Seeking Advice on How to Ease Return to Full Time Work

Dear JS,
I feel for you! I have a daughter, now 3+, and a 14mo son. I returned to work when my daughter was 9mos.
At first it was fine, we had a fabulous nanny, I loved my job & coworkers. Then the nanny moved away. We tried flex time coordination with my husband. That was OK, but not great for career advancement for either of us. We tried a slew of nannies, none of which really worked (our daughter has special dietary needs). I worked until shortly before my sons birth, not realising how truly stressed and harried I was.
I returned to the office, son in tow, when he was a few weeks old. We flexed my daughter's care, juggling office time and work-at-home time. Most people probably thought we had it made.
It was an exhausting nightmare. I have been home for 8 months now. It was an adjustment, emotionally and financially.
Our generation, for the most part, has been raised to feel that our contribution to society and marriage is directly correlated to our education and salary. I am educated, made more than my husband, and felt "successful".
This is a sad plight, because we are truly trading the future for the present. I think people often convince themselves in to believe the opposite.
Your child will never be a newborn, infant, toddler, preschooler, kindergartener, teenager... again. Ever.
You will never regret the lost income spent on seeing your child's firsts. I would do it again even if I had to file bankruptcy.
I didn't think I had missed anything with our daughter, but when our son reached 9 months (age when I returned after daughter), I began to realise I had missed everything.
Listen to your heart. It is the hardest decision you will make. Remember, the hardest things you do in life are also the most rewarding.
The mechanics of how we did it go like this: we downsized to one vehicle. My husband rides his bike or takes the bus to work most days. We limit eating out. We eat less luxurious items. I don't buy any "snack" like food (cookies,crackers)- I make it all. I bought an espresso machine (nespresso, great stuff) and instead of going for coffee I stay in with my friends who are also trying to economize. We haven't gone on a vacation in more than a year, and our next one will probably be using a home exchange program so we won't have hotel expense. We got rid of a cell phone and lowered the minutes on current plan. We re-shopped for our insurance plans and found out we could shave $150 dollars between life, home, auto etc per month! I dont buy new clothes anymore. I can get one pair of summer shoes and one winter new, but my clothes are mostly second hand (find some friends who still work and get their cast-offs). My kids don't care what I look like (fortunately my husband never was and isn't looking for a trophy wife). I haven't been to the salon since I quit my job.
It is interesting that since I quit my job, my husband is much more dedicated to his job (he's always been a hard worker). He's also less stressed because I am less stressed. He is proud to be the sole provider, and while that hurts my feminist pride a bit, I am proud of him for pulling the weight. His boss has noticed, and he's up for promotion.

Educate yourself on what the benefits really are of returning to work. There are great online tools- cnnmoney.com, bankrate.com etc. Chances are that your income is adding to your expenses, not your income. There are some good online calculators that will tell you this!
This is really a long list, and I hope easy to read for you and others.
You may want to set a savings goal, say 3-6 months expenses, before you quit. You may decide to go part-time or find a job that lets you be part time.
Also, I was raised by a single father. I didn't realise what he did to raise me until I had my own children. He stayed home with me, working from home before companies even knew what that was. He gave up med school because of the rigorous schedule. He worked while I slept, and later, while I was in school. I learned a lot by "helping" him as soon as I could walk. I learned by seeing him handle parenthood and professionalism successfully. That is something I will always respect and appreciate.
I wish you luck and hope that you can follow your heart. Childhood is so brief! All you need to do is swing it for the first few years (closer your kids are in age, the shorter the time until they are in school). When they go back to school you'll have some more options. It will be here before you know it! Parenting is about making choices that are selfless for the good of the child. No one is perfect, and no one has a perfect childhood. We all can only do our best. Your children will know if you are doing your best, whether that is staying home, working part time, or full time.

Good Luck!!

Hi J S,
I don't have a lot of advice for transitioning back into work. As a father, I wasn't able to leave. But, I am now starting to work from home and will be able to do it FT soon. Have you looked into any work at home opportunities?
www.LivingOurDreams.org
M.

When my first was born, my mother watched her when I went to work. That helped A LOT! I understand that not everyone can do that. But also, what I did was I worked 4 days a week. It was 32 hours and not 40, but it gave me a break in the week (I was off on Wednesdays) to be at home with my daughter. I worked 2 days took a day off, then worked 2 more and had a weekend. Can you do something like that? That made the whole back to work thing more workable for me.

Going back to work is never easy, and definitely wasn't with the second. I plaster my desk with their pictures, think of them constantly, and call their care providers at least once a day. I probably drive them nuts. LOL.

