Seeking Advice from Moms Who Have Dedicated Their Lives to Their Children

Updated on February 10, 2008
W.B. asks from Knoxville, TN
49 answers

I was just wondering if it is a bad thing for me to want to go out and have a little fun with my friends from time to time. I just feel like if I go out, that is time I am wasteing that I could be spending with my son I have at home. Is this bad of me? My significant other, my son's dad, says I am not to do anything like this because I should dedicate every part of my life to my children and not have any time for myself because that is what a mother should do. I disagree, so does that make me a horrible person? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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A.B.

answers from Lafayette on

W.,

You are not a horrible person at all. I am mom to a 6 month old. I want you to know I am a stay at home mom so I am with my daughter all the time especially since my husband works offshore working a 21 days on and 21 days off. So those 3 weeks hes gone its just me and my daughter. And it gets frustrating cause the only me time I have is when shes taking a nap and that me time means washing bottles, cleaning up the house, etc. So in no way do I think you are a horrible person. You deserve to go out and have fun. I try to atleast once while my husband is gone like going have dinner and a couple of drinks with the girls or go to a movie with them. Anything just to have some time away.

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L.M.

answers from Baton Rouge on

Are you serious? Did I just read that right? If I may be blunt, it sounds to me like S.O. is thinking your thoughts for you. "That's what a mother should do"?!?! What about a father? You should remind him that you're only half of the parenting TEAM in the house. Then ask him if he knows who the other half is. Geez.
OF COURSE YOU NEED TIME FOR YOURSELF. Let me guess.... Ol' boy goes off hunting or fishing or golfing or whatever he happens to be into, whenever and wherever he wishes. Am I correct?
Go out, Girly. Go have dinner and a couple of glasses of wine with your favorite chicks. Go to a movie or see a local band play. Go to the bookstore for an hour. For Crimony's sake, close (and lock) the bathroom door and read a book while you take a bath. Every person, whether or not they have children, dogs, cats, fish or elephants to care for, needs to spend some time with themselves. How the hell can you take care of a goldfish, much less a family, when you're tired and edgy all the time?

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J.S.

answers from Chattanooga on

Hi W.

Remember to be a good mom, you have to take care of yourself too! If that means going out with friends from time to time, then do it! My husband gives me time off all the time and I love it, but at the same time I feel guilty the whole time I am gone...but if I didn't take the time away I would totally pull my hair out! Kids can be draining, please stop and refuel occasionally :)
J.

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C.L.

answers from Houma on

Well, I guess everyone has opionions. I once heard a wise woman say you must take care of yourself if you will be any good to your children and it has worked for me... Going to the gym going on dates with my husband as in dinner & a movie, pedicures, shopping with mom and sister.. it's a 50/50 thing so he can enjoy the kids too sometimes as I do when he is not around... um, that daddy bonding time, but I have a great suppotive husband and partner...hope all works out for you, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with time for yourself as long as your actions reflect that of a MOTHER role model.... peace n luv

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T.K.

answers from Knoxville on

At last... another mother who questions whether they should have some Adult time, or not be "selfish" and spend it with the children!!!!

Although I really feel that all moms should have time away to de-stress,relax, vent, have fun and re-energize, I always feel guilty about it....until once I am out! But actually getting out is where I feel bad (my oldest is three 1/2 and I have left him with husband or sitter no more than 20 times!)

When it comes to your significant other...what you said made me think of a word..Control. That is all I will say about that...just something to think about.

Good luck finding your answer. Remember- taking care of you will allow you to better take care of your little one(s).

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R.F.

answers from Baton Rouge on

W.,
I am a Step-grandmother, raising my two step-grandaughters. I have helped raise my husbands two children, my two children, and now trying to get custody of my step-grandaughters. I also have babysat most of my life, have four small dogs and foster other small dogs when I can. I have a very good friend that needs my help with cancer treatment and care. Plus my husband! Even I need MY time. I don't always get it when "I" need it, but I do try to get it as often as possiable. If you don't take time for yourself, then when the kids are raised and gone, who are YOU? I don't mean to leave them often, but if you don't trust anyone else to watch them then your significant other can be mommy for awhile. But to go even further you both need time to be with eachother. One day it will be just the two of you and you can lose what that is and hope to regain it later. The kids need to be away from You too sometimes. We love our grandkids and they love us, but we all enjoy the time we spend apart too. Too much togetherness can be a bad thing.

