Seeking Advice for a 'Recently' Emotional Child!

I absolutely agree with the other two Mama's that have responded to you so far..there have been a LOT of changes in this little fella's life in the past few months. He has gone from having a SAHM and a Daddy in his life to something so totally different that there really isn't much for him to hang onto right now. His Daddy isn't there, his Mommy went back to work, he has moved to a different place, he spent several months with his Grandma, whom, no matter how much she loves and adores him, is NOT you!!! I would be surprised if he WASN"T reacting to this in some way or another.
That being said, his fits seems to be really, REALLY violent, and I would want to rule out any physical or psychological cause to them if I were you. Have you found a new pediatrician that you feel like you trust and have easy access to? I wish I had some wisdom to offer about how to deal with this fits of his, you must remain calm ( I know I know, easier said than done) and don't over react. I would try to treat them like any other tantrums, don't reward him but giving in to whatever it is he wants.
I would also try to work on his verbal skills, dont "guess" when he wants something and dont let him just "point". Try to teach him ( in calm moments) how to say the things that are central to his life. It would be very frustrating to him to not be able to communicate what he wants to you. This makes me happier than ever that my daughter has been teaching my 15 month old grandson "sign language" since he was an infant!!! I dont know if you would want to look into something like that or not. My grandson can tell us if he wants "drink" "more" "water", "all done" he signs for so many things....Mama, Papa, Grandpa, Grandpa, Hat, Puppy, Kitty, Elephant, fish, all sorts of things. Not only is it just as cute a button but he can actually communicate with us and tell us exactly what he wants!!!!
I wonder if it would help your son feel like he is in touch with his Daddy if you find a couple of his favorite books and have your husband read the books to him on tape, that way he can hear his Daddy's voice, as you turn the pages with him!!!
I am interested in the fact that you said that your husband has been transferred to Ft. Hood, our son is stationed there but is right now serving his 3rd tour in Iraq. Is your husband in the Army?? How long will he be at Ft. Hood? Please tell him that I said thank you for his service. And thank YOU for your service too...I have been an Army wife for 40 years now and I can tell you it is a wonderful life, but it has it's drawbacks, like these times when you have to be separated because of the military requirements.
You hang in there...and good luck to you and your little fella!!
R. Ann

i just have to say, your not the only one, and I don't think there's anything "wrong" with your DS. i have 3 kids DD 8 DD 6 and DS almost 2 in April. And alot of what you said is what is happening to my son. He is totally different from my older girls. He's more aggresive etc. He is going thru the spitting food out, pinching, yelling at top of lungs, not eating dinner, and other things that go along with the age. I think it's just something that has to pass, and for the most part, stick to your guns. This is him testing the waters to see how far he can push you and see how much he can get away with. Now, my DS, no matter how monterous he can be, if he hurts someone and tells them "sorry", it just makes me proud that he is doing something that I taught him regardless of the behavior that made him say it. Yes, I do punish him for hitting...but he's gotten to the point that he says sorry on his own.
Hang in there, this too shall pass....unfortunately into something else!

Hi S.! Parents As Teachers (PAT) organization is great and free. If you call your local school district early childhood center they can set you up with PAT mentor. They offer support with behavioral/developmental questions, screenings and a lot more.

S., Have u seen a doctor? I have a son who had issues, and he has autism, I could not figure out what was wrong! I took him to the doctor they lead me to children's mercy Behavioral clinic Dr. Kilo and Dr. Little are awsome, I can tell u spanking is not the answer, especially if he has problems.It will just make it worst. I will pray for u and your son let me know what u find out. C. M

Clearly lots has changed in your child's life, and it has been hard for him to handle. Are you and your husband permanently split? I can't tell from your description if it is military or something else, but it is very difficult for children when their fathers or mothers leave. Little kids have a hard time handling emotions (don't some adults you know?). I think you need to be understanding, encourage good behavior, but don't punish. He is too young to understand punishment. When he hits, spits, throws, etc., just say, "No ______ ," stop his hand, and remove him from his activity. Get down to his level and look him in his eyes when you do this. Don't take toys away or give him a time out, but distract him. Avoid over doing it; put him on a regular schedule with a reasonable nap and bedtime. Don't go out when he should be sleeping. He will improve within a few weeks.

It sounds like he has had quite a few changes in his life. He is acting out on things that he does not understand. You wrote that he has been staying with Grandma, that your husband moved, and that you have gone back to work. His life has changed totally. A two-year old does not have the skills or anger control to calmly verbalize what he feels. Talk with him about how he feels and take action on that rather than on the behavior.

K.

Poor little guy. I agree with the others about all the changes in his life and feeling abandoned. Not only is he missing his dad and was missing you like crazy at Grandmas and now while you work, but he is missing his Grandma too. She had him for 2 months and that is like eons of time for a little one his age. To us two months would fly by. To someone his age it went by very slowly. His Grandmother probably did a great job while she had him. But now he's waiting to see what's going to happen next.

