"Seeking Advice About Brother-in-law"

You set the rules, so stick by them. If he didn't have something to hide, he'd give you the passwords. There's always the public library's computers for him to use, and when he goes to college, there is a computer lab available to all students. You would be wise to require him to fend for himself.

Hmm...well, I don't know what he did or what his age but I wouldn't want to divulge my e-mail passwords to anyone either. It's just a sense of privacy. Something has to be private. However, I don't know what he's done. Something to think about -- he CAN get an educational loan and get his own computer if that's the case.

Do not make an issue out of this. He can use the computer at the library. You do not need to have his passwords.
so no need for computer at home for him.

you have recieved a lot of advice re your dilemna and I know you will work out the best for your family. My comment is, when does a person pay for a crime and is then allowed to live a normal life, trust must be earned, but when do we give them that opportunity? Will we forever say oh excon watch out or can someone meet your brother in law and just see a man trying to pull himself up from life choices.
I know ex cons that made it thru and are now productive family members and business owners. They learned about choices and began making better ones for themselves.
This may not apply at all in your case, just an observation.

I understand he needs to follow your house rules, but seriously, why would you need his email passwords, is he not an adult? I might monitor the sites he goes too, but not his passwords...Now if he's a minor, that's a different story, by if he's a grown adult, I don't understand why you would need it...
Sometimes schools help pay for a laptop I'd have him get that...

I feel you here. We just went through all of this with my sister-in-law. (She moved out a little less then a year ago)It is SO hard. Put the computer in a public place if it isn't all ready. Put a internet nanny on and password protect the computer require the password after the screen save kicks in. You can restrict what access he has and still give him the access he needs to do school work. It also means no one is surfing the web without your knowledge because you have to put the password in. It was sad we had to put our parental controls down to that of a 12 year old. This does nothing for his e-mail but if you are to uncomfortable about him having the e-mail access then ask him to check that at the library He can also get on any social networking sites form there too. I don't know how long he has been out but if it is recently you have a long road in front of you. He feels like this is a personal attack I am sure but it isn't and you should try to explain that. This is about the safety of your home and your children and that because he has a record that alone put that at stake. If this is your first conflict prepare for there to be MANY more and yes you will have to compromise more then you thought you would have too. Especially considering "My house my rules", which I tottaly understand and that was how we went into it too.

when he enrolls in college, his fees pay for the computers at school. if he cannot abide by your house rules for using the computer, he will have to trek to school or the public library.

Stand your ground. You have been gracious to provide your brother-in-law a place to live while he gets his life back on its feet. In order for him to get off to a good start, he must understand that abiding by the house rules is just a part of life....for everyone. If he won't divulge the passwords, his option is to use the library computer.

You are doing a very good deed by letting him stay with you and you need to stick to YOUR rules. Be consistant. He should appreciate you and respect you, you owe him nothing but are giving him so much. You cannot let him take advantage or let him make you feel bad for setting guidelines there are alternatives for computer use.
May God bless & be with you and your family.

LB,

I think you are doing a wonderful thing by taking your brother-in-law in and giving him a room. I don't think you're being unreasonable to have rules in regards to computer use and I don't think he's wrong in not giving you his passwords. If you are concerned about how he will use the computer, then don't allow him to use it, period. You definitely shouldn't put yourself in the position of monitoring him. That will create more tension. He doesn't have a right to your computer just because he lives there. He can get access in computer labs at college and at computers in public libraries. Part of being an adult is having privacy but he also has to take responsibility to keep his privacy, which means finding another computer to use. Having family live with you is always a stressful situation and many little things can get blown out of proportion. If everyone treats each other with respect you guys will find a middle ground. Good luck!

I agree with a lot of others. As tough as it is, he will need to find somewhere else to live. We have been in a similar situation with my husband's adult brother & he lived with us for about 3 months. I tried to let my husband handle the situations b/c it was his brother, but I had to step in sometimes b/c of the kids. Be strong. You are trying to help, but if it is disrupting your family too much, it may be time for him to find somewhere else to go. If it wasn't the computer, it would be something else that he was hiding. You have to be careful with the internet & what he is bringing into your house. Blessings~

Your house, YOUR rules. If he has nothing to hide then he should have no reason NOT to give you the passwords.

