Seeking Ideas to Teach My Son About ....

Hi S.,
My son is going to be 6 next month and he acts exactly the same way! I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "This is the worst day ever! And you're mean!" We're usually at Disneyland or someplace like that when he acts this way. So I think it's normal behavior for the age. We do try to explain to him how lucky he is but kids this age just don't really get it so you just have to keep showing them until they understand. The last couple of years we have gathered up some toys that he doesn't use and taken them to the collection sites they have set up around Christmas time. I also try to show him some of the shows on TV about the orphans in Africa and about people who are homeless. He sort of understands but you just have to keep reminding them and showing them by example. Eventually they will get it but it is a hard concept to get across to kids who are so young. I don't think they truely understand until they are a little older. (My son keeps telling me to give his blue car bed to a boy who is homeless so he can get a red car bed... he really doesn't understand fully that there are people with no homes and kids with no toys...)

We're looking into doing some volunteer work as well.

Hope this helps!

Ha Ha he is doing what normal 5 yr olds do, you wont teach him over night and be lucky if he gets it by the age of 16.. if he did not listen to you , then take the toy away, next time he wants to bring one , he doest get to. first teach him he has to listen to you first, and if he doesnt then he sits in time out the toy is taken from him. Simple... this is not about how much he has or doesnt have, its about listening to you say No ... and mean it.. first the part where he needs to mind you , then you can go on with the speech of be greatful we have so much as others do not, yada yada yada

This is very normal behavior. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job. If points work for you and your family - I think it is a great tool to help your children follow through. I take issue with the folks that want to punish a child for a pouty face or for having a reaction. He is not getting what he wants and is allowed to have a reaction. That does not mean that you give into a pouty face. I have a reaction when I do not get what I want though at my age I have learned control over my emotions. The way I handle these situations is try to reflect his sad/angry/frustrated feelings once while still holding the boundary and then ignore the rest. He is allowed to feel angry, sad, disappointed. If a full blown tantrum ensues- a time out to calm down. I hear a lot of parents being very reactive to the fact that their children are not always in control of their emotions- He is 6 and does not have this facility yet. validating his feelings while setting limits will teach him that he can handle these emotions. Yelling, punishing, withholding love over a pouty face will teach him that his emotions are not ok and in my belief will ultimately exacerbate the problem.

I know this isn't the answer you want, but he won't "get it" until he's in his late teens or older. A great many kids don't realize their blessings until adulthood. One of my children once threatened, and she was very serious, to phone the police when we told her that if she kept getting grounded during the summer we wouldn't be sending her to camp. She was just positive that camp was an absolute right, and if we didn't send her, it was a jailable offense. She's now a delightful adult, but as you can imagine, we had some major clashes over the years. When our oldest child went away for her freshman year of college, we were paying all her tuition, her rent and we purchased a meal plan for the school's cafeteria. She was angry that she'd have to get a job if she wanted to have any extra stuff, like going out to the movies or eating at a restaurant. (When she was growing up, "I hate my life!" was a frequent complaint.) After 2 weeks at school, talking to all the other students and seeing how many had to pay 100% of their school expenses on their own, she phoned and said, "Do you guys need me to send you money every month?" She is now also a delightful adult. Both older girls tell us frequently how glad they are for the things we've done for them, and they're the first to rebuke the younger kids still at home when they ask for an expensive toy or some other pricey extra.

Remind your kids frequently that they are lucky to have what they do. Volunteer for an organization or two that will give them firsthand experience serving meals at a shelter for battered women or with holiday drives for the needy. Expose them to world news, and let them see that the rest of the world considers our middle class lifestyle to be unimaginable luxury. And, when you're despairing that they'll ever understand how lucky they are, remember that eventually, they will "get it." :)

Congratulations on trying to instill a feeling of gratitude with your kids. Far too many kids today feel that they are entitled to everything under the sun...

How about instead of telling him how lucky is, you show him? Volunteer with your kids at a soup kitchen, homeless shelter, battered women's shelter, whatever you think they're mature enough to handle. When we're kids, we're completely self-centered. We think whatever the norm is for us, that must be the norm for everyone. It's hard to comprehend ideas like being fortunate. That's why doing something tangible and concrete will really help your kids connect your words to their meaning.

