Seeking Advice for a 17 Month Old

she is acting out because she knows her dad is not there and misses him evan at this age. She is going to push you to see what she can get away with. Have you tried laying down with her, as for the high chair thing don't worry if she makes a mess on th efloor just clean it up and go on. Have fun at this age.

Hi K.,
My daughter is 2, and so far we have no relief in sight! I remember she was probably that age or younger when that very behavior started! I hate to be a bearer of bad news but it's not getting better yet. My dad always says it's the parents' job to set limits and the kids' job to test those limits. I believe it!!! About the nap--sometimes our daughter stays in her bed and plays for 1 1/2 to 2 hrs--it's awful. We did find though, that it made things a little easier to do a very similar routine to what we do at bedtime. At least that made the crying stop when we would lay her down. Now she just plays and sometimes she strips naked...and no sleep! But on days like that, I just let her stay up without a nap and then lay her down about an hour earlier at night. So sometimes she gets to bed at 7pm! What is her normal bedtime? I wonder if she would fall asleep in the car at naptime? But the transfer to the bed would probably wake her...
I don't know, good luck!

It's her job at this age to test boundires that's what they do. car seat is a no-choice thing and if she screams so be it but do not ever waiver. She'll get over it eventually. I know in your condition it's tough to be patient but just re0duirect her when she's naughty she will eventually learn what no means. But emember she's testing if No measn aI can't ever do this or maybe just sometimes?

As far as the eating if she won't sit in the high chair try a booster at your table, or take the tray off the highchair and push itup to your table and sit with her. Kids this age won't often sit for a full meal ( at least min wouldn't) T serve a lot of easy to pick up foods and found that letting them run around and play then come back for a bite worked better. The oldest 2 outgrew the desire to do that at about age 2.5. The littelest still does it. But it gets the food in him without a fuss.

I highly recommend John Rosemond's "Making the 'Terrible' Twos Terrific!" I read it when my son was about 4 months old, and again later, and I'm reading it again now that he's almost 18 months and his younger brother is due in two weeks. This is a great, common-sense book that I find extremely helpful because he goes over the major life changes that a toddler is going through and how that plays out in daily life. Basically a two-year-old (defined as anywhere from 18-36 months, give or take a few!) is convinced that he is the Center of the Universe and the Lord of All Creation - because up to this point, it's true, the world HAS revolved around him. Now, at around 18 months, we parents pull the rug out from under him and say, "No, you are not the center of the universe, and you are to pay attention to US now." And like any Ruler of the Universe, he fights this insubordination tooth and nail, and he spends the next half of his life fighting it tooth and nail. It sounds like your daughter is testing you, to see who's in charge, and so you'll have your hands full, but she really does want you to be in charge because deep down she knows she's not competent to make all these decisions. So, be a "benevolent dictator" - firm but loving, going to neither extreme. And read the book! It's informed my parenting through now (that and "A Family of Value") and has helped me have more confidence in myself as my son has started his own journey into Two-dom.

p.s. My mom says good parents are mean, bad parents are cruel. Think back to your childhood and the times you thought your parents were "meanies" - and you now realize they were right!

If there is anyway you can put her in day care at least a couple of times a week, that would really help. I was in a similar situation. Parenting alone, working full time and pregnant with my husband not at home. Day care really helped. Aside from giving you a bit of a break, it helps to give her structure, lets her socialize, and lets her burn off energy. Also in that setting, she has to listen to the teacher or there are consequences. After she's been going for a little while, you can use their techniques at home. For example, the nap thing. My son also gave me a hard time with that but at daycare he napped when everyone else did without a problem, so when he was home I would say, ok its time for nap just like at "school" now put your head down and lie quietly just like miss Mary tells you too. 9 out of 10 times that worked.

I hope this helps.

