Seeking Help from Any Moms with Two Boys (2 y.o. and 5 y.o.)

Hi C.,

The only advice I have is to maybe have a calm down spot. I taought Kindergarten for a year and had a student who would yell, kick, and hit when he got upset. We had a calm down spot where he sat for five minutes and taught him to count to ten. There were a few books for him to look at about feelings and a few stuff animals for him to hug on. Then I would sit down and ask him why he got so upset and that it was ok for him to be upset but that hitting, kicking, and screaming was not allowed. It didn't stop the meltdowns but they weren't as often or as bad. Hope that helps.

M.

Hi C.!
I have a 3 and a 5 year old and I realized that I was giving too many chances. I explained to him that when I told him something I expected him to do it the first time. And if he didn't I told him the consequences. (time out, or I'd take him by the hand to lead him to it, or he'd lose a privilege, whatever it was) and I followed through. It wasn't easy for me but it really helped. I also stopped what I was doing to get close to him to talk. Then I had him repeat what I said so that I knew he was listening. It'd gotten to the point where he knew I'd repeat and repeat myself enough that he didn't have to listen until I got upset. So, it wasn't as much my son who needed the retraining it was ME!

Maybe it could help you?

I would SPANK the child....in this day and age everyone is "afraid" to do this....OH HELL with that....look at this generation of kids that don't get the disipline they need. They rule over everyone.

GOOD LUCK

I have 3 boys and 3 girls. I would suggest consequences when your 5yr. does not obey. You can try putting him in time-out, putting his toys in time-out, removing other privileges, If he writes well you can have him copy sentences, I sometimes will offer a reward for good behavior when we are out i.e. watch a movie at home, popsicles,etc., I remind them good behavior will be rewarded and bad behavior will be punished when we get home. I think consistency with whatever you do is the key. Parenting can be exhausting but it is well with the work. They will never behave well all of the time. We all have our days, if you are being consistent then circumstances can be taken into account and then you can teach concepts like grace and mercy.

C.:

Hello! I so understand what you are going through - you are NOT alone!

I have two boys as well - ages 8 and 6. Like you, my 6 year old is a little devil - in a good way, he's always been oodled on my friends, family and day care providers - so he uses his "looks" (he's great with facial expressions!) to TRY and get away with stuff. He HATES to lose, so he will through a good two-year old fit when he loses! YIKES! We are working on this by telling him to try harder if he doesn't like to lose or play smarter (depending upon the situation).

You didn't say if your 5-year old just started doing this or if it's been his behavior his whole life. Does he ONLY have these outbursts around you or do others witness them?

If it started when he was two, I would say it started out as jealousy or attention getting because of the "new" baby and when he got your attention with his antics, he has kept doing it because he's got what he wanted, your undivided attention.

If it's been his whole life, I would think it's either something chemical or otherwise. Talking with your pediatrician without your son around will help. I would video tape his outburts for your pediatrician because I'm guessing he doesn't have them in front of your pediatrician.

My 8 year old doesn't have the same outburts such yours. He does have a "fit" when he's tired and upset about something. He does it for attention.

I do have a friend who has an 8 year old that has these problems - not just the screaming, but sensitive to light and sound, etc. he has been diagnosed as AD/HD - I personally feel that he's a working autistic child (his senory issues are strong) and if he's not autistic then he's a good candidate for the "spectrum" (which I think is autistic as well). He also has violent outbursts (he's tried to strangle my youngest son three times - so when he's over, I cannot leave the room to let them play alone, an adult MUST be with them at all times).

I can tell you from experience that yelling back at him won't help. Changing your discipline method or trying to modify his behavior won't help him as all the changes will confuse him. You and your husband need to agree on ONE method (work with your pediatrician) to help your son. CONSISTENCY COUNTS.

When he has his outburts, ASK him to sit in a chair or go to his room until he is ready to talk about why he's upset. Yelling at him, hitting him, etc. won't help. If he won't listen to you, ignore his outburst, ensure that his younger brother is not in danger nor is your older son and leave him alone until he calms down. Some outburts are just pure attention getters. And if you act the way HE wants you to, then he rules the roost and you don't.

1. Go to your pediatrician WITHOUT him. Ensure your husband is on the same page with you regarding discipline and dealing with his outburts.

2. Ask your pediatrician to test him for various things (AD/HD, autism, etc.) as their could be a medical reason for his outburts that he cannot control.