I volunteer twice a month to feed the homeless with my two girls, ages 7 and 3. I don't let them see anything too graphic (i.e. strung out drug addicts), but they understand that we're making lunches for "the poor people" who don't even have a home to live in - they have to sleep on the sidewalk. They have asked me some pretty profound questions and it has opened up their eyes to how easy their lives are and how lucky they are to be healthy and have two healthy parents to take care of them, a nice house to live in, plenty of food to eat, a good school to attend, and on and on. Of course they are still kids so we still get the occasional "life isn't fair" if we're not able to go to the pool one day, but a gentle reminder of how much they have and how lucky they are compared to many other children carries a lot more weight than if they were just words alone.

Best of luck to you and keep up the great work!!

Hi S.,

Just keeping being thankful yourself and this will set an awesome example for him. What he is doing is pretty normal for this age (young kids are very self-centered by nature - it's a developmental thing). Keep speaking out loud how blessed you all are and how thankful you are. Be very specific at times. When he's a little older, expose him to others less fortunate and volunteer with him or altogether as a family. Serve food during the holidays at a homeless shelter. Visit a large city (like San Francisco) and ride the buses and subways. Let him see how little others have and to recognize how blessed he is for having a safe and loving home. Volunteerism is HUGE for creating character in kids! Sounds like you are a great mom - just keeping imparting to him how blessed he is and how important is it is to be thankful and like I said, when he gets a little older - teach him how to care for others in need.

Some things I agree with and don't agree with by S. F:
"1) no toys period at day camp. This is a hard and fast rule at the day camp my boys attended, even for beach days. The beach with no toys is still fun!"
Yep. Hard fast rules help sometimes. Or limit it to ONE. Have this discussion early if you can (not the last minute in the car). Been there. I have an 8 year old. Though I do let him take things sometimes and learn natural consequences (he lost it because he refused to listen to me). And now he has learned "oh, mom is right, I better leave it in the car." Many experts are fans of natural consequences - not punitive ones imposed by us.

2) Tell you son that his pouting "hurts your eyes" and he can sit in his room until he can be a pleasant boy again.
I completely disagree with this. It sounds cruel to me to make him hide his true emotions and tie it to the mother's acceptance of the child.
Life is full of disappointments. It's OK to feel disappointed. Yeah son, it's a bummer you can't do X when your friends cannot, but you still can't. Let him feel it. There is no harm in that. There IS harm in making him suppress his feelings, because then he can act out later (against himself, self-sabotage) or hurting others (friends, siblings, peers, parents...)

3) Tell your son that "pouty face" will cause him to forfiet a portion of his reward points...and follow through.

A word about Rewards. Be very careful. If you are giving him rewards anytime he is supposed to do something he is SUPPPOSED TO DO, then you are creating a monster. I am serious. I have a local child family therapist who tells the same story all the time.... how she knows of a family with a teenager who now says when asked to do something "what do I get for it? What is in it for me?" That is what you are teaching when you "reward" a child with prizes for every little thing.

Son, you have to do X because it helps the family, PERIOD.
You have to do X because it's the right thing to do, PERIOD. (And you model that too.)

The Reward should always be the intrinsic good feeling HE gets from doing a good deed. Rewards should never come from the outside (extrinsic). The intrinsic feelings are what keeps people going. Look at athletes... like Lance Armstrong. Who is he competing with? Himself... he keeps going not because someone is giving him tangible prizes along the way, but because he feels himself succeeding and he keeps pushing himself to keep up.

Alfie Kohn wrote a great book PUNISHED BY REWARDS. You should check it out and consider what he has to say. Check out his website for more articles.

His article: HOW NOT TO TEACH VALUES
http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/hnttv.htm

THE RISK OF REWARDS
http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/ror.htm

Aletha Solter's articles:
http://www.awareparenting.com/articles.htm

4) Keep pounding the point that we don't always get what we want. We need to enjoy what we have. It's a tough lesson but one that can't be learned too soon.

True.

