Seeking Advice on Ex-husband's Choices with Our Kids

As frustrating and worrisome as this all is for you, unless they kids are in a dangerous or illegal environment, you cannot control what goes on when the kids are at their dad's. I went through all this with my ex. You can talk to him from the standpoint of the kids' feelings and you can suggest that they speak up to him themselves about the scary movies etc. which they may not be willing to do, especially at this age. They probably have fun with him and, unless there are moral or danger issues, hopefully no long term damage is being done. What I did was not to go out of my way to get him to take them unless he called me himself. That reduced their contact. Sometimes I asked if the younger one could just stay with me and he said OK. They're all grown now and they realize his parenting skills were not that great but they all have a good relationship with him, and there is peace between him and me. Since you say you are a Christian, as I am, I suggest you pray over them, put them in God's hands when they are there, and try to keep a positive attitude. The smoke, what they eat and do over there, etc. may drive you nuts but aren't enough for the court to withhold visitation, and their loss of him would likely be more damaging anyway. Hang in there & God bless. G. B.

I have to agree with the last post. I don't think FOC will agree on it. I have legal and physical of my 2 girls. And WOW ur ex sounds like mine. lol Its the same situation. my girls are goin on 8 and 9. The only advice that i give myself is to teach my girls better. Its the same thing as the world around us. Its my job to keep them safe and thats why i teach them right from wrong. If I feel a movie is not safe because of how they would react I make them realize the right and wrong in the movie. When they go to their dads i can only hope that they make the right decision to get up and go into the other room and not watch the movie. Same thing with the smoking. My youngest daughter had come home where she could barely breath. I ended up taking her to the hospital that night and she had to do breathing treatment after breathing treatment. I have taught my girls how wrong it is to smoke. So now she tells her dad ewwwwwwww please don't smoke around me and she moves into the other room. I realize that the 41/2 year old is kinda small but they are smarter then u think. Plus the 8 year old is old enough to really know right from wrong and she could help guide the younger one. In various stages of a childs life u have different things to teach them. And really the only thing u can do is hope and pray they learn what they have be taught. GOOD LUCK and let us know what happens.

I've been divorced from my daughter's dad for 12 years and she's 13 years old. I've gone through the court system for 9 years with FOC and unless he's putting your girls in harms way, there's not a whole lot you can do. He is allowed visitation even if he's not paying support. He may not be using the best judgment, but it is his house. Unfortunately, you can't control what goes on in his house. My advice is to keep being civil/friendly toward him while expressing your concerns and telling him how much it upsets the girls when he allows these movies. I would totally turn the focus on how upsetting this is for the girls (not for you, since he may enjoy getting on your nerves). Hopefully, he'll understand.

MC

Laura,

I would be much more concerned with the smoke than the movies. Please ask your pediatrician about it as soon as possible. Maybe ask him for something written, not general info, but something from him personally. You should be able to use it as leverage, hopefully with your ex-husband, but probably with any mediation or court action in the future.

Good luck and don't give in. Your daughters' health is at stake.

L.

Dear Laura B.,

I would contact the court in the county where your husband lives and explain the situation about your ex-husband allowing your young kids to see inappropriate movies and ask for ideas on how to handle this situation. Then contact the court in the county you live in (if it is different) and ask the same questions. Pray about it and ask God which advice does He wish you to follow through with and go for that one. If you don't set boundaries now while they are young, there is no telling what he will allow as they get older. Perhaps in time he will only be allowed supervised visits at the courts discretion and then he CANNOT allow bad things to be in front of their eyes and where their ears will hear. You have to establish a boundary line and it will become apparent to a good judge in time that he is not a fit parent. But you have to be willing to not get a break from the kids as often, but it is well worth you giving up something to protect them from harm.
Ask God for ideas also. He is the master mind and He has the BEST ideas that fit every situation.

L. C., Zeeland, MI

I don't really have any good advice for you, but do feel badly about the situation you're in. I'm curious to hear if anyone will address the legal rights of this question. Legally, if you have joint custody I think you have to let the girls go with their father for visitation and while I agree watching PG-13 movies that cause nightmares is WRONG, I don't think it's substantial enough that the FOC or court would say it's "ok" for you not to send the girls with him. Again, I don't have any helpful advice for you, but I am curious to see what replies you receive.

