Seeking Advice on Daycare Tantrums

J.,
One of the things that I do when I drop my son off in the morning (and he pitches a fit EVERY morning), is that I put him done in the middle of some of the kids and then I sit down and talk to the other kids (I play a game with them in the morning, where they come over to me and shake my hand - simple but they love it). I ignore my own sons tantrums. My interaction with the other kids makes them not seem so scary to Mark. Then I walk to the door, blow kisses to all the kids and blow 2 kisses to Mark and leave.
In the afternoon, I do the same routine.
Hope this helps!
B.

Please take this with a grain of salt .....

I have 4 children, all under 10, and was formerly employed, before having my own children, at a early childhood learning center working with toddlers - 18 months to 3 yrs. There is nothing wrong with your little boy and it is irresponsible of his "teachers" to suggest that.

It sounds like he is just not ready to be away from you. Since you just moved, he may need you more than ever. He sounds like a very sensitive child. My 3 are definitely on the sensitive side so I can relate. You cannot force a child to do something he is not ready for.

I would suggest pulling him out, if possible, and waiting 6 months.

Hope this heps!

R.

J.,

My sister's little boy had always stayed home or with his granny until he was 3 yrs old & then started daycare 2 days a week. He cried the whole time when she was dropping him off & some days they had to peel him off of her. She increased his days to 3 days & he did the same. He would get better after she was gone-sometimes it was right after, sometimes it was an hour later but he would get better. Eventually, he stopped crying when she would drop him off & he just started kindergarten this week & has done fine-no crying at all. So, I would suggest to just keep taking him & dropping him off. My little boy used to cry when I would drop him off but would stop as soon as I left-he did that for like a year. When I dropped my little boy off, I would take him in, give him a kiss & hug & tell him I would be back soon to get him & then hand him to the teacher & walk away. It sounds harsh but I think it was harder on him thinking that if he kept crying, he could convince me to stay & take him with me.
Hope that helps! Sorry you are going thru that.

M.

Hi Jesse. Not sure about this. My 4-year old son just started 4-year preschool after being cared for by both sets of grandparents while we worked. He loves school and he is older so that has certainly helped. We did have a little of this problem when we started taking him to The Little Gym for gym time every Saturday (1 hr) and camp time (2x a week for 3 hrs each week) during the summer. We started this when he was about 3 years old. He did not want to go into the gym and he didn't want to let go of us. It is set up so that you can stay and observe or you can leave and come back to pick your child up. We really wanted to observe and did this for a while until he got more comfortable with the kids and the teachers. They would even let us go in and sit in the gym. Slowly but surely we started leaving during the classes until we were gone the whole class time and just came back to pick him up. I don't know if that process just allowed him time to acclimate to us being gone or if he just was having too much fun to care whether we were there or not! I do know that kids from toddler to pre-school age often have separation anxiety - they are too young to realize from the beginning that we will return for them (they think we might have left them for good... poor things!). If possible, maybe you should cut down the time that you have him in preschool and/or pop in/stay with him for a short while each time until he understands that you will be coming back. I know it really helped at the Little Gym that they immediately get the kids started in on something fun and distracting so that they don't notice as much that the parents are gone. Also, is there a neighbor child around the same age that you could introduce him to and have come over to your house for playdates? He would probably be more interested in other kids if he could start the interaction at home where he is the most comfortable. Once he got comfortable playing with the kid(s) at home then he might be more easily distracted by them at the preschool and wouldn't have such a strong reaction to your leaving. hope something of this helps... best wishes! C.

