Seeking Ideas for Dealing with My 3.5 Son and His Attitude

Take away the things that are most important to him, like his favorite, toy or cartoon, then be hopeful he doesn't pull what my daughter did, when I took her favorite book away from her, "Well I have more!".LOL, I look back now and think it was funny, but at 3 when she did it, I was ahhhhhhh!!! So as cruek as some might think it is, one night after being home all day and dealing with her mouth all day, time outs, taking things away, trying everything, we were eating dinner and my husband had a jalpeno pepper, my daughter was told to finish her dinner she looked straight at her daddy said no and went and threw her food away, I grabbed the pepper and swiped her mouth with it! She screamed and cried for a while, but it was a LONG time before she spoke to us ike that again and since then all I have to do is say there is a jalapeno pepper in my pocket! GOOD LUCK!

I do recall my son developing quite an attitude at that age, too! I responded with consequences (if you continue to do X, I will take away Y), and that worked really well for about a year. Then I realized that I had basically taught my son to make threats. He started telling us things like that he would find a new family when he couldn't do something he wanted to do. Charming! What worked much better for us (after I learned this process at a class) was to make it clear to my son that I heard and understood what he was trying to communicate without invalidating his feelings. For example, try saying, "You sound really frustrated. Why?" After he responds, you can say thing like, "I know how frustrating it is when you really want to do something and you cannot. Sometimes Mommy wants to do things that she doesn't have time for, too. I wish I could make it so that there were enough hours in the day to do everything we want to do." Granting wishes, as the class leader (Julie King) called it, works amazingly well. You need to say these kinds of things for longer than it feels like you should (however, it did save time compared to what had been going on). Just keep the language short and sweet so that he doesn't tune you out. Then, you can say something like, "The problem is that there just aren't enough hours in the day to do everything we want to do. Maybe we can do X this weekend. Would you like that?" Just don't say "but" as in, "I wish there were more hours in the day, but..." Saying "the problem is" seems to prevent my son from feeling that I'm trying to invalidate what he's saying and even engages him in problem solving sometimes. Hope this helps!

Hi Ashlee,
Well, discipline is a hot button to push with most people. I have said it on here before and I'll say it again...I completely believe in spanking. Especially at the age your son is at, he may not understand "you're in time out because you did this", and it may not make an impression on him at all. But a well placed swat to the bottom can get some kids' attention when nothing else will. I know everybody says "you're teaching them to solve problems with violence", but if you do it calmly and with the right attitude (not out of anger), that is not teaching them violence. That is teaching them there is an unpleasant consequence for disobedience. And no, spanking doesn't work on every child just like time outs don't work for every child. I also agree with the others who say find out what is most important to him and make the deprivation of that thing/activity the punishment. My 7 year old daughter doesn't like spankings, but they don't always have a lot of effect on her. However, she likes going with me to choir practice to play with her best friend, and when that gets taken away, she is absolutely crushed.

It sounds like he really enjoys pushing your buttons. Make sure whatever consequences he gets are dealt with in a calm manner or they won't work. Boys especially thrive on getting a reaction. They will put up with a lot of stuff to see parents blow their lid. Don't give him that kind of power. Stay as boring as possible.

Hi Ashlee,
My advice ('cause time-outs had no effect on my son as well),is to find his real "commodity". My son would endure time-outs of 45 minutes with no problem or result. One day I had switch to if he didn't clean up his room, he was not to go to a movie with his older brother and dad. And we followed through with that (yes, it was hard not to let him go and for my husband to leave him behind). But boy, did that shake him up and mind. Sometimes, it's not playing with certain toys/electronics, no play dates, a special event as a carrot (ie the movie); just find something that he really cares about and stick to your guns.
Good luck!

I really like the book Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen. He talks about how children act out when they feel powerless or disconnected, and that we as adults can give them the feeling of connection and power through play. Maybe it will help?

He's three. I used to hear about terrible 2's but with both of my kids it was the 3's. It was like the day they turned 4 they turned back into their normal selves.

Hi Ashlee- You do not have to hit your child to discipline him or to have him grow up a responsible and respectful child. If he likes time outs make them more unpleasant. Find out what's important to him and consistently take away what he likes to do, eat or play with. You need to find his currency and use that to correct the inappropriate behavior. It's a lot harder than spanking, takes more time but is effective and teaches a child proper behavior without undermining their self esteem. I do not know anyone that spanks and honestly nearly all my friends children are polite, sweet and responsible children, boys and girls. I wonder how the spanking families deal with older kids. What do you do when you've used corporal punishment their whole lives and they are teenagers? At what point do you switch from hitting to talking? Our family believes in mutual respect and honestly it's worked beautifully. Never underestimate your 3 year old's ability to understand situations, he's capable of a lot more than you think. Where is he getting the talking back? Is there an older kid that he could be listening to or even the TV. Some of those "kids shows" are terrible with bratty, mouthy kids. I would really pay attention to how he talks to you and where he's getting the idea it's a smart thing to talk back. Good luck and remember whatever discipline style you go with the most important thing is to be consistent. Good Luck!

