Seeking Advice on How to Discipline 1 Year Old..

I started putting my son on the crying chair and told him he could get up when he is finished. I also said that is not okay to throw a fit when told no. I would talk to him at the time of the fit and not afterwords though. This stopped my boy from throwing fits within a months time. He will still throw one occasionally, but then he gets reminded of what he has to do when he does and stops a lot quicker then before.

D.

The best advice I can give is to remain the parent. Do not give in when he has those tantrums or you will create an even bigger monster. My son was testing his independance from about that age until he was 4 (forget what they say about terrible 2s the 3s were the worst). You may not be able to punish with a time out but he will understand when he doesn't get his way by throwing a tantrum. Redirection is a good tactic for one year olds. When he is trowing a fit just remove him from what is causing the difficulty.

I hope this helps! They don't stay stinkers forever.

Tantrums are totaly normal at this age. He is testing his limits with you. He wants to see what you will do if he continues after he is told no. Each child is different but I have fornd this has worked with all 4 of my kids at this age. #1 saying NO then after the behavior continues remove them for the suituation. #2 if the tantrum starts put him in his crib and compleatly ignore the screaming crying ect. #3 when the tantrum winds down then go in and get him. After awhile of doing this they seem to realize that bad behavior makes mommy ignore them. Also remember to catch him doing good things like playing nicely with his toys. Praise him for it!! Make a big deal of it. He will soon catch on that he gets a reaction from you for being good, but nothing from you when he is naughty. Hope this helps.

Tantrums are normal. He is not trying to upset you, be defiant, be difficult. He is surrounded by a world he can't control and is trying to figure out how to maneuver through it. He has things to tell you that he can't yet say. He is leaving babyhood and entering toddlerhood, where he'll learn to assert himself. Use sign language with him. It will help him with his communication. Find someone qualified at
http://www.sign2me.com

One minute tantrums are fine. Just be sure he knows you are available for a hug and comfort whenever he is.

Hi M.,

I want to start by saying that your baby is completely NORMAL! :-) I am 37 years old and have 3 boys, 10, 8 and 4 years old and will be having #4 this weekend so I have some experience with BOYS! That said, may I make a suggestion? I found that when I was always saying "NO" to my kids, that they became immune to it. Imagine if you heard the same thing over and over all day every day? You would begin to tune it out! And trust me, I know how often you can say "NO" during the day when there's a busy little one getting into everything and having fits! I RARELY say no to this day. Here's what I mean: When one of my kids says, "Mom, can I have a popsicle?" -- and it's almost dinnertime, I won't just say "NO"...I'll say, "Yes, you may have one after dinner." Or, "Mom, can I get this?" - then I'll say, "Maybe another time" or "Yes, when you've earned the money we can come back and get that." There are a million ways to communicate without always saying "NO". With a baby/toddler, redirection is your best bet. If your child is doing something you don't want him to be doing, don't say "no no!" -- redirect him. Instead of pointing out what he shouldn't be doing, for example if he's throwing food or something while at the table, instead of saying "NO! Don't throw food!", you can say, "Let's keep our food on the table or in our mouth", and if he continues, just calmly put him down and excuse him from the table. If he's jumping on the couch instead of "No! Don't jump on the couch!", say, "You can sit or lay down on the couch, which one are you going to do?" Don't tell them what NOT to do, tell them what you want them to do. It's MUCH MORE effective than simply saying "NO". And the easiest way to nip tantrums in the bud is to completely ignore them. Literally walk away and don't say a word. You will see very quickly that when he doesn't get a reaction from you, there is no reason to continue the behavior. Even if you try and redirect him at that point, he is getting attention, and that's really all he wants. Don't give him anything, and he will stop....especially if you've left the room! I know this sounds crazy, but it worked with all three of my kids. And the best part is I didn't have little ones who screamed "no" at me all day long, and tantrums rarely occured, although they all seemed to get more challenging when they were about 3 years old. It takes practice, but from personal experience, I can promise it will make a huge difference. Good luck!

A.

You may have hit the nail on the head right at the end of your request - you are separated from his dad. I'm sure your son knows SOMETHING is wrong, and that can make kids act out. Make sure you and dad aren't letting the stress of your relationship situation be apparent to your child. You and dad need to be very dilligent about keeping your boy comfortable without overindulging him because of guilt. You're still the parents and you need to stay "in charge" of your home.

he is probaly reacting to the changes in his life with the separation. we dont think they know but they do. my son and his wife are also separating and i care for my grandson and saw the changes immediately. they say he doesnt know and is too young but he knows somethingis not right, with going to different homes or staying here a lot more than usual. he started screaming and throwing tantrums for no reason. kind oflike he was practicing, then he would stop and go on with what he was doing. i talked to the kids and i guess he witness a couple of screaming matches between them. so i have told them if they are getting mad to go outside and do their thing or call me to come get him before they start fighting. then he also started iginoring me and throwing tanturm when he didnt get his way. like when we went to the park and it was time to go home and he didnt want to. so what i do when he is throwing a tantrum is i just go pick him up and cuddle with him or say shhhhh and look him stright in the eye and whisper something so that he has to stop crying t hear what i have to say. that really works because he really wants to hear what i have to say, i might be offering a snack or something interesting. i think that by showing him a calm attitude and distracting him it works to calm him down. if he ignores me i just walk over and pick up whatever he is playing with orif he is getting into something that he is not supposed to i pick him up and move him away and tell him no he isnt supposed to touch that and distract him with something else that is more fun. he is also doing something different when i remove him form someplace, like he loves to touch the tv buttons and it messes up my husbands setting on the surround sound, i tell him no no and move him thenhe comesover for a kiss. or when i tell him no not to touch something he comes over for a kiss and goes back to what he was doing. learning how to charm already at 15 months. and just becasue mom and dad a are going through some hard times is no excuse not to discipline. because they learn to work it. dont feel guilty , he needs structure and love.