Go ahead, have your time!!! Then love the kids even more when you are relaxed and stress released!!!

R. F

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M.T.

answers from Nashville on

If you husband thinks that then he is asking for trouble. I had the exact same experience when I was younger and married. What will eventually happen is that you will have no identity of your own and you will eventually become a slave to him. You will do this that he says and then soon it will be something else until you are a slave to him and soon he will feel he owns you. Then soon you will not know each other anymore and you will get a divorced. Now the only good thing about that is that there will be someone waiting and you will have the best life you ever had. You will get to be your own self, you will be allowed to have friends and to socialize and you will have your kids too and that will be called a "perfect" life.

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D.P.

answers from Chattanooga on

One thing I was told when I became a mom was that a good mom is one who takes time for herself and spends a lil time away evey now and then. wither it be an hr or a night away. We all need time to unwind and de-kid. your spouse is wrong for telling you that its wrong for you to go and have ME time.

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T.O.

answers from Biloxi on

I believe that our children are gifts from God, whether they are biological, through marriage, adoption or the like. If these children are placed in our lives, then we are responsible for them. To love them, educate them, help prepare them for adulthood...to be the best man or woman that they can be. Parenthood is not a simple job that you get to turn off when you are tired, or had a bad day at work...however...I believe that there are times when one needs time to oneself. For me that is a day of shopping by myself or with a girl friend. I think you must take time for yourself, to let you know that you are important, to keep yourself mentally healthy, so that you can bring back to your family a healthy mother, one that wants to be there and not feel like she is trapped. With that said, I also believe that how we choose to spend our free time should also set examples to our children.
I hope this has helped in someway, God be with you...

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S.B.

answers from Texarkana on

If you are not neglecting your son, then it is a must that you also get some time for yourself. We moms need some way of "recharging" our batteries, so to speak, so that we can be better moms. If we don't take care of ourselves, we can't be the best for our children either.

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M.G.

answers from Biloxi on

W.,

You absolutely should not feel bad for having "me" time. It is actually a must for many mothers (myself included). Fortunately for me, my husband knows that it is best for him and our son if I do have my time. I feel re-energized and reminded that being a parent isn't the end all of fun (without your child).There is nothing wrong with having a girls night out every once in a while, we all need a break. I have no advice for getting your baby's father to understand
this though. Good luck to you!!!!

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D.M.

answers from Johnson City on

Its is not wrong and your spouse is wrong by telling you you should devote your life to your son. You have to have some time for yourself or you'll wind up resenting your son. I have two children and every now and then I have to get out and have some fun. Once every couple of months won't hurt anything. Get a relative to babysit and meet a friend for lunch on the weekend just to have some time for yourself.

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M.A.

answers from Lafayette on

Sweetie EVERYONE needs time to themselves. Especially mothers. A little break from our children once in a while makes us better mothers. It gives you time to clear your head and be yourself. You can't forget that you are a person, too. not just a mom. I have 4 children under the age of 7, & I just turned 28 yrs. old. My only friends are pretty much my sisters. We get together once every blue moon & do something. My husband works overseas, 28 on & 28 off. I don't get many breaks, but a simple trip to Walmart ALL BY MYSELF for just 1 hour gives me the break I need. On the few occasions when I get to "let my hair down" and have a few drinks at a club or something, I feel like my old self.

It's important because one day, your kids will be all grown up & won't need you anymore. You have to keep track of who you are and celebrate it! Your husband should understand that. It sounds more like he's trying to keep tabs on you. Or maybe he's jealous that you could have fun with other ppl.

You have to get out sometimes & do something that makes you happy & lets you have fun. You won't be neglecting your son or being a bad mother. It's your right as a hard workin' mom, damn it!!!

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T.S.

answers from Little Rock on

And does your significant other NEVER do anything unless it is for/with your son?

That point aside, there needs to be a balance. Yes, life changes after children are born. They are given to us to love, nurture, and instruct in ways to become true men and women one day. That sometimes means putting off some of the things we enjoy to reach that goal. However, if you completely lose who you are and put EVERYTHING that you have into a child/children, then you are doing them a disservice. They begin to think that the world revolves around them and fail to develop a perspective of empathy. In other words, they become selfish.

