Seeking Advice and Support in Dealing with a Difficult Teen

Hi Mom,

I suggest not giving him an OUT,
NO money,
No Cell
NO TV
NO video Games
NO computer
NOTHING

HE doesnt need a cell, doesn't deserve the privledge

No TV, not in anyones room, not even for a few minutes

REMOVE the video games all together

Change the computer passwards

AND NO money not even for lunch
If he thinks he can do as he pleases then he needs to support that, Don't give him buss fare, lunch money NOTHING
He won;t starve, you tell him to wash his own clothes,and make his own lunch,

If he wants to do as he pleases, he needs to be responsible for himself,

Quite honestly 1130 is no big deal, he is 15 afterall
in 2-3 years he will be out of the house. in College.

HE needs a JOB.

This will help.

Sending him to his dad will not work,

Good luck

M

I too am a empty nester but I have raised 4 kids and all lived through the teen years. One thing I did was changed how I treated my teens. They are young adults and can not be handled the same as the kids. We had a family meeting and let everyone talk about their pet peeve. And then brain stormed ideas. No idea was taken lightly.

What worked for us is everyone in the house had the same rules with few exceptions. We divided the household chores into 5 catagories of what must be done daily. Every day we had to sign up for our daily chore list. My new husband and I included. We allowed the kids to control what level of clean they wanted to keep in their room - Mom butted out. It was their space and they were responsible for it. Only rule, no food or dishes left in the room and the door had to stay shut so I would not see the mess. Twice a year we all cleaned our rooms to "mom's" standards - Christmas and beginning of summer vacation. If they did not clean their room in the time allotted, I would clean it for them. BUT when Mom cleans it she goes through everything and throws away what ever she wants. Needless to say I did not have to clean but one room like this.

Coming home late you had to call - adults and kids alike. It was not asking permission to stay out late, it was just advising the rest of the family of your plans. Once my husband and I did not follow these rules and the kids were worried about us. So we put ourself on restiction. We could go no where but work and home for 2 weeks. It was hard but it taught a very valuable lesson. I never had problems with the kids being out late without a call home again.

I found my kids liked to cook and plan dinner. They all washed their own clothes and have since thanked me for making them do it. When they got to college they were much more prepared for living without Mom.

Hope this helps. Sometimes we have to put our needs aside and change the rules to get kids attention.

Most of this advice is good but keep in mind at 14/15 most boys start to really reach out for independence and sometimes in their mind it means misbehaving. If you try and understand their need to make decisions on their own you can help by saying You don't need to sneak to town, I will give you permission every tuesday (or whatever the situation is). I always told my son who is almost 17, I trust you fully but the moment you break that trust your life will change and you do not want to find out what I mean. (The boy tells me everything). It may not be too late to try this although he has already broken your trust, you can redirect it if you talk with him and say I know you are getting older and need to make some choices so lets do that together. If you prevent him totally from something or seeing this girl he will just sneak out to do it anyway-he has already shown you he will do that. Compromise with him, let him see you are in his corner but there are rules that need to be followed no matter what. Also tell him he cannot treat you with disrespect. I think kids that age need to know you are not the big mean rule maker, you can compromise and be understanding but his safty and future is your biggest concern.
Also as he reaches driving age, you can hold that over his head if needed. Say how am I going to let you drive next year when I cannot trust you now. I let my son get his permit and classes as soon as he could but then only let him go for his lisc. if he was behaving the way a responsible person should, in all areas of his life and maintained a B average. He did and he got his lisc but some other parents held the permit over their kids head and their kids are still not driving. Getting the permit does not hold as much weight as the lisc-because you can taste being able to drive-its only a test away. Then if they fall back, take the car away.
Good luck-sitting down and talking with him is a great start, keep doing that!

Hi W.:
I had a similar experience with my son when he was a teenager. I did not marry his father and he was very rebellious. A lot of prayers and counselling helped. You mentioned that your husband needed to get more involved in their discipline. One of the things that the counsellor mentioned is that the relationship between a step-parent and a step-child is fragile as it is. It is usually recommended that especially when it comes to some form of discipline the step-parent should not be the one to impart it as this could lead to resentment. I think your husband has the right approach. Not to say that he will just sit back and do or say nothing when the children misbehave. With regards to him living with his father, which could help but this could also have a negative effect as your son might think that nobody wants him and feels rejected.
Continue to pray and seek guidance.

NB. Anthony J. in a response mentioned to write a letter. Thank you Anthony as I have spoken to this same son (who is now and adult) about an issue over and over again but I think I will write to him this time.