3. Be consistent when he has an outburst - do NOT play in to it.

4. Ignore him until he's ready to TALK about what's upsetting him. Ensure that he is not in a situation to hurt himself or others. But do not try and wrap your arms around him, argue with him or deal with him until he's calmed down.

With my 8 year old, I tell him that when he's ready to TALK about what's upsetting him, I am not going to deal with him. I let him have his fit and ignore it. I ensure that his younger brother is out of the way and such. However, his fits aren't that bad but they are fits and I don't play in to them.

I truly know what you are going through. I hope that you and your husband can work with your pediatrician to work through this.

Keep me informed. And take care, please know you are NOT alone!

I, too, am a mother of 2 boys- age 2 and soon-to-be age 5 in 3 weeks. I don't have the perfect solution for you, but I thought I would give you some things to consider to see if they could be contributing to his discipline problems. Is he bored? I know from my own personal experience that my kids, especially the 4 year old, gets into trouble when he isn't stimulated. I try to keep him engaged in activities like crafts, playing sports in our backyard or basement, taking him to free programs at the library or mall, etc... Is he getting enough/adequate sleep? Being overly tired can definitely contribute to melt-downs. Is he getting enough personal attention from you and his dad? Trust me, I know all about the terrible twos and toddlers demand a lot of attention. Is it possible that he feels like you give more attention to his younger brother? Also, is there enough structure in his daily routine? My children act better when they know what to expect next. I know things are a little more lax during the summer, when school is out, but kids his age still need some predictability. These are just a few things for you to think about. They may or may not apply to your situation, but I hope it helps. Good luck and know that you're not alone in your struggle to do what's best for your boys everyday! God bless!

Hi C.,
Usually between the age of 4-6 children find themselves becoming more independent and attempt to 'cut the apron strings' however they aren't equiped with the experience of handling their emotions and revert to the 2 year old trantrums or fits when they get frustrated. It's time to start getting them to use words to describe their feelings and emotions. YES, this takes time and patience but in the long run it will teach them the skills needed in adulthood. There is an excellent book titled "How to raise a thinking child" that was very helpful to me in raising my own kids/grandkids and foster kids. He is screaming and crying because that's the only way he knows how to deal with his frustration. Talking with him, giving him the opportunity (with guidance) to think of a better way to deal with his frustration and/or anger will empower him to make better choices for himself. I highly recommend the book! It gives examples and some great strategies.

Hang in there! Sending some strong "patience" thoughts and energy your way!
Blessings, T.

I will tell you that this is not an issue restricted to boys. I have a 2 yo boy and an almost 5 yo daughter. My daughter has been just like your son this summer and it has been a long summer. There are times I am close to tears. Plus I have gotten so much advise and tried so many things and they just don't seem to work. She behaves well for my husband but saves her aggression for me. In her case, her friend moved away and her teacher moved to a different room and she doesn't do well with change. I give her a warning and then I sit her in time out, but it will take her an hour of screaming to calm down. Her doctor suggested taking away priviledges, which is great in theory but you have to find something to punish her and not punish the 2 yr old who is behaving well. Maybe find out if there are any changes in your son's life? Good luck and let me know if anything works.

I also have 2 boys (6 and 17 months). You have gotten a TON of great advice here (alot of which I'm filing away) but one other thing I thought I'd mention is TV. We started having a lot of the same issues with our 6 year old son and found that cutting out TV shows (especially commercials) has helped a lot. It seems like the fast movement and high voices and bright colors all wind him up to the point of being unmanagable (his own emotions, not him). Add to that the commercials which are often for violent toys and he gets crazy.

I've also found that sometimes he gets into a mood that he just can't get out of or feels wound up and can't reset. My neighbor gets her daughter to shake or wiggle each body part to shake the bad mood out. They send it on its way and say good bye. I've tried this with my son and it works wonders. He gets to start his behavior over and he doesn't feel like he's stuck in "bad" position. I really think they start acting out and feel like they can't stop sometimes. I'm not saying that there isn't a bigger problem, but if you just need different ways to deal, here are a couple.

T.

Time out! Yes, I think it's that simple if you hold him to it. Don't yell at him. Tell him, "no yelling; if you yell, you will have time out for five minutes each time." The important thing to include is what he can do when time out is over - give him a choice of a couple of OK activities he'll enjoy.