Then there's the practical side of things. No person is an unending source of compassion and love. You have to find ways to resupply yourself in order to have something to put into others. Alone time and dong things that you enjoy are ways to do that. Again, there must be balance between your needs and those of your children.

As some examples, Jesus would go off alone for prayer, Muhammad, Budha, and other prophets also spent time alone. The President of the U.S. has his ranch and Camp David to get away from his duties, and employers give employees time off.

The key is always balance!

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J.B.

answers from Huntsville on

You need time for yourself, or you'll start feeling burn out and blame your SO. This is probably the healthiest thing a mother can do is get out and do something fun without the kids. I think a girls night out is in order if you haven't had one in 9 years. I don't think it is right for the father to dictate what you can and cannot do with your time. This is what babysitters were made for! Good luck and God bless.

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K.C.

answers from Memphis on

No it is not bad to go out and get away from your kids. If you don't get away and do things you like to do you will forget who you are. I don't get out as often as I would like, but I don't have that many friends, plus I am broke. Of course there is nothing wrong with bringing the kid along with other mothers to have a play date, while you get to have some "adult" time. And I can only guess that your husband feels he can go out with the guys anytime he wants and you just stay home. Don't fall into that trap.

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D.P.

answers from Fayetteville on

Oh, W.. I did the whole "total devotion" thing for the first 5 years of my childrens lives and as much as I love them (more than words can describe), it was a wrong decision in my opinion. Not only did it make them overly dependent on me, but because I gave and gave (between kiddos, house, husband etc...) I eventually felt empty! PLEASE consider yourself, at least a little. There is nothing wrong with spending time with other Moms and doing stuff for yourself! YOU NEED IT TO REFILL YOUR MOMMY GIVE-IT-ALL TANK!! In fact, my daughters (7 & 9) STILL can't stay the night elsewhere and even being away from me for school time can give my 9 yr old panic attacks. She thinks we ALWAYS have to be together. God forbid I take her sister or brother to the store without her! In fact I'll be having a very difficult surgery in February and she has been having panic attacks and depression and not sleeping worrying about the idea that I won't be with her for the 5-6 days in the hospital. She went as far as to convince herself she is LITERALLY going to die during that time because in her mind, I'm SUPPOSED to be with her every minute she's not in school! We took her to the doctor last week and she is now on an anti-anxiety/depression and counseling started Monday just to teach her to cope on some level without me. So please W., don't lose who you are just to become someone else's definition of 'the perfect Mom'.

God Bless you W..

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J.H.

answers from Jonesboro on

Hi W. B
I think that all mothers should be able to go out with friends at least 1 night a week. Or if you do not feel comfortable with that pick 1 night in a month to go out with friends. You have to have adult time once in a while, if you dont how can you be able to meet your childs needs if you are drained yourself? I also think that your significant other needs to wake up. No offense meant. He gets out and spends time with other adults. He is recharging himself. Why shouldnt you? But if you feel that it is time wasted then you need to do what you feel is best. Only YOU can decide that. No one can tell you what is best for you. I hope that you and him can come to a compromise. Good Luck!!!

Jen

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H.G.

answers from New Orleans on

If you don't spend some time on yourself, you will only make yourself miserable, and you will end up resenting whatever/whoever is stopping you from doing that. You have to be good to yourself, and sometimes only a bit of you time will do that. You will make yourself crazy if you don't. I don't think that it is wasted time and I don't think that it makes you a horrible person, if anything it makes you normal. If you don't take care of yourself, which includes distressing your life and getting some you time, then how can you take care of others?

Plus, you take care of everyone else all day long, which is one of the most unselfish things that a person can do. Which is one of the many reasons that I think you deserve to take some time for yourself. I am not saying every week, but once every couple of weeks or once a month, take some time just for you doing what makes you happy.

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M.M.

answers from Little Rock on

W.,

It's not just good for you, it's good for them. It's important for your kids to know how much they mean to you but also to realize that the entire world does not revolve around them. It will show them that it is important to take care of themselves when they are parents. It will help them grow some independence and perspective now. It doesn't just need to be you time, it needs to sometimes be you and your significant other time..... time to reconnect and have your children get used to other caretakers. Good luck.

