Seeking Help with Step Children

It doesn't matter who belongs to who, first of all. They are children and they have been through a traumatizing realization that they have no control over...Divorce/Break up. Believe it or not they blame themselves, but when you came along...you became the dump truck. Try to spend some quality time as a whole family. Get the older one's to help with the younger one's. For example, say hey (9 yo girl)would you mind holding your (sibling) while I get a diaper? Let them know they are a part of your family, this helps them to feel they belong instead of wondering where they belong. It doesn't matter what mom's home is like you let them know this is how dad's house is and we all must do our part. I know it's not easy but try to put yourself in thier shoes-you wouldn't like it but you can control it. i have a family room gated off with some legos and dolls, I put kid flicks on and the kids are content. The older ones like to color and circle things they want from catalogs (junk mail catalogs). They dream and keep busy. 3 year olds also love to look at catalogs. Discipline for children under 5 should be time out older than 5 should have privileges taken away for a day or two. good luck!

A.,

Your husband, the children's father should be the one to carry out the discipline and the rule. Your job is providing the the care and love during their stay in your place. Don't expect they will respect you or your rule since they don't have it with their mother. Making them to like you is the first step to earn their respect.You are not their mother, so don't try to be one. Be a friendly friend with them.

I think you are doing the right to follow throught with rules in your household. They need to feel that it is their household too. Small, simple projects like planting flowers in a portable container can be an easy way to reinforce positive behavior. I think Dad needs to be the primary disciplinarian but maybe you both could reward good behavior. Hey, getting to pick the place to eat can be a big deal (even when there are only 2 choices). Even small goals like making the beds, brushing your teeth,etc. can be the beginning to a fruitful and loving relationship with your children so they eventually forget they are "step"children.

Hi A.
J. here, I think you recieved some pretty good advice! Hope it helps!

I am not a step mother but and a child of divorce and have both step parents. I remember seeing something about this on DR. Phil. here is the link to that article. there might be some more on his website u might find helpful. I know being a step parent can be very difficult. I know this because i know i didn't make it easy on mine but i couldn't imagine them not being a part of my life and i grew to love and appreciate them.
http://drphil.com/articles/article/243

i dont have stepkids, but if i were in your position, i would talk to the other mom.... unless she is too much of a ___.
ever seen the movie step mom?

i to have delt with the step family issue.stick to your ground, step children just want to see mom and dad back together, see your the one to them keeping them apsrt ,but dont fret. once they see your not going anywere,and try to have one on on time with them dont forget to treat them like your own , but for sure take the boy out and just you and him do something neat together , take him to a ball game or something like that one on one. show him that your not trying to replace his mom. C.

the best way to deal with step children when they still have contact with both parents, is to remember that you are a step parent and it is up to your husband to disipline his kids. if you do they will hate you and never get over it.
I have a 12 yr old son who is not mine by birth but he was always welcome. we have had our share of fights. the difference is that his mom abused him and he was taken away. he may be better off, but he still confuses what she did with what i do. it's a heart breaking time when he does that.
if you want to talk to them, do it without your children present. try to sit each one down and let them know that they could hate you or not, but it would make things easier for them if they just agree that you are not replacing mom and that you will be here to just talk to them if they want.

i am a mom of three and my husband has 2 biological children and is a father to his ex-wife's daughter. it is never easy setting boundaries and discipline to kids who aren't use to it. stick to your guns though. my husbands kids came to live with us even his step daughter from a previous marraige. she is five and she hated my rules but over time she began to understand they were there for a reason and accepted things for the way they were. 3 is a difficult age and it will take some time but he will adjust. just remember it isn't always the kids fault they don't want to come over. there mother may say or do things that affect the situation just to be spiteful. which may confuse the child even more.
i am not saying that is the case but anything is possible