Seeking Advice About Getting Married with Kids!

i personally have two boys 1 is 10 the other is 2. I love the age difference. They play together and love each other. and there is no sibling rivalry of any kind. They are super close friends. I have never met a child that is close to the siblings close in age (not to say they dont exisist) It was nice to wait between and enjoy all the oldests major milestones and now he can see his brothers.

I personally think you should do what feels best for YOU. If you're in a healthy relationship, and feel you need to wait a few years to wed....then do. If your child doesn't get a sibbling for a few years...then so be it. As long as you're making sure you set a psychologically healthy foundation for yourself...your family will follow, and all will benefit.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision, just don't make those kinds of decisions becuase of your children, do what's right for you...and the rest will fall into place.

As far as age differences go, well I think anything goes, and ANY gap will have it's pros and cons. Too close, two in diapers, two who want to beheld at the same time, but they will most likely be very close too.... Too far apart, jeluose sibling, your used to being a little more independent nowand you go back wards, but older child can help, they will definitly be thier own people, they got to be the only baby for awhile... Pros and cons all over!!!

As far as your son is concered and the whole marriage or no marraige thing goes, well I have never met my "biological" father either and I was raised by my Father a man who has been in my life since I was less then a year and who we lived with my whole life, but didn't actually marry till I was 13. Honestly I didn't care, if he already understands that you guys are a family that is all that matters to him. And all that will ever matter to him.

Good luck,
H.

L.,
I know how you feel b/c I recently was in the same situation. I have a lil boy from a previous relationship. When I met my now husband my son was 2 yrs old and he didn't even really know is bio dad. My son and guy bonded so quickly and he loved my son very much. We ended up getting married in 2005 and it was special b/c my son was our ring bearer and enjoyed it so much; he was 3 1/2 at the time an absoluted loved the attention he got. I am currently pregnant with our 1st child as a family. I always wanted my kids to be close in age also but there is always an acception. My kids will be 4 yrs apart but my next one will be closer.
To answer your questions: I don't think age difference matters a whole lot between siblings. I am 10 yrs younger than my sister and 5 yrs younger than my brother. The good thing about that is I never faught with my sis like my friends faught with there closer in age sisters. Also, I think just as long as you are happy with the man you are with there is no need to worry about the marriage thing; it all depends on how you feel. What's best for your son is what's best for you.
I hope this helps you a little bit.

:) B.

I married my husband when my daughter was 3 1/2. We've been happily married for 4 years now, and we have a daughter of our own that's 11 mos now. We had some trouble because of family interference in the begining. This is a great time to get married, the problem you will face, no matter what, is the fact of the biological father. Step-families are a lot of work. before you get married, get a book or two and read up on it. Most fail because they don't know what they're getting into, it's a lot more involved than people think. One book that I'm reading is "the Smart Step-family" it's Christian based, but the book is well done. Good luck and keep going. Love gets us through everything.

Oh, also, with a seven year difference between our kids, everything works very well. I wanted to have my second earlier, but it couldn't happen. Don't rush kids, build a firm foundation with the three of you, a couple years to set yourselves as a family. Be a solid unit before you add that kind of stress.

I have never been divorced or been in your situation but I am married and I believe you should only get married when it feels right. I wouldn't do it just for your son but for you and your boyfriend. As far as difference in age of siblings, I have a 2 1/2 year old boy and a one year old boy. They are very close in age and it has been difficult at times but they are slowly becoming friends. I hear in the long run it's great to have them close in age because they will be close but I also would have like him a little older so he could better understand having a sibling and appreciate him more. Good luck!

L.,

I think age difference depends on how you guys feel about it. My children are 10,8,6,5,3, and 8 months for me personaly this works. They have their moments when they do not get along but they are all very caring for each other, and a very good about watching out for each other. I love that my children are growing up together. That is great thst you found someone whom your son is comfortable with, I have the same situation, Me and my husband were married once before each other, then we meet. My three year old was only one, he also does not know his dad due to his work situation. To him my husband is his dad and he calls him dad. Some people feel that 2-3 years between is the norm, I think its different for everyone. I hope it all goes well C.

I got married to my best friend almost 4 years ago. We never dated in high school, but if I wasn't with my ex-husban I was with him. I have a son from my marrige with my ex and also have my daughter with my husban now. Thing's could not be better for us. My husban now is also a better father to my son than my ex. They are both miltary, so it is hard for my ex to see our son. I really don't feel age matters between siblings. There is 2yrs and 3mon between my son and daughter. A few of my close friends children are anywhere from 2yrs to 4yrs a part. I feel it is up to you on how far a part you want your children to be.

