Seeking Advice: I Want a 3Rd Child but My Husband Does Not

Hi A.,
I posted the same thing not too long ago. I don't think men ever really get those feelings when it comes to having children so he probably doesn't truly understand. I don't have any advice but please no I feel for you I'm in the same boat.

I hate to sound harsh, but shouldn't you be happy for what you already have?

I'm 40.. time is up. I have one. That's it. And you know what? I am so grateful that I do have who I have! She is wonderful and loving. Sure, we'd love to have a second, but in this economy, we made the decision to focus on the child we do have (btw, I was 'infertile' when I conceived). It is difficult, though, when I see babies, but worse when I see people whining when they have something many others would love to have a fraction of.

Also.. you do have time for this economy to turn around.
Sorry, sister, but I have to side with your husband. So, I'd lay off... cry to your girlfriends if you must, but give the poor guy a break. He already gave you two angels.

Hi A.,
My advice is to not let this desire consume you. Focus on your blessings and not what you feel you’re missing. I heard you say that you have a husband who loves you and two happy, healthy children. While women tend to define themselves emotionally, men typically define themselves by their ability to provide for their families, period. I would encourage you to really hear what your husband is saying when he expresses concern over the financial responsibility of a third child. It sounds as if he’s not sure that he’ll be able to support your current lifestyle if you have another child right now. You don’t mention whether or not you work outside the home, so I’m not sure how this factors into the equation. If you do, how does the third child impact your time away from home and the family in order to make things work financially? If you don’t, how does this impact your husband’s time away from home and the quality of family life? It’s very easy for husbands and wives to lose one another during those early years with a new baby. Perhaps your husband feels that he’s just getting you back (now that your children are a little older) and is also concerned about the impact the needs of a new baby will have on your marriage. Motherhood is a wonderful thing and a blessing for all who are able to experience it; be careful not to make so many sacrifices in your marriage in pursuit of a third child that it becomes too difficult to recover. The children are designed to grow up, leave us, and live their own lives; the husband will be there until the end. Then the question becomes what quality of life/marriage do you want to have when it’s just you and your husband? You say that your family feels incomplete and I’m not sure that I understand. Did you have a predetermined number of children that you wanted to have when you got married? Are you hoping for a girl to balance out the testosterone in the house? (smile) Did you come from a large family? At the end of the day, God gives us exactly what we need. If it’s two, three, or six children, motherhood is a blessing and God’s most precious gift to women. I sincerely believe that if you change your perspective and focus on what you have rather than what’s missing, everything else will fall into place. God supplies our needs and gives us a whole lot of what we want. Be patient and wait on Him. You’ve got time; I had my last at 37 and would likely be pregnant again (or have had another by now) if we hadn’t decided after the last that we are done. It’s time for me and my husband to invest more time in our marriage now that we’ve graduated from nursing, diapers, and potty training. Focusing on your marriage doesn’t make you a bad mom; in fact, I’d say it makes you a better mom. Enjoy your blessings and remember to take deep breaths.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this :-(

Have you thought about maybe adopting through the foster system? There are a LOT of babies and toddlers in the foster system who desperately want families. And kids who are adopted through the system are provided with services their whole childhood, including health care, food and educational help. That might alleviate some of your husband's financial concerns.....

Have you tried approaching him in a way and asking him what would make him feel more financially stable to have a 3rd child? How can you reach that goal together? Are there things you can do now? Things you can cut out? Eat out less? Make a plan that you both can live with to achieve your goal.

Hi A.,
This is one of those times in marraige that you have to be in 100 percent agreement. How is your financial situation? Does your husband have a valid concern? I have 2 boys and just celebrated my 27th anniversary. So I have some experience to draw from.I do know that people get divorces everyday because of $ issues. I wonder though if maybe your husband is also thinking of the future re:college, a larger home and maybe on the personal side he's thinking that he will get his wife, the woman he chose to spend his life with back too! No kids taking up her time, just them together to enjoy, be spontaneous with.
Just something to think about. Live for today, be blessed and appreciate what you have been given and think about what your goals were when you got married,the answer will become clear when you both sit down and be honest with each other
Good luck!

This is about more than a child - it's about you having an unresolved issue and a broken heart. I think some short-term counseling, either together or for just you, will help you to voice your feelings better and hopefully draw him into a dialogue. This is something that will always be between you if it is not resolved. If you are struggling to put a smile on your father and you feel your heart is broken, you are headed toward depression and a real obstacle in your marriage. Get some professional help so that, whatever you decide, it's a good decision. My husband and I went through this, both about getting married and then about having more than one child - and counseling helped enormously to clarify our priorities. Now we are totally together. I wish you all the best.

