"Seeking Advice from Mom's with Teens or Older Kids"

I got married 2 yrs. ago and I have two teen daughter that don't care for my husband too. I have to tell them to be nice because if I don't feel like taking them to the movies, mall shopping he will. And one of them works, and he takes her and picks her up a late night. So I told her she can not be disrepectful to him, just because me and him are having some problems. He does a lot of things for my girls. But I have to admitt when we get into a fight he sometime take it out on them by not speaking too them. And now we are breaking up, because he said my toddler irritated him and I did too. We have not been getting along for a while now. And that was the LAST STRAW!! I have decided to just end it. And my girls are very HAPPY!!

S.,

Kids are excellent judges of character. They don't just dislike someone for no reason. She is definately trying to tell you somthing. Don't punish her, but instead let her know that she can come to you and tell you anything. Build with her a sense of trust so that she can know she can trust you with her feelings. I honestly don't think this is an issue of behavior, but one of her needing desprately to talk about what is going on.

J.

S., I'm guessing your teen is over 16. Teens are moody, but what finally worked for me was one on one time, really talking asking how she really feels about all the changes in her life. (new family members) I know its your life but your children are a big part of it. My daughter has a very strained relationship with her father because of some of the choices he made, and didn't have the kids input before he did some things. You could also explain your point of view and why the choices were made. I'm not saying to cave into the kids wants, but if they know where your coming from, it makes the changes easier to handle. Also make sure your new husband isn't trying too hard...kids can see through it. Good Luck it's a hard road.. mines gotten easier after 5 years!

Hi S.,
Well, something is definitely going on in your daughter's mind, whether or not it has a real basis or not, she believes it to be true. With the change in her grades and the anger she has towards your husband, those are red flags to be sure.

My feeling is if she isn't willing to discuss her feelings with you, I would try and find someone she will talk to.. school social worker, therapist, a relative she is close, don't stop until you find someone as this isn't going to go away. It sounds as though family counseling may be necessary to open up some communication about how everyone is feeling about this situation.

I'm sure there is plenty of stress around your home which isn't good for her or your marriage in general. You can't be in the middle of them forever, it isn't fair to you to be the enforcer all the time. She really needs both her mother and father in her life guiding, loving and disciplining her.

Maybe she needs to hear some comforting words from your husband. Perhaps reassurance that he isn't going to leave you and her again and so forth. I hate to even think of such a thing but there is that remote possibility that he has abused her either physically or mentally. That was my first gut reaction when I read your post. I do hope I'm wrong though. But you owe it to your daughter and yourself to dig deeper and get the truth about all of this. Good luck and I hope she comes to some peace about her feelings and you too. This is your daughter and this could effect her for the rest of her life and in her future relationships especially with males.

I have been through this,only thing is I am a single parent and mine is now 21yrs old, you may want to find out if there are drugs involved, or some other influence other than just your husband raising his voice to her, other kids telling her she don't have to listen to what you say. sometimes you have to get right down to where they are the brat stage.

Wow sounds like we're going through the same thing, only I'm married for 17 years, with one 15 yrs. old. Her dad and I are being patient and hope this phase passes quickly. I feel so bad for her because she's struggling with school, and my daughter also has type 1 diabetes and hates it. Just hang in there and hope in the end it all ends up o.k. Your not alone. D.

I hate to say it, but it is a thing that teens go through. I am going through something similar myself. She is just testing the boundaries. It isn't fun to go through, but they ALL do it!!! Just stick to your guns! She'll come around, IF you don't back down. Let her know that she can act any way she wants to once she is on her on, but for now, she is to abide by the household rules.

S., usually a good student just do not start falling grades all of the sudden with out a caustaive reason. What are her friends like? Is she hanging around a new crowd? Check her room for any clues. How does her eyes look and breath smells when she comes in the house. Have you talk with her school counselors? Does she have a boyfriend? What is he like? I do not want to bring this up but it must be said; Why is she avoiding your husband all of the sudden. Girl friend INVESTIGATE. As long as your daughter is living in your house, you have the RIGHT to snoop and ask questions. Especially when she is not communication, refusing to do her chores(unacceptable), and isolation from the family.
Teenagers do have hormone imbalances, but from your descriptions something is truly wrong. I will be praying for you.
Mother of two teenagers.
L.