In my personal opinion I don't think there is anything wrong with not being married when you have children. The important thing is that you love eachother and are commited to one another. It would be far more damaging for you and your little boy if you jump into something you may not be ready for. Children are MUCH more intelligent than we give them credit for and they understand a lot. Just be honest with your son and don't feel bad or guilty for following your heart. If you are happy he will be too.
Hmmm... when it comes to the more children issue. I don't think that is something you should have to sacrifice. Having children can be emotionally and financially stressful.. as I'm sure you know. But I think if you really love someone you shouldn't hold them back. However it goes both ways. I think that's a really tough one. Personally, if my boyfriend doesn't want anymore children I wouldn't marry him. The thought of not getting to have another baby breaks my heart. The thought of not being with my boyfriend also breaks my heart. However, having children is something I have always wanted to do, long before he ever came into my life.. I don't know if that helps?
When it comes to the age difference.. I am the second oldest of 7! I am 4 years younger than my older brother, 1 year older than my twin brothers, 4 years older than my sister,6 years older than my brother and 8 years older than the youngest brother. ( by the way, I only want 1 more baby! and we are not religious.. haha) I get along best with the youngest and we hang out all the time. I think no matter what the age difference you just can't tell how they will get along. I wouldn't worry about it, your children will love eachother (eventually, haha) no matter what the age diierence ends up being.
Whew! I am long winded, didn't mean to write you a novel.. sorry..
-A.

L.,
If you both are ready to get married and feel good about it, then do it. If you both want more time, then I say, take it. The most important thing is to be certain about your decision, either way, because that will affect your son. To him, he's not going to really understand for quite a while about marriage - but he's going to understand if you are happy or unhappy.

Between siblings, you have time yet. Our older boys are 15 months apart, which in my opinion, is too close at times. Currently our boys are 4 and 5 years old and we're expecting #3 in 11 days. We're both very happy with this age separation because they understand more of what's going on- but more importantly, they are old enough to explain things to and maybe help when needed. There isn't a "perfect" age gap between kids - I think it's whatever makes the best sense to you and when you feel good about it. Everyone's situations are different so I would just evaluate your emotiional, physical and financial preparedness to have another one.

Best of luck!

I had a similar situation. Dated someone from high school, and go pregnant after a year. Separated for a over a year then got back together and married 7 months later. We've been married 7 years. Our daughter was almost 3 when we married and was in the wedding but didn't understand what it all meant. She is now 9 and knows we weren't married when she was born but it doesn't seem to matter much. Being a family is what matters. She knows we love each other and love her.
Regarding the new baby situation. My husband and I decided we wanted more when she was 4 and had her sister when she was in kingergarten and another the next year. While she liked to help with the new babies she was old enough to remember having more Mommy time and gets a little resentful sometimes. Giving her a little extra time reading together or watching a movie together helps fix that. On the whole, she gets along with her brother and sister. She likes being in charge as most older siblings do.
My mom has 6 kids, had them is sets of two (13 months - 18 months aprat) with about 9 years between the next set. My sister and I are the oldest and 13 months apart. We fought, argued, and bickered all growing up but now are very close. When we were 9 & 10 my mom had our brother and then another 18 months later. Me being the baby for 9 years, it was hard to give that up. My brothers and I were close until I moved out to start my own family and aren't so much anymore. We don't have anything in common now. I guess in my experience, too close and you bicker your whole childhood, and too far apart you don't have that strong bond. Somewhere in between 3-5 years seems to be the key. Don't know if that helps at all but seeing another's situation gives you something to compare your's too.
K.

Hi! I have learned from several experiences that close in age and far in ages has it's own ups and downs. To begin, I too am 26 years old and Married to my highschool sweetheart. I have a 3 1/2 year old and a 8 month old. Both boys and I can tell you that my boys play together all the time and though their ages are slightly far apart it helps with keeping big brother looking out for little brother. My older son has learned so much from having a sibling but I wanted them at least 3 years apart. I come from a family of 6. 3 boys and 3 girls. My sisters are far in age from me and all three brothers are close to my ages. I was close to my brothers because we could all do all the same things and they are 1 1/2 year older, 1 year younger and 2 years younger from me.I was very close to my baby sister because I would look out for her and protect her. She is 6 years apart from me. Today I have the best relationship with my baby sister and I get alone with my brothers but not real close anymore. My older sister is 3 years from me but has been Jealous of me since I was born. We tryed to build a realtionship but she has to much hate for me I guess. I learned alot from my brothers but also alot from me baby sister in another sense. My husband only comes from a family with 2 kids. Him and his sister who is almost 5 years older. Talking to my mother-in-law she tells me that the 2 didn't exactly get along but they did play together and they are the best of friends today.I guess it depends on what is more important to you that your kids do. Get along and play as kids or grow up to be close.It can be both ways because I am close to my baby sister and I was close to her as more of a role model growing up. How ever far apart your childern turn out to be it will work out fine and it is probably for the best. If you truly want to get married then do as yor heart wants. I understand that your son only knows your boyfriend as dad but it would be wrong to marry soneone for that very sake. You should know if you really want to marry him and you should also know if he is the best dad for your son. You should never allow age differance for your childern to be an issue. They will be as far or close as they are meant to be and remember they both have good and bad aspects to them. You can only learn and grow from all the situations that will come your way so it's important to take care of the here and now. Dont worry so much about the future as it will be as it is meant to be. I hope I have helped you at least a little bit. Let me know how it turns out. Take care.

