My husband has a major problem controlling his temper and does not even see that it effects his children and everyone else around him when he blows. My son must have inherited this behavior because he has been removed from schools because he hits when he does not like what someone says to him or the way someone looks at him. He throws tandrums also. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what triggers my son, and now I just think it is in his blood. How do you fight that?
When my husband has his "adult" trandrums, he does not care who is around. My aunt came over to see our new house the other day, and he was cursing and shouting at the top of his lungs because he was mad at me. She immiediately left. Some of it is the fact that he is envious of the family support system that I have but he should understand that he can be part of that family structure if he stops the ranting. We just moved into a new neighborhood, and I don't want him alienating my son by his behavior, meaning non of the other parents will allow their children to play with him because of my husband. He will go to therapy but only because I want him to, not because he feels he has a problem. This would do no good in my opinion because he must first admit he has a problem with his temper. I have known him since 1999, and at times he gets better but there has been too much backsliding. I am very close to getting me and my children out of this situation. He has had these "adult" tandrums 3 times in front of my mom while she was doing us a favor and keeping the kids. She has now said she will not come stay the night any longer. She says if she needs to keep the kids, she will keep them at her house. He has never hit me nor do I feel threatened that he would but I can't put up with the disrespect. I have never disrespected any of his relatives or his mother by doing something like this and he has done things to anger me. I don't understand why he would do this when things are going so well for us right now.
His mother has told me about some of the things he did as a child and some of them are the same things my son does. At the same time, she always backs him and will not tell him that his behavior is wrong.
Give me whatever advice you have.
get a nanny-cam. Then when he's calm show him how he is behaving. He will probably be pissed about the video but if you explain that you are desperate to save your marraige he will hopefully understand.
As for your son. This is not "in his blood" he has learned these behaviours by watching dad. At this point it sounds like your entire family needs cousling.
Most important thing you need to know: Your son has NOT INHERITED the anger from your husband, he has LEARNED IT.
Your husband's behavior is damaging your children and stepchild. This is one of the rare cases where you should read your husband the riot act and tell him if he does not stop you will leave. And then do it.
p.s. - Allison's idea about the nanny cam is a good one. Often when people see how ugly their behavior actually is they are more willing to change it. (I know I don't want anyone putting a nanny cam on ME, I might have to change some of MY behavior. Ah, ignorance is bliss.) :)
Dear S.,
SOME THINGS TO PONDER AND QUESTIONS TO ANSWER:
What were you like before you meet your husband?
Do you ever ask yourself, Where is S.?
Is the son who acts just like your husband the 10 year old?
Where is your husband's first wife/mother of the 10 year old and is she in the picture?
Are your younger boys following the pattern of not being able to control their tempers?
If you left would you be taking all three boys? (If your husband can't control his temper, the courts can stipulate that all visits must be supervised).
You have a new house and things are good as far as material things are concerned...BUT:
How do you feel during the holidays or before a family event?
How does it feel knowing your mother doesn't want to come to your home because of your husband’s behavior?
Does your stomach begin to churn just at the thought of not knowing when your husband will BLOW? (You know it will happen, you just don't know when).
Are you staying in your marriage for love or the comfort of material things?
I believe the most important thing to remember is that children are a product of their environment. Your sons see that their father gets his way by displaying violent behavior, screaming and using vulgar language around anyone. There is no respect for you, your family, friends or strangers.
If you separate and your husband wants to see his children, the courts will probably order him to attend both parenting and anger management classes. This may be the best solution to get him to see the light. It will take time because his behavior has been tolerated all his life. Tolerated by his family, his first wife, and YOU!
If he is willing to seek counseling as a family and has a sincere desire to change--all the better. Either way it is time for a better life for S. and her family.
I'd say therapy for sure. And since your are thinking of leaving, you may want to join him. Then you can have the conversations, with a therapist, how it is affecting you and your kids.
And just something else to chew on...if you feel safe, you may want to do everything you possibly can to make this work. If you really feel that your environment is safe, because I would never suggest staying with someone who is dangerous, then try your best to work it out. Right now you can observe and be there for your kids 100% of the time. If you leave him, those kids will be with him 50% of the time (or less) and it will be totally out of your control. He may still have his anger problem and now you aren't even under the same roof to do damage control.