Hi M. -

I know it may seem like your son is overly sensitive and stubborn but rest assured, he is a perfectly normal 14 month old. What most parents don't realize and the doctors don't tell them is that until a child reaches the age of 5 or so, they do not understand "negative language". Children can not - not do something until they have done it first. They can only respond to what they know and when they are born, they don't know "NO". I know you said your son used to stop when you would say no - but most likely, he was responding to the sound of your voice and not the words you were saying. When a child starts understanding the mechanics of their environment, they start testing their boundries - or levels of control. They will try everything they have learned so far, which includes crying, whining, throwing themselves on the floor, anything that has gotten a reaction from you. This is how they define their behavior - what works and what doesn't. When an adult yells, the sound of the voice can be frightening to a child. If an adult yells alot, the child begins to assume that that is how people communicate. Start by sitting down with your son and explaining why his behavior doesn't work for you. Ask him questions about his feelings - like - What does it feel like inside when I do _________? Or what does it feel like inside when you do __________? Tell him - It feels like ____________ when you ______________.

These are just some examples of things that have worked for other parents I have worked with.

If I can be of further assistance, please let me know.

Blessings,

M. M. Ernsberger, HHP
Certified Life Coach
Certified Hypnotherapist
Certified Herbalist

What he's doing is age-appropriate and he WILL grow out of it....which dosn't mean that it's something that you should deal with LOL.

You mentioned that he's highly sensitive....in this case I recommend Raising Your Spirited Child, by M. Sheedy Kurcinka....it might help. FWIW, my 2 year old is almost exactly like yours....asserting his independence, testing boundries, NO!, keeps doing. I have had to physically re-direct him, if he throws a tantrum he gets "quiet time," i.e. he sits with me and chills for a while. Repeat repeat.

Dr. Kevin Leman is a great author, I agree with the others there. He has many helpful book out there. Tantrums are a HUGE attention grabber. If they get any reaction out of you, good or bad, the tanrum was affective. If you completely ignore it, sometimes this is harder than other times, it will stop. Good luck. You are NOT alone. Next time you see a mom at the store with a sceaming child say a little prayer for her patience. That's what I always do.

Love and Logic works just as it sounds: by always showing love and empathy during tough behavior times, and logically working through whatever problems they are having. It is a common-sense approach that teaches parents how to say "no" in a positive way that encourages the child to learn why that behavior is not right, instead of playing mind games - time out - or spanking. It works with all our 7, 11, and 14 kids, as well as I used to be a preschool teacher for 4 years, teaching 2 year olds... very effective. (also helps when dealing with difficult adults!). Try it, you'll like it. :)

Dont worry M. you are not alone at some point every child will do this. With my boys it helped to get right at eye level be very stern in your voice and place them in a spot for time out if they move put them back but you have to stand your ground and let them know you are in charge.

I also have a 15 month old boy who is generally good. He has his moments when he just does not listen. We have found time out to be really effective with him. When he is doing something that he shouldn't be doing, I say "Uh, oh. A little time out time." and then I take everything out of his crib and put him in there. I leave the room and leave him in there for 1-2 minutes. When time is up, I say "Are you ready to be a good boy?" Then I give him a hug, and let him play with whatever. Sometimes it takes 3-4 times before he realizes that he doesn't want to keep going in his crib with nothing to play with in there before he stops. Consistency is the key. This has had no adverse effects on him wanting to go to sleep, he still loves his crib.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

Hi M.,
Hm, does the opposite when you tell him "no," throws tantrums, very smart:

Normal.

My kid would be a championship tantrum-thrower, but my hubby and I agreed to use the trick of isolating the behavior. He starts to whine or act up, and he gets put away in a room and ignored until he stops. No yelling or anger, just a calm walk into another room. This tells him "this is NOT how we ask for attention in our home" without using any words.

Works for when he ignores the word "no" too, but you have to follow-through on the *first* no.

Today, we can put the breaks on a tantrum by just calmly saying, "Do you need to be alone?"

Good luck :)
T

Get "Love and Logic" the library should have the book or the tapes. works like a charm!

Since every child is different it is hard to know what will and won't work with your son but you could try removing him to a specified place where he will stay until he has control of his behavior. He should to be told in advance where and why he is beign placed there. You are to avoid talking to him or interacting in any way until his behavior changes. Try using words other then NO. Try positive wording such as "that is unsafe for you so I will take it and you may have this instead" It takes practice and more thinking on your part but it allows you time to find a different way to say no. good luck

Any Kevin Leman book will help (Parenting with Love and Logic is one of them. His latest, Have a New Kid by Friday is also quite good).

Yes, temper tantrums are normal at age one. The Leman books will tell you how to effectively deal with a tantrum, before your son begins to control you with them.

~D.

It does not sound like you have a more "difficult" child than normal. The separation from your husband may make new stress of your son's behavior seem like more than it is.
If you go to Amazon you can often see related books on gentle discipline (like Harvey Karp's book). I have found many good authors there. I do not recommend time outs at any age...or at least, they should not be the first thing a parent resorts to. (Probably one of the most over-used strategies of the late 20th and early 21st century).
I like a particular website...Connected Parenting. Then you don't have to run out and get another book. Good luck in your parenting adventure!