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A.C.

answers from Memphis on

Hi W.. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting some "you" time. We all need this. Being a mom is wonderful and yes we love our children. But sometimes we need a little bit of a break and be able to have a conversation with someone besides gaga googoo. And if your significant other does not like you going out, then invite your friends over when the kids are away/sleeping, and play games, watch movies, whatever. Good luck and I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
A.

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S.J.

answers from Memphis on

Wanting to go out and having fun with people your own age does not make you a bad mom. You need an outlet as long as you don't forget your priorities. You just make sure that your children are safe and go out and enjoy yourself for a little while. I have four kids 17, 15, 12 and 11; recently divorced and have started to venture out on my own after 13 years of marriage. Your son's father is your support person, so go out enjoy yourself. Take care.

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F.C.

answers from Alexandria on

Hi! W.:

You have your own life. Love children is one thing. Doing what you like is very important thing also. I had four grown-up children and I am lucky to have them. But I did hire some lady to help me out when they were young. My friends told me if I raised those four kids by myself, it would drive me crazy. Having good time for yourself !!! Do not make yourself stressful. If you are happy, you will pass the good spirit to your kids.

Fu-mei Chen

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N.P.

answers from Knoxville on

You are a better mother when you are with your children if you have had some time for yourself. Any mother, psychiatrist, or sane person should know that. I do believe the activities you choose should be stimulate you physically and mentally. Belonging to a good reading or bridge club or exercise group (like yoga) would set a good example of participation. If nothing else going to read at the library is fabulous. Go out some. I don't think going to clubs and bars with the girls is especially a good thing but getting together with the girls is fun. Craft clubs get your mind away --- that's important. Pray and read your Bible - boy does that help ...........

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J.C.

answers from Tuscaloosa on

I am studying clinical psychology, in child development and family studies. I see it all too often, parents... specifically moms who do not do anything for themselves. The research is out there and it shows that these women are more depressed, stressed, and their family life is more difficult than moms who take time out for themselves.

You have to have adult time. I've been there I am a working mom, but I was a stay at home mom for 4 years and hated every minute of it. Does that mean I am a bad mom, no, some of us are not made to stay home 24/7 with our kids. I was depressed, stressed, on medications, and miserable.

You have to make time for yourself and I don't mean destructive things like going out to a club or bar, do something constructive. I for example, started back to school and a senior working on my BS. I also plan to get my MS.
Go to the gym, go out with friends, go to the library or book club, something you enjoy that will make you feel like you are doing something good for yourself rather than doing something bad for the kids.

It doesn't have to be 4-5 nights a week, go to book club one day a week, or take a Saturday and get pampered at a spa once a month.

It is healthier for you and your kids, because if mom is not happy the kids won't be happy. They can sense stress, tension, and depression and it causes them stress.
It took me 4 years, medication, and therapy to figure it out for myself. It has been a year, and I am a different woman now. I am more confident, have lost 15 pounds, and feel all around better physically and mentally, so I am a better mom because I am happier and healthier.

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A.C.

answers from Dothan on

Mothers have to take time for their self. I feel that if you take care of yourself, you will be a better mother. Taking a little time occasionally for yourself does not make you a bad mother. Now I do not agree with mothers who go around "partying" and drinking. Not only is this harmful and addictive for the adult, it is also a bad example for the children. I do not feel that alcohol has to be involved for adults to enjoy time together.

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C.L.

answers from Baton Rouge on

W.,

I don't think any counselor, doctor, pastor, friend, other mother, would think you are a bad mother for wanting to get away sometimes. It's important to have balance in your life. If you are home all the time being a mom, cleaning, being a personal chef, nurse, playmate, and etc...you do start to lose that sense of self that sense of "being you".
I have been through that, I have done the day in day out 24/7 childcare, mother, wife, and it can be draining. Our role in our kids life is to love them, teach them, correct them, take care of them....but you have to stop and wonder soemtimes who is taking care of you. If getting out gives you this sense of happiness and getting a chance to just be you.....plan some time with your friends. I have to say that my husband insist on it and tells me that everyone needs balance even stay at home moms and I have to say, when I get that chance to go, whether shopping, out to dinner, lunch or etc with my freinds....I feel so good and can't wait to get back home to them. It makes me a better wife, and mother.