Hi,

So I am in a similar situation. I was pregnant when i began dating my husband. Our little girl is not biologically his. We are now in process of adoption. My child also has a half sister by her biological dad. She is 4 months older than my child. Anyway, giving a child a stable environment is important. However, only you and your mate know when it is time to marry. I think going to God was important for us. However, both marriage and family can be stressful at times. I hope this advice helps.

K

I was in the same spot as you are. My sons father was in and out of my sons life. the man I was dating loved my son and my son loved him. We finaly decided to get married. He had been in my sons life for almost all of it. We got married the month after my son turned 5. I think your son will have no problem no matter what age he is. He's happy just having all of you being a family already. So don't feel you need to rush before he gets older or that you need to wait until he's older. He'll be ok no matter how old he is. My son is now 15 and my husbund adopted him when he was 9. So don't worry about his age when you get married. he'll be just fine either way. your son will still ask questions about marriage latter. Because he will still be learning what marriage is.
As for having another kid. It doesn't matter if they are 1year apart or 7years apart. as long as you show them both that u guys love them the same amount. My daughter and son are 7 years and 1month apart. sure they have there fights like normal but they love each other.

Your son will be happy as long as you are happy. Every family and each person is going to have a different view or opinion on this matter. The only one that REALLY counts is yours and your boyfriends. Trust your instincts as a mother and as a women and do what is best for you and your family =)Hope it helps-

Hi L.,

I think what would truly be best for your son is for everyone involved in this situation to be happy, stable, and secure. It sounds like you have a few reservations about being married again. This is perfectly normal since your first marriage did not work out. I understand the fears that may lurk in the back of your mind. I, too, was married and divorced. When the time came to get married again, I was bombarded with all kinds of "what if's", and I probably visualized every tragic scenario that a family could go through. But deep down, I knew that I wanted to be married again, and the man who wanted to marry me was the absolute perfect match for me, and I, him. What I'm trying to say is that if this is the right decision for you and your son, you'll know. If it's not, you'll know. You know yourself, and you know how to make the right decision. I wish you the best of luck. Take care.

K.

Well I think first before you think about your son you need to find out how your boyfriend feels about getting marriend and if he wants kids. Figure out what is best for the 2 of you first. I met my now husband when my oldest was 2 1/2. He was 4 when we got married. I never once told my son to call my husband Daddy he did that on his own and my sons Biological father was kind of in the picture. He did see him but not often. If your boyfriend and son like each other then get marriend when the 2 of you are ready. Dont rush into it if you are not sure of your future. Kids are great they adjust so easily. Good Luck!

Also we tried for 5 years to have another child. My oldest was 8 1/2 when my 3 yr old was born. And my 3 yr old was 2.5 when my twins were born. Its nice having them further apart because its like having an only child again and you get to give your second child just about as much attention as your first. My oldest was a little Jealous but not as much as my 3 yr old when his sisters were born. Having an older child when you have #2 is good also because you have a helper. My oldest is such a big help to me. Good Luck

A. Mommy of 4

IF A MAN CAN EXCEPT YOU AND YOUR SON. TAKE HIM! THATS A REAL MAN. NOW DAYS IT'S HARD TO FIND A GOOD MAN WHO IS VERY EXCEPTING OF A WOMAN WITH KIDS. ESPECIALLY IF THEY AINT HIS. MARRY HIM AND MARRY HIM QUICK!!!!!!!!!! YOU GO GIRL.