Why do you need his passwords? just put spy ware on his computer and he wont know you are checking up on him. talk with a computer specialist about how you can do it and what your options are. but he should have his own passwords.
He has paid his debt so he is entiteled to SOME privacy but you can still use the spyware.
hth
A. J

My personal opinion:

my house, my rules.

stick to your guns.

That may be too hard for some, but that's how I would feel if he were in my home.

brother-in-law can utilize the college campus computer or bum around a computer sans your home computer. he's an adult let him figure out how to make it without certain privledges. i did not have a computer in college and graduated without problems. i utilized the college, public library, friends, family computers while i did supply them with paper and the occasional food supply, it can be accomplished by determination. so do not sweat it... leave the guy alone. and if he gives you a difficult time, tell him to grow up.

I would ask him to leave. If he can't follow the rules then he needs to move on.

YOUR HOUSE, YOUR RULES. And colleges have computer facilities in libraries. Enough said.

I've read the responses you've received. You guys are generous to allow him to live with you. Yes....he's family but you all are not responsible for him. You are responsible for your family.....you, your husband, and your children. You did not take him to raise. YES>>>>>I am a Christian. Yes....I've had my little sister live with my husband and myself on a couple of different occasions and it was huge drama. My husband tried the "we can't charge her or put rules on her cause she's family" and she disappeared once leaving a huge long distance phone bill and then the next time had bad men over while we were away. We were trying to show her love and help her get a new start and she wasn't ready for that. You all have to stand together and take care of each other. You've offered him a place to live and you pay for that place, you pay for the electricity to run the computer. He needs to abide by your rules. If not you need to say, "Hey, we love you and want the best for you" and let him go. It's time for him to grow up, quit bucking authority and realize it's not all about him.

It's important that you guys continue to stand together on whatever decision you make. I know it's hard to make the hard choices but you can also destroy your own while trying to please someone who doesn't want to grow up. You shouldn't have to live with tension in your own home...there's enough troubles you have to face without adding more:)

Blessings to you! J.

Dear LB,

It's your home. Your rules apply. You should be commended by taking your brother-in-law in. Kudos to you and your family! Bro-in-law needs to abide by your rules or find his own place to live.

Nuff said!

Deb D

You might want to try a different route. You could try install a keystroke logger that records keystrokes, passwords, messenger chatting, visited websites, run applications, opened windows etc. Here's a website where you can see the different ones: http://www.keystrokeloggers.net/
I think you can block certain websites too. But you don't tell them you put it on the computer and then just see what they do, it will also give you their passwords.
Good luck!

You can install a program that will tell you every single key stoke he types. You'll see what websites he visits and you can record his passwords if you'd like. He'll never know. Ive had it on my computer when my nephew stayed with us. It was about $80/year and I'd get an alert e-mail if he ever visited a site that was off limits.
I cant remember what it was called, though. But I'm sure you can google it? Maybe someone else knows what its called.

A rule is a rule. If you bend on this, he will want you to bend on something else. Plus, you are teaching your kids a lesson that when there are family rules, everyone must abide by them.

I agree with someone else that said the computer should be in a busy part of the house where all can see. Put a password on the computer that must be used to access the internet. Also, I don't think there is anything wrong with spyware if you decide to go that route. Personally, I would tell him you have it so that he is completely aware that you guys are watching. If he doesn't like it, he can use a computer elsewhere.

Some people have suggested that you aren't giving him the opportunity to earn your trust by asking for his passwords. WHAT?? So you need to forget your rules, put blindfolds on, put your convictions aside and HOPE he doesn't do something wrong??? He earns your trust by actually going to school, getting a part time job, making good grades, staying out of trouble, etc.

Good for you and your hubby for giving him a second chance. Stay strong.

LB,
There is spyware you can download that records every key stroke made on the computer and you would be able to see a screen shot as well. My parents had this on our computers at home when I was a teenager and that's how they kept tabs on me. Even if I erased the history, they still knew. That would clear the tension and make him feel a little more trusted while at the same time, letting you keep up with what's going on and he will have no clue.

