Seeking Help with a Marriage

I know you've already gotten plenty of great advice here. But just thought I'd also let you know that there are nursing agencies out there that can help your wife if she has Fibro. I used to work with one as a CNA and one of my patients had Fibro. Basically, I'd come into her home and help out with cleaning, cooking, and taking care of her granddaughter that lived with her. Oh, and the dog too! This was the number to that agency, not sure if it's still correct. ###-###-####-Pathways Health Services.

Fibromalagia is a hard disease to understand. To some it might seem as if the person is faking it or can just snap out of it. I used to encourage my patient to get outdoors more. Even if it was to just sit outside and watch me water the grass. I think it helped her. I was able to get her to help me plant some flowers in her front yard also, but she'd be in pain the next day.

Good Luck!

It sounds like you know what you need to do....really. Since she already has had cps on her case once, and you have found that she lied about her medical condition.....and probably lies about other things, maybe you should consider taking your child and leaving. I'm sorry that it's not a more positive solution, but we have had women even in our own family who fit the description of your wife perfectly, and they always end up messed up, with messed up kids.......and it's very sad. In fact, I will be perfectly honest with you, but my own mother was one of those, and even as an adult, I am still suffering from some of the mental, emotional and physical damage that I suffered at her hands. Back in the 70's, mothers nearly HAD to be married, so when I was removed from her care and sent to my grandparents, she was told that if she got married she could have me back. Apparently she married whatever thing she could find, and this man beat me every chance that he got.........so much for marriage being the cure-all for children. I was taken away and sent back to my grandparents again, that time for good. However, I somehow let this woman back into my life when I graduated high school, only to be disappointed again when she got tired of me and my family and threw me and my babies out on and old country road while my husband was at work. This story only gets worse, so I'll stop there, but I personally think that the best thing for you to do, before your wife ruins your life and your child's, is to get as far away from her as you can, and get to court as fast as you can so that you can get custody of your child and get the help and support that you need. By the way, women also have to pay child support if they don't have the children, and it sounds like she needs to get up and do something if she's not willing to be a loving stay at home mom and housewife. Sorry for writing you a book, but this is a touchy subject for me, and if it weren't for the kind, gentle husband and children that I now have, I don't know how I would have made it this far.

Sounds like she has major psychiatric concerns. The tiredness, not interested in seeing friends or going out, not doing anything around the house are all indicative. The jealousy issue is not suprising at all, given the other symptoms. She needs to see someone to try to get on track and/or meds. If not, things will become worse for you and the children. You have to step in to get her help. You may have to have her in a residential treatment program to help her adjust to a normal schedule and level of interest. Is there any hobby she likes to do - push that and do whatever is necessary to allow her the time and space to do so.

In the end, no matter what, she needs help. If she resists (even if/especially if)and there might be a post-partum element this can get dangerous for all involved. Is she self-medicating with either alcohol or prescription medicine? If so, she needs to understand that she is not qualified to do so, and that she needs to see a doctor asap and inform her doctor of the symptoms she has. This may just all be from her medication for the fibro, or a combination of both.

Please do what you can to get her help. The rest is up to her depending on her level of interest to follow through. The main concern, are the children ok - or are they all picking up her agitation and depression?

I hate to bust any bubble you have left, but cervical cancer can be caused by an STD that mimics PID. It is HPV and is communicable by unsafe intercourse with a male who is infected. This virus commonly causes cervical cancer. Or, she could be just trying to get attention?

Good luck.

I am so sorry to hear that you have been having hard times, please know that you are greatly admired - it takes a real man to take on a load like yours. Unless you let your wife know what you are experiencing then you are pretty much left where you are at right now along with the ultimatum of her leaving you and taking the kids along with her, although in this case I am not too sure how she would survive with out your help.
I wish you the best of luck, hopefully there will be some light at the end of the tunnel for you but don't count on her realizing that on her own with out any help from you.