Obviously you are doing a fabulous job raising your children and should be proud of that! Good luck with your phone call today.
M. M.

If you have legal custody of your girls, you have to take their best interests to heart. I understand that you don't want to hurt them by not allowing them to see their father, however, it sounds like they are not being taken care of like they should while they are over there. Also, talk to them about it and ask them how they feel when they are over there. Start documenting stuff in a journal just so you are prepared if there are any problems down the road, because you never know what will happen. Even if they are not allowed to go over to their fathers temporarily, it's better than never going over there at all. You have to do what is best for your children. Find out what that is at this moment.

As a Christian and as a mom your first priority is to the welfare of your kids. Your ex is clearly not mature. Don't do visitations. Look, if the authorities got wind of this, not only would dad be penalized, but you risk it yourself by allowing it. What do the divorce/ custody mandates say? Are you obligated to allow visits or not? I would not do it anymore as 1. pops doesn't seem to have any greater interest in his offspring, 2. it's not a healthy environment to allow your kids to be in, no matter how fair you want to be. He's immature in the extreme. So please accept it and bring your kids up in a healthy home. You've succeeded well so far.

#1 Let it go.

As a friend gently pointed out: no interesting people have ever lived to adulthood without something bad happening to them.

As critical and damaging and imbecilic as this appears to you (and I'll agree with you), when he's being the dad, he's the dad. He gets to make choices that will naturally and automatically be different from the ones you'll make. If you were living together still, that would still be true.

Trust your children to be intelligent enough to know where their real best interests lie, and believe that they can handle a lot more than you're giving them credit for. You will never agree with any co-parent what is on that list (what they can handle, I mean)..

#2 Behave 'as if' he died without insurance. Treat your girls' dad 'as if' he were someone else... a patron of the arts, an employer, or a wealthy uncle. Find some way to stop seeing him in the light of attached to your past, so you can cease thinking that you have ever had, or will ever have, any control over anything he thinks, says or does.

Raise your daughters well and with love... that way 'other' influences will be far less important than yours.

Hi Laura,
My first question is "Do the kids ask not to have to go with him?" If so, that can make it easier for you to decide what to do. I am a child of divorce and my mom never nade me go with my dad if I didn't want to. Thats really important. Bottom line, like you said, if he can't step up and be mature, you have to watch out for your kids and obviously thats what you're doing:)

much luck.

Laura, I am a product of a divorce and also have friends that have had unproductive relationships between their exs and children. My suggestion would be to keep the interests of the girls as your priority. If your ex is not capable of understanding or simply is not concerned about what they are doing/seeing while they are with him, then this would tell me that he is not making them a priority in his life. I know it is easier said than done but is it fair to subject the girls to his behavior if it isn't up to par? Keep this in mind when choosing your course of action.

Hi Laura,
It is not clear if your visitation arrangement is through the courts or not. If so, I would suggest setting up an appointment with a mediator to discuss your concerns. More than likely you can do nothing about controlling the movie or bedtime situation, however the smoking around them is another story.
If your visitation is not through the courts, perhaps you should pursue that avenue, as your ex clearly is not going to work with you in the mutual best interest of your children.

I've never been where you are and hope never to be. I'm sorry you've been put in this situation. Having said that, my first thought when I read your note was NOT to tell him that if they tell you one more thing, they won't get to come over. That sort of feels to me like putting them in the position of behavior cop of your ex. It's not their fault he's irresponsible. I wouldn't put that on them, they're shoulders are too little for that burden. I would just tell him flat out that you want them to see him, but if he can't respect what's appropriate for them, he can only see them on a limited basis at agreed upon times and locations. You might throw a "grow up" in there somewhere...but I'm afraid that would probably make it worse.

You could try picking out appropriate movies with the girls to take to their father's.

You really can't control what goes on in someone's house, but you can instill values in your children. I have the same situation when my daughter (9 yrs old) goes to visit my mom or attend sleepovers. She is not allowed to watch PG-13 movies, and she is well aware of this fact. And she will (and has since she was a very little girl, about the same age as your youngest) tell whomever she is with that she is not allowed to watch PG-13 movies. If they don't change the movie, she will find something else to do (play her Gameboy or read a book).

Send your girls with other activities like books and toys, and/or send along movies that you feel are appropriate for them to watch. Coach them on advising others that they are not allowed to watch PG-13 movies, and that if the move is not changed, to go find something else to do.