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T.J.

answers from New Orleans on

It's vital for a mom to have some sort of time to herself! Do not be made to feel guilty by what your SO is telling you. Yes you have a responsibility to raise your children but you should not lose who you are over it.

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M.B.

answers from Baton Rouge on

I don't think your a bad mother for wanting to go and spend a little time to your self with the girls. Everybody needs that. Im a new mother, so i am ready for some girl time. My husband and i have the same views on things like that, he has his time, and he lets me have mine. I think it makes you a better person.

M. B

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A.K.

answers from Tulsa on

Oh My Gosh!! You NEED and DESERVE time to yourself!!!!! Going out on your own occasionaly is fine. Especially if your son is 9, he is old enough to not be 100% dependent on you all the time. My children are 1, 3 & 6. My 6 year old has Down Syndrome and it very dependent on me, but even I get time every once in a while for myself. I am going on a 4 day mommy vacation this month without my kids. And that was my husband's idea. You totally need the time without having to be in mommy mode. Your significant other doesn't know what he's talking about. I'm sure he gets time without playing daddy.

Good luck.

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A.W.

answers from Birmingham on

I can totally relate, I can't remember the last time I was out of the house w/o at least one of the kids. When I mention it my husband says that he never gets a break either, though he does what ever he wants whenever he wants. sometimes he will leave and not even say that he is leaving. He has never changed a dirty diaper, and my oldest is potty training and my husband will not take him to the bathroom. I mean I am not trying to bash my DH he's a great guy just not a very attentive dad. that is the biggest problem in our relatioship. I am a stay at home mom so there is no outlet for me. Just wanted to let you know i know where you are comming from.

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K.A.

answers from Little Rock on

W.,
I know what you feel like. My son's real dad didn't want me to be hang out with other people. He got really upset if I did anything other than what he thought I should. No it isn't wrong to want some "Me" time. Your youngest is nine and his is 16. The boy is a teenager he doesn't want to spend all his time with you and his dad. Your own child is old enough to be hanging out with his friends to a certain degree.
My own is that age and I still go out and do things with the girls. Our kids are our world true, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to do non-kid related activities with your own friends. Your spouse needs to take a minute and consider your needs too.
K.

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M.S.

answers from Dothan on

I have four children 7 and younger. I feel that when you go out and do something for yourself you come back so much more refreshed and ready to handle the challanges that come from being a mom. My husband is in the army and I am already making plans to go out once or twice a month by myself. I am actually planing on paying a sitter once a week and taking my children out on dates. I feel that everyone can use some alone time. Don't feel bad for wanting time to yourself. Godd luck and have a fun girls night out.
M. S.

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J.M.

answers from Knoxville on

W.,
I am a mother of 2 great boys, 7 & 14. I will tell you from experience that they need for me to have an outlet outside of home. Any parenting book you pick up will tell you that to be an effective parent you have to have your own interest. Now, does that mean going to tie one on? I don't think so, but going out with the girls to have a little fun, a drink, dinner, desert, bunco, book club, whatever, is a good thing for you. I'm no therapist, but I have been where you are. You have to have adult conversation, and stimulation. Ask your significant other what he's feel like boxed up all day, every day doing nothing but diapering, feeding, playing, and doing nother but talking to a toddler - bring on the men with the white coats and padded cells! Take care of you and you will be a better mother to your children.

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B.M.

answers from Nashville on

honey, why don't you try to get some time to yourself a couple times a month. you will be more at ease with yourself and you will appreciate your time with your son more. if you want i will watch him for you. my email is [email protected]____.com if you want to exchange info. i am in murfreesboro and my children are grown now and i would enjoy video games....i have a ps2 and an xbox and plenty of games and cable and we could have a great time. i was always the " cool" mom. i hope you do find some quality time for yourself on occasion. it is good for you baby girl.

