Seeking Advice on How to Feel Better and Get My Life on Track

Updated on October 01, 2007
A.R. asks from High Ridge, MO
11 answers

I am a SAHM. I have one daughter who just turned 2 and I am pregnant with another little girl, due in November. My husband has clearly showed me that he will not stick up for me when it comes to his sisters. One of them called me and talked to me like I wouldn't talk to my dog. I've never been talked to like this in my life! He said he will not lose his sister. My family is not close and he said he will not be like me. We have many other issues, including, but not limited to the fact that he is a supervisor at UPS and works 12-15 hr days. My daughter and I see him an hour a night if that. He says he has too much stress to deal with at work and with money and he is not going to talk to me. I don't know what to do. I don't want my daughters to think that marriage is supposed to be like this. I have no money. He does all the bills. How do I save for a lawyer? Do I just tell him we're done and hope he files for divorce. I am so depressed and sick over this. I haven't eaten all day and I haven't slept for over 24 hrs. This is not the first time something like this has happened. He also wants a boy and says it will be the end of us if I have my tubes tied after my delivery. I have terrible pregnancies and we supposedly don't have enough money to even buy my toddler a bed. How could we afford another child?! He says he doesn't care what I want. It means everything to him to keep trying for a boy. He is the only boy in his family, and the youngest of 3 girls. It's his way or the highway. No compromising, EVER. I want to talk to someone who understands. I feel like I am so alone.

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B.W.

answers from Springfield on

Sweetheart, I've been praying for you. Hang in there. Remember you are pregnant and hormones do terrible things to us sometimes. Having a 2 year old is difficult, too, and your husband's job sounds like it really stinks. I know things are awful in your marriage right now, but I would hang in there for the kids sakes. Things may get better after the baby comes. You say you have terrible pregnancies, and this could easily explain what is going on with you right now. You can't change your husband's behavior, no matter how hard you try. You can only change yours and hope he responds. This will probably sound crazy to you, but try reading Dr. Laura's "Proper care and feeding of husbands." I know it sounds old fashioned and sexist, but it really does help understand how men think. Your poor guy works long hours and has a lot on his shoulders. Maybe there's something about having a 2 year old, because I felt like bailing out of my marriage when my son was 2. Now he is 18 and I have two other beautiful teenagers and I've been married 22 years. Sometimes you just have to hang in there through the awful times. Marriage seems to be like a roller coaster ride through life. At least you are able to be home with your little ones and that means so much. Try to find a women's group to join, something at a church, or a playgroup for your daughter where you can meet other moms to talk to. Being isolated at home is bad. I made that mistake. I know how hard it is to get out with a little one, but it really is what you need. You may want to see your doctor, too, since you are having trouble sleeping and eating. Perhaps your doctor could help. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you.
B.

1 mom found this helpful
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C.B.

answers from Peoria on

Please re-read your own request ,what would you tell someone if you read this about someone else?
If there is anyone on on this thread that is a lawyer or who knows one you need to get ahold of this women!She so needs to find someone who will treat her like she is loved and not a baby factory!!I wish you the best of luck and start to save money in anyway you can trust me he is making really good money!!!Just have to be smarter than him and turn the tables!Have a garage sale ,sell items on ebay ,any talents you can sell to make money,collect cans,what ever it takes honey and get out know!!!!!

kb

A.R.