I had two kids of my own plus I took care of 4-8 other kids age infant to 10 yrs. old for 12 yrs. It's not a perfect system, but it works to some extent for every child. They have to sit there quietly. I've had them that couldn't sit and would have a day when they spent the majority of an hour in time out, but eventually they learned that I was serious and it was worth it to behave appropriately. Sometimes they are really looking for that structure.

- J. D

C.,
Your house sounds like mine except my boys are almost 5 and just turned 3. My almost 5 year old sounds just like your son. A year ago he was the perfect children that you could not get enough of and now for about the last 6 to 9 months I could hang him by his toes and I dont want to be in the same house with him. He picks on his sisters and younger brother, will not share, yells at me when I tell him to do something, screams at the top of his lungs if I discipline him, he has become a hightmare of a child and I am at a loss. I have done the spanking, time in his room, time out and even a rewards system for good behavor and everything works for a short time and then he is back to being nasty. He is very high energy and we have found that if he is outside and doing things to burn some energy he does better but with 4 other children I cant always get him to a place to burn his energy and with my husband working full time daily outings is not easy. I am very hesitant to take all the kids someplace by myself because I never know what behavior I am going to have. I would love to know if you come up with something that works because I am ready to call Super Nanny for help because I am at the end of my rope and my patience level is gone, I am truly at a loss with my son. It does not help that what he does he is teaching the younger one so I end up with 2 that I am at a loss with.

I know I have not given you any ideas to work with but I wanted you to know you are not alone!

It's a difficult thing to unravel. The best advice I ever got was to love them most when they are most unlovable. Which might mean waiting through the temper tantrum without saying anything, and then holding him and saying, "You are very upset about something. It's hard to have such big feelings. I know you are XX about XX." Give your son words for his emotions. If his temper tantrums make you want to yell back, perhaps you can tell him, in five year old terms, that he's entitled to his big feelings, but he cannot make everyone else miserable with them. If he needs to yell and stomp and hit a pillow, he can do it in his room with the door closed, and he is welcome to rejoin the family when he's got his angries out.

I used to give my son a bunch of paper and a pen and let him draw the angries out in great big sheet-tearing scribbles. Then we'd make a game of balling up the paper and throwing them away.

All of this doesn't address why his behavior has changed. It can be something as simple and complex as a testosterone surge. It could be a change in routine, a disruption in the family, anxiety about school. It's your job to figure out what's going on, and make sure you don't get sucked into the maelstrom in the process.

And give yourself a time out when you get upset. It helps your kids see that sometimes grownups need to take a minute to calm down. Good luck!

hm. some of this does sound normal, but multiple screaming fits and repeated physical aggression is over the top.
the hardest, simplest and most important thing is consistency. whatever you decide your consequence is going to be, apply it every time, calmly and inexorably. if you don't like spanking, or time outs, that's fine, pick something that you can do at home or out, and do it. and boy will you get sick of doing it. do it anyway. once they're established you can be flexible for smaller infractions, but not now.
if he stays this out-of-control despite your clear-cut non-negotiable boundaries, you might want to have him evaluated.
but chances are it's phase, and how you handle it will determine how the next challenges go.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Hey,
Do one two three magic and don't back down. "Walk over" the tantrums. Hold him with hugs, pay attention to him on his own. Your two year old is getting your attention with negative attention, why shouldn't he? If he's in school, that's more time alone with the two year old. Is there something going on that he is having difficulty verbalizing? Show him unconditional love.

If you have tried everything, consistently for at least 2 weeks, and are still having problems ask your pediatrician about having him evaluated by a neurophysiologist. It could be looking for attention because the 2 yr old is wild and taking up more of your time, it could be ADD or ADHD, it could be depression which in kids mimics ADD symptoms, it could just go away when he starts kindergarten and is more independent...if you're worried, call, that's what they're there for. Sometimes it's just hard to be 5 and not able to do what you want to do.

Hi C.,
Lots of good advice here from other moms! My favorite parenting book is James Dobson's Dare to Discipline. I also found the books The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell and How to Really Love Your Child by D. Ross Campbell very eye-opening.

Hang in there - don't give up. He needs you to be in charge and in control. I agree with the other moms that he should absolutely not be allowed to hit you or disrespect you in any way. He needs consequences for this behavior or any bad behavior every time. Consistency is so important.

I know it can be so frustrating!! Parenting takes the patience of Job and the wisdom of Solomon!!!!
Y.