You do NOT need to provide an "appropriate consequence" when he pouts. All he is doing is expressing disappointment (a good lesson in itself I think that one does not always get what one wants, for a reason they understand now or not, it's for their own good!) The pouting is his consequence. He is disappointed, that is normal and natural. He is SIX. He will grow out of his (natural, developmentally appropriate) self-centeredness. Why pile on more punishment? WHY?

Hi there!

My youngest put me through the same thing! Some ideas to consider...

1) no toys period at day camp. This is a hard and fast rule at the day camp my boys attended, even for beach days. The beach with no toys is still fun!

2) Tell you son that his pouting "hurts your eyes" and he can sit in his room until he can be a pleasant boy again.

3) Tell your son that "pouty face" will cause him to forfiet a portion of his reward points...and follow through.

4) Keep pounding the point that we don't always get what we want. We need to enjoy what we have. It's a tough lesson but one that can't be learned too soon.

What would really get me is the mumbling, snide comments he makes as he walks away. In my book, that is extremely disrespectful. If whatever he says can't be said to your face, then it shouldn't be said, period. When my youngesters pull that stunt on me, then whatever it was that is "so awful and so unfair" is immediately taken away. It would go like this, "Wow...I'm sorry waiting until you get to the beach is so unfair and awful. I guess I'll just keep those toys until you get home. Oh? That's even more unfair? Yeah, you're right. I guess you should've apprecaited what you had when you had it." If your son pushed the commentary to new heights, I'd pull him out of the field trip for some extra special time doing chores without the benefit of reward points.

On a more positive note, it might help your son to understand "those less fortunate" if you make helping them a regular thing (if you don't already). With my two boys, before each birthday and Christmas, they had to clean out their toy boxes of all toys they no longer wanted to give to "those less fortunate." We do this with clothes, too, at the start of winter and summer. Then, they boys come with me to Goodwill to deliver it.

It also helps if the family de-emphasizes the "receipt" of gifts. In our family, birthdays are extra special, not because of the gifts (we've often not had the money to get them) but because we have an extra special out-to-dinner that the birthday boy chooses. Some would say that we could've taken the money for dinner out and spent it on the gift. But for us, the important thing was spending time together. Further, my husband and I don't exchange gifts, we just spend extra special time together, which the boys see. Gifts are random happenings throughout the year and not tied to an "event."

I know that sounds really strange, but it's worked. My boys are very giving, even my "pouty face" ten year old! <g>

Good luck!

Hi S.,

This isn't about appreciating what he has -- it's about learning that you can't always do what you want. This is a very difficult concept for a child your son's age to get. Some kids are more manipulative than others in trying to achieve their desires. Your son sounds like he prefers to take an emotional, passive-agressive route.

It sounds like you're doing a great job already, but you might want to try using logical consequences coupled with one reminder. For the example you used, here's a couple of alternative ways to handle it.

Before you leave, tell your son that the toy must remain in his backpack until you get to the beach, even though you know he will be very excited about showing it to his friends, and will have a hard time waiting (young kids--and a lot of older ones!--have very poor impulse control). Ask him to repeat this instruction to you, so that you and he both know that he's listening and understands the rule.

When you get to school, before getting out of the car, ask him to repeat the rule, and what the consequence will be for breaking the rule (see below).

Consequence option 1: If he breaks the rule, you will put the toy into "time out" and he will not get to play with it for a set amount of time after you get to the beach. This can be for 15 mins up to the entire rest of the day. This approach teaches him that your rules are not to be broken or questioned (assuming that is the lesson you want to impart).

Consequence option 2: If the toy comes out early and he loses it or pieces to it, the you will not replace the toy. This approach teaches him personal responsibility and the importance of taking care of his possessions, and is a better lesson in my mind. If he takes the toy out and is very careful about it, putting everything away before you go, then he has learned a very valuable lesson about possessions being valuable and not always replaceable. This is the first step to appreciating what you have!

Either way, the important thing is to stick to your guns and not give into the emotional blackmail he's using (sounds like a smart little guy!). YOU know you're doing the right thing because you're the adult. When he's 25 and his frontal cortex has completely matured, he'll know it too!