From. J. G.

Hi W.:
My husband and I had a life long problem with our daughter. The teenage years was just one phase after another but different because when they are big you can't really controll them if they don't want to be controlled. Here are my suggestions:
1. Have him start looking for a job.
2. We nailed our daughters windows shut.
3. If you have an alarm change the code so you will know when he is sneaking out and he can't sneak in late.
4. If you don't have an alarm get one if you can afford it.
5. Or go to Radio Shack and get alarms that can sensor those windows.
6. I would take everything from him and let him earn it back.
You can't take weeks to return anything you have to start immediately. If he has a day where he is not disrespectful give him something back etc.

It really is a wonderful experience for a parent if you know the child has snuck out and you find the windows wide open in the bedroom. Close the windows and lock them and then be waiting for him to come home. The expression on his face will be priceless.

My daughter is now almost 21 and a junior at the University of South Carolina. She is doing great and has learned many hard life lessons and I am sure she is continuing to learn more lessons.

R.

W., I'm sorry you have to go through this. Teens can be tough. You don't say how recent the divorce and new marriage are, but your son may be reeling from all of the changes. My first son didn't know his bio-father until he was about 15, and when I married and my husband adopted him at 12, we went through similar behavioral/attitude changes. You need to set limits and make sure you diligently enforce them. I'd suggest trying to make a "date nite" with him weekly as well. This means that he gets your undivided attention for a few hours every week. A movie, a shopping trip, something. He'll say he doesn't want to, he'll fight you on it, but will truly appreciate (without showing it of course ;) ) your commitment to him. I'd strongly suggest reading "Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy" by Michael J. Bradley. It helped me out immensley with my teen. We started our date nights out in therapy for about a year (at 14) and ended them with movie night every Friday until he moved out of the house for college. While he was still surly and somewhat rebelious, he was more of a 'normal' teen than the mean, angry, disrespectful one he had become early on. He will even admit now that he really needed those dates with me, even though he would whine about missing a Friday night with his buddies at the time. I know that feeling of defeat, where it seems the only thing to do is give up and let someone else try, but stick with it. The end result will amaze you and so will your son! Good luck to you and your family. Send me an email if you want anything else from someone who;s been there, and lived to tell the tale! ____@____.com

It kind of sounds like the "middle child" syndrome. The older and the youger child seem to receive more from you than the middle one. In order to get the attention, the middle one acts out/up.

My son at age 9 was acting up so I decided to nip it in the bud. I called juvie hall and told them that I wanted my son to know where he would go if he didn't abide by the rules in the house. He wasn't bad but he was getting a bit mouthy. They told me to come in about 30 minutes later. We went and they put him in a holding cell and everything next to a 15 year old that was crying for his mother. He stayed there about 30 minutes and then was "released" for a talk. The counselor sat him in a chair and asked questions. When my son didn't answer them quickly he was talked to in a different way. After coming home that night, my son asked me if he could pleeeese take a bath. About a month later he did something I didn't like and I asked him if he would like to go to his other home and he said no. He is 35 soon and still remembers what I did. It kept him out of trouble.

When we have children we cannot be their friend we are their parents. Friendships come after they are 20 and on their own. I have always asked who is the parent and who is the child? Each child responded you are the parent and I am the child. With that said, they didn't act out. Basic rules of the home have to be in place from infancy and enforced with no deviations.

Hopefully you can get your son into counseling before it is too late. If he cannot abide by the rules there is such a thing as emmancipation. Then he will realize what momma meant and have to deal with the consequences on his own. You are only responsible for one person on this earth - yourself. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink at any cost. You have a husband and two other children to work with and care for. Keep your health and faith strong. Pray a lot. Good luck. The other S.

Perhaps you could explain to him that you love him and you need his cooperation for your family to function. This isn't you vs. him, this is "How can we live together as a family?" If he can't be with you in a respectful way I would let him go live with his father. Explain that you love him but you will not tolerate him disobeying you. Another option is family counseling. Even if he lives with his father you will still love him, he will still be your son and you will have a relationship with him. I hope he outgrows this quickly.

Hello W.,

I don't have teens yet, mine are 10 & 5 but the 10 year old isn't far off. I have to ask myself what would I do if either of my kids displayed the type of behavior your son has shown.

My first instinct is that drastic times call for drastic measures. Can you drag him to counseling? That might be a good place to start.

What about fitting locks/alarms/bars on the doors & windows so you know if he's sneaking out? Or sleep in a sleeping bag on his floor so you would know?

Does he respect his step-dad at all?

