Seeking Advice on Whether or Not to Cancel Thanksgiving Dinner with Family

Yep, cancel. Sorry, it's not worth all the drama.

The difference with you and I would be this. Instead of me asking people to respect one another, I would say, "Look, everyone is coming. If you can't agree to be pleasant to one another stay at home. Any one who gets out of line will be asked to leave."

I have done that before. I've also been at odds with a family member before. That's mine and his problem, no one else's. I usually just stay away from him, but am polite when addressed. The end.

I would suggest a red, perhaps Merlot.

Ya can't pick family but you can pick wines. If all else fails you have the bottle to hit them over the head with. :)

You said, "My dream Thanksgiving would be to just head on over to a homeless shelter and serve someone who just might be truly thankful, or cancel this meal and reinvite anyone who doesn't have a place to go to, to come and enjoy a meal with us."

Don't dream it - do it.

ETA: As for your family not being cool with non-family guests, tough. When I host an event at MY house, I decide who is on the guest list. Anyone who has an issue with another guest is free to stay home.

I personally would not deal with that type of drama and immaturity.

GO be with YOUR family and do what makes YOUR family happy.

There is a reason we live a plane ticket away from everyone!!

Hey NP:

I think you have got a good reason to cancel: why invite folly into your home?
You've extended the olive branch and asked everyone to agree to a common expectation. All they can agree to is not to talk to the people who po'ed them.

I'm not sure why they feel that others "have to deal with them just the way they are". No one seems to be trying to meet you in the middle.

Find a fun plan for your family. A lot of shelters do end up having loads of extra volunteers they really can't use on Thanksgiving, so do call ahead of time so the kids won't be disappointed (also check on age requirements, many places have them). Certainly, since these people feel they are under no obligation to be civil to each other for your sake, you are under no obligation to host.

Hey, maybe then they can all be mad at you and then you're off the hook for next year! Silver lining? ;)

If family/people can't check their feuds at the door - then don't invite them in.
Make your holidays into something YOU enjoy - and everybody else can do as they please.
Life's too short to waste it doing anything else.
Cancel the dinner now (give them time to shop and cook their own meals or make other plans).

Don't do anything that is going to result in an unpleasant Thanksgiving. If you know in advance that this family get together is not going to be fun, then don't do it.

If going to a homeless shelter is really your dream Thanksgiving, then do it, if your husband agrees. It would be a great experience for your kids.

Good for you! And you should be proud of being neutral, not exhausted by it. You must be a reasonable person.

I agree with Hazel, it's wonderful that you'd like to help out at a homeless shelter on Thanksgiving, but they get a ton of volunteers on Thanksgiving and Christmas and very few the rest of the year. Cancel the extended family Thanksgiving. If you still want to host a dinner invite whoever you want to a potluck and go to your charity event afterwards. It sounds like you have a busy day planned, so I'm sure if you do a turkey or whatever main dish the friends and family you choose to invite would be happy to bring a side dish or dessert. Enjoy your day!

I support your idea of going to a homeless shelter or inviting all those that don't have a place to go. It sounds far more pleasant than trying to force peace with reluctant guests. As much as it is lovely to be with family for Thanksgiving, you'll have a greater opportunity to focus on gratitude and show your children what it means to be thankful if you go with option B. Perhaps it will also allow your extended family to see beyond themselves and look at the big picture a bit.

Your family members don't sound like they deserve to spend Thanksgiving with you. I'm sure the folks at the homeless shelter would appreciate you much more. Go spend it with them. Show your kids that Thanksgiving can TRULY be meaningful...NOT petty and childish.

i say this in jest but unfortunatlely it is probably true and isn't at all funny.

-- you know if you do this (cancel) then they will all have a reason to hate you, now.

but if you can ignore them and be happyit sounds like the best solution.

Sheesh. Your extended family can't handle itself well because of drama, and can't handle non-family either? Because there's been no history of drama yet and the agonizing wait on how the drama will unfold with this new person is more than they can bear? Good grief!
I would call them asap so they can make secondary plans in time, and cancel. Just say "You know, I'm so sorry but we've seriously bitten off more than we can chew, and we're just going to cancel the plans. We don't want to exclude anyone in the family, and at the same time it just seems like everyone is mad at someone and drama doesn't make anyone feel good or have fun, and that's not what we want for the holidays. We're going to go elsewhere for dinner. Hopefully next year we can all happily get together". But be warned: this will probably put you on a few people's list of grudges. I personally wouldn't care.
Every year, I get jealous that we don't have family and a little sad. And then every year good ol' mamapedia reminds me that I am SO HAPPY that my little family stays together instead. :) We're providing dinner to a couple families at their homes, and hosting a couple people who didn't have plans or family around at our home. I think your idea of Thanksgiving is much better, if your husband is on board.

No, do not invite people who don't want to be around each other over. Plus you have way too much on your plate. Why would you host Thanksgiving dinner if you are going to one already? That's a little crazy. Pick one thing, not three. Don't stress yourself out. Don't bust your butt cooking for ungrateful people.

Do your "dream" Thanksgiving.....I'm not doing the family thing this year, I'm going to a friend's home where I'm a honored guest and won't be a part of family drama! I did a Thanksgiving dinner this week for my mother...she will go to my sister's for Thanksgiving Day.....win...win!