Thought number 2, which is separate from the discipline issue. If you want your son to learn about being fortunate, you have to show him that there are people who are NOT well off. Find a family care project to participate in. Have him collect gently used toys, books and clothes, as well as canned goods and take him to donate them to someplace like a homeless shelter for families, a women's shelter, or a church/synagogue/mosque with a needy congregation. These types of places are not overwhelming for a young child to visit, and they do get the idea.

I remember when my son was 3 and we were flying home from an international vacation. During the trip, we had visited a sugar cane plantation in the Dominican Republic. Talk about poverty! Most of the children were dressed in rags and were pretty thin. On the plane home, I was reading an article on the, at that time, famine in Somalia. It had some heartwrenching pictures of skeletal children holding up empty food bowls. I didn't realize that David was looking at the pictures until he asked about what the children were doing and why they looked so hungry. I explained to him that they didn't have any food to eat where they lived. Shortly thereafter, our meals arrived. David looked at his dinner and asked me to send it to the children in the picture. I explained to him that we couldn't send that food, but we could send money to people who could buy food when we got home, and we could take food to people in our own home town who didn't have enough to eat, too. When we got home, I had him go around the house and look for loose change to put in our charity box. I also gave him money for doing little tasks and encouraged to share some of it with the box each time. There was never an arguement -- he loved to put money in the box. When it was full, we counted the change and I took him to the bank to change it into cash. He very proudly told the teller that we were giving the money to the children in Somalia so they could buy food. At home, we counted the cash and I wrote a check against it, then we took it to a local Red Cross office and he asked them to send the money to Somalia. At the same time, we collected clothes and toys, and sent them with another check to a person in the DR who helped out the people on the sugar cane plantation we visited. We also got together with a family group we belonged to and started preparing meals once a month for a local men's shelter. David loved to help cook the meals and was delighted to come to the shelter to deliver the food and talk to the men (under my very watchful eye, of course!)

Over the years, we have either participated in or instituted many, many such projects, both locally and globally, through our synagogue, the kid's schools, scout troops and on our own. Both my kids have developed wonderful, generous spirits and now seek out opportunities to do volunteer work.

I have a 5yr old son and a 15yr old daughter...I've always been big on taking away "privileges" (toys, tv, computer, etc) as punishment, actually the worst punishment for kids. I also believe on rewarding for good behavior or attitude in handling certain situations. I'm not sure what you mean about earning "points" and what their worth (monetary or materially) but in our house chores are not "rewarded" monetarily, our children are taught that we all need to work together and chores are apart of everyone's responsibility to participate in the family circle, we all make mess, thus we all clean up (and we try to make it fun).
Our son has a "lovie" his little puppy and/or bear that he ALWAYS seems to want to have with him. In the last year or so we've tried to explain to him that he can't always take his puppy with him because he will get lost, left behind or really dirty and he won't have a puppy anymore if that happens. If he were to make too much of a fuss then it would be put away for a couple days. So he'll often take it with him however he leaves it in the car when we arrive to our destination or at home where he'll see it when he walks in the door. He also likes to take his small hot wheels on occasion so he's allowed to pick 2 to take with him that he can hold in his pocket, if there's any issue with him (like not behaving) he will have the "privilege" of taking ANYTHING taken away for a short time period until he behaves again and will be rewarded with the item again or is given the reward of picking out a specific item when we go shopping as a second reward. There's been a couple times where he's pouted and crossed his arms like your son, I'll simple tell him that I understand he's upset but his attitude is not acceptable and he will sit out for a few minutes while everyone else that's acting right gets to go play. Then I ignore the attitude as the more you fuss with them the more they act out.
On a side note each of the kids has their own savings account and if there's something they want that's where they get to make a decision to use some of the money. Otherwise when we go shopping the 5yo will get $5 and the 15yo will get $20-$30 to spend on something they want at the time but they have to "budget" for that item only or put the money aside for another time.
I hope this helps a little. 5,6,7 are ages of independence and testing for the little ones but it gets easier, especially if you handle it early on.
Good luck.