I am on my second marriage since my son was born. His father and I are great friends... bad life partners! My first husband, controlling jerk, lasted a year. My current husband, not controlling jerk, been together 3 years, married 14 months... we blended my son and his son and two daughters, whom we both have full time so things are shaky, we have yet to find paradise on our map of life, but we're looking!
With that said, here is my opinion. If you're going to get married... there is no question of "are we/aren't we", there is only a question of when... then what is the difference? I understand some people needing to work on themselves before getting married, etc. but you need to ask yourself... what changes if we're married? You live together, right? Your son sees him as daddy. He sees your son as daddy. You're already commited to the point of no return unless you totally uproot things, correct? So... a ring on your finger and your signature on a peice of paper is going to make it different? I think the real question is... how important is it to you and your boyfriend, that you set the example of "you should be married/committed if you're going to live together, etc."? If that is very important to you, then yes... I say get it done before he is old enough to realize that you're hypocritical for saying that (not saying you are a hypocrit). If that is not important to you, then wait until you feel the time is right. Don't rush into something just for your son and what you're showing him... but don't hold off on something you want out of fear of it turning out like it did the last time.

If you are thinking of getting maried now is the time. I think today's society has just flung the idea of marriage right out the window. I am afraid to see what our children's view on marriage is going to be. Little girls won't dream of fairy princess weddings and the wedding industry is going to take a huge dive. It is going to ba all about when can we shack up and oh we might as well not bother. I am not a religious person or anything but I do believe in values and passing them down to our children. At 2 1/2 your son wont know any difference. Get Married asap! What are you waiting for? Your son can truly have a father. Not just "my mommy's boyfriend"

I think that when you marry is not important as far as your son goes. The relationships within the family group is what counts. Marriage is really just a legal arrangement. How you and your boyfriend feel about that is what is the most important.

Whenever you marry your son will still know the facts when he's older. It is the relationship that counts.

GETTING MARRIED TO THIS MAN THAT YOU LOVE, AND LOVES YOUR SON IS A GOOD THING, TO BOTH YOU AND YOUR SON, SINCE HIS FATHER IS NOT REALLY IN YOUR LIVES. TIME REALLY SHOULD NOT MATTER AS THE MAN YOU LOVE WILL STILL BE THER FOR YOU BOTH EITHER WAY.. I WAS DIVORCED AND HAD 6 KIDS WHEN I MET A MAN AND WANTED TO MARRY HIM AND MY SON AT THAT TIME WAS 2 YEARS OLD WE MARRIED AND HE HAS RAISED MY KID'S FOR ALMOST 11 YEARS NOW.. DON'T BE AFRAID FOLLOW YOUR HEART. GOOD LUCK, A.

Well I am having a hard time wanting to say this. But if u marry thats good, but if u go on acting like he's the father. Ur son will evenually not trust u. Always tell the truth and have ur sweetheart do the same and find a area where u 2 can come together to raise him and let him know that the man u r with is ur daddy by marriage. Don't lety this change ur relationship and if it does omg watch out. It won't work. Believe me. I have been through it.

Wow this sounds like me and my husband....we are 37 and have been back together for the last 13 years and married for the last 9.I also have a son from a previous marrage since we were apart..my son is now 17 and our daughters are 15 and 10..my husband was the only man my son could or can call a dad..I know that for a man to accept or even want to be another mans childs father are far and few between..I would grab than man and thank the heavens for such a man. I know I have many a time and will for the rest of my days.anyone can be a father,But it takes a special one to be a daddy..:)

Wow, you got a lot of responses and some excellent advice. I agree with the people who say you should do what feels right to you and your boyfriend. And from what you said it sounds like you and him are on the same page about marriage. However, I do agree with the one person who said she believes in passing down family values to our children. Another person said that marriage is only a legal arrangement and not that important in creating a family, but I think it's more than that. Marriage shows committment, a bonded pair. I think a live-in relationship is too easy to walk away from and people who don't want to marry are afraid of being committed or "stuck." Again, my opinion. I also agree with the person who said it would be good to marry while your son is young so that he will feel he is your man's child as much as any other children who may come along. I wish you good luck with your decision and much happiness in life.

My first 2 kids are 11 mos and 10 days apart. Too close. The next one that came along was 4 years after. Too long. I would suggest 3 years. Baby should be potty trained and not too hung on being the one and maybe more acceptable to being a big brother/sister to another one. For girls...anything after 3 years is being on a different planet until you get to be 18 or 19 then they kind of mesh. With boys, it doesn't matter. Cause the boys are juvenille minded that they can span between 3 to 5 years without feeling the difference.

If you 2 are planning on raising the child you have together, and you really want to get married, I would suggest you do it ASAP. Cause when the next one comes that belongs to the 2 of you that first one will feel more connected instead of that being his baby and him being your baby. I'm wondering, is your ex-husband going to relinquish custody so that this one can adopt or do you want this? Whole lot of stuff to think about and discuss. Good luck! R.