Dear Frustrated Dad,
I am sorry you find yourself in such an unhappy situation. I think as you sort through the various advice you will be getting you have to keep one thing in mind. You picked this woman to be the mother of your chldren (child) even if you felt conned or decieved into it, you are still a consenting adult and you need to do what it takes to keep your family intact. Had you have written this email before you married I would have suggested you check into the CPS thing a bit further. Having been an investigator for CPS and knowing what I had to go through to remove a child from their home I would say that there has to be more to the story and I don't buy the explanation she gave you. It must be still of some consern for you since you mention in it your posting. I wonder if this makes you question her care for your child and her preK child. If this is a consern for you I would suggest you keep doing as much as possible to make sure the children are safely provided for. It does not sound like you two sat down and negotiated the responsibliites of the day to day routine of your home. This seems so trivial when you are first in love but as you know first hand sometimes it is the small things that become the big things. I would sit down and make sure you both come to an agreement on the runnings of your home. This does not mean she will do all the things you would like her to do but perhaps some middle ground can be reached. It is also possible she is unaware of what you really need from her. The trick is to be specific on concrete and avoid generalities or blame. There is no right or wrong way to run a family or seperate duties. The important part is that there is understanding and agreement. Lastly, I see you mention she has a chronic illness. This may mean you have to shoulder more responsibility than you would like. Again, try to come to an understanding together on what roles you should both be performing. There are some new meds on the market for her condition and there are lifestyle changes that can help improve her quality of life. It is hard to be your best when you are constantly in pain. I don't know if I have given you any more insight that what you already have. You married very young and probably were not fully aware of what you were getting into. Having said that it is totally possible to make a marriage work and happy with hard work from both sides. I hope for the sake of the children you will do your best to keep your family intact and do what you need to do (even if it is more than you think you should have to). I do wish you the best.

Maybe she just needs to feel loved.... she might be in a lot of pain and thinks that you don't understand her... ask her to explain it to you, to describe it... you sound like a really good dad... sometimes it just doesn't work... but she needs to figure this out for herself... if she really wants to be there, (with you) or not... you can always fight for custody of the kids.. (just a thought)

Good Luck!!

Counseling may help????

This would be a challenging relationship for someone in their 30s or 40s, much less for someone in his 20s. I think you have good intentions for this woman and her/your kids. You both are still immature (I don't mean that in a derogatory way) and are still learning life skills. There still has to be ground rules, basic rules, in a household. You both have to decide who will do what chores around the house. You have to talk about other things like your basic core values like honesty, trust, etc. and what you expect from each other. If you don't have trust with your spouse, you have no foundation.
It takes constant work and maintenance to make a marriage work and keep it working. (sort of like a car--you wouldn't just keep driving it, knowing it had a mechanical problem)
If the maturity is not there for just these basics, I doubt you will reach your expectations for this relationship. There is pay-as-you-can marriage counseling from organizations like Catholic Family Services (you don't have to be Catholic)and types like that. Their fees are based on your income and ability to pay. If she won't go, you go by yourself. It will help you tremendously to talk to someone. The counselor can help you with a "game plan". Some people learn more life skills than others as they grow up. I was one who had to learn as I went along, but I had help in my 20s to get me back on track.
I hope your wife realizes her responsibility in this relationship and works with you to come to a compromise that will satisfy both of you, and ultimately your whole family. Counseling can teach you to "fight fairly" and help you both to get what you want from your relationship.

If she has been diagnosed with fibromalgia, you should get a second opinion as that can be easily misdiagnosed when doctors have no idea what is wrong. Could she have post=partum depression? It is not just being sad, it is that and so much more.

I wish you well. And kudos to you for reaching out for help.

My advice might not sit well with others here, but your wife sounds like someone I know..

1. Do a total 180 as far as she's concerned.. she can do no wrong, and you love the girls so much that you're thrilled to take care of them.. better than any sleep or coffee.

2. In a couple of months, bring up the fact that you'd like to adopt the older one.

3. After the adoption is final (or fully in the works), bring up the possibility of family counseling - to make sure the older dd doesn't feel anything weird about the adoption or the stuff that happened at daycare.

It is my sincere belief that your wife may be depressed or bipolar (I am not a doctor)... if she is, the counselor may be able to help out with a referral there (for your daughter's sake).

I also believe that you may have some personal issues that aren't necessary - my husband isn't the prettiest man walking, but everyone of my girlfriends have told me how incredibly lucky I am that he's mine.