I am also a mother of two boys. they are now 12 & 14. I too went through what you were going through. My youngest, Tyler, was wild. He wouldnt hold his attention to anything, he would throw fits,& he wouldnt listen. At first I went with alot of people telling me it was normal for him to be like that. But my older son was nothing like that. I decided to put him in daycare to see if that would help him instead of him being with me all the time. well that was great at first but then he broke out of his shell there and started doing it there as well. Well he got kicked out of the daycare so I had to find a home care. he did the same thing there. he was fine at first and then started acting himself. Well she had threatened to stop watching him and at this time I was a single mom, I couldnt afford to lose her. So I took him to my pediatrician. He recommended me to see a nuerologist. Which I did. They did alot of tests and I had to have numerous people he was around fill out questioneers on his behavior. They came to the conclusion that he was ADHD. I really was against giving him any meds for this but I was at the end of my straw. so they put him on a medicine called Dexedrine. Which he is still on. And he is so different. I could take him to the movies and he would watch the entire movie. He was calmer and seemed to listen more.
I know alot of people are against meds for children but it does work for some. I would at least talk to your family physician and see what they think.
I hope this helps you.

Hi C.,
I have three older children. I have NEVER allowed them to hit me or do anything else like that to me. If you let that go without any punishment your boys will think it is okay to do that to other people, including their future wives! Dicipline, and guidance can be done without spanking. After all aren't you telling them not to hit people. Spanking is hitting. A time out session (one minute per year of age) and isolation-no response from mom until they are quiet and nice- before sitting down calmly and explaining to them afterwards what is expected from them and what is not allowed. Your husband needs to be in on this with you. If he disciplines another way the boys will get confused. Stay strong. Remember you are the boss and make the rules. When they get older they can help you decide what rules are mutuably agreeable on.

The suggestions here are great. I'd add that your time out, or "naughty step" (as "Supernanny" Jo Frost calls it) or whatever you use must be used immediately the moment that your son hits/screams/etc. or he won't get the connection between his behavior and the instant consequence of time out. And it must be used EVERY time consistently. If he hits and gets the time out, then hits again 10 minutes later, it's back to time out, no negotiations or changes or lessening of the time spent there. He screams or wallops his brother five mintues after that? Back to time out.

The tough and wearing thing for you will be doing this same discipline over and over immediately, every single time, and for a while you may feel like you're putting him in time out 10 times a day, which you may be. (And by the way, your husband or any other caregivers need to be totally with you on whatever discipline you choose or your son will quickly learn who lets him get away with things.) But a few days of very calm, very collected, no-yelling mom/dad/whoever removing him instantly when he misbehaves could be the key.

Besides time out you may need to find out his "currency"--whatever he most values and hates to lose. That's what you take away. With advance warnings, of course, so he knows that it's his own choice that lost him his beloved TV time, or computer game time, or play date, or whatever you tell him he will truly lose if he does X. Again, consistency-- when he does X, he loses the thing you said he would lose.

Some moms in other forums have recommended Supernanny's books and I've flipped through them in stores --they seem quite sensible. And there is a book with a title like "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk" that might be helpful. Good luck!

Hi C.-
(Wow, these are some great suggestions that I will use too!)

I have a 2 and 5 year-old also, but it's my 2 year old that lashes out and screams, etc. So I don't know what advice to give for the age, but my only suggestion is a method that works for us, especially on hard days:

Quality One-on-0ne time.

If I can my make spare time with him for even just 10 minutes while the others are napping or at school, it makes all the difference in the world. I give him my undivided attention. I make sure he knows the next little while is ALL his and we can play with his favorite games or build a fort or read his favorite books, make cookies, whatever. I'm always amazed at how much better he listens to me for the rest of the day and also how much LESS he hits and screams.

Love works the best with him. Of course, love's hard to give when they throw a book at your head, but that's just parenting, I suppose. :)

Best wishes!

If none of your friends have the problems you are dealing with, then how can they tell you it is normal? Trust your instincts, and keep seeking answers. I was at the end of my rope w/ my 4 yr old daughter (I also have a 7 yr old who is very easy going, bright and gives us virtually no problems). After waiting until age 4 for her to grow out of terrible two behavior, I was convinced that my 4 y.o. just didn't tick the way other kids do.

