Seeking Advice on Teen Dating Issues

I don't have teenage children yet but I can remember being a teenage which I feel is important in trying to relate to a teenager. I have to say that giving him the boundary of not dating until he is 18 isn't ideal and will only cause him to rebel. The biggest thing is to talk to him about sex and having respect for himself and girls. No matter what you tell him he can't do...he is going to do what he wants because he's a teenager. The best parenting in the world isn't going to keep him from being a teen. There has to be a mutual understanding that you can accept and he will respect. Clearly he is only 15 and can't drive so you have the upper hand on his dating because you can allow him to date and still be a part of it. At 18 he can drive and do whatever he wants and without any experiece he could end up in a bad situation that could potentially ruin his life. I feel that at this point you can embrace his desire for a relationship and be a part of it but once he's 18 it's all up to him being without experience. When I look back at my teens it was all about my parents talking to me about sex and being prepared for it emotionally...I can't say that I didn't have sex at 16 but I was always careful and used condoms and made sure that it was something I wanted to do for the right reasons. I still got hurt but I knew that could happen and I don't regret any of my choices because I was taught by my parents what to expect when sex enters the picture. We all wish our children wouldn't have sex until they were 18 and that experience would lead to marriage and a family...but teens are teens. I feel that it's best to equip them for life by talking to them and not disregarding their thoughts or feelings but giving them the tools they will need to through their teens. Good luck.

I have an 18 year old son, and let me tell you that 18 is NOT the magic number. Every child is at a different maturity level and it can not be measures by age. So....I've found that as long as you frequently instill good values there is nothing more you can do. Restricting a teen can backfire on you and can make a relationship between a parent and child miserable. You want him to trust you and come to you for anything, so please be open and discuss the outcomes of certain behaviors. And if needed, you MUST teach him about sex and protection, or have him babysit! He He! It is hard to accept that our teens are having sex, so it's best to teach them to protect themselves against STDs and pregnancy. Because if they want to do it, they will....times are definitely different now. Good Luck.

dating is a tricky situation these days. today's teenager's ideas about relationships and more importantly sex are generally pretty different than what most of us believed when we were teens. i can't tell you what you should do but i can tell you my story. i went to the same high school my father taught at. gets better... he was also the head football coach, the winningest coach in the history of the school (smaller nor cal town). gets better... i and everyone in my grade had him for sex ed! needless to say i had NO opportunity to date in high school. and i was very resentful of it. when i went away to college and had some freedom, i made some bad choices in relationships. i think if i had had the opportunity to date in high school i probably wouldn't have made those bad choices, i would have been more knowledgable about relationships. i think before you make your decision you should sit down and talk to your son and ask him what it means to him to date. what does a date consist of? what are his views on physical intimacy? then let him know what you think is appropriate and why. kids need to be heard and need to understand why we set the limits we do. good luck!

Your rules are your rules and need to be enforced no matter how bad you think he'll rebel.

That said, it sounds like you are questioning your rules on this matter. You admit that your views are more conservative than our world today and It much be hard with a huge age difference between you and your son (and the baby, whew) so maybe you can take the time to view the way our culture is today with dating.

Maybe you can find an alternative for him, it is not uncommon for kids to to "group-dating" where they get together with all their friends. It is true that he will probably try to do it wether you allow him to or not, but if you do allow and set some ground-rules, you can at least better monitor the dates.

I would suggest you allow group dates and only supervised time. why not invite her over to your house so you can meet her? Why not meet her parents? I'll bet they have as much reservations as you do.

You say he will meet her at the beach this break, but that leads me to think you don't have much control over him if you think it's so easy fr him to go against your wishes. That might be something to look into.

If you give in just because you're afraid he'll rebel, you are teaching him he can do the same about anything.
The best way to go about it is to teach him the right way to behave. I'm sure you're ok with im hanging out with her, but you're afraid he'll get her pregnant, right? Well teach him respect for girls and it's probably time you teach him responsibility in sex as well. He's learning it somewhere, but it's important he feels like he can come to you with relationship problems.
If it's going to happen, make sure it happens right.

You are the parent, but I think asking kids to wait until they're 18 to date is unreasonable. My parents were strict, but they trusted me and let me date once I turned 15 and it was never an issue- I didn't date much anyway, and never had sex (until much later) or did anything else that I shouldn't have. On the other hand, everyone I knew who had parents with super strict rules on dating either snuck out and did it anyway or, once they turned 18, went all crazy and ended up either pregnant or with a bad reputation. I think that if you trust your son and you know you have raised him to make good decisions and to respect women and if you have talked about sex (which of course you should) then you shouldn't worry- instead you should have very strict guidelines about what he can do, where he can go, etc, and insist on meeting the girl. You're at a point where your son is really close to being grown up- it's better that he gets some relationship practice now, under your watchful guidance, than later.

