Seeking Advice for Children Going Through Divorce

I think the biggest thing you can do is to make sure they know that even though you and your husband are splitting up, you both love them very much and you'll both still be part of their lives. (assuming the sitation doesn't warrant cutting off contact with him) The other thing is to make sure they know that it is not in any way their fault.

My prayers are with you!

Having divorced parents (I'm now 29), some things to keep in mind are..

1) Don't ever badmouth each other (together or separate) in front of the kids regardless of how insignificant or discreet you think it is - even if at first they don't seem to mind it, it will eventually harden them anytime the topic of 'dad' comes up. My mom was great at that... your dad could never seem to finish anything... he was never around... his work was more important... he played favorites to his kids... he always made me the bad guy... so on and so forth

2) Try not to treat the relationship as a mistake. He was a big part of their lives (even helped create one of them) and they don't need to think badly of that time. In some ways it translates to kids that those years in their childhood were mistakes. The more bad things either of you say the more it will affect their happier memories - and they deserve to have those :o)

3) Point out the good in divorce. You are showing them that they should never allow themselves to be in a situation that makes them unhappy and that there is always something they can do to change it. You can point out that you would hope they would do the same because everyone deserves to be happy as long as they have done everything they can to try to make the situation work.

4) They don't ever need to know the details of the divorce or what caused it. I know you may be hurt and need to vent (I was 14 when things got really bad at home and my mom talked a lot to me, which I was fine with at the time - even thought I could help - but over the years it got harder and harder and now I hate it any time she even mentions my dad's name to ask how he is) but don't... chances are they know a lot of what was wrong and are best left not knowing the rest - especially if dad wants to remain a part of their lives.

Also, if you are able, work with your soon to be ex to be civil to each other and do things for your kids.

Some things you may try on the home front would be taking time at dinner to talk about their day and stay in touch with what is going on in their lives (my husband's family always spent 30-40 minutes after eating just sitting and talking - each kid got a turn to tell about their day and what they were doing in classes and how they felt about things - and they are one of the most well rounded and in touch families I know.) Another thing you can do is designate one night and pizza and fun night where you can play games, watch movies, do a craft, anything as a girls night together. This should help your girls hopefully stay secure within their new family setting and know that you are paying attention to them and care about their lives. Stay involved! :o)

Hopefully this helps a little...

Best of luck!

I agree with the Amber and Janeen, make sure they know you BOTH love them very much but that you two (as adults) can't live together any more. Try to stay friends, and definitely no and mouthing the other partner. I hope your soon-to-be-ex can act this way too.

Nowadays, kids have their own support systems with friends whose parents are also divorced, so it's easier for them to talk to the other kids who have dealt with it already or are going through what they are.

Still, keep the lines of communication open, and let the kids vent as they need to. Be prepared for possible acting out and see it as the insecurity it is - if they act too bad will mummy get rid of them too? As adults we don't fully comprehend the messages that children get from our actions.

I wish you all the best. That you were a mum at 14 shows you're no novice when it comes to hard knocks but I think adversity make syou stronger. I was a mum at 16, divorced at 22 with 3 from a physical abuser. I got through iit, didn't think I'd make it sometimes, but the Good Lord had a plan for me. I look back and it's like it didn't happen to me, like I watched a movie or something.

Good luck and God Bless

R.

I have a similar circumstance with a 16 yr old and a 5 yr old. I often say if my older son wasn't in a wheelchair I might have planned it that way because it could have it's benefits!! But, back to the matter at hand. I have been married twice and my current husband is the father of my youngest son as well, but he's been around since my oldest was 4 also. We are not divorcing or anything, so I don't have a lot of advice on that subject. I do however, come from that situation as a child myself...and I can say that my adopted father did not treat me as his own as he did when he and my mother were married. It was VERY hurtful. I would say that it's important to maintain the current relationships as they are now, just in two different homes. As long as they are good relationships of course! I also just wanted to comment in general that I wish you well in your new life.