I know what you are saying about the age/time issue, but please don't worry about that TOO much... at 35, you still have some time ahead of you, and your husband did say wait to decide. That is more open ended than a definitive no! I know what you mean, though, about the feeling coming over you and wanting to go with it. That is definitely a woman thing! Obviously, you do need him to agree and want another child... my opinion is that a lot of people overlook financial concerns if they REALLY do want another child. I feel like, if you want it badly enough, you find a way, whatever it is (money, time, etc.). Maybe he just feels done with that stage in his life? Either way, you do need to communicate with him, tell him your feelings, then maybe set a goal together of when you will come back together and discuss and decide this. If you talk about it all the time and go around and around the same issues, it will eventually cause a strain. These issues can really consume a woman until it's all you think about! If you are struggling to smile every day, it might be time to try to let it go a little, live in the moment, and revisit this in a few weeks or so. I know it's hard when you don't feel "complete"; many people understand where you are coming from. Hang in there and I wish you luck and support.

I have four little ones and we were not going to have a fourth because money is already tighter than you can imagine! I had three boys and I wanted to give it a shot to try for that girl! We went for it and we got our girl. Some people would think we are crazy because realistically, we can't afford what we have, but when it comes down to it...my days of being selfish are long gone! My kids are far from deprived. They are actually pretty spoiled in a lot of ways. Do I have any Coach bags? No. Do I have a nice wardrobe? No. Does my husband go away with the guys or go golfing when he wants? No. My husband and I come last in EVERY way and we are completely fine with that. I had my teens and early twenties to spend my paycheck on me and only me. Those days are over and I would not trade my little ones for any of it. Our budget is beyond tight and we certainly can't afford our kids to have "everything", but even if we could, that is not how I would bring them up. Are we going to have a car waiting for each of our children when they turn 16? Absolutely not. They will have to earn their way and there is NOTHING wrong with that. I came from a family of four kids and my husband came from a family of three kids. Our biggest memories of growing up are the "little" things.
Good luck with your convicing! I can almost guarantee that if you talk him into it he will never regret it!

Hi A.:
If I was you, I'd try to convince my husband that money isn't the end all and be all of security and happiness. When you look back in 20 years, will you both be happy with your decision not to have a third child? This is the point I'd try to impress upon him.

Recently, my husband felt the same way about us having a second child. I will be 31 this July and told him I didn't want to put it off any longer. He finally came around. Now that I'm 3 months pregnant, he's thrilled about our decision.

I would sit and talk to him about the way you feel...good luck!

Have you sorted out why this is such a burning desire of yours? Are you consciously or unconsciously testing your husband with a subtle "Do you still love me enough to make another baby?" That may not be the issue at all. But it's worth asking yourself why you want another baby so badly. What does a third child give you that two children do not? What feels incomplete? Is it that you always wanted a girl? Or is it something else? How many siblings do you and your husband have? What were your experiences that shape both your feelings today? Exploring these questions may help you and your husband walk through this decision better together.

We had our one and only child when I was 36, almost 37. My mom's parents were in their late 40s, in the 1920s, when she and her sister were born. So, although age is a factor, it doesn't need to dictate. Risks do rise as you get older but there are also plenty of children born to older parents these days that are wonderfully healthy. You just need to discern if you both are willing to take the risk and how you will react if things don't go well health-wise.

A few things to consider regarding age:
1) You may be wiser as an older parent but you may also have less energy.
2) Our 12-year-old complains about us being "so old" at 49 and 55 when he wants to go out and run around and we've got some ache or pain or are just plain tired. Plus, he has no cousins his own age (his main complaint)--they range from college age to 40.
3) How old will you both be when your youngest graduates from high school and college? How does that feel?
4) Are you both ready to start all over again with the diapers and no sleep at night?
5) If you end up having a c-section, your body won't bounce back as quickly as the first and second times. (For that matter, that's probably true of a vaginal birth as well. : )

We always wanted two children but that wasn't in the cards. That saddens us but we feel whole as a family at this point. We make it feel whole by having lots of kids at our house frequently. We also both do a lot of volunteer work in the community.

We once asked our neighbors across the street, who have five children, at what number did it start getting harder? They chuckled and said when they outnumbered the parents. With two kids they could divide and conquer. But with 3, 4, and 5 kids, they had to be more creative with their energies and coordination. Plus, car space began to dictate how big or how many cars were used when going some place.

I was the last of six kids. There were five kids in six years, then...surprise...me five years later. So I grew up in a large family but was also an only child, of sorts, for six years (my older sister was a year ahead in school). That had its plusses and minuses, but that's something to consider as well.

Deciding to have another is a two-way street. It takes two to tango and two to enjoy and struggle with the outcome. Ask questions that explore your hopes and fears, the challenges of remaining a family of four or of growing to more. Allow some time for both of you to think about this independently and together. This is a great opportunity to truly discern what works best for all of you--you and your family.

Good luck!

Be happy with what you have. Put your happy thoughts into the children that you have now. Each one of your children take a lot of attention every day. Life is never perfect with the perfect amount of children. This seems to be a false sense of happiness that you are looking for. I have 4 children and that is not your answer to happiness for the rest of your life. Have happy thoughts now for what you already have and things will fall into place.

Forgive me if I sound harsh or cruel or whatever...Enjoy your 2 beautiful children. I'm 46 and my husband is almost 43...we too had always wanted 2 or 3 kids, but due to fertility issues just have one wonderful boy(8 in August) through adoption who we absolutely adore and treasure. Try to redirect your energy on the 2 precious ones you have and enjoy the time you have with them...They grow up way too fast.
Good luck
M.