I would find a way to explain to him that once he's 18, he can do as he pleases, but until he's out of your house, he HAS to live by your rules!

I would check with a mentor program or something. Find someone he can relate to and look up to who is male, and get him together with that person. A coach, a teacher, someone who shares an interest. Is there anyone like that in his life?

Maybe this sounds goofy, but I have been talking to my 10 year old daughter since she was 6 or 7 about career choices, skills, education, what life is like with those things in life and what life is like without those things. At 10 years old I tell her she'll have the rest of her natural life to date boys, but get the education and career down NOW, so she can be independent when she decides to invite a potential guy into HER SPACE!!!

Once after a car accident I had, we had to drive an older model rental with crank windows, and manual locks, etc. My kids FREAKED OUT that there were no bells and whistles on this car. I laughed and used to to explain that this is likely the type of car they will have when they get older if they don't get the kind of education and job to drive a nicer car. A few days later, I was given a $47,000 Infinity to drive as a rental when it came in, and they went wild over it. Loaded, leather trim, push button start, moon roof, the list goes on. I explained they would have to have a very good salary to drive this type of car in life, I can't afford one myself!!! I am surprised it fell in my hands for even a short while.

The point is, someone, somehow, somewhere has to explain & illustrate what this kid's life is going to turn out to be if he doesn't start caring and getting his priorities in line. Find some single teenage mothers and their boyfriends and let them explain how their lives have turned out for them. Find a young successful white-collar couple either with or without planned kids, and let them explain their path to him. Let him see the nice house and cars they drive, and all their cool stuff. Then ask him which path he wants because you are not going to bail his sorry butt out of misery when he makes bad choices that leave him unhappy.

I don't know if you have any religious or spiritual beliefs but if you do, I'd yank them out now and implement them in your life and attempts to get through to him. Maybe he wouldn't listen anyway, I am not sure how unruly he is when you try to talk to him.

I try to teach my kids concepts of God, family, education, career, and independence!! The other very important concept is this, you don't have to make a lot of money to be happy. There are plenty of people living on modest incomes who are perfectly happy. Please illustrate, explain, show him all the different working classes and life-styles so he can choose. Money will never ever buy happiness. HOWEVER, enough money makes life easier and you can do more with it than without it. (buy piano lessons, math tutoring, nice clothing etc.) These are examples I use on my kids. I think most of us might agree it SUCKS to not have money for the things we need or want to give our kids to enrich their lives. Let's face it, we live in a day and age where simple sports or music lessons can cost a lot of money.

Also important concepts are family planning and making important steps in life in the correct order. Education and skills MUST come first. Who cares if he doesn't want to do everything text-book? Find out what he likes and encourage him to find a trade-school or something meaningful. If he wants a Doctorate Degree, find a way to help him reach for the stars! Where there is a will, there is way.

I often use most of my mistakes or my husbands mistakes as examples of what not to do with my kids!!! And now I am finishing an education I should have finished 15 years ago!!! It's darn hard!

Kids learn very well visually, and by experiences. FIND A WAY to illustrate these types of choices and consequences to him. Tell him when he's 18, at that point he can choose. Until then, he needs to follow your wishes! As a last resort, if he can't agree, he may need to move over to Juvey Hall or Military School. I wouldn't tolerate what he's been doing in your house any longer. Please make sure he knows you love him.

Good Luck! God Bless!

Much Love,

D.

W.,

I absolutely disagree with the poster who said 11:30 isn't a big deal because he's ALMOST 15. When I was a teen, I had to be home closer to 10 I think it was, even at 14 and 15. I was not allowed to start dating until I was 16 and even then it was group dates in the beginning. My curfew was still 11 or so then I think it was. Even when I was 18 (senior in high school) and still living at home, my mom still expected me to be home at a reasonable time. Once I graduated high school, then I started coming home when I pleased but even then, I was respectful about it because she had been banging it into my head for the previous 4 years. LOL

He has to know that you will not accept this behavior. I agree with the one post about showing him two different lifestyles and asking which he prefers. The bad thing is, and you probably remember this as well, we all thought we knew everything when we were teens and we didn't believe our parents when they tried to say they understood or had been there.

His window should absolutely have a lock on it. Do you have a security system on your house? If so, arm it after a certain time and make sure he doesn't know the password. If not, put a deadbolt or something on it that only your husband and you can unlock. Try to think outside the box and see what you can come up with to deter this behavior. Whatever you do, do not treat him like a friend. You are his parent right now and that is what you need to be to get respect back. As for the friendship aspect, I've seen it too many times the parents who try to be their children's friend only to get disrepected in horrible ways. There will be time to transition to a friendship the closer he is to 18 because that's the thing that gets me. While he is only 3 years + a little from turning 18, those 3 years are a big deal in maturity and growth when you are a teenager.