You don't say enough for me to have any idea if this could be his issue, but since some others have mentioned ADHD, I have to mention my daughter's issue, which is sensory integration and no one has mentioned that. I'm convinced that way too many kids are diagnosed ADHD when their issue is really SI. Check your library for the book "The Out of Sync Child" by Carol Stock Kranowitz and see if any of that sounds like your child. If not, move on. SI is treated by occupational therapists and is really not in the realm of behavioral pediatricians. I was fortunate enough to meet an OT socially who steered me in the right direction.

She started weekly therapy last month, and we see a difference already. It's not a magic bullet, but it's an encouraging start. We also see a behaviorist. My husband and I had a 2 hr session w/ the behaviorist (w/o our daughter) and that may turn out to be the most beneficial of all as it put my husband and me on the same page (my husband takes advice better from someone else than he does from me). She helped us understand what our daughter is dealing with, and gave us some new techniques to try and they are helping. She also recommended the book mentioned in another post "How to Talk So YOur Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk." I'm only about 40 pages in so far, but I tried what I had learned last night on something that upset my daughter, and instead of the usual escalation of emotions, it totally diffused her!

So good luck! I know the frustration you are feeling. That was totally us. Don't be afraid to ask for help, and pay for it too if you have to. It may be the best money you ever spent if it brings harmony to your family.

If you want to teach your children to respect you and others, you must not tolerate hitting, kicking and screaming in your face. First determine why the child is doing this? Is he tired or hungry or had too much sugar? Is he intentionally trying to hurt you or is this anattention device he has learned? Does he have anxiety? DEtermining the cause will help you deal with the behavior. Nevertheless, tell him firmly that he is not allowed to hurt people. Have you tried a time-out? That worked with my children. Some children can be calmed by taking them outdoors to a park for exercise. Also nature gives us God's peace. AF

I have a friend who has 5 year old twin boys and one of them acts very similar. Whenever I go out with them, I know that there will be some sort of screaming match. I think her problem is she is not consistent. You HAVE to be consistent with a child like that. He needs to know what is expected of him and that each and every time he acts in an inappropriate way - he will suffer consequences. Even if that means ruining time for your family out of the house or whatever. I use a "naughty mat" with my 4 and 5 year olds and they seem to respond very well. I give one warning about the inappropriate behavior. If it continues, the are sent to the mat for 4 or 5 minutes. If they continue to scream, cry, yell, fuss, whatever - time does not start. Once they sit down and remain calm, I start their time. When time is done, I walk over and sit with them and ask them why they are there. Most of the time they can tell me. IF not, we go over it again so that they understand. If he's a kicker and a screamer and refuses to go to the mat, you just have to keep bringing him back. If he continues to refuse, start taking his favorite toys away, one by one and put them in a bin to put way out of sight for an extended period of time. He can earn those toys back - one by one - at a later time. Don't engage in a lot of yelling or bickering with him. That's attention he doesn't need to get. When he is being a good boy and behaving -- always compliment him and tell him how special he is. It may take some work, but I think if you stick with it he'll get better. It will work on the little one, too. Maybe starting it now will avoid worse behavior in the future. Good luck and stay strong.

My five year old son is also going through this stage. It doesn't help that his older silbling is a very whiny sister...so therefore he also whines ...alot.

I really like the tactics that SuperNanny uses. We have become avid watchers of her show. We are Christians, but her teachings are basic...you are in charge, you're the boss. Your children must listen to you for their safety and well-being. If they refuse use a timeout or naughty bench, stool, step, or chair. Time out is one minute per year and it does not begin until they are sitting still and quiet. you tell them why and you place them there. After they fully comply with the timeout you talk to them about why they were put there, tell them what is expected from them and ask them to apologize. You must make sure that they stay on the assigned time out spot the entire time and do not give on. Do not allow their tantrums to give you cause to direct your attention to them while they are in time out. In other words if they are sitting in the spot but flailing about ignore them, they are trying to get your attention through bad behavior.

Hi C.!