I also have a very headstrong daughter and this is what worked with her....Giving her choices. Many times children feel like they have no contorl over their lives, mom or dad tell them what to wear, when to eat, what to eat, etc. By giving the child choices, they feel like they are in control (when actually, you still are!). The key is to give 2 choices with each question (and ask as many as possible to give them more choices), either choice you are happy with.

Example:
When your daughter tells you she is thirsty, you say:
Would you like the red cup or the orange one?
Would you like juice or milk?
Would you like a lid or a straw?
Would you like to drink it in the kitchen or at the dining room table?

This works with discipline too...
When your daughter shows inappropriate behaviour, you say:
That behaviour is not acceptable in our home (or at church, or at the supermarket, etc.), would you like to spend 5 minutes time out in on your bed or in the dining room chair? If the child refuses to choose, you just up the time and repeat the same question. Again, if they refuse to choose, you just up the time and repeat the same question. Eventually they will see that the time is getting longer and longer and will choose.

The tough part is sticking with it in the beginning. When they refuse to choose (when it's not discipline) or try to give another option, you choose for them and STICK TO IT. This teaches them that if they won't choose from your options that you will take control back and choose for them. It won't take very long until they will choose because they will learn that if they don't you will choose for them and take the control away. If they refuse to choose (when it is discipline) you just keep upping the time and at some point you just stick with it so they will remember the next time that the punishment is worse if they don't choose.

My daughter is now 17 and a wonderful young lady, however, at 2 she was driving me crazy because she was so stubborn and strong willed. This method worked wonders on her. These children won't do what you want them to do just because you want them to do it, they won't do it until they decide to do it and that can be quite frustrating!

Good luck!!!

There is a book called "To Train Up A Child" by Michael and Debi Pearl. If you cannot find it in a store go to NOGREATERJOY.ORG. This is about the 5th time I have recomended this book today, because out of ALL of the parenting books out there this is the ULTIMATE one. And it is a quick read because it gets right to the point unlike others which is like novels. It deals more with training children. Which confused me when my friend gave it to me and told me that. However just a few pages into a light bulb went off. Think about it like this, when you train a new employee, you don't just put them infront of the computer and discipline them every time they hit the wrong key. They need training. In this book they explain how to get your children, even at this age, to do what you tell them to do, immediately, the first time with no questions. Also, the importance of children to be trained that way. In time of danger, it is important for children to immediately, duck, stop, come here. One of the first things I trained my was SSSHHH. I did because my husband works night, and one night we where in the bath room, POTTY TRAINING, and the kids where talking and being loud. Well I heard and noise and was worried about someone breaking in. I kept saying SSSHHH, quiet. Hush and the kids just looked at me and kept on being noisy. Well after just a few nights of training in this area, if i say SSSHH, they freeze, and keep their eyes on me until i tell them it's ok to talk. My kids just turned 2 and 5. This book will not just help, if you use these principles, it will transform your kids.

I agree that she is definitely getting overtired by nap-time. You should try to lay her down a little earlier and see if this might help. I have a 19mo old, he doesn't want to nap in his crib, he usually sleeps on the couch. Maybe not where I want him to be, but at least he sleeps!!
As for the eating, have you tried using a booster seat instead of a high chair?? Maybe she just wants a little more control over where she gets to sit. Mine likes to sit in the "big" chairs also, I don't fight it, it's not worth it.
At this age, everything is really funny to them. I'm sure you are going through a lot with a young child, one on the way, and no husband at this time. It can be overwhelming, try not to let the little things bother you. It took having my 3rd to finally get that - don't sweat the small things. Now on #4, he'll probably run me over!!! Try sometimes to laugh along with her, don't turn it into a control issue. That will just turn into a big tug-of-war later on. My oldest is a control freak, it's definitely my fault for trying to be in control 24/7. Relax, enjoy your time together, and if you can - NAP!!

And on another note - THANK YOU and your husband for your sacrifices for the rest of us !!! Hang in there - it'll get better!

