Seeking Advice to Get My Husband to Pay Attention to His 3Rd Child

Wow, this is difficult to say the least. It sounds to me that you two need to talk about going to counseling. I went to it myself and after the second session I was hooked. She was awesome. I found out things about myself, why I acted the way I did, etc... I think that you both will be enlightened if you take serious steps with a counselor.. SOON!

T.,
This is going to sound terrible, and two years ago I would not have given this advice...as you mentioned you really cannot control someone else. You can only control yourself. You've stated your case and perhaps your girls get aggrivated because they see it in you. The best thing to do is to let it go. What I mean by that is...you should make sure that you continue to pay equal attention to all three of them and don't bother asking him to participate anymore. Adopt an "I don't care" attitude about it with both him and the kids and DON'T show an attitude about it at all. Take your concerns to God and let him handle it. When you get out of His way, miracles can happen because He will be able to work in your husbands heart.
When your husband see's that you don't give this anymore energy, and you still love him without an attitude, he might just soften his heart a bit and come around on his own when he's not forced. This could take some time...even up to a year, but be persistant with your change.
If he dosn't come around THEN kick his ass!
Best of luck with this.
D.

I have 7 children--first of all. Three are bio children. As told to you before you MUST stop forcing (or thinking your forcing) this child on him. He is a MAN. He will buy the girl more than likly because someone taught him to do that. He probly does it to you. Get the book The Smart Step Family at a christian books store. Read it and take what it says to heart. I want to tell you to love your husband--he is there. I also want to tell you that you can ONLY change YOU and your ways not anyone elses. When you change YOUR expectations--life will be so beautiful for you. I read the book-took a class with the book as a study guide. Life is great. Your kids will be OK with whatever dad gives them--let go of your expectations of what you wanted as a father for your kiddos and let him be the father he will be anyway. Love your marriage, love your man (THE WAY HE IS), love your life OR LOOSE IT ALL!

Rough but it is REALity.

L.

You might tell him, gently, in a non accusatory way "honey, you know girls learn about male female relationships from the one they have with their fathers. _______ is 14, if she doesn't get affection and attention from her father she is likely to fall for the first boy who gives her the attention she craves." Let him chew on that, only say it once, but he will think about it. Pray, the Lord can change his behavior, your nagging probably drives him further away. When he takes little steps encourage him, go way out, like we did the first time our little one used the potty. That will encourage him to do more.

I think you should stop forcing it. I know it's hard for you to handle, and I don't have any better suggestions, but you should definitely stop forcing it. Perhaps seeking professional advice through counseling would be the only way to show him how his behavior is affecting your marriage and the lives of your chidren.
Good luck.

Stop nagging him. That special long date with his daughter will be remembered a lifetime. Plan family outings that he will enjoy as well. Encourage him to keep up with the dating his daughters once a month or so. My brother used to spend a lot of time with his boys, but not so much with his girl. So, he set up a date night once a month. She would dress all up and he would take her out. She's loves her daddy even though he spent a lot more time with his boys. Lay off of him with the daily stuff. He won't do it out of spite in response to you. It would be better to have peace at home, then knowing your parents were fighting because of you (which is what your daughters will think) or that Daddy only gets mad when he is forced to spend time with us, etc. etc. You will make things worse by nagging him. Praise him instead, sincere praise without overdoing it, when he does spend time with them. Tell him how much it means to them. Don't ever say anything about it to your daughters or you will influence him negatively. Praise him to your daughters on how great it was that he took you out, etc. Pray that he will take on more of an interest. Let him know kindly how important it is, especially in their dating and marrying years, that father/daughter relationship. But, don't force him to just because you want him to. If you have said stuff in front of or to your girls about this - stop. Apologize. Admit you were wrong and start praising him. Don't get me wrong - I agree with you. But, you are only making things worse.

Stop trying to force the girls on him. It is only making you resentful, probably him resentful, and the girls are going to pick up on this. He may just not know how to connect with them and forcing the issue is only going to continue to be awkward.