Dear C.:

I recently found out my husband was having an affair and was in the attorney's office filing separation papers when he asked me for another chance, so I have done the research and prepared myself for all the possibilities, although we are getting counseling now. However, I would sit down with them and make sure they know it is not their fault, that he still loves them. If he does not love them and is too focused on himself, then don't string them on. Ask them how much they want to see him, individually. The 7-year-old will probably need more intensive time with him than the 14-year-old. Find a pastor (male) as a mentor. Surround yourself with friends to help you have the support you need to fill your emotional needs during this excruciatingly painful time. You need friends as much as they do. Hang out with friends who have strong husbands and a good family life so they are surrounded by positive male influences and positive role models rather than the lousy role model that you former husband has been, no doubt, to them. I would encourage them each to write a letter to him letting him know how much it hurts, even if they never mail it, just to get it out. It wouldn't hurt his obtuse self to take that in as well. I don't know your circumstances, but I am assuming you tried to keep it all together for as long as you could. Explain to them that it was a difficult situation for you and ask them to communicate when they need alone time, when they are feeling blue. It is important that they know they have a very open avenue of communication with you right now, to exchange hurts, to ask questions, to love and commiserate with you. The 14-year-old girl will have a lot more empathy with you and will be really watching you to see how you handle this (especially if she knows this is not her biological father), so make sure you are strong! Hold your head high and don't let this get you down! It is not a reflection on you; it is a reflection on his own selfishness. This is what I have had to remind myself about my husband's affair - it is not something I did or didn't do; he chose to do it to me and it is wrong and it represents his own selfish disregard for the happiness of anyone but himself. Please feel free to call me if you need to - ###-###-####. I am going through this right now and I know it isn't easy, but I have a gargantuan support group and I am also a strong Christian and a strong woman. Keep the faith - don't ever let him see you down, and be proud. The kids will hold onto you right now during this time - let them keep you going, day after day, even when you feel depressed and unable to go on. God Bless! Love, N.

Here is the only thing that helped my children cope with divorce. I told them it was a "FRIENDLY" divorce. For some reason this seemed to calm my children. It was not necessarily friendly but that's what we told them. I kept them informed of how things would work with our whole family- when they would be with dad, how that would work etc.
God bless you and your children.

I had my first at 19 and my second two weeks before 22. Their dad and I got divorced when they were three and six. I met my current husband just before my younger of the two was three. I have to say, no matter the age, divorce is h*** o* everyone. I have found, being honest with teenagers (as my oldest is now 13) is profitable to their development. I tell him the truth, but not details. I am his mother first and friend next. They know that I loved their father very much and am thankful that he gave them to me. We have a very distant if non existant, relationship between us as a divorced couple, and he makes it very difficult for me to communicate with my boys when they are not here. However, my ten year old, is also told the truth. Just try to make it age appropriate, as well as letting them see maybe a family councelor. Kids don't always talk to their parents about how they really feel. Encourage them to be open, but don't force it. Let them know you are sad, but try your hardest not to let them see how much it tears you up. Your 14 year old and 7 year old kids are very lucky to have a mom that is concerned enough about them to ask for help. Not all parents realize their kids are going through the divorce just as much as you are. Right, wrong, or indifferent if affects them just as, if not, more so then adults. Good luck and God Bless!

Look into going through mediation for your divorce instead of just attorneys. It will make the process less volatile and will therefore help protect your kids from the ugliness divorce can bring out in people.
Also, encourage your ex to attend Co-Parenting classes with you. These are a great way for parents to figure out how to continue to co-parent without having a romantic relationship with each other. (My husband and I needed this after a 7 month deployment....all of us can benefit from this sometimes!)
Good luck! Just the fact you care will help your kids deal well with this and come out of this un-scarred! Especially if you are happy in your life!

C.
My mom was divorced 4 times between my ages 7 and 17. It was hard when I was young because I didn't quite understand, and i thought it was my fault. My mom had to keep telling me it wasn't my fault and that it was an adult thing that mommy and daddy just didn't love each other any more but they both loved me very much. And never say anything bad about your ex when there is even a chance the kids can hear you. It makes it that much more difficult for them. Try taking some one on one time with each kid every day even if it is just for a few minutes to let them know you really do love them and you are still there for them.