I really feel your pain. My 3 year-old son is very similar, and his dad deploys too. Luckily he hasn't since Matthew was little, but may soon. Our son is very headstrong. He really did better when we changed his bed to a toddler bed and the highchair to a booster. It seems like if something is new and exciting, he does better. I mostly try to make him stay at the table to eat, but will occasionally feed him wherever he is, just to make sure he eats. As for naps, at around 2 he started refusing to lie down in his bed, lots of crying, etc. I hated the idea, but finally consented to letting him lie on the couch with a movie playing. If he was truly tired, he would fall asleep and sleep there. That worked for quite a while. Now I really can't try to force him to nap anymore, even an hour, or he's up until midnight! We just deal with the afternoon grumpys, but he goes to bed so much easier. Potty training was a little tough too...I had to resort to lots of bribes because he wanted it to be HIS idea to go (and it rarely was). One thing you might want to try is something called "daddy dolls". They are sold over the internet and make a photo of your husband into a soft doll she can hug and talk to. They are really neat and have even been on the morning talk shows. Maybe she would lie down with "Daddy". Good luck!

I feel for you!!

1. It sounds like she's getting overtired, then wired, and stays up with adrenaline. Don't make her cry it out. Try setting up a routine, starting AS SOON as you notice any signs of being tired (slowing her play, lying down, asking for bottle, glazed eyes, rubbing eyes/face, yawning, etc.). Try napping with her! At least for a little while. Learn great nap/bed-time tips from Dr. Sears' Nighttime Parenting or Pantley's No-Cry Sleep Solution. Close shades/shut out light, use some soothing music (same music, every nap-time and bed-time) and some simple routine like a story or two, then back rub, then tuck in or whatever.

2. this doesn't sound related, but will work wonders: try actually just letting her focus on whatever she wants to focus on, without directing her attention towards anything (like, "let's read a story!" or "do you want to play with this toy?") for a period of time every day. Just give her some toys to play with and your attention. Let her look at and play with whatever at that time (as long as she's not hurting anything, of course). Don't "interrupt" when she's examining something or playing with, just gently get involved in a way that joins your attention with hers ("you really like that ball. It bounces high!" - the goal is to comment on things and try to guess what she's thinking, giving voice and words to that.)

Just being able to relax within her own mental space does wonders for helping her focus throughout the day. It actually *expands* her focus. This is calming, and empowering, and obviously has an organizing effect - which, in turn, organizes behavior to some extent.

3. Get the Dr. Sears Discipline Book or Becky Baily's Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. You won't be disappointed!

Of course, once you get her sleeping more, some of her behavior issues will settle down immediately, but getting your hands on a good discipline book will make your life so much easier, too.

Good luck with everything, and hope your husband can come home soon!

L.

All the advice for napping is good...you DO need to rest now, since you know it will be very dificult when #2 is born. Once she is on a better sleep pattern, if she still acts out, she needs a calm and controlled firm swat on the bottom. We use a thin wooden dowel for spanking (the Bible calls it a rod).Direct disobedience must be dealt with quickly and consistently. You can not reason with a toddler. Because you say so is perfectly reasonable at this age. It has worked, over time, with our nine.

Naptime was something that I thought was weird at my house because my daughter took two naps during the day when she was the same age as your daughter.
When she woke up at 8am she would be back asleep at 11am and then she would go back to sleep at 3-4.
And then back to bed between 8 and 9 depending on when she went to bed for the second nap.

Her naps weren't long but I noticed that if she didn't get them oh my goodness it was gonna be bad. She just would be rotten for the rest of the day.

Of course, she grew out of it and I am not exactly sure of when but I had 3 other children after her and all of them were rotten if they didn't get their first "morning nap", she was the only one that would take the "afternoon nap".
But I would agree with the others that said to try and put her down earlier and see if that helps.

If you are in the Mississippi or Louisiana area drop me a line. I am an Army Wife too!

Good Luck,
K.