If your little guy had autism he would be acting out no matter who he is with. He may have heard something he doesn't understand but made him feel like it's your fault for all this that has been happening. Is there any way you can make a trip to see Grandma soon? Also, I hope he can see his Daddy soon and I agree you need to try and spend as much personal time with him as you can when you are off work.

I have a couple little girls in my daycare that have gone through year of trials and they have fighting like cats and dogs with each other. It's horrible. They are sisters and have each other to duke it out with. You are the other constant in his life. So you are getting the brunt of this. PLUS, I bet some of it is contributed to his terrible two phase.

I don't have any great advice other than to ignore the tantrums when it's possible but be firm in the discipline for the worse behaviors like spitting. Maybe you should try and stay out of public for awhile if possible. It's just more stress for you and I bet you are under a lot of that already right now.

Suzi

You are going through something similiar to what we did, except ours was medically induced with a steriod. Go to your doctor/pediatrician and ask for a referral to a pediactric psychiatrist. Do not let your general doctor treat the child medically in any way because they don't have the extensive knowledge that the mental health professional does. Start there and see what they think after evaluation. In our case, slow elevation of anger over time, fits at home and in public, etcc, our son was showing signs of PTSD and possibly bipolar. Medication has greatly reduced things and we are in the process of trying to get a definitive diagnosis. Our son became so bad the school couldn't even handle him, now he is back in the same classroom and doing his work again and loving the teachers...way different from 4 months ago. The fact that he is so young and spent so much time away from you could be a part of the problem as well, but a mental health doctor would be best at identifying that. You will find your answers and you will get him help and bless you for doing it early and not letting it get so out of control. Our pediatric psychiatrist told us that this would be the greatest storm that we would ever weather with our kids and he wasn't kidding, but it is finally coming to smooth waters thanks to wonderful doctors and good medicine, which we truly hope won't be long term. Please feel free to email me if you have any questions at all....hang in there.

S.

Hi S.,

I read this yesterday and wanted to respond, but had to think about how to write it first...

The thing a lot of people either "don't get" or forget is that children are not just little adults, they are children and in your case he's a baby!

If you stop and read your letter - count the number of things that have changed for him that you describe.

1) His daddy is no longer around
2) He went to stay with Grandma and then came back home
3) Mommy is no longer at his beck and call, as she now works
4) Did you move?

If you think about it - no wonder the poor little guy is angry. As an adult you can reason out all of the changes in your mind and deal with them. As a child they don't know what the heck is going on - and they can't ask you to explain it to them either.

It will take some time for your little guy to become accustomed to the changes in his life. Try and make him feel as secure as possible by establishing some set routines with him. Most little ones respond well to a routine as then they know what to expect.

When my girls were little, we were sea going navy, and no matter how many times we went through the changing of family dynamics, it through them for a loop every time.

Hang in there and it will get better!

N.

You son has a strong personality. This will have it's good points through out his life but, obviously, will have it's down falls. More then likely, he will be a leader and will probably be very smart. My daughter is now 2 1/2 and it has gotten alot better. She would throw such a fit that if we were in public and had to remove her, I feared for both our our safely. She would push so hard I was afraid I would drop her. Her fits are mainly her throwung herself on the floor...and hard. My advice would be to reinforce his possitive behavior and ignore the negative. Do not punish him for the fits. Ignore them. To a child, Negative reinforcement (you getting mad, ect) from his fits it better then no reinforcements (ignoreing). This is why he is better at other's house. The fits are a bigger deal for you, of course, because you are his parent. Other's are going to be less likely to punish him, being someone elses child. He's looking for reinforcements, possitive or negative.

Of course, this is harder when you're in public. I have three kids and once one showed the signs, then they all followed. Many times we never made it to the store. If I am in the store when a melt down occurs then we go to the front and wait it out. It is actuall less embarassing then walking around with a screaming kid.

Good luck

Hi S.... regardless of what is causing the behavior (whether it is the recent separation issues or something else) I would definitely get in contact with your pediatrician &/or a counselor preferrably. They can rule out anything medical and help him and you as the parents deal with the emotions that your son is going through. Dealing with it now could really help save a lot of heartache later on. Sounds like he is frustrated that he cannot communicate what is bothering him and a counselor could help with that. It doesn't mean that he is "nuts"...we can all use help of this sort from time to time in our lives and it sounds like he has had to deal with a lot recently. Hope this helps!

Well sounds to me like he maybe very upset with you for leaving him with grandma. I know it seems odd since he was really good for her. but he may feel like you abandoned him for awhile. I recomend trying to spend more cuddle time with him. Make sure you tell him that you love him and aren't going away again. it could be since he can't talk that well yet he is having trouble telling you how he feels and what he wants. all the fustration from not being able to speak his mind and the time away from you probably has built up so much that now he is trying to find an outlet for his anger and confusion. part of it could also be wanting to see daddy. just talk to him tell him what is going on even if you don't think he will understand all of it. it may help for him to just feel in the loop of why his life keeps changing.