Good for you for trying to regain control while you can.

Oh! As for your 3 year old, use whatever terminology you do with him to remind him not to say the things his brother is saying because his brother isn't making a good choice when he behaves that way. I would ask him if it sounds nice to him when his brother talks that way. Maybe it would hit your older son too to hear a 3 year old say it doesn't sound nice or it sounds mean.

Good luck.

HI W.,
I'm sorry you are going thru this...we hit the same stage, to a certain degree with our daughter when she turned 17. Here was this 'perfect' child who never gave us a moments' trouble, who overnight, it seemed, turned into this raging snot who was sneaking out, drinking, and getting sexually involved. We were bowled over and really didn't know what to do. Tried different things that well-meaning friends and family told us, all to no avail. She was not doing drugs, only the drinking (that's certainly enough, considering she had been taught the evils of drink since she was a baby) but I think it was the blatant sex that drove us over the edge.
She had always had excellent grades (private school and homeschool later) and had always talked about college and becoming a makeup artist/stylist in films. But suddenly, she dropped out, and I can't even get her to ATTEMPT to take the GED. She just seemed to lose all vestiges of self-esteem, tho we've always told her she can accomplish anything she sets her mind to. She is almost 19 and is currently living in a rented room with her boytoy in the home of a guy who is let's just say, not a good influence. Her big 'career' is working the swing shift at Dairy Queen, barely making enough to feed herself and the tick she is living with. We live month to month in anticipation that we'll hear 'mom, I'm pregnant' because she won't reliably use protection. Oh, and she's had chlamidia for the past few months, can't seem to get it cured cause she just 'can't say no to her honey and they reinfect each other' Lovely, huh?
I said all that to say this...sometimes you give it your best and that's all you can do. We tried everything short of sitting on her 24/7. We finally decided that she knows we love her, (oh, she is the baby of the family, born after a stillbirth, and very much loved and cherished from day one) we will never stop loving her, but as long as she is determined to live this way, we will not help her monetarily, or provide her a place to live, or anything else. She thinks she is a big girl, she needs to act like a big girl and earn her own way. I think maybe that's what you need to do with your son...he needs to find out the consequences of his actions...on hisown, with no assistance from his parents. It's tough to watch, and you want to coddle and protect them thru the bad times, but you can't always do that. Let the chips fall where they may. He will find out that it's not as much fun as he thought. Our daughter still chooses to live out of our approval, but she has apologized for the trouble she caused when she was at home. Can't win them all, just love them always. Hope this helps. Will keep you in my prayers.

WOW! What a tough spot to be in. I have a 15 year old and luckily I dealt with his issues when he was younger. It wasn't easy mind you because he is bi-polar. But he is so much easier to get along with now.

Sit your son down and have a heart to heart with him. Explain to him that you love him and that you are there to protect him, that's your job.
Ask him what it is he expects of you. Maybe he needs extra time from you that he feels he isn't getting. It can be tough having a 'baby' brother and sometimes mom doesn't have enough time for the older ones. Not intentionally, but it happens.
Perhaps a date night is a good idea. He may be resistant at first but he'll adapt to it. Take him to a movie, or walk around the mall and just ask him what he likes there. Take him to McDonalds for dinner and just talk.

As for a cell phone, I would allow it. But, make him understand that he has to answer it when you call him, or he has to call you immediately after a missed call from you. You can also restrict his phone so he can only call those listed in the phone book and he can only get calls from those in the phone book.
We did this with both of our teen boys and it has worked well for us as we can reach them at any time and they can also reach us to ask about going places.
Make him understand that *if* he wants to go somewhere, he has to call for permission to go first. Also make sure he knows that if he doesn't call, he has no excuse for it and then there will be a consequence for it.

If you give him a phone, don't turn on texting or anything like that, they can block all of that at the company when you buy it. Restrict his calls and give him some responsibility over it.