Like you I am not very active on this board although I hope to be at some point. I have occasionally had a couple posts that struck me and decided to try and help where I could. I do have two boys; they are ages 7 and 9 now. I can remember each of them going through a similar stage like you describe your son. A meltdown is a great way to describe it. I used to tell my oldest son that when he got upset his legs turned to noodles. What concerns me most about your post is the hitting and kicking. Although my boys would scream and cry and hit the floor at times of anger etc. they never hit or kicked at me or anyone else. When your son reacts this way are you close to him, holding him, trying to talk with him? If so you are there for him to take it out on. I have found the best way to deal with this and to teach them that their behavior will get them no where is to simply walk away from them. Do not engage them while they behave that way and let them lay there crying etc. until they realize its not working. When he hits or kicks at you explain to him that his behavior is not acceptable and that you do not deserve to be treated that way and walk away. If it’s particularly bad, or in a place where you can not leave him to fuss it out you may have to pick him up and carry him somewhere where he can then get over his tantrum. The car, a time out place in the home, outside of someone else’s home etc. Children go through this stage because this is how they get attention or they are unsure of how to express their feelings in other ways. If you are giving him attention because he behaves this way he will continue to do this because it is paying off. If you do not give him the space to find other ways of dealing with his feelings this will become his way of coping. It will likely get worse before it gets better and he will try even harder to get your attention in the beginning when he realizes its not working as it has before. Taking away things that mean something to them also works, but they have to earn these things back with good behavior or it will not work long term because they will know they are going to get it back and not fear loosing it. Which ever way you decide to deal with this remember to be consistent.
Good Luck,
G.

My ped. recommended the book 1, 2, 3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan. It has worked wonders with my crazy 4 year old. I'm not saying we don't fall back into the hard times, but this book gives you a solid tool to use when you feel like you don't have the energy anymore. Your 2 year old will even pick up on the discipline. What does your 5 year old's teacher say about his behavior? Does he act the same way in school?

I am so with you. My 5 year old is doing the same thing. Most of the time he is fine, but when he blows, he blows. The best thing you can do is remain calm and in control. I know that's hard. When my 5 year old yells (he doesn't hit or kick, thank goodness), I calmly tell him that he will not yell at mom, and that we can talk about X (whatever set this off) when he calms down. Establish a "safe place" where he can go to get himself together. Ours is his bed or the couch, depending on where we are at the time. When he gets out of control, I tell him he needs to go to a safe place and get himself calmed down (at first, I had to put him there, but it's gotten a bit better). You cannot talk reasonably to someone who is very upset, work with him on how to calm down (deep breaths, counting to 10 or 100...)then discuss it.

One thing I see missing is your hubby and whomever gives child care when you work part time. You need to have a "war counsel" . Sit down and explain what the rules will be. I like the l,2, 3 rule. Have each person tell your son that they really love him, but this behaviour stops NOW!!!

In teaching, we just have cards that we put up after student's names with l, 2, or 3. Usually at step 3 parents are called or they are sent to guidance. It seems to work since it is faithfully used by the teacher.

Grandma N.

Welcome to my world. It happened to me as well with girls mind you. Although boys are different in energy levels. However my older daughter who is now ten has gone through that stage and sorry to tell you still have lapses. First you have to answer four questions: Assuming that while you work part-time someone else is watching your child, has there been any changes in the day care? What I mean new person, change in schedule, etc. Some kids hate change - I am an asst. teacher at a pre-school and have seen this happen. Find that out first. Second, has something changed at home? Third, go back to the time when you first noticed the change in behavior, was something going on at your work, daycare or home that could have caused a change in behavior. Lastly, it's tough to think about but is he afraid of someone or something?

Just an fyi - sometimes certain foods can affect behavior patterns as does medication. My daughter was on an allergy medication that later we found out causes mood swings and suicidal thoughts - obviously we took her off but noticed that her behavior did change.

Second, when these events occur tell him in a calm tone that when you finish counting to five he must stop and listen to you. This gives you time to calm down and him to understand that once you get to five and he doesn't calm down - you send him to your room and put him on a timer for 5 minutes or until he is calm enough to talk about it. Let him set the grounds for when he is ready. My daughter needed and still does the down time, my middle child does not, my son who is four needs it as well and so do I. Make sure that to follow-up on consequences of his actions. If he doesn't calm down, he not only gets to go to his room but he loses tv, toy time, etc. - when all is calm then you calmly later ask him or play act out with him with his toys what is bothering him. He does not have the language to tell you so you'll have to find the best methods - my daughter draws. No matter what tell him all the wonderful things you love about him and tell him that all you want is to understand what is bothering him. Be prepared to listen and do not respond to fix it. Also be fully prepared to accept what he says - some things you may not like but don't get angry. Find a way asking him what he thinks might be the way to fix the solution. Try this. I hope it works for you.

Consistency among all the people in the house is the key. This goes for sitters too!