Hi S., it sounds like you have a very loving family, 6 is a tough age, their not toddlers any more, but they are old nough for understanding other things, he's dissapointment to me doesn't sound like he is mis behaving, he is showing emotion, I think he is to young to understand, being fortunat and blessed. We did this with our kids, we took them down town San Diego so they could see how some people have to live, my daughter was under 10 the first time she helped serve at the joan crock homeless shelter, during the Holiday Season, and she came home and the only thing she said, was mom there was kids there too, I don't know if your son is old enough to take to see how other people live, but sight is better than words for a child, casue with worlds they can't really visualize what you are saying. I want to tell you, i think it is great that you want to teach your son this concept, he's going to turn out just fine. Hope this helps. J.

mabey you should learn to pick your battles , not sweat the small stuff.he's a kid, and kids throw fits, but its if he knows he's gonna get a response out of those fits...example :
me and two year old son in store,he grabs a toy says please.. i said no...t5hat simple not an explanation just no, he throws his fit... on the floor crying.. i said ok im leaving... and i started to walk away, he saw that he wasnt gonna get his way by throwing his tantrum and he got up stopped his crying and started walking next to me again,
now with the making them appretiate it, i dont know we have four kids in our house so anything that anybody gets is thanked for. mabey its just his age, ????? good luck

Just keep doing what your 1doing some times it takes a little longer to get a child to realize that you meen waht you say. Don't worry it will happen! I now have 4 adults Hang in there. Beenthere done that. Good luck Enjoy it all they grow up sooo fast. A. No.Hills

Hi, S.. I'm not sure this answers what you're asking, but... One thing I do with my kids is fill boxes for Samaritan's Purse. If you don't know about this, it is a program where you fill a shoe box full of items (toiletries, small toys, etc.) and send the boxes in. They are then distributed to poor children all over. My kids can pick a boy or girl, and their age, to buy for. We get a lot of the stuff at the dollar store, and they are able to pick what goes into the box. www.samaritanspurse.org.
We also donate our toys to shelters and stuffed animals to social services or the police department for children they come in contact with. Hope that helps....

You could go on a missions trip down to a Mexican orphanage (I know of a couple churches that do this). This really opens kids eyes that they have it really good where they are. I know it sounds drastic but it really works well. Plus, tell him no one said life is fair every time he says it. We tell the kids, "You're right, life isn't fair. There's no fairness guarantee here."

my sister and her husband are also very blessed, and her kids are very well behaved and understand they are very fortunate. she and her husband would take them to help out at soup kitchens, have them all donate toys, and generally made them aware of the less fortunate (but not in a fearful way.) they had them actively get involved in these activities, which probably helped. anyhow, good luck. its nice to see that you are concerned about this instead of just shrugging like so many other parents i see. :)

Dear S.,

He is one of those children that need to cry it out when he is disappointed, he will get the idea eventually. A lot of talking will not help... it will have to be learned by your isolating him, in his room, or somewhere and letting him cry or fuss or what ever. If you don't get this stopped, or calmed down, then you can count on him making this type of behavior a life long attitude. Just look around there are a lot of adults that don't take being disappointed very well, and make the people around them miserable.

This might be a good time to let him know that you will not allow him to talk back to her or call you a mean mommy. It will work out, but you have to be consistent. If you give in one time, it will only make things harder the next time. Good Luck, C. N.

You could start by not rewarding him every time he does something that should be expected. Children should help out around the house simply because they are a part of the family and live in the house, not because they are going to get a prize for it.
When your son pouts about not getting his way, there needs to be a suitable consequence for it. You need to tell him ahead of time what you expect of him, and if he doesn't act accordingly, there needs to be a consequence. Only you and your husband can decide what the consequences will be, but the punishment has to fit the crime. For example, if you told him that he could take the toy out when he got the the beach and he took it out sooner, he doesn't get to take the toy, period. (If you tell him what will happen ahead of time, he can make the right choice as to what he should do.)
You need to get the behavior under control now, or it will be harder when he gets older. Good luck! :)

He is 6. It is going to be a while before he realizes what is outside of his bubble. I point things out to my kids, my 7 1/2 yr old is just now sort of getting that some people don't have all that he has, and that some people have more. Does that mean he wants less, no. But, it is a start.