Please do not send him to live with his father over this. I know it's stressful, but he may be testing you to see what it takes to make you 'get rid of him'. He may be feeling somewhat unwanted and this is his way of acting out on it. If you send him to his dad's over it, then he'll know you will give up on him when he is being bad. You need to show him that no matter how bad he is, you still love him and want him with you.
I went through this with my boys too and I kept confirming to them that they were staying with me and no matter what they did, I was not sending them away. It didn't take long for them to realize that I was serious. I had to deal with my oldest taking off out the door a few times when he got mad at me. The first few times, it freaked me out when he left. But then I realized he would come back home, he just needed a cooling off period, and truthfully, so did I.
I even called his grandfather to go get him once. He went to his grand dad's house and he had to call to tell me where he was. His grand dad talked to him about what was bothering him, and I think that was the last time he ever took off out the door when we were having trouble.
If your son has an uncle or grandparent he is close to and respects, ask them to go pick him up the next time he sneaks out or doesn't come home. Ask them to have a heart to heart with him about it. He may open up to them and it might just cure the sneaking out. It worked for us.

There is a great book that I would encourage you to read. Bringing up Boys(James Dobson). Mr. Dobson talks about the essential role the father plays in a boys life especially at puberty (Emotional and hormonal upheaval). Boys need from their dad or stepdad "what it takes to be a man", a role model to follow after, discipline from a male prospective. This unfortunately we as mothers/females can't fulfill 100%.
Boys need to hear from their dads that they "have what it takes". Divorce can throw a curve in that but this book will help out on all levels(even single parenting).
Good luck!

I have two sons myself, and I am a bit tongue tied. Sounds like you really do have a household similar to me but my cat is a boy and my dog is a girl. Since you have another teenager you know you are doing the right things, you just have one more highstrung than the other. And while I can't give advice, they have to learn the consequences on their own. Not fun, and I am losing my teeth over these guys (really-stress robs you of your vitamin C-but that's another time). One son went in the service, the other is graduated and thinks he is a complete adult though only seventeen still. He did learn consequences and your son will too. As in not being interested enough to do his geomotry,algebra and repeating them. Geomotry had to be repeated in summer school. Not fun for the guy who likes to go to bed at 1 30 now and wake up at noon. The point is there is only so far we can go ourselves. WE can bring them to counseling, but then they have to change we can't do it for them. The best we can do is try to find their strengths and sort of push them into using their strengths for good. If he likes music, get guitar lessons. It's almost like toddlers having to keep them busy for a couple of more years til they realize they can do it on their own. Well, enough said, you have my prayers. It isn't easy. Wish I really could give good help.S.

W.,I know this is gonna sound awful but you need to check your son's room and check into the friends he has (even the girlfriend.I dont want to alarm you but he might be involved with drugs.i know no parent wants to hear that or beleive it about there the child.but your story sounds just like what i went through.i was like there is no way.My family and friends were like dont be stupid.peer pressure is a hell of a thing.my son was doing drugs.when i found stuff in his room hidden and it was an ugly fight.he started right about the time he was acting funny mean to me and falling behind in school.oh and the girlfriend was the one who got him into all this.i sent him to live with his grand parents to get away from everyone.girlfriend)And with alot of work from all of us we were able to help him get back on track.im not saying your son has this going on.Just look into it snoop a little bit.its ok your his mother.Just dont say anything to him.Asking wont give you any answers.Good Luck and i hope you dont find anything.Stay strong.

Hi W.,
I'm sorry that your son is acting this way. My brother n law is a police officer and I remember a story he told us that he was called by a mother who's son was very disrespectful, at the time the boy still didn't believe his mom would actually call them. She did and he was terrified. My Brother n law said they really spoke to him man to man and explained the rules his mother expected of him.
I'm sure if you ever chose to do this your son would get upset at you but I think in the long run he will thank you.
Does he get along with his step dad?If you dont want to get the police involved is there another male he looks up to that can talk to him a guidance counselor,priest. I really hope everything works out for all of you.

It sounds like you have some great advice and that you have handled it very well. I just wanted to add that if his behavior changed quickly, his grades went down and he is sneaking out of the house, you might want to get a drug test from a pharmacy. Pot does change attitudes in teenagers. I went through it with two of my teens and the first one I went through it with (my middle child), I wouldn't believe she would do that even when her dad said he thought she was. It took finding it in her laundry before I believed it. With my youngest child, I noticed the attitude change, his wasn't as bad as my daughters change though, so I watched until I noticed his eyes. I took him to the hospital and had a drug test done which was possitive. In that case I had more trouble because he was hanging around with an 36 year old guy who was giving him pot and working on turning him against us by saying we never gave him any freedom and we didn't have his best interest in mind. I searched my son's room and found some letters from this man (I had called him up and told him to stay away from my son, which caused him to write him letters since I was keeping close track on my son), they sounded like obession. I took these to the police and ended up putting a Child in need of supervision order on my son to keep this man away from him. The police think that he was grooming my son for molestation but I caught it before anything happened. They were ready to arrest this man when he left town and the country for a while, showing up again on my son's 18th birthday. By this time, my son realized what kind of guy he was. Before he would just say "well he is weird, but that is just how he is". It was the most scary time in my life, knowing this man could take off with my son (he was a trucker with no ties to our town) and I wouldn't have a clue where to find him or what was happening to him. So if you are having trouble with your son still, get the drug tests, you can do them at home. Watch it though, they know ways around the tests. Check to see who his friends are... friends do influence your child more then you realize. Get him into counciling to deal with things he is going through so he has a release that doesn't include acting out. Do whatever you have to do to get him straightened out now, it will get worse as he gets older if you don't.