There's not a whole lot of advice I can give except to embrace it. I talk about my kids, and look at their pictures often, and when I go home, I spend so much time with them to get my "fix" I am also lucky to have summers and all major holidays off.

If you can be a WAHM, go for it, and let me know what you do to stay home lol!

Good luck.

I was in the same situation. My daughter is now 3 and I am lucky that I am able to be home with her. She was 6 months when we moved and actually had to put her in daycare! The transition was very bad for both of us because she was only used to be taken care of by family only! So my husband and I sat down and came to a conclusion that I would stay home, but we would have to cut back on eating out, etc.... I have been at home with her now for about 3 years, and I have been watching other children to make a little extra cash! So my advice is that if you and your husband can finacially handle you being home, I promise that you will not regret it at all! If financially you can't do it, then I suggest you find a daycare that you and the baby feel comfortable with!! Good Luck!

Have you considered staying home with your baby or cutting back your work hours so you can care for her for the majority of the time? Just an idea. I totally planned on going back to work part-time, but once my son was born I just couldn't do it. I was nervous about strangers watching my child and I didn't want to miss out on anything, and once I calculated the hassle and stress of working outside the home and leaving my baby all day, not to mention the cost of childcare, I decided it wasn't worth it in my situation. Plus I wanted to be the greatest influence in his life and really nurture our bond (which in the end I think parents are whether or not they work, as long as we put a conscious effort into building that relationship). No one loves and care for a child like their parent. Sometimes I struggle with the desire to do something "important" but I realize that I am doing something extremely valuable, and I only have the next 5 years or so to devote myself full-time to caring for my young children before they are in school, and the whole rest of my life to make room for a career again.

We had to cut back financially, but I'm not sorry one bit and I'm sure my children much prefer having a loving parent take care of them as well. It has really worked for us. I know for some people that is not an option, but if there's any way you can, I would suggest considering it. "Things" don't bring happiness, but it's people and relationships that do. I absolutely love it and I feel like I am a very productive full-time mother, even though I don't work outside the home very often. My sister is going to continue working a few afternoons a week once her baby is born and I'm going to babysit her baby. I love being available for that, and I know she loves knowing her baby will be well cared for and loved and playing with cousins and aunt all day, while she gets to get out of the house and make some money and maintain her clientele. Do you have family or friends you trust that can babysit (for a fee)? Or maybe you can babysit for a fee if you want to stay home, but also want/need the money.

My husband's mom worked a TON and he was always in daycare (Please don't misconstrue this. I'm not saying that moms who work neglect their children) and of course he wasn't very fond of that. My mom stayed home with us, even though we had to live in a 2 bedroom trailer (6 member family) with no Air Conditioning in Arizona for her to do so, plus she babysat children. I have so many fond memories of my mother singing songs to us while swinging in the hammock, etc. So that helped me and my husband make our decision. He had originally encouraged me to continue working at least a few times a week (which isn't a bad idea) but after experiencing me as a SAHM he told me he was "so glad I don't have a stressball anymore for a wife!" I am much more content at home. I put forth a lot of conscious effort into parenting, our marriage, our health, being financially responsible, caring for our home, serving others, developing and improving myself, and so I feel very productive and not like I am stagnating whatsoever even though my professional life is put on hold while I do the most fulfilling work I can imagine.

I know as a first time and only time mom at the age of 38, I hated having to go back to work. But, like most, it takes two incomes in our house. My first week back was the hardest of all. However, I was fortunate enough to find a great at home daycare sitter. In doing so, she can only have 5 full time children. That meant to me that my daughter wouldn't be left out of the loop when she needed attention. My sitter also speaks spanish and talks to my daughter in spanish most of the day. She is 18 months old now and if you say something in spanish to her, she understands. It's really amazing. Then there are days when she throws a fit because she doesn't want to leave Susanna's. God gave me a precious gift and an even greater sitter. So take your time, do interviews, ask for references. If you pray, put it in God's hands. I did, and believe me, I couldn't have picked a better one if I tried.

Hello,
I daycared in my home until I felt comfortable with leaving my daughter with someone. The money wasn't to bad, we just cut back on lifes little extras...it was WELL WORTH THE PEACE OF MIND!! She is now 18 and it's awesome when she tells stories to her friends about when she was growing up and the memories she has and I am part of all of them!!! That's PRICELESS...
Good luck,
P.S if you do daycare, start out with 1-2 kids, don't overwhelm yourself and work your way up to a manageable number.