S.,

From what you have said, (and I am betting that there is a lot more that has not been articulated, especially by your daughter), it appears....note what I said, "appears"..... that your daughter is thinking in a manner that suggests (again...note that I said "suggests") that she is not feeling loved, approved of, accepted and is doing what kids do who feel misunderstood. And because she is a teen, she is doing it in ways that upset her parents.
Punishing her might limit the behavior to some extent, but it probably won't get to the underlying cause...which is probably some variant of "you-did--this-to-me-and-now-I-feel-unloved-and-unsafe-and-scared and-angry-and-don't-know-what-to-do-because-I-am-still-a-kid- and-have-to-live-with-you-and-furthermore-I'm-afraid-to- really-be-totally-independent"
AND.....
"This-confuses-me-and-I-can't-talk-about-it".

Neither you nor your husband have done anything "wrong".

Rather, in most situations, it's the accidental misinterpretation of behaviors and words, either a one time event or a pattern over time, that is not understood as it happens...it's sort of like watching tv commercials...after a while they become so familiar that you don't even think about them...but they are still operating on your consciousness...like almost everyone knows the McDonald's theme songs and then thinks of their products and may even get a desire or craving for them...even though they have absolutely no idea where the meat comes from or how the potatoes are grown, or what is exactly in the so called "milk shake"...

And....the problem you are having with your daughter is not indicative of any form of mental illness.... it's just a problem in living...

R. Katz, Psy.D.
www.richardkatz.org

Dear S. E.
I, too, am 50'ish..........detailed numbers unnecessary ;-)
I am a single parent and have been since 1998. My girls are 17 and 20. I have had my moments with both of them and continue to do so. I have a great relationship with both of them, but my relationship is unique and I treat them differently. They have different personalities, perspectives, mood swings and react differently to life's little and large curve balls.

I am no expert, and every child is different, but I have found that one-on-one time with my daughters has always....let me stress that...."always" brought about positive results. The trick is so relate to her as a fellow female. Let her know that you are sad about what goes on..........that you want both of you to be at ease with eachother and not always at odds with eachother. When a tantrum occurs or she simply refuses to cooperate, stop everything you (and maybe your husband as well) are doing and pay attention to her. Not attack her..........but sit down (or stand) and have a conversation with an actual question you want her to answer. Such as, "What are we doing to you that makes you feel so angry?" "Are you mad at us, or are you ticked off about something else and just lashing out at us because we're the closest to you?"
If you ask her more adult questions, not placing blame, and not pointing the finger at her.........you might get a different response. And let her know that what she is feeling happens to adults as well. Regardless of our ages, we all feel ignored or rejected or hurt or not even sure of our feelings or why we're feeling them. That you don't have to be a teen to feel confused.

Most importantly, and the most frustrating part of this is, you have to do it at usually the most inconvenient times. When you're rushed or stressed about something else. Or when you have your own issues to deal with.......marriage, work, unending guilt and all those "Oprah" issues. ;-)

And...........it takes time. And it takes repitition. Is doesn't happen over night or in one conversation. I can almost guarantee you she will not respond positively to this type of reaction at first........cuz' its new and it'll catch her by surprize. But she may just come around after a while. And when she comes up to you and wants to talk.........you can keep cooking dinner, but listen to her and look at her and let her know she's an important part of your being. Tell her out loud..........that you want your relationship to be a good one and that you want both of you to understand eachother and work at it for the rest of your days. All the changes that we experience through our lives as women and the men we love have to be nurtured and worked at with all the energy and focus we can muster.

Take care.......good luck and have fun. Life is a gift and our kids are the wrapping!

D.
____@____.com

That happened with my kids & his kids, we have 8 kids together from 39 to 22. My husband never layed hands on any of them, and my kids were called the "Possee" by the cops. He told each one that he would never let them go without food, shelter or a place to live (when they were younger). He had rules of respect of himself and his property and mostly of me. They could follow the rules of morality and respect. Or not to be in his home. Both sides wanted us to go back to our individual spouses, but it took 10 years for them all to look at both of us with the respect we deserve. Have your daughter write down what she is angry at, maybe you confided in her before this man came into your life.