Instead, try to find something that all of you can do as a family. I see you live in Austin. There are tons of things to do around the area. Hicking, fishing, or camping are great family activities. Go to an amusement park or ball game.

What I am suggesting is that instead of trying to find time for him to do things individually with the girls, find things that all of you can do together. They'll get to spend time with their father and all of you will get to spend time together as a family.

Some men in today's society feel really weird about being around young girls, even their own children. With so many child predators out there today, maybe he's worried about how he should handle, treat a girl in public. Especially, the little one. She can't go to the bathroom by herself in public, but does he really want to tote her into the men's bathroom? A lot of places are adding "family" bathrooms lately. But, there are still a lot of places that don't have them.

The most important thing to do is to quit trying to force the issue. You say you have a good marriage. But, this is obviously putting strain on it. Good luck and I do wish you all of the best with this problem.

T.,
I feel for you, my kid's father and then men in his family are all about the boys. The daughters and grandaughters in this family aren't shown their significance in this world or how God designed them to be. Since you have already been nagging you may just want to nicely tell him that girls learn who they are from their father. It may lay something on his heart if he were to realize she may grow up to hunger for the attention of a man and at that feel less than. Do some praying too for guidance from above before you address this. After that there is nothing left to be said anything else would be nagging and cause resentment. Pray

Sometimes men have trouble "connecting" in unfamiliar territory. Does he have sisters that are close to his age? He may not know what to do with girls. Does the oldest daughter play sports or have any acivities where dad could attend & be supportive? If not, how about taking her to a movie, out for ice cream or he can teach her about something he likes. If shes really missing her dad, she wont mind learning how to fish, or the rules of baseball, etc. I know you are tired of having to tell/ remind him but you can really only do so much. As they say, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Tell him it's not about it's importance to you, it's about what it means to his girls. The 14 yr old is old enough to talk to him about it & encourage her to do so. When he does make an effort, try not to criticize the way he does it. Make suggestions for activities & be supportive when he has quality time with them, even if it isn't what you had in mind.

This situation is not a new one. Many guys identify better with their male children and spend a lot of time doing "guy" things with them. They are completely at easr and confident in their role with their son.

However, when it comes to the girls, they are insecure and afraid that they do not know how to interact with them. (By the way, does your husband have any sisters? I would guess that he doesn't, thus making him feel even more out-of-place with his girls.)

What I would suggest is this: First, tell him that he doesn't have to do "girl" things with his daughters. He can take them to ball games, to the movies, out for a soda or ice cream, many things that both sexes enjoy.

As for the nagging, give it up. It only makes him feel worse about his failures as a Dad. Believe me, he KNOWS he's not doing right by his girls. Ask him to come up with some activities that HE would enjoy doing, and ask him to include one of the girls. (BIG IDEA: Why does the family have to be separated when doing something fun? Include EVERYBODY in some of these outings. It could be as simple as playing catch in the front yard, or throwing water balloons at each other in the back yard in the summertime. All kids (and adults!) like that sort of thing!)

As your family gets used to spending time all together, I think the differences between the son and daughters will fade. You'll all just enjoy each other for who you are and for what each person's special talents are. That's the way it's supposed to be.

I hope you get things worked out. Making one or the other feel guilty is not the way to go. Think positively, and be sure to praise your husband when he makes an effort.

I agree that scheduling a family night might help, that way your husband doesn't feel pressured to be "super dad". We have one night a week where we either have family game night, family movie night or we go out and do a family activity like bowling, the movies or just out to eat. This has helped us bond as a family because we are all so busy during the week and my husband works crazy hours.

If it's a deeper problem you may want to consider couples or family counseling. Sometimes it helps for a 3rd impartial party to help you communicate and work out the kinks!

Good luck and hang in there!