From reading your letter and the "a little about me" profile, what hit me is- it may be just a little too much all at one time for him, since you've just recently moved to the area, and are finding all kinds of fun for you & your husband to do in Atlanta... but you dont say if your son gets to go with you on some of these outings?
Maybe he's a little homesick for Florida, & misses the beach also...maybe he just needs a little extra tlc during this transition period. Kid's sense of time is a whole lot different than an adult's, it may seem like days to him before you come back to get him from the pre-school.
Would it be possible for him to take a favorite toy or stuffed animal or book from hoome, or maybe something of yours such as a scarf or a hat, just to comfort him throughout the day? Perhaps asking the teachers to give him just a little extra in the way of hugs, or talking to him more, or more one on one activities would make him more comfortable, it may all just be too overwhelming & scary right now. Perhaps he is just shy also, which would make it harder on him to interact with the other kids.
Maybe Ask him if he could draw you a special picture or make you something that you could have at the end of the day would occupy his time and make it go by a little faster for him.
I know its hard & heart breaking, but you are right, eventually he does need to learn to become independant from you, but it may be its just all too much too soon.
Perhaps 1/2 days or less days per week for a time until he settles down a little. He is after all, still just a baby & cant be expected to act and think as an adult yet.
As for the teachers that say or make you think this is not not normal?? They need to put themselves in his little shoes & work to find ways to help him through this. Thats what they are getting paid to do isnt it?
My daughter also cried terribly when she had to go to daycare, & I finally just couldnt put her through it anymore. Her emotional well being coupled with the added expense, just was not worth it to me-plus, on a few surprise unannounced visits I wasnt real happy with the kind of care I saw she was getting. Pretty much just part of the group , but no real human contact or hugs or one on one moments. She was always off to herself, not part of the group, but no one seemed to want to do anything to help her join in. She pretty much was ignored through out the day--which in my opinion is really NOT right for a little one of just 2 yrs old.
I made arrangements with another moom in the neighborhood to trade off days a few times a week, when I'd watch her children, & she'd watch mine. That worked very well, my daughter already knew these children & loved going to her friends house, & having her friends come to hers. It was more of a one on one situation & not scary at all to her. Maybe hes just not quite ready yet for a larger group school setting & should be be re-introduced at a more gradual, gentle pace, or give him a few weeks break & really spend time talking to him about it, invite one or two of the other kids WITH their moms too YOUR house on days he doesnt go to daycare for an hour or two until he gets to know them better & feels more comfortable with the whole ordeal.
Seperation anxiety IS very real & VERY normal for a small child- & also can be very scary. Books to read to him on the subject may also help him see that everything turns out ok in the end. I believe it was Mercer Mayer that wrote some good ones.
Good luck, I hope you find something that works. Give the little guy a big hug, he's doing just fine. He'll grow up & be independant soon enough.

Karen C.

J.,

It is VERY normal for kids that age to cry when they are dropped off, and 4 or 5 weeks is not enough time for many kids to "get over it." If you are committed to doing this, hang in there and stick to it. My daughter is now 3 and half but cried for about 8 weeks last year when she started a 2 day a week preschool. Then she was FINE and loved it - and then after Christmas, she cried again, but only for a week. I know TONS of girlfriends that have been through the same thing with their kids, and I would always call one of them after I dropped my daughter off last year. There are some good suggestions in your replys for what to do when you get to day care; make a routine and stick to it, but give him more time to get settled. He may come around!
Good luck and hang in there!
Nancy

Let me tell you what happened to me... when my son was a toddler I moved here for work and immediately enrolled him in a reputable day care. He was ok the first few days but then began exhibiting the same behavior you describe. After a few weeks of this I worried and after asking a few questions, found out that the person who oversaw the early portion of the day kept him in a high chair from 6:30am until 9am. The reason he threw the tantrums was because he knew what was coming and dreaded it.

This may not be the case with your son but if his behavior changes from one place to another, then there is probalby not a problem with him but with the place. I'm not sure about his stage of development but if you are able, communicate with him. Ask him why he cries; does he make a new friend today; does he like his school; does he like his teacher; etc. If it is just because he misses you, try leaving a picture with him, or his favorite teddy or blanket. Make sure to reassure him that you will be back. Make it a "big boy" thing and get him to report back to you when you pick him up; "How was your day honey?" If there is a problem with the school, he'll tell you.

If you can't comminicate with him, use your instincts. If it feels wrong, it probably is. You may have to find another school. If so, get him involved and make it exciting. "Oh, my gosh, look how big you are! You get to go to school and do all these great things!" Good luck!

J.,

I'm not sure what to tell you about the tantrums. I have 2 little boys and haven't encountered that problem (yet). But I am interested to know what you found out about the preschools you researched. I put out a request to get some info on preschools in the area, but haven't heard anything. Could you help me out?

Thanks
S. D.

My family and I relocated here from Indiana in April. I enrolled my 3 year old daughter into daycare for the 1st time in her life. We started her out 2 days a week- she threw fits exactly as you describe your son's. We heeded the advice of the daycare director and increased to 3 days. Her crying continued for almost 2 months.
I do not agree with the teachers you spoke to... it is VERY normal for this go on longer than a month. It will get better, hang in there! And be patient with him, he has been through some major changes in his little life- a move to a new city, a new school.
We finally put my daughter in full time, and after a week she stopped her fits! If you cannot put him in full time, maybe try to arrange playdates with some of his classmates. If he has a little friend at school, it may make the transition easier.
Good luck!