Hi W. , i was reading all of your response's that you have rec'vd i couldnt ignore this one ,i myself just experince the same with my 16 yr old son and like you i am remarried and his father is in another state ,knowing this i gattered from my son that he was wanting to be w/him no longer w/me this past weekend i signed the paper's for him to live w/him for this next year i have given my son the tools and i have tried so many things to help him here with diffrent programs grounded him so many times but it was like going in one ear and coming out the other even his step-father was loving him and all we would do is set him down and talked to him . He was getting nothing but f's in school found him at school all high on pills , and i can go on and on, i felt that my son just as well wanted dads attetion and comfort now .my son for the past year or so kept telling me he just dosen't like it here in las vegas i finnaly gave in not knowing if it was a good desscion or not time will tell but i know i took him out of his element and hes with dad i pray for you and your family but all we can do is show our children the tools to life and how important education is and show them how much we care and love them and hope for the best god bless us all and remember they will be an adult and will come to realize that we just wanted the best for them and at that time they will appreciate us .

W., my heart goes out to you. My oldest son is 15, and the MOUTH on that child makes me say, "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY ADORABLE SON?"

One evening, my son informed me that he was leaving the house, even though he was grounded, and that I could not keep him from it. I told him that if he left over my wishes I would consider him a runaway and call the police. Probably shouldn't have said it, but I did, and he dared me .. "GO ahead - -call them"... and so I did. Two of the most wonderful officers came to my home and I explained the situation. They told him that I had a right to use whatever force necessary to restrain him, because I am responsible for him - -and that if I were hurt in that struggle, it would be his fault. They told him what life was like at the juvenile detention facility, and told him that if he ever left again, that's where he would go - that they were just a call away if he disrespected my wishes.

It was humbling beyond belief to actually have those officers in my entry way, lecturing my son . . . but he was white as a sheet when they left and he has not forgotten it.

I felt so terrified at first when my son would talk they way he did, and threaten, because I hate the feeling of not knowing what's best to do in that situation, and I think I should instinctively know what to do - - and I DON'T!!

One thing that REALLY HELPS is to INVOLVE ALL THREE OF MY BOYS in activities around the house WITH ME. My oldest seasoned a roast for the crock pot, and made an entire meal with the other boys and me helping out. He puts on the horrible music he likes REALLY LOUD and we all mop and dust and vacuum - - and he really likes the togetherness.

He also is a great drummer, and in spite of the NOISE, it helps get out a lot of aggression.

Hang in there! That is a hard one!!

It is also important to talk with him about the importance of grades now and the effect of the GPA if he slacks for college recruiting purposes. Have him start on the SAT questions of the day at collegeboards.com just to keep him thinking. the social life of a teenager can get totally out of hand and needs to be nipped in the butt. the teenager needs an inner focus (other than missing a night hanging with friends) such a goal (hobby, athletic, special interest, even community service- at 14 he can volunteer in a hospital) once the teenager is focused he has an inner excuse not to messup (drink, smoke,lose track of homework assignments...) do spend time and help him try new or deeper avenues to tackle. it is not easy.

Hi, W.~

I read most of your responses and wanted to add just a couple thoughts. I'm a 50 yr. old 'empty nester/Grandma', and love 'mothering'.

I'd recommend the book, "Ten Mistakes Parents Make With Teenagers (and how to avoid them)" by Jay Kesler. It's been around for a while (20 years) but is still full of wonderful insight.

Also, I'd like to reiterate the BEST one-sentence parenting advice I ever rec'd (from my mom, who's in heaven): "Don't say ANYTHING to a child unless you MEAN it!" This means that you do WHATEVER you must to ENFORCE any rules you've verbalized. (I guess another way of wording it would be, 'If you don't mean it, don't say it; and if you say it, ENFORCE it!) This works for babies through age 100! LOL It has to do with your own honesty, integrity, leadership, trustworthiness, compassion, and all aspects of parenting.

