Seeking Mom's Who Divorced Husbands Who Are Stay at Home Fathers

Updated on November 11, 2008
L.G. asks from Beech Island, SC
11 answers

My husband and I have been married for 4 years and I have the most beatiful 4 year old daughter you have ever seen :). My husband is a stay at home father who has refused to work to help with the bills. He does not clean the house - and I don't even mean a little- nor does he cook dinner until 8pm. I am the only bread winner and have ruined my credit and lost my house because of this. We have not been intimate since my daughter was conceived. I thought he would change with the baby, but he has not. My question is if anyone else has divorced where the father stays at home with the child, who got custody. I will not lose custody of my child. I do not want my child to grow up where her parents do not love each other. I have no respect for him and can not stand to be around him.

What can I do next?

  • Add your own comment
  • Ask your own question
  • Join the Mamapedia community
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

Featured Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.S.

answers from Atlanta on

my girl friends daughter is going thru this. AND YES he can get custody and child support. SO be very careful. Definitely contact the attorney. The judge in Dallas Texas is definitely taking into consideration that the hubby is the one she is used to coming home to. That is why I wrote what I did in the previous one.

Take the advice of the others and talk to a bulldog of an attorney. If it is shared custody, there may not be any child support paid by YOU. And he may get tired of it.

K.

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.S.

answers from Atlanta on

If your husband has no means of taking care of the child, and you have proof that you have been the primary breadwinner, in addition to an active parent, then you have a strong case in gaining custody of your child.

I recently have undergone a divorce, and know it's tough. If you ever need to vent, feel free to e-mail me.

Good luck!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.C.

answers from Savannah on

I've been in your situation, w/out childeren though. However, he doesn't really count as a SAHD. That would imply that he is a primary care giver. That does include cooking, cleaning, and helping w/ the bills if nothing else. You have no chance @ losing your daughter. If he says that to you it's only because he is scared. Good Luck! keep your chin up.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.C.

answers from Atlanta on

Consult with a lawyer right away and do whatever s/he tells you to do regarding documentation of your situation. You will need to move all your money and credit to accounts that he can't access, but don't do it before hiring a lawyer, as you may be showing your hand in the process.

Also, whatever you do, don't pay for a lawyer for him and don't "share" your lawyer. Your lawyer is to represent YOU and your and your child's best interests, and cannot truly do that while representing your husband too.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.P.

answers from Atlanta on

You definitely need to talk to a lawyer. My guess is that what will happen is that you will get custody and your husband will get visitation. He will HAVE to get a job and a place to live (pay his own bills etc.) But here's where finding a good lawyer comes in. He may request alimony and you may be stuck paying it -- you need to show that he is capable of working and earning money... You need an attorney!

Start documenting his freeloading ways. Show that it's not that you are a partnership -- that you work out of the home and he works in the home. It's just that he does NOTHING.

Good luck!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

H.W.

answers from Atlanta on

L.,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I can't say that I understand what you are going througg. BUT, I can't see any judge in his right mind giving custody to anyone other than you. I do know that your child will be happier, when her mom is happier. Have you considered marriage counseling? Best of luck to you.

H.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

B.P.

answers from Atlanta on

It is very difficult for a man to get custody taken away from a mother so unless he can prove you to be un-fit, which I'm sure he can't, then you have nothing to worry about. If you want a divorce then I suggest you file the paperwork first. This will give you temporary custody of the child until you are able to get a parenting plan filed and approved by the courts. Just find an attorney and have the paperwork drawn up and filed. Then you can serve your husband with the paperwork when you tell him you want a divorce. This also protects any debt he may acrue from the date you file for a divorce you will not be responsible for any of his expenses or debt. I would also make sure you open a seperate checking account and move your money into that account so that he can't go and pull out all of your money and leave you penniless with no way to pay your bills.
Since he isn't working then unless he has somewhere that he can go and stay until he is able to get a job and a place of his own then you may have to tolerate him in your home for awhile longer.
Your attorney will be able to assist you through this process and give you advice on how to handle this situation being isn't working. You don't want to do anything that would make you look bad in court and although you don't want to be married to him you do need to keep in mind that he is your daughters father and for that this does need to be handled with a bit of compassion or understanding so that he isn't left homeless.
Just protect your finances and file the paperwork first. This protects your rights as the mother and ensures you and your daughter aren't left with no money if for some reason he decides to try and take the money from your account. Also, if he has any of your credit cards then you will need to have those cancelled immediately as well. This will make sure he doesn't go on a spending spree and although he would be responsibile for that debt if he does it after you filed the paperwork at the courthouse, there are no guarntees he'll pay the bill and this could further affect your credit.
Just be smart about it and get yourself an attorney. Your husband is not going to be able to take your child from you. There are plenty of working single mothers out there and doesn't make you an incompetent mother. It makes you responsible.