At 3 years old it's your last gateway to instill respectful, mindful behavior into a child. What you do or dont do now will be sown into what you reap later as far as the word "NO" goes. There is nothing more refreshing than being at someone elses house or in public place, telling your child "NO" once, and they actually MIND you. The little "discomforts" that you apply at home right now are the tools that will work for future behavior. If your child doesnt respond to time outs, then you obviously have to use another method to get his/her attention. I totally agree with Denise's method "a little hot pepper juice across the lips" would instantly get a "back talkers" attention. Apply a tad to your lip first just so you can feel the reaction, then you'll know how it will feel on your son. I put a small piece of masking tape on my kids mouth before, sat them in a chair and told them if they removed the tape they would have to lay in their bed until they came out and said "sorry" for whatever it was they did. If they sit quietly for a couple of minutes (1 minute for each year of age, 3 minutes in your son's situation), I would tell him you can now remove the tape from your mouth as long as you promise not to talk back to Mommy anymore. He may choose to leave the tape on, haha.... Don't be afraid to use a few unorthodox methods for training, every family is different, every kid is different. Both of my sons are very successful men now, and I am a very proud mom. And we were always able to take our kids anywhere and not have to worry about them misbehaving. Your goal as a mom is to teach your kids how to behave in society. This starts at home. If your kid runs the house, he will try to run everyone's house and you will never enjoy taking him places. You have a baby also, so your son is just trying to find his nitch and doing things to get your attention. Negative attention is better than no attention at all. Make sure you talk and listen to him all during the day. 3 yr olds are very precoscious and are little sponges for any and all information thrown their way. Use this age to your advantage.

Hi Ashlee!

Oh that silly little boy!

I always had to use my wanrings that included what I would take away if he continued the same behavior. Such as "Mommy asked to stop hitting the dog, if you cannot stop hitting the dog, then you will not be able to watch 'The Wonder Pets' at all today." Then sticking to your guns is the hardest part. Always remind him that, "I'm sorry, but you are not allowed to watch'The Wonder Pets' today because you kept hitting the dog......"

After 20x's, they usually catch on :o)

~Merry Christmas! N. :o)

If he likes time outs change they way you punishment him like taking away his favor toy .telling him you are not going to listen to him until he is respectiful. does he go to daycare maybe he is learning this from there. make him earn his toy back by changing his attitude. some times whispering that this not the attitude so thing donot get worse as we deal with what they are saying. well good luck S.

He's only 3.5. He can't really have "attitude." It sounds like he is getting negative attention for negative behavior, and if kids don't get enough positive attention, they will take the negative. If you have a 13 month old, I'm supposing that you may be devoting most of your attention to the little one.

Last night I spent a couple of hours watching old videos, and my heart still hurts today from watching my oldest child, who was 6 and 7 at the time, constantly getting the least attention of my three kids, and then acting out accordingly. I wish I could go back and just pick him up and slather him with attention!!

Your son at 3.5 seems so much bigger right now than your 13 month old, but when you watch videos 15 years from now you will realize he was still a baby. Baby him, he needs it!!

Sometimes putting his prized toys or things he really likes in a "time out" helps. And then of course, being matter of fact about it and not showing any emotion...hard sometimes! "Wow, that is so sad that your (fill in the blank)has to have a time out. You must feel sad about that." I learned also that I, as a parent, should always place responsibility on my kid for their choices. Never say "If you do this than I am taking this away". Instead, "Because you did this, you will lose your ___." I have said, "Your choice is forcing me to do this." I hope that all the advice you get on here is helpful. Every child is different!

If he's enjoying time-outs, maybe you should change the location of the time-outs to a place he won't enjoy them like in his room with the door closed or sitting in a chair facing the corner/wall.

Hello:

It sounds like he may think he is imitating you, or he sees it as attention.

I found that when my son got riled up enough, he'd just go overbard with the screams, or the tantrum, or the snarky remarks...and one day a light went off in my brain. I looked at him and in a calm voice said, "Do you need a hug?"

So, I hugged him, calmed him down, and then addressed the problem calmly. He still wasn't happy, but he was more willing to engage.

When kids reach a certain point, little will get through to them. If you cannot engage them, your efforts will be for naught. Some people use shock thereapy to engage their kids (corporal punishment, soap in the mouth, grounding for a time greater than the age set can comprehend), others calm the situation and then deal with the issues.

I prefer the second method because it encourages thinking for both parent and child. You child is young, some concepts may yet me beyond his development. On the otherhand, it is no excuse to let him get away with things...he does have to learn.

But ask yourself a couple of questions:

What is the source of his behavior; is he tired, is he screaming for attention he thinks he isn't getting?

When he is having time out and is being snarky; are the things you are saying to him even getting though? Is he engaged?

When he's being snarky, you can say "You are welcome to your opinions, but this time it isn't going to change [enter specific circumstance here]." Then turn and walk away. Sticks and Stones may break the bones, but words may never harm ye. ;)

Try to assess the reasons behind it, not just the behavior and you may be able to nip the behavior in the bud before it becomes a big nasty weed.

Good luck...it is a hard age to be in, and a hard age to care for...but it can also be a lot of fun for both!

My son is a year younger so take this with a grain of salt...
In our house, softer punishments like time outs are backed up by spankings - Meaning: If our son chooses to engage in a power struggle with us when we are trying to discipline him he gets one warning and after that the punishment is replaced with a spanking. It's a quick way to put an end to the power struggle before it gets out of control and before he forgets why he is being disciplined in the first place. We've actually had to give very few spankings but oh what a difference it has made! Eventually we will phase this out as he gets older and starts caring about toys and privileges. I know alot of people don't like spankings I even used to be one of them. What I have learned is that sometimes we have to be the parent our child needs us to be, instead of the parent we wanted to be. Good luck to you!

My kid is not 3 yet but my approach is "go with the flow". I really recommend the book "Unconditional parenting" from alfie kohn because his suggestions are working great with us. Listen to your kid and try to figure out how he is seeing the situations. my 2cents...

http://www.alfiekohn.org/up/index.html

Three is a really tough age. I really worried for my boys morality... He's 4 now, and doing fine. It really does have to do with development. Try to remember to give limited choices, (that you can live with), and let him get tons of exercise (I lived for naptimes!). I recommend the book Positive Discipline for Preschoolers. Adult School usually offers parenting courses through thier cooperative program. I really benefited from knowing I was not alone. Good Luck!
D.