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A.W.

answers from Montgomery on

W.,

I know where you coming from. I myself have three children except their ages are 5 3 and 4 months. While I work full time also and enjoy my time I am able to spend with them. Sometimes it would be nice just to go and have some Mommy time with other adults. No, your not wrong for wanting to do this. Why is so bad for the husband to have to watch the kids for one night while you go and enjoy yourself without having worry about your children. Don't think that our spouses wouldn't go out and have a good time while we sat at home with the kids. Mine has and then calls me every few minutes if I even go to the grocery store. I say go and have yourself a good time. If you personall feel guilty about it then its a conviction you have and you shouldn't do it.

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H.S.

answers from Chattanooga on

I have 2 boys and have learned that you hae to take time for yourself. I go out at least once a month with my friends I call it mommy time. There is absolutly nothing wrong with wanting to go out wit your friends. Maybe your husband is afraid of you going out. well I H. this helps

D.B.

answers from Memphis on

Oh good Lord almighty, LOL. I am a mom of 5, homeschooled for a long time. Even when my husband was in the Navy and out to sea 6 months of the year, I took time for myself. It just makes sense...a happier, healthier, stressfree mom, makes a happy home. If you have some friends that you can do things with while he's in school, that seems it would be ideal. You could get your adult/friend time, yet be there when your son comes home from school.

We are moms, yes, but we are women as well and we need friendships, we need time alone. Men don't, they don't get it because it's not as big a need as it is for us.

I would suggest making some friends through your sons school, or your church if you have one. There is nothing wrong with you wanting time for yourself as long as you're not barhopping every night. Your family should be a top priority for you, but not your only one, know what I mean?

Is he nervous about the friend you have? If they are single or divorced he may feel you should be with only married women, who knows. I hope I helped in some way, good luck.

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T.B.

answers from Johnson City on

Hi W., There is nothing wrong with time to yourself, you need it you deserve it!!!!I use to feel guilty if i spent time away from my boys, but i realized i need a break sometimes to be a better mom, I am a stay at home mom of two very active boys.I would go crazy if i did not get out once in awhile. My husband is very supportive of this, he realizes that if I am happy things are happy at home.Does your sons father dedicate his life to your kids? You know a father is very important to children too.You are not a horrible person at all!!!! Just because we can create life does not mean our lifes stop, go have fun girl and be happy!!!!God BlessTAWN

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C.G.

answers from Memphis on

we try to keep it pretty even in our household. one boys night per girls night out and at least as many date nights if we can afford the babysitting. it usually works out to about one each per 2-3 month period. but no free time for you is not healthy for anybody in the household.

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S.K.

answers from Little Rock on

does his life also center on the children? he should spent a 7 day week in your shoes, doing EVERYTHING you do for the kids ( and him)and around the house plus work hours. i am sure he would be really for a few hours of change of scenery. it is simply recharging your batteries so that when you are on duty at home, you're in better shape. no one can be constantly in top of things without going a little nuts. he should get real. that's my soap box on selfish men.
S. kidd, russellville, ar

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J.W.

answers from Lafayette on

W.,

i whole-heartedly believe that you don't have to give up your life entirely to be a great mother. you can go out from time to time and enjoy yourself without neglecting your children. in fact in my opinion, every mother needs this in order to maintain sanity. i know several mothers who, me included, like to go out on special occasions and i consider every one of them ( and i hope people consider me) good mothers. my kids don't object (except my 15 month old at times) because they get to spend time with their grand parents. "out" doesn't have to be to a club or bar, it can also be to lunch or shopping with a girlfriend, or dinner and a movie with your husband. i think you need to make time for yourself and it'll be good for the kids too. good luck!!

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K.T.

answers from Little Rock on

Hi W.,
I wholeheartedly believe you do need time to yourself as well as time alone with your spouse/significant other. I don't think it's healthy to not find that alone time!!

:) K.

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J.G.

answers from Augusta on

You NEED to go out and spend some time with your friends. No one can be mom 24/7. People that are 24/7 mom all the time are the ones you hear on the news that do terrible things to their kids because they never too time to get away. You need some down time and time for fun with people you have things in common with. Moms need time for themselves or they will go crazy. I have two little ones 2yrs and 10 months and they are very active and clingy. If do not have some time to myself I would be crazy. WHy does dad spend some time with the kids too.