My son's school told me about the 123 Magic approach and it really does work if you stick to it. I have a 7 year old that LOVES to argue. They need to know that what you say goes. They act out to get attention and they need to learn that that type of behavior is not acceptable.

Here is what the book suggested (brief recap)...

Sit all the children down and explain the new approach to discipline. When they do something that is not acceptable they will get a "1". If they continue after a minute or two they get a "2". If the behavior still continues they get a "3" and go immeditaly to a time out location that is somewhere safe but away from the source of the problem and other members of the family (this is so that they can't continue to get the attention they are trying to get). Time out is one minute per year old. Once they are done you let them know they can leave and the problem is not discussed again.

The main thing is not to give them the satisfaction of srguing back or drawing attention to the negative behavior.

Hitting, screaming and major offenses can get an immediate "3" and time out.

If you have a child that will not stay in the time out room you need to be forceful and when they leave you take them right back (without talking and arguing) until the time is up.

The most important thing is to stay calm and not yell and argue - they are trying to get a response from you and if they suceed then they win.

The leaving the room stops after they realize that they are going to be taken back until their time is done.

You also need to be sure that if they do something nice you compliment them on the good behavior or appropriate way of handling things. Kids love you to fall all over them even if it is something little and the more positive feedback they are given the more they will want.

I agree with the previous posts - you can not allow the hitting to continue. Not only is it an inappropriate behavior but you have another child that you do not want to copy that type of behavior. Hope this helps!

Here is the website if you want to check on ordering the book or a DVD.

http://www.parentmagic.com

C., as a mom of 3 boys, I totally understand your pain! There was a time when I felt like I was loosing my mind. Our oldest son has always been a very strong willed child to say the least. When he was around your son's age, I had tried evey kind of discipline (I thought) and nothing seemed to work. Most days were not very good, in fact, bedtime was a time I looked forward to. We were so beside ourselves that we took him to the doctor to see what was wrong with him. I laugh about it now but back then I was at the end of my rope. We had even been asked to "get him fixed" or leave a daycare center. The doctor said he was very strong willed and showed us how to really use time-out effectively. I had been the one in time-out every day before her lesson. Sad but true.

Did you know there is an easier way? A lot of times we hear things like "why don't these kids come with insructions." I use to wonder that myself. Until I learned that there is an instruction book that tells us exactly how to raise and discipline our kids. You can search high and low like we did for years, so lost, or you can pick up the Bible and find exactly what you and your son need.

Once I learned this, I decided to give it a try. One of the first things was that I had to learn that his behavior choices were just that HIS CHOICES. So we learned to tell him ahead of time what was expected of him and what his consequences would be IF he chose poor behavior. And for us the hardest part was our follow through. I mean no matter what, I had to follow through completely every time. Even if it was 100 times a day, 7 days a week. His well being depended on it!

The consistancy is paying off! Our boys are now 12, 7 & 2yrs old and although they are still all boys, they make better behavior choices now days. There's a chart that I found called an "If-Then" chart that works good for the younger ones. It has pictures and words and shows what will happen if the child chooses to behavior a certain way. Example: IF...Disrespect, rude behavior, poor manners Then...Loss of privilege. You fill in the consequences you want to give for the action.

Another thing with my oldest, I found that if I kept him busy with chores and helping me, he was so much happier. Free time is hard for him even today. He likes scheduled days and consistancy. And he loves to be needed. So I always ask him to help me lots especially when I feel he's about to make a poor choice. Once I learned to accept the fact that it's my job to help redirect him before he makes poor choices throughout the day, things became so much better for all of us.

He loves to hear happy, good, encouraging words from us instead of the stop, don't, quit, get out of that we use to say all of the time.

Email me anytime at ____@____.com if I can help you in any way. Sorry for my spelling errors. I didn't have time to check them. LOL

Take Care,
N. :) SAHM homeschooling 3 boys 12, 7 7 2yrs old married to Mr. Wonderful for almost 15 yrs. Have you heard of Angel Food before? Check out www.angelfoodministries.com for more info. We love it!

Hi C. - I don't know if it will help you, but my son responds to singing??? I made up a "manners song" and any time he didn't listen or exhibited behaviour that wasn't good then I took him and sat on the floor, holding both his hands and rather loudly sang the song. At first he thought it was funny - but now the mere mention of the "do we need to go and do the manners song" is enough to curb his behaviour. I hope that helps.