WOW! Sounds like to much change too quickly for a little guy.
If I were him I think I would be terrified and acting out.
You don't have to let him think his behavior is the reason anything. If the teachers make you feel that way, maybe they
are right. Leave your job for whatever reason you choose to tell him. Stay home with him and give him a little time to feel secure again. There are groups you can join like MOPS (mothers of preschoolers). This would give you adult time and your child could know you are in the next room. It is a great program for any stay at home mom. Look into it.
Hope everything turns out well for you and your family.

J.,

My three year old son has separation anxiety also. He has unfortunately always done this and he has been going to daycare since he was six weeks old. It goes in patches. One day he'll be fine and the next day I have to have a teacher hold him just so I can get out the door.
What tends to work best is when I arrive earlier than normal so I can spend some time with him there. I will watch but not participate in the current activity. I speak to him and let him know that after nap time I will be back, or at snack time, etc. I also let him know where I am going. "Mommy has to go to her school and then I'll be back." Like I said sometimes it works and other times not. It has gotten less frequent though.
I wouldn't cave though because as you said you will be teaching him that that behavior brings rewards. If at all possible set up some personal one on one time with him after school. Like twice a week Mommy picks you up and we will go to the park for a little bit.
It also sounds like maybe the teachers aren't possibly handling things properly. Kids know when teachers or parents get frustrated and if the teachers are making a big deal out of your son's behavior they could be feeding it. For example, giving him more attention to try to calm him down. He gets more attention when he cries so of course he's going to cry more.
Hang in there it does get better but just remember sometimes it takes awhile.

J.,
I am a preschool teacher at a terrific program in Buckhead and i would like to assure you that it takes much longer than a month for a two-year-old to ajust to separation from mom for the first time. In my experience, it takes at least 3 monthes before you can start to see a change. Maybe sooner if your real lucky. Give your baby some time and don't give up because it only gets harder as they get older.

Hello J.,
Have you ever had anyone else watch him during the day, such as a family member or babysitter while you ran errands? If this is his first experience being away from you ,I would say his reaction is probaly normal. I would suggest you stay with him at school for a couple of days and everyday leave a little earlier and work your way into dropping him off. If however, this is the only place he reacts this way and has been in someone elses care before, it may be he simply does not feel comfortable with this particular place. You may want to look into other preschools and take him with you while you tour the schools.You may find one he feels more comfortable. I hope it works out.

personally i think it is okay to take him out . tell him how proud you are of him for trying something new etc. but he may just not be ready. you hit it right at a hard age. if you dont have to work try finding a mommy and me group to interact with weekly or join the local kids musuem if there is one. this can also happen with potty training and pushing them when they simple arent ready can cause more troubles. take him out and try again in say 6 months. best of luck to you

Hi J.,
YOu probably feel pulled in every direction by now, but I will tell you about my friends experience as her son went through the same. Her then 29 months son was put in a pre school just like you describe, he cried for about tw weeks, not just the tipical fit they trow enough to make you feel guilty but is gone 2 seconds after you walk away, NO, he cried most of the day, on and off, and her mayor concern was the same as yours, wheather she was going to reinforce that behavior if she gave in. The tachers told her they tried everything and so did she. Well, finally she pulled him out after she was convinced that he just wasn't ready (which took a while). The following year she tried again and he was perfectly fine, he loved his school and to learn and making new friends and the whole experience, BUT up to this day (he is 5 now) he rememebers how misserable he was in that other school, and everytime he goes by it he mentions how much he cried and how sad and lonely he felt.

In my personal opinion your son may just need YOU right now, he is still little and he'll have plenty of school experience soon enough. I too moved here from Fla 6 years ago, but I joined the MOMS club, I meet tons of friend and so did my son at athat time, they have play groups where he can start learning that socil interaction and they organize family activities where you and your husband can meet some new friend and they have LADIES NIGHT!! once a month for your "me" time.

I wish you the best

A.

I know the last thing on your mind is to move him to a different preschool, but it sounds like he is just not meshing very well with his teachers.Maybe they're the problem and not him.I used to have a home childcare, and one of the children (girl,2 yrs.)did the same thing;tantrums,cried when the parents left.The other three children were just fine, and around the same age.It was her first preschool,young parents having to work full-time,and she was fairly shy.After a couple months she finally got used to me and the other children.However,I worked my tail off to help her not feel insecure.Some caregivers are just not willing to put alot of effort into sensitive children,because there are other children to attend to.My two children have moved alot, and in general young kids can adapt alot easier than you think, better than adults.If you bring him back home,you will confuse him,and end up starting at square one again when you decide to put him into another preschool a year from now.Do some research and find a different school.