Hi S.,
I think there can be a meeting in the middle somewhere for you and your son. Often young people prefer to meet in public places with a group of friends anyway so there is not *much* opportunity to do anything inappropriate. The beach or the mall sounds like very typical places for young people to hang out.
I think you have been a good mom and have made yourself very clear to him. He is probably a very fine young man. Perhaps a little trust with him now will go a long way. Remind him of who he is: a fine young man with manners and respect for girls. I think that if you can give in just a little bit, you will reap the rewards-he will trust you, tell you his plans, hopes, dreams, etc and know that you won't freak out.

Maybe you can speak to the parents of the girl. Get to know her. Ask your son to invite her for dinner. All of those things will help foster a positive relationship with your son.

Remember: you have done a good job! Trust the job you did in raising your wonderful young man. Let him put into action the lessons you have taught him.

This too shall pass,
E.

I am a 39-year-old mother of 3, a 19-year-old daughter, 13-year-old son, and 11-year-old daughter. Teenage years can be difficult for both the child and the parent. I believe when our children become teenagers, we the parents have to become parents/guides. We are to always parent and should always teach right, wrong, and how to make good decisions. But teenagers are going to utimatley do what they choose. I've found when I just listen to my two older children and give them advise, they make better decisions. I'm learning to trust that I've/I'm raising them well and to allow them to show that. I can't stop my son or daughter from having feels for someone but I can guide them and teach them how to respond to those feeling. What I teach them about relationships and feelings now, they will carry into marriage. I can't just expect them to know how to date and deal with relationships when them become young adults. When I learned not to just dictate to my 19-year-old and just listen. I saw that her feelsing were natural and that she wanted what was right and best. She needed advice and I rathered she get it from me than her friends who were porbably misleading. She comes to me more for advice and I always tell her what I believe is right, my views on why she should save herself for her husband, how a guy should treat her and how she should treat others. She does what she wants to do but she is better equipped with good advice to make those decisions.

Hi S.: I must say, that I agree with Brandis. You shouldn't have any concerns about his morals or his making practical decisions,if you've educated him.S. ,kids are not as imature as the last generation,or the one before that.Each generation,our children seem to progress. They are sharper,and believe it or not, they care alot about (Morals) and their future. They are far more aware than we ever were about sexually contacted diseases such as(Aids)and the concequences. You sound like a mother,that has been dealing with a teen whos been in trouble. That is the only reason,I could imagine you (mistrusting him) He is not a child any longer. Hes a young man. He needs to know, that you believe in him and his choices.The mere fact, that he has shared his feelings to you about this girl, tells me that you and your son have an open relationship. He's not afraid of being honest with you.If you don't give him a little room to grow,and allow him to show you how you have influenced his life, thus far,then you take the chance of losing the closeness you both share. You need to let him know, that your glad to see him happy,and that you look forward to meeting his friend. There is nothing wrong with setting up some guidelines. Hour to be home,or tell him, that (you don't feel comfortable) having the two of them hang out at the house,alone,so to make plans to go somewhere.: ) or wait till you get off work. Mom,,,, this is just his (first girlfriend. Hes not thinking marriage...He just enjoys her company. The best of luck to you and your son S.

You know your son better than we do but if you don't think that he will do the right things with this girl then you have to make that clear to him. Have you called or talked to the girls parents. Have you discussed these issues your haveing with your son and the girl? I think that if you don't trust them being in a realationship then don't allow him.

It is really about communication. He needs to understand the consequences of his actions. I would recommend having him "practice" dating on you. That way you can teach him how a woman should be treated. There are enough men out there who mistreat us women. Also, have your husband talk to your son frequently. There is a point where parents turn in to role models and he's at that point. No matter how much he might resist. However, to tell him no when his friends are all out together isn't fair unless he has proven to you that he can't handle it. How about the idea of group dates? If they are around others and in public they are less likely to get into THAT kind of trouble!

Dear S.,
When our 17 year old daughter wanted to start dating two years ago, we had some of the same fears. We did not allow her to date until we had the young man over for dinner so that we had established a personal relationship with him. For their first date, it was double dating situation with my daughter's best friend. We met the boy's parents when he came to pick her up and were able to spend 15-20 minutes chatting. We, too, have raised our daughter to be a responsible young lady. But unlike a previous writer although their knowledge base may be more informed than our generation, the feelings, instincts and desires are as old as man himself and even the most mature child can make a mistake. The wisest thing a parent can do is be involved as much as possible. In the end, the young man loved coming to our home so they had a chaperone much of the time. The relationship ended but my daughter learned alot about dating and what she was looking for in a relationship.