Sounds like an issue of trust and respect. I have a teenager and it isn't easy for them when someone breaks that trust. Being that she is your daughter, right?, she is learning some things from you. How did you react around her when he broke it oFf, what did you say around her? Not to place blame, but sometimes tjhings we say and do are a comntributing factor. May be good to just have some time the two of you so that she can express what is going on. I take it this is not her biological father so part of the problem may be a replacement issue - thinking she has to replace her dad (if she has any contact with him). For all the kids involved, please consider when things are rought, they get broken off by one party or the other, there is trust issues and not to mention, if they are used to just being with one parent or the other - what happened to that time? Now you have another person, if you will, distraction, in your life that is taking away from them.

Hi S.,

I'm not a mom of teens or older kids, but I have been a high school teacher for 13 years and the single biggest piece of advice I would give (that I have seen work) is to give your daughter opportunity to earn her privileges (car, tv, etc.). You mentioned that you have taken everything away and I completely agree that consequences have to be faced but be sure to define what it is that will allow her to earn those things back into her life. Otherwise what you will see happen is the kids think, "Well, there's nothing else they can take from me, so now I really don't care!". Give her a targeted behavior and recognize her efforts with just rewards. Positive reinforcement works wonders and consistency is key. Good luck!

Hi S.. Although I have two young children, I have worked as a high school teacher and now as a high school guidance counselor for ten years, so I feel like I have a little knowledge about the way teens think. Even though it probably seems at times that your daughter wants you to leave her alone, she doesn't. I hear over and over from the most rebellious teens that they feel like their parents don't listen or don't make time for them. I encourage you to start really making gestures to her to remind her of how much you love her. For example, text her a note that says you hope she has a good day, write her a card or note that says you love her, hug her, laugh with her. Even if you have to "kidnap" her to get her to talk to you...do it! Walk around the mall, just really make an effort to spend time listening to her. After you hear what she has to say, I would encourage you, as a blended family, to get some family counseling. You deserve to be happy, your husband deserves to be happy and so do all of the children. I can't stress how important it is to just spend time with her and let her talk or vent. I guess I am just always surprised when I talk to a parent and a teen and the parent will tell me how they feel shut out and the teen will tell me how they wish their parents would spend some time with them. Try it, and have FUN with her! I know these years can be hard, especially blending a family, but another thing you may work on is praising the positive things your husband does for you so that your daughter knows why you married him and why you love him. She is protecting you by being mad at him for calling it off in the past. Praise him up in front of him and alone to your daughter. This may help her feel more stable and be reassured that he loves you. Good luck, but be hopeful that with effort and love, things can change!
L.

S., sending cyber hugs! Hey, 50 is beautiful, isn't it?!

Having just survived (& I mean survived barely) 3 teens, I'll console you with "It's a TOUGH time!" Teens are trying to "find themselves" and figure out what they want to do in life. The stress, mostly unspoken, of being cast out once they become an adult (they think 18) makes them nervous. It's kind of like having a 2 year old again BUT with less control as a parent to correct situations. YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH - just persevere!

Some kids just do not respond to taking things away. Instead, those kids need reassurance. I would hold out on the car though... if they are acting irresponsibly they sure don't need to get behind a 2 ton vehicle to act like that : 0

If his girls hate you, it might just be that your daughter is feeling like she needs to take your side by hating your new husband. BUT, if it is a sudden thing for her not to talk to your husband, and her grades are falling after having good grades, I would certainly investigate. Our Crime Watch officer in town once told me that "everything in your house is open for a concerned parent to look at." Read her journal if you can, check out her myspace or facebook for clues of what she is thinking. You will have insight into her thoughts by reading what she is expressing. If she has had to change schools she may be struggling to fit in, she may feel that no one understands, she may be in those teen years that nothing makes sense... so many things can make kids act out.

SOON... Try to take her on a retreat... just the two of you. Get away for a night or two and spend total time giggling and sharing. You can take along an old photo album if you think she might be missing things from the past - and that will help her realize that although things have changed in your lives the past will always be there to remember if you need to. Be honest with her and let her know you are concerned and that you LOVE HER! [If you pray... now is a good time so that you can do the next step with your whole heart.] Then LISTEN! Don't judge or correct at this point... just listen. THAT IS SO HARD but it works.

Your husband might want to do the same kind of thing with his daughters and "hear them out". Kids want to have a VOICE in matters, even though they know it might not change anything.

It sounds like you love your daughter very much and want whats best for her. I hope you can communicate that to her.