answers from St. Louis on

A.,

I am very sorry about what you are going through; It must be very painful, frustrating and confusing to be dealing with it at this moment of your life where you should be getting the best thing from your loved ones, specially from your husband.
But, let me tell you what I think, I will be very honest with you. At this point, it is hard to change things overnight so, first of all you need to find a moment for yourself to rest and find peace so your baby girl comes to this world in peace and healthy. Do you have a good friend? any relatives who care about you??? may be your family is not as close at his, but they may want to help you in hard times....If not, try to go to the church and just sit down and relax, go to the park with your little girl. If you can count on someone you trust, leave your daughter with her and do what I tell you. Think. About what? About that your are a WONDERFUL, SMART AND CAPABLE WOMAN AND MOTHER and you can do ANYTHING for yourself and your daughters. Start saving some money like one of the other moms told you with the debit card or something. Do you get any cash from him for your personal stuff??? I hope you do because you may want to save from there. I cannot tell you that you should divorce him or not. It is your decision, but do not let yourself make a decision based on a poor image of you. Again..you are capable, very capable of live on your own as soon as you have the baby. It may be hard, very hard but doable. Or, if you rather to stay with him just find after the delivery and recovery, something to earn some money (handcraft, selling Avon, selling baby clothes, working at some store.....whatever helps you to make money!)
Show him that you are a valuable human being and that you don't depend on him; dress nicely; be strong and secure; do not complain until you get the goal you choose because a man like that will never change. Part of the problem is yourself, sometimes people get hurt because they let others to hurt them and is very hard to leave that nasty circle. I am sorry, but it is true. The same happened to a very good friend of mine, and she chose the first option. She started to be independent with 4 kids, which was very difficult and finally with lots and lots of efforts reached the goal she chose. It was painful, but she did it and today she tells me that she is happy and in peace with her 4 kids. She got a pretty house and she works for a store like manager.
I agree that marriage has its ups and downs. I have mine too like everybody else. I know that is something sacred and something to fight for..but there are limits. Yes there are. Nobody, I mean nobody has the right to treat you like you do not deserve it. You deserve the better and mostly from your husband. I am not being feminist, not at all. I am talking H. about respect and love and support between two people who got married and make a compromise. I am not feminist, I am the kind of woman who help her husband to prepare his suitcase when he travels and open the bed cover and put the pajamas on the pillow for him every night, I am the kind of woman who covers his husband's feet when he falls asleep on the sofa..but also I am the kind of woman whose husband knows that she is capable and smart and lovable and he likes to stand for. Again, we have our hard moments and difficult times and differences, but marriage is for TWO, for TWO EQUAL PERSONS and they should treat each other like they want to be treated themselves.

A big hug...you can do it, be patient because as I said, nothing can be changed overnight. Start from the beginning, the priority and the doable.
Alejandra

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H.H.

answers from Champaign on

Depending on how long this has been going on I think it's time you gave him an ultimatum. This is not a healthy situation for you or your children. Look into a women's shelter if you are ready to leave. There are probably pro-bono lawyers that will help with divorce proceedings. Do you have friends or relatives that you could stay with? Your husband should never treat as less than his equal and he should never allow anyone, especially family, to treat you poorly. If your body and mind are not prepared for another pregnancy, than you absolutely should not get pregnant. Stand up for yourself, even if no one is supporting you, you and your children deserve to be treated lovingly and respectfully. Show your daughters that they do not have stay in a relationship that is unhealthy and unsafe for ANY reason. Good luck.

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S.F.

answers from St. Louis on

do you go to church? if yes, talk to your pastor. If not, call your local family services or look in the blue pages (goverment pages) and there should be women's services in there. You can also call the United Way and ask if there are any services to help you. Call your family for help even if there are far away. Tell whomever you talk to EXACTLY what's going on and that you need help getting away from him. He is abusing you and you DO NOT deserve it. Get out of there as soon as you can! You'll be in my prayers! S.

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A.L.

answers from St. Louis on

I think you need to find a way out of this marriage. He sounds like a complete control freak and you are not allowed to have your own opinions or feelings. My sister was married to the same kind of guy and found a way out. Check into the local shelters in your area. (If you are in the Lincoln County, MO area, the Robertson center is designed for women in this type of situation) There are ways to get a divorce without it costing an arm and a leg. You need to think about the safety of yourself and your daughters. Not eating or sleeping is bad for the baby. Plus you definetly don't want them to think this is what normal is. Work and/or stress is no excuse for the things he says to you. Good luck and I will be praying for you.