Good luck. I've been in your shoes and I know it can be difficult.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.C.

answers from Spartanburg on

I can kind of relate to your situation. While I'm not going through a divorce, there are so many days I wish I were. I, also, cannot stand being around my husband and have lost all trust & respect for him. In our situation, I've been without a job for over 9 months, but not for lack of trying to find one. There are so many days you just want to scream at him & throw things, but don't because the little one is near. I wish you the best. Someday, I hope to be free of my pain. Good luck!!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.B.

answers from Athens on

Ooh this is a toughy!
Just remember that no matter if you divorce him you will forever have him in your life since you do share a child.
My heart goes out to you and in my opinion I don't see how he would be able to provide for a child if he isn't willing to work. But it will be in the judges hands to make that ruling, I would suggest that you keep up your good work on your side and take the plunge if you truly do not see that there is a way to work it out. If he is like my husband, he won't go to a marriage counselor and feels that he is doing nothing wrong. He is providing free day care, and that is an expense that you will incur once you move out if you do get custody, something to think about. Marriage is a two way street and I feel as if I give 90% in mine most of the time. But, I rely on the Lord to get me through the times that I feel as if I can't live with him any longer. Overall it is my faith in God and my attitude that has held my marriage together. My husband contributes 1/4-1/3 my net income to our budget and does nothing around the house to help out.
Good Luck and Best wishes on whatever you decide. May God Bless You now and always. My mom always says if the good times outweigh the bad then stick to it, if not - get OUT. Life is too short to be that unhappy. Make sure you aren't pms-ing, that is my worst time to feel as if I need a divorce.

M. (mother of 4 - boy/girl Twins 26 from first marriage, and son 18, daughter 16 from current marriage of 22+ years to a selfish husband that loves me in his on way.)

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.F.

answers from Savannah on

My advice is to get a lawyer. Even if it means borrowing money from family. Because of him not taking on any adult responsibilities, I agree that he should not have custody of your child. However, a shared or joint custody arrangement would be best for your child, since she is used to being around daddy a lot. I think the best thing to do is consult with an attorney. You want to avoid having to pay alimony or child support just because he doesn't feel like working. It should be both parent's responsibility to provide financially for a child, and you are being taken advantage of.

Best of luck!
K.:)

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.R.

answers from Savannah on

Wow, I feel for you greatly!!
My best friend is a stay at home Dad and he is also blind. If he can manage to do some chores and watch two kids than your husband can certainly do it!! I do know it is a man thing. It took my friend a very long time to realize he had to do more than 'just' watch the children. He still doesnt cook and his wife (also my friend) has to pick up food every night and they are both very over weight because of it. They dont know how to juggle like we do.
I will tell you, I was a child of a nasty divorce and it takes almost abandonment by the Mother for a Dad to get custody (because my parents fought over us many times and my Mom always won until she disappeared). It takes a lot for the Father to get custody and frankly, it looks like it should be fairly easy because it doesnt seem like he is responsible. You have to make sure you state this...that he WONT work instead of you both decided for him to stay home. But I will tell you you would be better off either waiting for him to get a job (insisting on it) or be okay with having to pay him alimony(I think that is what you call it). Our business partner is trying to divorce his wife and in the end still hasnt done it because she keeps quitting her job and his lawyer told him he will have to pay her a lump sum if he leaves her with no job but they have no children together only separately. He is miserable with her and she is awful to his children but he cant stand the thought of paying her all this money so they just live in seperate rooms ect.... I wouldnt live that way but everyone is different. You husband wont get custody as long as you state 'why you are divorcing him'. As sad as that sounds for some DAds (because believe me, my Father was the better parent and he could never get custody).
Goodluck and get you a great lawyer. MOST important!!

Next question: Negative Equity in the Marital Home and Settlement