You've gotten a lot of advice on how to discipline your son, but not a lot on trying to understand what's going on inside his head.

I have read a wonderful book called "Raising Cain" by Micahael Thompson and Dan Kindlon - these two men who cousel troubled teens all the time. They discuss the things they do to get these boys to start talking about what is really eating at them. It's often a tough shell to crack, but maybe if you read this, you'll get some ideas on how to get to the root of the issue.

They have some used copies available on Amazon.com for just a few dollars. (In fact, not that I think about it, I'm going to order another one, since I gave mine away to t a friend and I need to read it again.

hi, my name is L. and i was struck by your letter. i don't have teenager yet, but my only advice is to not give up on him. his father should be involved in discussions about his behavior . of course he is a teenager, i can remember how i was to my parents, but setting firm rules and consequences to those rules are imperative. sometimes it helps to make a chart to list the rule, list the consequence if the rule is broken. i;m not sure if a 15 year old will respond to a chart, but tough love is tough. have your ex be very involved. but you might be sending the wrong message to your son if you ship him off to his dad in frustration. or he might be doing this for that such reason. anyway, good luck, i hope it works out.

W., who is the one *adult* your son looks up to and doesn't want to disappoint? Teacher? Friend's parent? Coach?

Call that person and explain the situation. Ask that person to have a PRIVATE talk with your son. A conversation that he or she will NOT report back to you under any circumstances. This is for your son.

I taught in an alternative high school for two years, and made clear at the beginning that students could come to me with any problem or question. I would say this in front of the parents, and then would tell the parents that, unless it was life-threatening or something they had to know about it, it would stay confidential between me and their child. I also told the child that they would always know if I was going to share with the parent something they said to me.

A lot of kids opened up with problems and we would talk about it. Most of the time, they were trying to find a way to communicate with their parents and I would play the "bad guy" to give them a safe way to do that, and we would do it together. They knew I was on their side and there to help them. Very very few wanted to disappoint their parents, but they were trying to figure things out and needed help, and I could provide the parental perspective too.

The key element here is that you will not be privy to his conversations with this friend/mentor, nor should you. But I bet you will see some differences over time, and you can feel better knowing that someone else is keeping an eye on him too but with a clearer line of communication.

P.S. - this behavior could also be an attempt to see if your current husband will set limits for him. Kids desperately want and need boundaries because then they feel secure.

you sending him to his dad's is not giving up. Maybe having him go over ther for a week or two would help with relaxing all involved. It will allow time for reflection on all that has been happening and also will get him away from the croud that he's been hanging around for alittle bit. Maybe he will see that living at your house is tons more fun because he gets to hang with his friends and such. Maybe when he comes back you and him can sit down and have another heart to heart and he may open up to more things that are bothering you and you can open up to him more on things that bother you. Growing up these days may seem hard to the kids but they have it alot easier then what we had it when we were growing up. But they also have alot more to worry about in life now then what we had to worry about.
lock up the car keys at night and put an alarm on his bed room window. If you have to track him down at night when he sneaks out and confront him infront of all his friends. Start having a ride ready for him so he can come straight home after school since hes not grown up enough to know he has to be home after school. In my home if you act like a child/baby you are going to be treated like one and if you act like a lady your going to be treated like one. If your going to start calling names then your going to get your mouth washed out and sent to your room until you know how to act your age.

I have teens and tot's too and they are all handfuls. Oldest is 17, 15, almost 12, 7, and 5.

Just read the update...congratulations in making strides towards better communication. My Eldest 16yr old girl is a great kid, Plays sports, gets good grades, works part time..but has begun to talk back CONSTANTLY! And you are right, the younger ones will mimic the behavior. Trying to be their friend and still protect them from themselves by being a good parent is not always the easiest balancing act. Pick your battles (or he will just tune you out all the time because you will be a constant nag) Set parameters, make certain that he knows the consequences for breaking he rules and by GOD, STAND YOUR GROUND> I don;t care if he will miss and opportunity to try out for the olympic team, if his punishment falls during the that time frame, he misses it. Eventually, he will know that you mean it. Be fair. Put it in writing if you must so their is no misunderstanding. Privliges, rules and consequences. That is how life works.
Tell him that you love him, often. Tell him when you are disappointed in him and remind him that you will never , ever stop loving him

Just explain to him that although you love him, you are not going to tolorate this type of behavior in your own home. You have to be firm with him. Grounding only works if they have the fear of punishment, but he may beyond that fear, especially if he's sneaking out. Also, you may consider seeking family counciling...there may other issues here, him wanting to be treated more independently and thinking that your are treating him like a child...a good councilor may help you to see his side, and him to see your side a bit better, and help the both of you to negotiate better behavior out of him. God bless you...my son is not there yet, but I've seen all my friends children go through this...one thing is for sure, most of the time if they have grown up with good parents with good values, they come right back when they get a little older, and wiser.