I too have a similiar situation, but in all fairness men relate better to boys than to girls. I just plan family activities that involve the whole family, that way they spend time with their father. When my husband spends time with our son, I plan something for the girls. I kind of off-set it for all the children. I know that is not exactly what we want from our husbands, but that is as good as it gets for right now.

C. B.
Arbonne Consultant
www.MoreTime4MyKids.com
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I think time as a family with both parents and all three of the kids - or at least both of the older two - might be a better solution than the weekend long daddy daughter dates he plans on his own. Maybe a sporting event as a family would be fun. That way he is in his element, but also enjoying time with all of you. When I think of my childhood, it isn't the few times I spent alone with each parent that I remember most fondly - it's times when we were all together that I cherish. You are so right... you can't change him and make him someone he isn't - and you can't make him see a problem that he doesn't even realize exists. I get the best results from my husband when I ask for his help. Few men can resist the damsel in distress! "Honey - I could really use your help getting the baby bathed tonight. Honey - could you pick up (14 year old girl) from dance tonight? Could you take a few minutes and read this paper that she wrote? She could really use your advice. etc" Make him feel needed and he might step up and surprise you.

Hi T.,
I have to agree with Debbie. Look at it this way, it will be his loss not yours. I feel for the girls because they are probably wondering what the heck is going on with the relationship between them and their daddy. Christmas is coming up, why don't you give him the CD with the song Silver Spoon? I really hope that when he finds himself old and with all the time in the world he will be looking for the girls and the girls may tell him "sorry I don't have time have to go now."

Best of luck,
Elisa

Have you considered family counseling? It seems that you are at a standstill in your home and the girls do deserve constant, steady attention from their Dad as well as the boy.Find a time to seriously discuss this possibility and tell him that you can't continue the marriage until he either consents to family counseling, or couples counseling, or individual counseling. You need a third party to reach him on this issue, since he is not paying attention to your suggestions. Best of luck. J. K.

Dear T.,

First of all, bless you for being such a loving mom. You are not alone in taking the role of mediator-wanting everyone in the family to be happy and carrying the responsibility of all the family members' relationships. I'm right there with you, sister! My first bit of advice would be to share your letter to mamasource with your husband. I'm sure your husband is a loving guy, from the way you describe him. I've learned that I have to be VERY concrete and detailed in my requests with my husband and 12 year old son. My daughter seems to pick up on the subtleties and does many things without being asked. I don't want to sound sexist, but I truly believe guys are wired differently.

Also, ask him what he thinks would be fun to do with each of his daughters. The things my husband did with his daughter were not what I would choose -bedtime routine, etc. He preferred wrestling or being outside with her.
Obviously, that's inappropriate with the 14 year old, but maybe they can decide on a shared activity that is fun...on their own.

Good Luck and Best Wishes!
D.

I agree, he SHOULD be willing to spend time with "the girls". But he doesn't. And he won't. I hate to say this, but you'll not change him. HE is the only person who can change him. If his presence at the bedtime routine does nothing but upset you and the child, don't invite him. Later on in years the children will remember how YOU put them to bed and will teach this to their own children.

Don't let his attitude hurt you or your marriage anymore. Teach your son what a responsible dad is supposed to act like. When he has children, he'll make better choices.

Good luck and best wishes,
K.

That 14 year old daughter is going to want to start dating soon and I'll bet he takes notice then. He might benefit from a visit with a counselor now so that he will know what to say to her when that time comes. If he doesn't pay any attention to her now, she won't listen to him when the really important things come up. He can talk "guy things" with the boy and is probably uneasy around the girls, but he needs to be made to understand that if he doesn't take charge now, he'll be totally lost and out of the scene very shortly. At 14. she needs HIM to be telling her what boys think. As for the little one, if he's just read her a story and hug her goodnight, that should be enough just now. Don't try to make him into something he isn't. My dad didn't interact with me much, but he was always there when I needed him and I always knew he loved me even tho he didn't show it a lot. Your children look to you to be cuddled and comforted; they look to him for guidance and security.