Hey S.! I do not have any experience to pass on to you, but I completely agree with all the prior posts. Children thrive on routine and that routine gives a feeling of security. Even if the dad is far away, a single parent can make that stability & security in a child's life, but it needs to be based on a routine. It sounds like the behaviors he is showing are really out of control, and seeking the advice of a specialist is your best bet. One thing I would like to add is to watch his diet. Make sure you limit sugar, enriched flour products, & fried foods. Fill up on whole wheat and fruits & veggies. Depression & anxiety can be helped (not necessarily cured) by our diets. Good luck & hang in there! Sounds like you are a wonderful mother!

S., You have a lot of great responses and I truly agree. Even though he is not quite 2 the changes in his little life have been great. Is there any way you could stop working for awhile. He lost his dad (and his mom when he was with grandma)now you are living in a different place and you are working. Continue to be consistent but give the little guy a lot of love. I bet you are having a hard time also with all your changes. Please be sure to take care of yourself because he needs you to be a stable mom.

I think you are over looking a few things here. You mention that he spent a few months with your mother. You alwos say that his father just went to TX. People have left him recently, at his age that is hard to understand. He has no control over it and it can make anyone angry. If this did not start until after you picked him and came home, I would begin looking at that. When a child is left for a long period of time they can feel as though their life is out of control, anger is part of that.

At the same time, you can not allow him to hurt himself or anyone else. I would start by talking to professional.

S.,

I also agree that you've gotten a lot of great responses but I thought I should chime in that some of your son's behavior sounds very similar to what I experienced with my youngest son last year. He just turned 3 this month and although you have had lots of stressful changes in your life recently, this behavior does seem a bit over the top, even for the "terrible twos" :}

I also was very lost about my son's behavior and found help with Rainbows United/ Bright Beginnings. They are a part of Kansas' Infant-Toddler Services and they have been such a blessing for us! I learned a lot about my youngest (and how he's different from my oldest!!) and ways that I can help him cope. I cannot tell you the amazing difference we've seen in him over the last year. They will be able to evaluate your son for any physical or psychological reasons for his behavior and help you establish parent-driven solutions that help you get through your day-to-day routines. I strongly recommend you give them a call! (Especially since PAT often has a waiting list.)

You can find more information (and probably a phone number for your area) at RainbowsUnited.org Also, feel free to email me at ____@____.com if you have more questions.

Hang in there, girl, you are doing great! And remember, although you do need to stay the course and stick to your routine, your son may need you to try a different approach to communication because there very well may be more than meets the eye!

HTH,
S.

Hi, S..

I wanted to emphasize 2 things. 1st, the part about having a regular routine (as much as it is possible with your work schedule) for going to sleep and getting up and taking naps. And also for eating. Advice I've heard is at least half of the time a child is acting up it's because he's tired or hungry. I've noticed this is true with my 4 yr old daughter.

The other thing I would recommend is teaching your son about emotions. He has them but unless you have taught him about them, doesn't know how to appropriately express them. I used books from Discovery Toys called "The way I feel" and "Happy Face, Sad Face". Happy/Sad Face is more hands on but they are both good. There are surely other good books on teaching young kids about emotions too. While you read them you can talk about his emotions too and what is okay and what is not okay. Discover Toys also has baby signs books that you can use to teach your child 20 different "signs" like sign language, for different things like drink, eat, bath, milk, and other stuff. The better he can communicate, the better it is for both of you.

I used to sell Discovery toys...they do the toy parties and are very educational. I'm sure you can find a "distributor" in your area if you do a little searching on the internet or just ebay for the items I've mentioned above. Very good products, just didn't really work for me as I worked full time and wanted to spend the rest of the time with my daughter, not trying to build up a business. G

I hope things are going better now for your family. I pray that God is working through all these changes to bring about good in your life. Keep your eyes open for His hand in your life. He knows what is going on and is there for you....just talk to Him. I often take a time out when me and hubby are at odds or when I'm having a diffcult day with my daughter and pray and He calms me down and gives me a much better perspective. God is good! I just prayed for you & your family. God bless you as you try your best to parent your child alone thru this.

J.

S., there could be a lot of reasons for your son's behavior, but it sounds like you're doing what you need to by being firm and keeping up with your rules. i applaud you for that! it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. when you say that your husband went to texas and you are now working, how long ago was that? i wonder if it's not your son's way of expressing his frustration about missing his daddy, and not seeing you as much. that is the first thing i thought. maybe if you think back to when all these big changes happened, perhaps a few weeks or a few days later is when this behavior started popping up? kids get insecure about these things and to me it seems natural that he would become upset. if that's the case, just hang in there and keep reinforcing your rules. you can do it! if it seems unrelated maybe there are other changes or upheavals in his schedule/routine that may have triggered this. i would bet that it's something along those lines. he needs your love and patience right now, but he also needs to know that the rules still have to be followed. good luck!