My parents have been together for 34 years, of those I can tell you that I have barely ever seem them happy. I love both of them, my dad is outgoing, and affectionate person. My mom is the opposite. When I was growing up I was afraid of her and I always looked forward to my dad being home (he used to hold me and take me to see grandma, sometimes he played outside with me) my mom seemed mad all the time (I was scolded constantly and punished) She had major cleaning and organizing OCD.
I remember my parents arguing ALL the time, they used to not speak to each other for days sometimes weeks. When I was 15 my dad had an affair and when I found out I thought I was gonna go insane because he would leave me. He ended up not leaving my mother. Things never got better, you would think they improved but the fights only got uglier.
Now I'm married and they live close by, they help me watching my children while I'm in school, my dad is a big support for me. However, I can see how his life is sad and I wish I could see him happy. As adults he has told me a couple of times that there are days he thinks of leaving her but that he knows he is not 30 anymore and he thinks this is it. It breaks my heart, I'm in the same situation with my husband (he verbally abuses and I'm so unhappy all the time but I know there is hope for me and one day I will have a second chance at life) but what about my dad? Should I even get involved? I couldn't never talk to my mom, I have tried telling her my opinion when I see her yelling and fighting with my dad but she tells me I need to not say anything. She is just so angry, I can't remember the last time she let me hug her...
Please any advice would be much appreciated
“Personal example carries more weight than preaching.” ~ Chinese proverb.
I suggest that you focus your energy on your own marriage, whether that means making it better or leaving it. You learned from your parents, now they may learn from you.
Be the change you wish to see. Your father is a reflection of what you are going through yourself. Your parents taught you how to be in relationship and now it is time for you to take that information and transform it in your own life. Just as Sue W. said, you can only help through modeling. You certainly can't support your dad if you are living the same way. Find the strength within yourself to heal your own childhood wounding and give your dad the gift of seeing what that looks like.
I agree to stay out of it. Love your dad and support him, be the sparkle in his life and the joy . Your kids too ! And for your mom, I would address your sadness that is related only to you and her friendship or relationship. A letter or cards that just simply tell her you love her and miss one on one time, girl time, etc.... try to make time for fun, movies...build up the relationship and maybe by months and months of love to her.......how can she turn angry ??? It may take a long time, but I learned the more bitter a family member is too me.......the more I love them and sometimes it changes their heart and sometimes it doesn't but it does get better for me to deal with it .
Don't get involved. If there's one thing I would suggest it's that you stay out of your parents issues, if you can. You're an adult now and it's not your responsibility to work out these things for your parents. Your father's sadness is reminding you of your sadness as a child and probably also hits close to home since you are having some unhappiness in your own marriage. STAY OUT OF THEIR SITUATION. Love your Dad, spend time with him if you choose, but try and stay off the topic of their relationship.
Sounds like there might be some issues of codependency that you are dealing with. I think you may benefit from seeing a therapist or going to a codependency support group so that you can learn to detach yourself from others a bit, so you can take care of yourself. Sometimes we have to separate ourselves a bit from others in order to do this. With him helping you with your children, is that possible? In any case, I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist. They can help you to deal with some of the issues from your childhood that have carried into adulthood.
We all have them =)
We all make choices in our lives and your Dad chose to stay with your mom. Whether it was the best or healthiest decision, it doesn't really matter at this point. He has to take care of himself and you have to take care of yourself. You might suggest to him that he also speak to a therapist to help him. But, if he decides not to seek help, there's nothing you can do about it.
Big hugs for you. I know these situations can be so hard.
I think you should stay out of it, but if you both do decide to leave maybe you and your father could get a place together for a while?
You might just sit down with him some time and bare your soul. Tell him how unhappy you are and ask him how he lives day to day with your mom. Tell him the truth, ask his advice.
He may open your eyes to more than you've ever noticed before and he may just be in limbo with no real reason to stay but not enough to leave.
If you say, if it's appropriate, "Dad, if you leave her I'll leave him, we can support each other".
Stay OUT of it!
We have a couple in the family, married 50 years and I would assume everyday was as torturous as today.
The argue, they insult each other, they fight, they don't speak for days...I think they must like it. Seriously. They must.
Once O. of their sibling suggested divorce (everyone else's obvious solution that knows them) and the husband responded "that will NEVER happen!" Um....ok....like I said....these people LIKE it that way!
IMHO it's very inappropriate for your dad to talk with you about problems with your mom. It's one thing for something to slip, or if you ask a direct question - but it's another thing to enlist you as his confidante.
I also think it's interesting that you married a man more like your mom than your dad (at least the way it sounds).
To me it sounds like there is a whole lot of enmeshment going on. If I were you I'd seek counseling to sort through all this, and to figure out how to move forward effectively in my own life.
Good luck - hope it all gets better for you. Your dad has to figure out his own life, just as we all do.
She sounds stressed and sounds like your dad does stuff shes doesn't like and she doesn't take it well. Sounds to me like she is not understanding at all. I sorry I cant change someones personality I have no advice for this question.
Are there any medical issues among you? High blood pressure or anything that can cause excessive moodiness or anger? I feel certain that (understandably) now that you are unhappy, you project a little. Sorta like thinking he must feel exactly the same as you feel. Your Dad is likely programmed by his childhood and the last __ years of marriage and dealing with this and, should he leave your Mom, would likely end up in exactly the same situation out of habit, or a need for normalcy. I dont think that ending a relationship is the answer. It seems to me (all opinions of course) you make each other pretty happy so just staying a very big part of his life is your job.
I agree that you should stay out of your parent's business/marriage. However, I also suggest that you talk with your father about how you feel. Perhaps start out by talking about your situation with your husband. You and your father are in similar situations. I suggest he could have suggestions on how you can manage your life. Don't tell him what to do and let him know you don't want him to tell you what to do but commiserate with him. Let him know how much he and his actions have meant to you.
Sharing feelings is the most satisfying way of relating in my book and it's nearly always good to share these sort of close feelings with those we love.
And I also suggest that you don't try to talk with your Mom. She has too much anger over too many years to be able to share feelings. Sounds like her predominate feeling is anger and you feel that expression all too much already. She cannot change after all this time.
You can tell her you love her and still be involved with her. Showing love is good to do. She may soften as someone suggested but it's highly unlikely.
My parents were not very happy, too. You say your husband is verbally abusive. I hope that you find a way to become happy or that you leave him and make your own happiness.
Mom sounds like she has some psyche issues/mental illness. The fact that she has OCD is a red flag to that. Mom would probably benefit from a therapist if you could get her to go.You cannot involve yourself in your parents lives, as you do not know the full history of what brought them together or what is tearing them apart. You know not the secrets or issues they have as a couple and it is best to stay out of it, especially because your dad is choosing to stay. Their marriage is also from a different era and generation, where regardless of how miserable a couple was, they stuck together. There is also the issue of the affair, recovering from something like that can be brutal and again, I remind you, you do not know the intimate details of their marriage or why it collapsed or remains glued.
Address your life and your issues. Seek counseling for yourself and perhaps suggest it for your dad. That really is all you can do for him. Good luck.