Much of my advice has probably been mentioned here but I hope that something I have said can help. If nothing else, here's another cyber hug from one who has been there.

Blessings,
K. Hall

TheHallsEnterprises.wwdb.biz
1.877.399.8889

Hi I am thr mom of 3 my oldest is 26,then I have a 16 year old and a 7yr (he has special needs. My oldest daughter biologically is not mine(but is my husbands.) I may as well birthed her,I have raised her since she was 5. I learned along time ago that we give our kids there own way far to often. Try doing some small activities as a famiy,even if its a quick trip to McDonalds or a movie,start slow so your daughter doesn't feel on the spot. She is old enough to understand that what she is doing hurts you ,have you talked about that with her? The road goes both ways ,she can make the remaining time she lives with both of you comfortable or you can all be miserable. Most importantly she needs to know how much you love her,and she also needs to understand how much you love your husband. Once your daughter turns 18 and either goes to college or moves out,that time is very near,and would she want you to be alone? Unfortunatly our children are what I like to call overly pampered now a days and they are only thinking about themselves. I wish you the best.

I think your doing a fine just. I had so much difficulty with my now 19 year old daughter. But it was simple- you have rules and responsibility and dont follow them then you lose privleges- the car and other things are not your right it is a privlege. the only thing i wish I did more of is mom and daughter lunch, movie or shopping to help keep the comunication open.

Try spending some quality alone time with her from time to time (maybe once a week girls night) and then you can try talking to her about what is bothering her. Listen to her (first), do not interrupt, just hear her out and then talk to her about how you feel. It's amazing how much teenagers will open up when you spend quality time with them and LISTEN to them. By the way, my husband and I are both therapists/counselors who work with children and adolescents. We often find that there is a communication problem between parents and their children/adolescents.

Your daughter doesn't hate you. She defended you and hated him for whatever it was you seperated for. This is what teenage girls do with thier friends. Take that as a compliment. She loves you and she isn't forgiving him because of you. Maybe she is acting out because she misses you and the times you had alone? New hubbies and boyfriends take up alot of time, she is probably just feeling left out. If you have no suspicions of drugs and such it may be time to lighten up a bit on her. She misses her friend. I went thru this with my son. He was younger when I remarried but every fight we(hubby) had he hated him more. After we had finally seperated for good my son fessed up to some of the mean things my husband had done to him and his brother that arent from that marriage. I know why they hated him, he was cruel. I also noticed that at these times the kids were much more short and distant with me. They were disappointed in my strength. I should have been stronger minded and independent of him. All things I have taught them to be, but was not acting on.

Not saying your situation was anything like mine, Just saying look at it from a teenagers view. Try to take yourself back to the days of high school, boys, girlfriends and emotions...think it might give you new perspective.

Good Luck!

I know this is harder at this time of your life but her reaction is absolutely normal for a teenager. No child wants the parents to split and they punish you for it, believe me! Just keep letting her know that she had nothing to do with the breakup and that you and dad love her to death. The problems were between you and dad, not her. Make sure dad gets to see her often and you and new hubby need to be patient. Teens are teens. I heard hundreds of them complain to eachother in the high school hallways the 15 years I was working there. Kids don't like counseling but that is a good source for them; not at the high school. They don' want their friends see them coming in and out of the counselors office. Let them go alone to the counselor. You could meet with the counselor on a different day.

I would never want to be a teen again. All the hormones & emotions, the peer pressure & insecurities. My 16 year old daughter need loads of attention 24/7. Is it challenging & frustrating at times? HECK YEAH! Do I have to put my needs & desires & my husbands needs & desires on a back burner. YES!
In comparison the teen years with her older brothers were a breeze.
It's up to you to break the pattern of all the tension by finding a way to really show her how much you love her. That's all she wants. She just doesn't know how to get the love & attention she needs right now.