I am going through a similar situation. I have 3 children, 15yr old boy, 11yr old boy and a 7 yr old girl. I hardly get any help from their father in the "parenting responsibility department". There is are no girlfriend(s), rather older friends that are no good influences for him. To get to the point, my son was like yours. He still is I believe in my heart a great person. He was always very respectable, liked by all, good grades-AP classes, and great in sports (will have a full scholarship to college with a running program). His freshmen year started like every other, very active in school, very enthused about his first year in high school. Then, mid way in the first semester, he told me that he was tired of always being the "good kid" and didn't want to be considered a nerd if you will. That he felt like having some "bad boy" in him. He started not answering his cell phone, or text when I would try to contact him, started being tardy and I would take him to school, and then started skipping, and telling one lie after another, and yes, it is very easy for the kids to skip any class at any time at least in the Pasadena ISD, although each child is and should be responsible for themselves. Long story short, he spent the last month at his dad's house, because I informed him that if he CHOSE to not follow the rules here in and continue to disrespect us, than he would have to leave because I have his siblings to take care of as well as him. Now, he had been given MANY chances to rectify situations and to do things that he wanted as well. I also took his cell phone, even pulling him from starting pitcher on JV baseball team, Varsity track, and any activities that would require after school attendance. If he chose to skip and attend school tardy, why should he have the privilege of attending after school activities? He was informed that he would be given the chance to start over new his sophomore year. So, he chose to go to his father's.

It was hard, and I haven’t given up on him, but tough love is exactly that, tough. You hear it over and over again. A "father" should be involved in his kids/his son(s) life and so forth and so one, but the reality of it all is that we can't control anyone only ourselves. That to me means we can't make anyone do something they are not willing to do. The 15 year old(s) of today seem to think they know it all. Think about this, did we think the same when we were 15? Whether we were a boy or girl? You are doing good, and despite what your son thinks, or thinks he knows, he will one day wake up and realize that maybe just maybe he wished he hadn’t lost so much and will wish one day that he had done things differently. Remember, we did it too. Let’s just keep hope and faith that it will be sooner than later. You and yours are in my prayers. Thank you for writing about your problem. It has helped me with my son by reading the responses. KEEP THE FAITH, HE SOUNDS LIKE HE IS A GREAT KID. YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB.

W. - at this stage may i suggest the following:

At this stage some type of control has to take place. Here in So. Louisiana we have a program where they can be made to attend a type of boot camp that is overseen by the National Guard. It has nip many in the bud and has done wonders.

As you know you have to get to the root of the problem. This could be many reasons. Some have a hard time getting the problem off their chest and it eats them up internallly. In some cases being good in sports festers them into thinking they can do anything. So here may I suggest you write a letter to him pouring out your heart. His stepfather and father may wish to do the same. Remember talking, and this depends on the state of the mind at the time, can just go by the wayside. Something is writing gets ones attention. One never knows he may put it aside and when he is down one day pick it up and it will make sense to him. He may read it and put it down to revert to it at a laer date. You may ask him to write to you as it will give you a better prospective. Some people have to write things to get something off their chest.

Tough love is hard, but at times is a must. If his father has a relationship with him, and by him spending time with his father, particularly if it is a change in surroundings it may help. I am in no way telling you to send him to his father but in many cases it saves a child and this is what it is all about.

I pray that all goes well and that in the future you will obtain many laughs about all of this. Yes it can happen, no one knows what the future will bring.

God Bless

I don't have boys but, I have 3 girls. My oldest is 11. She has already started having attitude problems. I recently attended a class based on the book "Love and Logic" by Foster W. Cline and Jim Fay. They also wrote Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. It teaches kids to be responsible for themselves. Basically teaching them with life skills and consequences. The books have lots of good examples that might help in your problems with your son. I don't normally push books but, I was very pleased with some of the results I have been seing with my three girls. It doesn't work every time but, for the most part I've been letting my children do more for themselves and they are more confident now.

I hope this advice will work. They also have a website www.loveandlogic.com.

Good luck!!!