I went through the same thing with my oldest son - he is now 3. He has always been in childcare from the time he was 6 weeks old because I have a full time job but July, 2005, the center he was staying at was closing the doors! I was HORRIFIED!!!!!!! I searched and searched in a panic and didn't know what to do! I finally found one that I really liked and he was the same way as your when he first started. He would cry and cry and cry and this went on for a few months! I even cried every day on my way to work. But it did get better - it just takes a while!

Hi J.,

I am also a chiropractic student at Life. I have 2 year old twin boys. I am pestering the University to get a childcare facility now. For the meantime. I started my boys in day care this quarter. Seth started crying everyday. He is usually more social one. Then one day I picked them up and they hadn't been changed for hours. Anyway, my point is that I listened to my boys and realized that while they were physically safe they weren't getting enough interaction. The teachers basically just sat around and kept them from killing each other. I pulled them out and then found a great day care close to campus. It is really afforadable and my boys just finished their 3rd week there and haven't cried one single day. They say YEAH!! now when I drop them off. I know this probably isn't the PC thing but listen to your gut, and listen to your son. When you find the right place you will know. I don't know if my place has space but it is called A child's place of Cobb off of Roswell Rd. and Merritt St.
PS I used to be an elementary school teacher before my husband got moved here with his company. I know how stressful moving can be. Your little guy is probably letting you know his opinion about all the changes in his life. Feel free to contact me about questions, or maybe you could use a playdate with your son to get him used to being with other kids. I provide a playdate all by myself with my two wild things. (Seth accidently pulled the fire alarm when I tried to take them to the end or my business class last week. It was so embarassing and frustrating trying to work out day care situations when you have too parents "working".)
Well, Take care and good luck!
H. Welch
____@____.com

Look into his day a little more. Maybe they are pushing "educational" too much, when what he really needs is to "play" with other kids. Important things to know... what is the student/teacher ratio? Are they any other children that may be crying also that sets him off? I work in a Preschool, and I have witnessed the same situation as your child... It isn't fair to the crying child to be unconsolable, it isn't fair to the other children in the class also, because some of them get set off by another child crying. I think some children just are not ready for such a structured day. Have you ever thought of a Home Day Care? They may have a much smaller ratio, and they may be able to be more flexible, because they don't have a schedule they must adhere to so rigidly. Good luck to you. I have been in a similar situation with my child...I was lucky to have a "grandmotherly" teacher who held and consoled my daughter when she needed it. After a month she felt more secure being away from me, and eventually she did very well! 2 1/2 yrs.

Hi,
First let me say, I am new to the area, too. Kind of scary, huh? Relax. Take the kid out of daycare, he isn't ready. I have 4 kids ranging from 24 to 6. Honey, you will blame yourself, and try to analyze everything that comes down the pike. It sounds like you and the kid need to be together right now. Enjoy each other. You can try again later, you both have plenty of time. Take care and remember, everything will be fine.
Ruthi

I have a 25-month daughter who has been going to daycare since she was 7 weeks old. I know this is not going to help you feel any better but she continues to cry EVERY SINGLE day I drop her off; but have been told that she stops shortly after I leave. She also has gone through phases where she does not want to interact w/ the other students, these phases come & go w/o reason or rhyme. Only advise I can offer is to let him walk into the classroom instead of carrying him (which will be a fight for some time) and to not dismiss daycare because it is SO vital to children to have that interaction and education.
Not sure where you live but the Woodstock Sunbrook Academy is the 1st of 4 daycares that my daughter has been enrolled w/ that I absolutley LOVE!!!
Good luck!

I may be going through the same very soon. Our son, Hunter, who is now 2 years old as of the 11th, will be starting Mommies Morning Out / Preschool tomorrow morning at the local church just across the street from where we live in Sandy Springs. He'll go Tues. & Thurs. from 9:30 - 12:30. He's never been away from us before except for when I attempted to return to work when he was 10 weeks old. Of course, he was too young to argue or complain about it. He's never even had a babysitter. I'm quite nervous to say the least. He's a very hearty eater and is use to having his cup of water, juice, etc. at any time all day long, along with plenty of fruit/healthy snacks throughout the day, as well as, 3 main meals each day. I'm afraid he may get really hungry while he's there. I don't want him to feel as though we're just dumping him off on someone else.
Maybe some advice you get could help me too.
Thanks and good luck to you & yours.
P.