I have a 16 year old daughter from a previous marriage. My husband today has been in her life since she was 2. He doesn't participate in discipline with her, so he can try to be her "friend". Don't get me wrong, he will tell her how it is, but, I dish out the punishments. I too have the same problem with school, and her attitute sometimes can use a serious overhaul.It's not because she's not getting enough attention, or because we don't do enough with her, trust me. I don't know any kid that doesn't behave when they're getting something, or going somewhere that they want. Don't stress about it too much. I think alot of it is the teenage hormones peaking. Kind of like a teenage tantrum. They are just figuring out who they are, and testing boundaries is normal. Taking the phone and TV are great ideas, I have done the same before, taking the Ipod and computer as well. Just make sure you keep them long enough to get the point across. At about 2 weeks without any of these, I see a dramatic improvement. I have even limited her phone use after I had given it back. I will give it to her when she leaves for school in the morning ( in case of emergency ) and then take it back when she gets home.This is after I have had it for the 2 weeks. The car is a great tool. Take it. There's no reason she should have it. Driving is a privelidge, make her earn it. Designate certain chores around the house that earn her so much car time. That way you are getting help, and she is learning responsibility. Or, you could allot a certain amount of time she has to use the car each week, then deduct time for each chore she doesn't complete, for bad behavior, or poor academic performance. I wouldn't worry too much about her liking step-dad, or his kids liking you. That will come with time. If it doesn't, that's ok. You will know that you love them, and you were the best parent you could be. That's all any of us can really do.

Hi S. i'm recently remarried and have had worse situations i was divrced 11 years and thought it was ok to remarry when my kids got older jealoousy anger resentment blah blah anyway i belong to a good church both pastor and his wife are helping trying making 1 night by weekly with your daughter go shopping out to eat whatever just enjoy each other but than have your husband plan to do something with your daughter dinner movie she really wants the approval of both of yu try pointing out anything good her smile if she was nice anything try to ignore some of the other and give her attention fo rthe good see what happens

Your daughter will be growing up one day, perhaps getting married herself and you will be alone with your husband. Let her know you stand by him, but love her dearly. She needs to know that people can be forgiven. And that she is not betraying you by learning to like him. Someone gave the advice that you should go out with her. I think a step further could take place, perhaps he can take her to someplace public like the mall or you can meet them and have a cafe late or something together (oh teens just love that stuff) and all of you watch a movie later.Kind of sneak that in... If that's too embarrassing for her perhaps something else.She hasn't got you all to herself anymore obviously but the next thing is she is turning into a teenager and it might not have anything to do at all with what her feelings are about her stepfather. That is just a cover sometimes for her feelings of inadequacey. She might feel a lack of trust because maybe she got attached before and that's when he left. The old 'fear of abandonment and now she feels like it will repeat itself. So just to prove it to you that it could she might be sending out every possible way to say 'I told you so' She doesn't have to like him. You do. She needs to know it's okay to not want him with you every second that you are still the dynamic duo I am assuming you were before. Since you are a young fifty... you can still have fun together. Plus I found with my sons that sometimes that extra interest (off of school) like guitar lessons or something help and their grades seem to fall back into place. Good luck!

I too am remarried with teenagers, fun fun fun! For some reason they love to blame the step parent for everything, at some point they get it, however the challenge is staying married through it all! I've noticed (i have 4 daughters, 27, 20, 17 & 11) that they get squirly once the get their drivers lic. Don't know what it is, i guess its the freedom. Have patience and pray!

You need family counseling. Your daughter is exhibiting "acting out" behavior because she doesn't know how to deal with the situation. You need to identify what her fears/concerns are and then find a way to work together on them. Do it quickly before she seeks her own alternate help, which may be negative.

Hi S.,

have you tried spending the day with just her, getting mani/pedi's, maybe getting lunch and asking her how you and your husband can work with her to make some changes?

I am trying to see things from her perspective. When I was a teen, i hated my mother for staying with my father who was an abusive alcoholic...he was physically and mentally abusive to all of us... not trying to say that is what is going on in your home...

she must have some basis for disliking him, and just because you've forgiven him doesn't mean she will.

I think you need to talk to her... find out the root cause of her attitude. Tell her that she is putting you in a tough place, because you love her but you also love him (new hubby). maybe she feels lost in the shuffle... my 10 yr old and i recently talked about her general attitude (towards everybody) - i asked her why she was so angry all the time - she told me that she doesn't get my attention anymore and she feels sad and hurt - she said "I feel like you don't love me anymore". up until almost 2 years ago, she was my baby. i've since had two more and my time is monopolized by them. we've made arrangements to go out once a month on a saturday - she will run errands with me, and then we will go to lunch together and get a manicure. since i've started doing this, i notice a huge improvement in her attitude, towards everybody.

talk to your daughter... she clearly doesn't seem to be handling your new marriage well.

good luck,