It's a phase...my girl is 5 going on 6 yrs. old and she does the SAME thing. My friends with children this age ALSO do the EXACT same thing. It will pass.... meanwhile... I "know" that my girl IS a great girl on the inside and appreciates things blah,blah,blah...but she's got this "Mommy is mean..." thing she says when she is upset. I find it more hilarious than anything... and I know this does NOT reflect her basic character...so, I deal with it.

Sure, but when things are calm, or if I feel it is needed... we have light hearted talks (with my putting in deep messaged points) about things, attitude, character etc.
It's fine. I know she "gets" it. But, I keep tabs on it... and just monitor her "attitude" here and there to make sure, without nagging or being too much.

A child is learning at this age, that they have to do things sometimes even if they don't want to. It's normal development. You can also try and teach him the concept of "reciprocating." I do this with my eldest. Teach him "empathy." Teach him "charity" etc. It's great he has a chore chart and "earns" points... but you can take it a step further... but making it fun. Kids learn through fun and play at this age.

For us, we have our daughter put whatever money she earns, in a "donation" piggy bank... (It's up to her what amount & she learns decision making this way and problem solving). Then, at Christmas we "donate" this to a good cause... we talk to her about what is out there and we "help" her think it through by discussing it without "judging" her. We also talk about what we see on the news... and about the less fortunate or those who are suffering. (She also learns this in school).

For a child, part of "appreciating" what THEY have, is by doing for others... less fortunate. To see how to make a difference on other's lives, no matter how small. To give them an example of how to be a "citizen" in this world. That every little thing CAN make a nice difference in others and themselves. It's a big concept for a child.....but just do it age appropriately. The focus then, is not on "them" but on others etc. I also talk out loud, on purpose, when I am "thinking" of how I can donate some of my (not much) money to causes I feel are important. My daughter hears this... and I ask her "what do you think" (I don't expect a correct answer...but I do this so she gets the hang of 'thinking' and of analyzing situations...). When kids "see" their parents "doing" and not lecturing... then they learn this way too.

Anyway, there's so many things to accomplish "character" in a child. When my girl says "Mommy is mean!".... I look at her, tell her "I love you!" Or, I tell her... "Mommy is so tired, I wish I could take a long quiet tub bath and relax...BUT I have to cook dinner for you and the family now....oh well...." and then I add "Does that mean YOU are mean?" This makes my girl "think" on her toes... and then she "realizes" that it's not "mean"....it's just that we need to do things sometimes even if we don't want to. Then I add... "I know you didn't mean it...but you are frustrated now, but you don't have to call people names. Next time, just try you best... talk to Mommy no matter what."

My girl has learned from these various things... but they are so young, they will get angry. It's okay. Even if they are angry... always instill in a child that they can talk to Mommy/Daddy no matter what without fear or judgment. We just have to "navigate" them.

Okay I'm rambling, just some ideas.
All the best,
Susan

at this age (if you have the time), your kids are ready to do some volunteering with you. they will see how unfortunate they are when they are able to help those who are less fortunate. this will teach them empathy too.

I really enjoyed your post, especially because you appreciate how fortunate you are. But I'm thinking that your son is too young to understand this. Perhaps you can deduct "points" when he behaves this way? That may teach him more so than discussing his advantages.

Oh it is so good to know that others out there have the same problem!!!
I have instituted a no toy out of the house rule. I was a nanny before and that was a rule I made up. But anyway, that doesn't cover the whole problem. My son also pouts when he doesn't get his way and becomes angry, will kick things etc. It's about control. Somewhere along the way, my son (he is my stepson, but lives with us full time and for all intents and purposes I am his mother)got the idea that he was equal to me and his father. I have given him certain things which he can have control over, like what he wears in the day, what he will eat for breakfast, and lunch, what games he will play, etc. And that was fine, but now he is almost 7 and thinks he should be able to control all. Just recently I spoke to him about the difference between wants and needs. That we want stuff but really we need basic things. And that wants are priviledges. And if we don't appreciate our priviledges then they get taken away...