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L.H.

answers from Shreveport on

Hello, W.! I am also a mother. 3 boys and the oldest doesn't live with me. I did dedicate every moment of my life to the oldest boy and it backfired big time! He moved out when he was 12. Now he's in juvie for burglary and is a habitual runaway. Ever since he was 4, I've had trouble with him in school. My advice from my previous experience is to take some time away from your son. Go to a mom's night out once a month with your friends. Give your son alone time with dad. Let him know that he doesn't have to be glued to you 24/7. Don't make the same mistake I did. When I was working even the daycare teachers complained about him. He was only good when it was just me and him, it seems. Now I have two younger sons and they do spend time with dad, so I can get away and rejuvenate. They seem to be more well rounded individuals as a result and I've had no complaints from teachers! Yeah! I hope this helps!

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M.S.

answers from Jonesboro on

W.,
You didn't say how often this happens.I would think maybe you need to really examine the total relationship.You and your husband have other issues.First,you have allowed him(your husband)to believe he controls your movements and life.He can express an opinion but if you are a responsible adult that takes care of your family and your job then you know how to make intelligent descions.Here in Arkansas I see so many women that let an over bearing,uncareing,uneducated man PUSH them around.The after they have control over their mate they start running around on them,after all they don't want a wimp for a partner,only as a housekeeper, cook, and babysitter.So I guess what I am saying is stand up,stand your ground but be reasoniable.Do not argue or fight about it.Also if you are a member of a church you might want to spend your free time doing things with the church at first,it would be very hard for someone to find fault with a mother that used her free time that way,plus you would feel good about yourself and the biggest benifit would be for the church.If you are not active with a church then you might want to check into one in your area.With the tornado victims there is plenty to do.God Bless and Good Luck.

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M.J.

answers from Lafayette on

W.,
It sounds as though we face some of the same issues. I am a SAHM also. I have one left at home and not in school. She will soon be turning 2. My husband is also very controlling and is a very jealous person. I find myself wanting to call to pay my bills instead of mailing them or paying them online, just to talk to another adult. My husband is attending a UOP course 4 hours every Thursday. His work hours are 6:30 - 3:30, but he doesnt return home until 6 pm/ 7:30 every evening since he is visiting with the boys or he is riding around calming down after the 8 hour stress of his workday. WEEEELLLLLL!!!!! Big Whoop! I deserve time to myself too. At times he, gets home, I will hand my 2 yr old to him, tell him what my 8 yr old is doing for homework and the 4 yr old is playing webkinz! I am going to wal mart! Sometimes I spend 45 minutes there, sometimes up to 4 hours...Depending on my week. I put everything I want in my buggy, then when ready to check out I go get an empty cart and put only what I need, leave the rest and check out. (Of course, all the workers who put back the returns hate to see me walk through the door!) My husband went to Walmart with me once (ONCE) with all three of the kids, and he said never again! That or an activity with one of the children's clubs are the only times that my husband MY KIDS for me (like he is doing me a favor by being a father to his own children when I have to do something for myself, right?!!!)

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L.B.

answers from Fayetteville on

If you do not take time for yourself, you WILL become resentful. EVERYONE needs breaks. The "significant other" in your life goes out to work, and probably does not have an issue of what he wants to do. If you want to say healthy and happy, you need to tend to you as well. You would be robbing your son of his Mommy if you did not take time to pamper yourself and do feel good things for yourself. How can you give if you are depleted. Get out there and start loving you. Get out there - buy yourself a blouse or get your hair done. Get a pedicure or manicure. Get some bubble bath and candles perhaps for you to soak in and enjoy the scent of when your son is sleeping so that you can unwind at the end of the day. Look into Mommy groups in your area. Do not let yourself be held to only what someone else will allow.

Sorry if this is offensive but it sounds like the "significant other" has control issues and only wants to happen what he can control. Today he is not letting you do anything except for child care... what is he going to control in the future.

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L.K.

answers from New Orleans on

It is absolutely not wrong for you to feel like you need some kid free time once in a while....in fact I believe that a girl's night out without the kid should be a required thing at least once a month to help keep us sane! You need to tell your boyfriend that he needs to get over that 1950's mentality and stay home with the kids for a couple of hours so that your can have some me time.... If he continues to disagree then you need to put your foot down; you will become a basketcase without a break.... good luck to you!

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