Absolutely. Send out a mass email to ALL of them and say that because people in the family cannot get along, your family has decided to go to a homeless shelter and work. Tell them that you love them all but you are exhausted over all the bickering and you have decided for your children's sanity as well as your own, that this is the best thing.

Don't be snarky. Be brief. Don't answer any rude emails written back. And enjoy your charity event!

Good luck and stand strong dealing with the fall-out!
Dawn

Host dinner and who comes -comes. Who doesn't - doesn't. If they get out of hand, ask them to leave. Stop trying to make everyone happy. Especially people who don't want to be happy. You are dedicated too much time to this nonsense with your family. If dinner ends up being just you and your family - I think that would be just great!

If all any of them want to do is gripe at each other or about each other, then cancel the dinner. If they have already told you that they are not mature enough to behave as gracious guests in your home, then you are within your rights to tell them that they are not welcome under those circumstances.

I would just cancel it. It seems like they are all going to complain and have some akward moments anyway. I think you would have a better time if you just opened up your home to families who don't have anywhere else to go like you said. Sorry your family is such a bummer!

wow. well tricky situation. i don't know you and what your personality is but my decision would be an easy one, i'd send an email to everyone (emails visible) and say i would love to have everyone attend this dinner. it is a day to give our thanks. if you are able to attend and socialize with everyone please let me know, if not i hope to see you sometimes soon. make sure you get the responses and based on those responses either cancel or hold the dinner. there is no way in hell i would make my family go witness childish behavior from adults and if they refuse to be adults then to hell with all of them.

Okay, it seems like you do not have to do, all this.
You do not have to be the "neutral" one here.
Why don't the others take the lead too?

Then, you are all, attending an all nighter for a charity event. That is a lot on your plate.
Your Husband and kids, just want to have a good time.
So, THAT is the priority here.
Not being the ONLY people pleaser, in the entire antagonistic family.
You either take on that "role" or not.
Your choice.
And your HUSBAND can take it on too. Not only you. Or just him deal with his family.

Personally: well things are not real peachy in my family. We typically all go to my cousin's house for Thanksgiving. BUT this year.... because of all the pain in the rear problems, in my family, we are not going. We (me/Husband and our 2 kids) will be doing our own thing.
I spoke with my cousin personally (she is a real great gal) and I told her graciously, that we will not be attending this year. She got the drift, she knows my family (namely my Mom and siblings) is difficult, and she could fill in the blank lines herself. But she said that if we change our plans, we can still go to her house. She was real gracious.

So anyway we are not going the "family" gathering this year.
And, also because, my Husband... puts up with a LOT of irks, with my family, and it is hard for him. So, as his Wife and per my own wishes too... we will be doing our own thing. ONLY us, me/Hubby and my 2 kids. We talked with our kids about it, and they have no problem with it. They are 6 and 10 years old.

Personally, if I were You: I would NOT do this nor host a meal for all of them. And since your extended family... is so.... ill behaved and full of bad attitudes... even if you host this gathering... there WILL be problems and since you are the Host, you will probably, be "blamed" for anything that happens.

The bottom line is: you will be blamed if you don't Host. And you will be blamed if you do Host. So just do what YOU and your Hubby and kids want. With your own family.
You cannot please... those antagonistic extended family, of yours.
They will never be, pleased.
Those are their problems.

Just tell them ahead of time, you will not be hosting anything.
Don't inform them at the last minute. It is next week, already.

i have a bigass dinner here and anyone who wants to come is welcome. if anyone doesn't want to see someone else or has whatever BS issue, they're equally welcome to stay away.
do exactly what you (and your awesome supportive family) want to do and let the rest figure out their own damn turkey.
khairete
S.

You've already identified your dream Thanksgiving, and your own household agrees with you. Follow your dream this year and let the human turkeys in your extended family figure out their own plans. Why would you host a dinner for a group of people whose unacceptable behavior makes you thankful when it's over? It sounds like you've already done your time as hostess for this contentious group.

I'd suggest politely announcing that because of your involvement in your demanding post-Thanksgiving charity work, you will be unable to host this year. Do it today, so that the rest of the pack will have time to make their own plans. And expect some push-back - you've been making it easy for them to have a Thanksgiving gathering without having to behave themselves. Don't cave in or give further reasons. Just reiterate your charity commitment and let them know that it needs to be someone else's turn. Time to gracefully and completely bow out and enjoy Thanksgiving instead of dreading it.

My Thanksgiving dinner is for who live with me in my house. I love all other family members but I do not want to wait on them , then clean up after them because they do not move from thier chairs. I have done many dinners with all invited and I did not relax or enjoy it. I deserve to enjoy Thanksgiving also. So now its just us, it has been for 3 years now and I love it! I have to say my kids and husband love it so much better now. My mom lives with me and she can just enjoy the day with our stressing at all. My kids help cook and clean too!!
I still get calls from family who is asking to come and eat. I just tell them the big dinners are over. But we will be happy to come to your house for a wonderful dinner? I heard silence...lol.
Happy Thanksgiving !

I would cancel the family thing. I would postpone my thanksgiving dinner until Friday night. Not sure I would want to do an all nighter on a full belly of Turkey.

Our family would probably do breakfast for Thanksgiving dinner, do the all nighter, nap, and THEN do some type of turkey dinner on Friday or even Saturday.

I agree with the no guest policy for holiday dinners. Holiday dinners are for extended family--friends can come over later in the evening after G., aunts and siblings leave.

Your family cannot get better if non-relatives are there putting in their 2 cents.

Good luck