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E.T.

answers from Columbia on

You need to figure out a way to be more independent of your husband financially and you need to stand up to him. He'll either leave on his own or he'll hit you either way you'll know how to proceed from there. The main point is you need to take action if you expect any change. Protect yourself and your children first and foremost. Try to play nice with him, get the kids out of the house and then let him have it. You give him an ultimatum and you make it your way or the highway. Bottom line is, he may be your husband, you may love him and not want a divorce, but ultimately your only hurting yourself and your girls. If he won't compromise and communicate then you should really ask yourself why you love him and do you love him for the right reasons.

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R.

answers from Columbia on

A.,

I feel like everyone is telling you to leave. But they made that assumption off of a small paragraph you wrote! Before you decide to leave, you have to at least try and make it work. This is a marriage and you did make a lifetime commitment (I'm not saying divorce is wrong, I'm saying don't jump too quickly into leaving. Try to work things out first.)

You have probably already had many serious talks, fights, and arguments with your husband already. What might help is if instead of having another "nice" conversation or one in which you "nag and complain," have a SERIOUS one where you LAY DOWN THE LAW. This is what you need and want and he needs to accomodate you or else your marriage will become strained. Be cold and firm about what you want. Make it clear that this is what you NEED for your marriage to work, and you are not afraid to leave him if he doesn't accomodate. (By continuing your talks and arguments, he has no incentive to change. Sometimes illustrating the possibility of an end is an incentive.) He might not be taking you or your talks seriously because to him you're just complaining and nagging. You're not, you're SERIOUS.

If it becomes apparent that nothing you are trying is working, then it's time to think about leaving. Before you leave your husband, YOU MUST HAVE A PLAN. It might even be wise to start a plan now. The earlier you have a plan, the better and quicker prepared you will be if it is time to leave.

Your plan should include, where you'll go, where you'll stay temporarily, money, job, childcare, how to take care of your daughters, roommate, supporters, etc. Start exerting some independence from your husband so that you are also better prepared to be alone again.

Also, be careful who you talk to about your marriage problems. Things you tell in confidence to close family and friends may get back to the wrong people, like your husband or his family. Be careful who you speak with.

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C.L.

answers from St. Louis on

Let me start by saying I have no idea in heck how he can stand before you and say there is no money. My cousin works for UPS and is a supervisor too, and let me tell you, she does quite well. She has a house that is worth way more hen mine and travels alot. I think your husband just might be trying to keep you down and in control. My ex was like that, and it took me a long time before I realized I didn't have to do everything his was, and I could do it on my own. Just because he says so doesn't make it correct. I'd try a counselor 1st, and also just start putting any spare change away. If you do the grocery shopping, when you check out with the debit card, get $20 back and start stashing it. It will come out of your bank account just like it was all groceries. i thank my lawyer for that little tidbit.

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E.E.

answers from Peoria on

The most important thing is that you are teaching your girls what it is to be a woman, and what a woman is to expect of a husband. This isn't it lady. I'm sorry, I can imagine how much you wanted it to work but boys like this are infuriating. I wish for them all to know that they have nipples because they started out as female, and that they are the only ones that determine the sex of their children.

You teach people how to treat you, and he feels his definition of a man is to be controlling, away, and emotionally distant. All three of you deserve much better.

Either way, you cannot go a day without eating or sleeping. You've a baby to look out for. I'm sorry this is happening and wish you the very best.

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M.T.

answers from Decatur on

If what you are describing is true, then get out. And be very clear, this is not a marriage!!! Your marriage will show your girls what type of man to marry. They will end up with a controlling freak like you have. You deserve better than this and so do your girls!!! sO EITHER GO AHEAD WITH THE TUBES being TIED AND LET HIM KEEP HIS PROMISE THAT THIS WILL BE IT or secretly save money to get out. A couple of ways to do this is to get cash back at the stores you shop or buy something and then return it. Maybe you have friends and family who can temporarily help you out. Even if yo are the one to leave you can get temporary custody and child support from him while waiting on the divorce.

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