4. If one through three doesn't fix everything, now that you're the legal F. of the oldest and have a therapist in your corner, file for divorce due to irreconcilable differences and use CPS's records and the therapist's testimony to get primary custody of your kids with supervised visitation for your (ex) wife until she is adequately treated to be able to ensure the welfare of the kids on her own.

For the record, divorce is a nasty ugly monster and may turn you into a frustrated single dad - but your wife needs (IMHO) MASSIVE PSYCHIATRIC HELP (bipolar, depressed). She reminds me of my grandmother (who raised me), and I WISH someone had gotten her help or gotten me out of it.

S.
S.

Marriage takes work you have to get together with your spouse and discuss things and work towards a common goal, tell her what you would like from your marrage and find out what she wants too and work toward it. You may even need outside help like a paster or a marrage counceler. I also highly recomened Relationship Rescue by Dr.Phil. At any rate its your wife you have to talk to, I suggest you talk without the kids around and stay on topic, meaning if your talking about household chores than stay talking about the chores and nothing else. Things in a marrage have to be negotiated. Best of luck.

Hello Mr. H.
First, you are doing great by supporting your wife, especially if she has fibromyalgia. I have a friend who has fibromyalgia who suffers through bouts of many symptoms. There is hope, though. Although there is no cure, there are treatments and medications that can help.
Has your wife been thoroughly reviewed by a physician? If so, make sure she starts treatment, immediately. Along with fibromyalgia is the possibility of having depression, which can inhibit many aspects of her and your family's life. Medications can be prescribed for her symptoms.
Here's a link for information that may help you and can provide answers or help you pose questions to her physician.

http://health.yahoo.com/topic/musculoskeletal/overview/ar...

http://health.yahoo.com/topic/pain/symptoms/article/healt...

http://health.yahoo.com/topic/pain/medications/article/he...

Don't ignore the situation. Be proactive and do it as soon as possible.

By the way, functioning on 4 hours of sleep for the past two years! Congratulations! Welcome to Motherhood! :) I'm going on 4 hours of sleep per night for the past 10 years! :)
Good Luck and Take Care!
D.

WOW! SO many places that this can go...
1. You seem to be in this relationship alone...that might be a major hint. In order for a relationship to be successful it takes 2 people working together from kids to house work to spending grown up time together.

2. Fibroids...is that what she has? If so...it is different for everyone. I have had them since my 2nd daughter & they are not at all painful. I'm 41 now & have had them since I was 27. A friend I worked with had them & would miss a couple days a month from work due to them. BUT we still were able to do the things we had to due for our home & families. There are medical solutions in order to make he life easier they range from medication to surgery.

3. As for never wanting to do anything...sounds like she is either depressed or just trying to seperate you from everyone else that matters in your life. Which ever it is...NOT a good thing. Depression...again there are ways to fix this...medication and/or counseling. If it is the other...see #1. I have been at both places. The depression option really is an easy fix. I thought it was going to be the end of me at first but many have gotten through it with help. If it the 2nd...that is harder. You have to be dedeicated to your partner as well as yourself. From your story she seems to be dedicated to herself only. Gettng away from being that person takes MUCH person strength & self examination. She has to come to terms with herself & realize how wrong she is for acting this way. Some people never make this change.

3. If you decide to end the relationship...As a DAD you have rights! The state of Texas has a standard family law. No matter who gets the kids...unless there is proof that you are unfit (drugs, sexual deviance, neglect) you get to see your kids, have them spend time with you, etc. There is a cost involved but when you go to court BOTH parents have to prove they are good to the kids and can make a life with them alone. She will have a a very weak case without job or history of one for a long period of time. More and more Dads are getting custody of their kids especially if they are willing to be there & fight for their kids.

I wish you the bext of luck.
R.

I am not an expert by any means, but a co-worker of mine also has Fibromyalgia. She left San Antonio yesterday for a treatment facility in Lake Tahoe, California. She has confided in me that the pain from Fibromyalgia is so bad that when she leaves work on Friday, she goes home and sleeps all weekend and that lately, prior to finding this treatment facility, she had thoughts of suicide just to end the suffering. She has been dealing with it for over 10 years.

Maybe a lot of your wife's issues and lack of motivation is due to the pain caused by the Fibromyalgia. I don't know the name of the treatment facility, but I do know it's Dr. Paul Whitcomb in Lake Tahoe, California. The website address is www.stopfibro.com. You might want to check this out and maybe you can get a better understanding of the disease so that you can deal with the resulting issues better.