Go to a therapist with him. He doesn't need to admit he has a problem for a therapist to help him understand how this affecting his family.
Good luck.
S.,
I suggest that he go to Anger Management classes,couples counseling, and family counseling so that your son can get help too. Nip it in the bud before its too late. If you don't your son will grow up and mirror everything your husband does. If he's not willing, take your son for individual counseling. I think that it would help tremendously. Best of luck to you and your family!
Molly
My husband has similar problems, but not to such an extreme degree. I agree with some of the other answers that therapy is a good idea. Start with yourself and involve him when you feel ready. Here is another idea: treat your husband's tantrums the way you treat your son's. Give him a time out.
I know you can't send your husband to his room. However, you can sit down with him and tell him that his outbursts are really upsetting you and providing a very bad example for the children. Tell him that when he loses it the next time, you will take the kids and leave the house until he's calmed down. Emphasize that you won't be leaving permanently, that you love him and want to be with him and that you want him to call you as soon as he feels better. When it happens, be as calm as you can, and take the kids out for an ice cream and tell them what you are doing and why. If he doesn't call for a while, leave the kids with a friend or relative and go check on him.
This is an option only if you truly feel physically safe with your husband. If he's too out of control then it will escalate matters. It does make clear to all parties though that temper tantrums aren't acceptable. The kids begin to see that yelling isn't OK and that they don't have to live with it in order to have a father. It protects them and that should be a high priority.
You posted this a long time ago and hopefully things have gotten better but I still thought I'd write. Typically it's the man who has temper issues but in my house, it's me. My mother has a quick, sharp temper too and I do hear her voice in my head sometimes when I get angry. So it is learned to a degree but I also think it's just personality. Not that you should let it go but it may help to tell him you understand that sometimes he feels like he just can't help it. I do. I just get SO angry and while I'm controlling it better, I think it's something inside me. My best friend is kind of the same way. Maybe you've already done this but ask how you can help him. Ask when he's having a tantrum if there's anything he can think of to help. I try screaming in a pillow etc but it only helps so much. What does make it worse is knowing I'm being judged and at the moment, hated by my husband. I'm typically a pretty good mom etc and I don't mistreat my kids so much as sometimes lose it w/ my husband. I've told him at times it would help for him to be extra kind vs fighting back like he always does. So just some thoughts. Likely your husband does feel guilty deep down.
Dear S.,
Ibeleve thearapy even if he is doing it for you they can help they will also include you on the things that happen. Therapy also for your son would be good. It sounds like he is emulating his father. My huband had these issues as a child and went to therapy. He still semi blows when he does not get his way and cannot express why he is angry and can not control a situation. Feel free to contact
____@____.com
Sincerely, C.
Married 14yrs. 3 boys, work love life and choose to make each day it's best
Hi,
Therapy is a great start to helping your husband, thank goodness he's willing to go even if it's for you. I hope it'll work out for him, you, and the kids. I'm also wondering if it could be a medical issue where medication could help, it's worth checking into. Wishing you the best.
I am afraid for you and your boys just reading what you wrote and I'm sure that your words cannot completely portray how this man behaves. With a temper at the level... it's only time before it escalates. Woman after woman has said... Oh I know he'll never hit me...unfortunately... they weren't just hit, but beaten to death. I'm not trying to sound morbid or scare you, but I know what it's like to live with a man who yells all the time. I know what it's like as a child to be ripped from your bed and thrown on the floor because I didn't clean something up... I know what it's like to get in the car at 1am and head to a hotel because my grandparents ( I was raised by them) got into ANOTHER fight and my granny had to leave. It's not fair to the child. It's not fair to you.
I would give it some SERIOUS thought to AT LEAST getting family counseling on top of his counseling, if not separating from him until he realizes what he is doing. The other people are right, your son is LEARNING that behavior. One school of thought in child development in the Tabula Rasa model by John Locke, which says that the child is born a blank slate... just something to ponder... what is your husband writing on your child's slate EVERY time he blows up?