Maybe if you can get resolve for the disease, then things could start to improve in all other areas. :) Good luck!

Your wifes disease(fibromyalgia) is preventable, if its a mild case. Let her know if she is more active, a change of lifestyle or less stress in her life it might help her. Ask her if there is something like a hobby that she can pick up. She might be going through a slight depression, counseling might help. You are doing a great job, just be supportive and pray that things do change.

Fibromyalgia is a very serious and painful condition. With chronic diseases, often comes depression which your wife may have as well. She sounds like she may have some symptoms of depression. She should definitely see someone. A good therapist could assess the situation and refer her to a doctor for medication if needed. Sometimes an antidepreesant can really help. Marriage therapy would help you both as well. A neutral person can help you both set some household sharing and parenting routines to satisfy both of you and improve your family's life and well being. Good luck to you both.

Wow, you've got a lot going on in this relationship. If she has Fibromyalgia, is she on medication. Do you go to her doctor appointments with her? Is she on an anti-depressant?

And I would suggest family/marriage counseling. If you want to continue in this relationship then you are going to need some help. It sounds as if your relationship might be co-dependent, with you being her rescuer. Pretty soon your going to be bitter with her not changing after you've done so much. And I'm sure none of this is helping your two daughters. a family counselor would be a great help!

I am in total agreement with Steph's advice. You will have to take strong measures in order to save your marriage at this point. If you had not had a child together, I would have advised you to get out while the getting is good. Your wife, even though you love her, is a person who is more than a little self centered.

You sound like the "giver" in the relationship and she is the "taker".

At this point, I'd HIGHLY recommend some pro-marriage counseling. There may be some issues that need to be addressed that only a counselor may be able to get to the bottom of.

Best of luck, no matter what you decide. I'm proud of you for reaching out for advice and help. That's a mark of a good man!

GO BACK AND READ STEPH'S RESPONSE AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. My step kids mother is CRAZY. I spend most of my time compensating for her parenting. She can't help that she's got borderline personality disorder (which is sounds like maybe your wife does too).
Read Stephs advice again and follow it! Get help for yourself and for those innocent kids! NOW!

wow u do have a lot on your plate. you know my neighbor has the same thing. She still manages to do somethings around the house. she just has to take breaks every now and again. her husband does the cooking and most of the cleaning. I think that she should at least make an effort to help out. Maybe she needs to talk to a counsler to get some feelings out. I also believe that every marrage should have times to be alone or to go out on dates it just makes the marrage healthy. Hope thinkgs get better.

Why don't u open a bank account of your own and make yourself in charge of the money, especially if you do most of the work and she is not willing to work with you! As far as the kids, do whatever youcan to be sure they are taken care of and if that means divorce and taking custody, then do so!!

I just wanted to chime in and applaud you for having the humility and caring heart to seek the advice of other women for your women. As can be noted below they are able to share lots of insight into different aspects of the situation. I hope it works out for you, for your wife and for the children. Marriage is sometimes a difficult, tricky, work in progress, work of love each and every day. It can be a bumpy road and each new child into the equation adds a bit to that scenario and takes renegotiation. You are a good man, trying to be a good F. to those children and that means a lot.

I hope you dont roll your eyes at this but i am going to suggest a great book that helped me out alot with my marriage. It is 10 proven steps to saving your marriage by Michelle Wiener Davis( I dont know if that is the exact title but that is the exact author and the book will be titled right along those lines). I hate to say it but it is mostly for the the harder working of the two in the relationship, you know the one who does all the giving and none of the taking. I also agree with what everyone else said about depression. But from what you said curing or managing her depression wont necesarilly make her a better mother or wife. It should make her happier which will make her easier to communicate with. Good luck. P.S. Most of the men in todays society could take a lesson from you!!

families go through lots of problems dalily weekly monthly we have been through a lot also but the most imortant thing is to have Gods peace within our hearts. If we don't have anything to give how can we give to our family and friends? we can't...where do we get Gods peace? By going to Him. We go to church and are encouraged and i believe it helps us survive. We know its Jesus because we see and feel peace in our hearts.