My advice is kick him out. I think that you are being way too nice letting him stay there in the first place, especially if he is not following the rules and won't cooperate! I don't know what crime he committed, but I am assuming that it is nothing violent since you are letting him live in the home with your precious children. I guess we should assume it was a nonviolent, nonsexual crime, like theft, or breaking and entering? If you do let him stay there, I hope that you stand your ground and stick to your rules. Do not allow him computer access unless he gives you the passwords as you have requested. Stick to it. Be firm. You are being awfully nice letting him stay with you and your family. But make sure that you and your husband put your own family first while he is there, and if he interferes with any of that or causes you all problems or creates tension, don't hesitate to kick him out and feel good about it! You sound like great people to try to help him!

Its very simple. Your house...Your rules. If he doesn't like it, then he can get out.

I completely understand your wanting his passwords. As a parolee, he has certain restrictions. Since he is living with you, you can be held responsible for his actions. The last thing you want is being accused of enabling him in a crime. Also, if he does something illegal through your computer, he can just as easily say that it was you or your husband doing it. Or that you all knew all along what he was doing, but didn't stop him.

Let him use campus computers. Libraries are open very late so any research he needs to do can be done there.

Just my two cents.

Your house, your rules. Tell him to go to the library to use the computer!!

Just a word of advice since it's what you came here for...

Your house, your rules. Understand that even if he gets his own computer, if he uses your internet connection via wireless router, etc, it's in YOUR(or your husband's) name and would be implicated in whatever he does on the web.

You are giving him a second chance, but you are also opening your family up to risk. Yes, he might be entitled to a little privacy, but again, y'all are taking on risk by having him in your home and if he doesn't want to honor that then he isn't being completely honest IMO.

a person has to be responsible for their actions, and if he wants to live at your house, he should be grateful that he has a place, and a computer to use. If it was explained in a non-abrasave way that the reason for the password, is so there won't be anything on the computer that you an your husband could get in trouble for, and that he should understand, it isn't just to be nosy, it is to be safe.

You can check out www.webwatchers.com and install a monitoring device on the computers.

I don't know what the severity of his incarceration was but it seems like it was enough for you to have to watch him closely. He needs to understand that you are going beyond the call with this man in you home and your 2 school aged children. Very impressionable with whomever enters your home.
Stand strong. If he wants access to something he needs to give up the passwords, etc. OR even go beyond and you set up the accounts for him. If he wants to go to school then he needs to follow rules.
IMO if he doesn't like it, then he can go somewhere else.

It's very kind of you to allow him to stay there since I am sure this is a very tense situation for your whole family. My first thought was what was the reason he was incarcerated. Did it have something to do with computers? If that were the case I would in no way back down from your rules. If it's not then you might want to weigh the pros and cons of allowing him to use the computer. Another option could be that he gets a computer for himself unless that does not make you comfortable. I'm sorry I don't have better suggestions. I feel for you, it's a tough situation. Good luck!!

Go to www.spectorsoft.com

And if any of you have teenagers, you also need this software on your computer!

I say your house, your rules. If he doesn't want to give you his passwords, he can go to the library and use a public computer, or one at the college where he will attend. If this is inconvenient, he always has the option of following your rules to use the computer at home. He is making a choice, and if you give in on this, it sets a bad precedent for other choices he may make against your wishes. I think you are being very generous in providing him a home, and he should respect your rules whether he agrees with them or not. It also would set a bad example for your kids to see you backing down on this. He has options, so stand firm.

I think the college has computers there.

Tell him he can use those for his courses.

Keyloggers will get his passwords...but he'll change them every day if he needs to in order to make sure you don't have access...

Who's the tension with...you and the BIL or you and your husband??

If its with the BIL...who cares...you aren't the one who got in trouble..HE IS...and odds are he doesn't pay for the service...so until he pays for it...he'll have to abide by the house rules.

You have two kids to think about...

I'm not sure with two kids I would have let him stay with me anyway...

And I'm wondering what he has to hide...

And if he is trying to hide something...why would you want that in your house?

Just askin...not judgin...

Good luck to you.

This is simple. Password protect your computer at log on. He is not allowed on unless he accepts your rules. Be sure to use a password he will not be bale to guess.

AND You can give him his own log in (not administrator access) and use Parental Controls on his setting. Whenever you log on it will alert you to look at his usage log and it will also deny him access to Rated R sights (you choose the level).
~~~~~~~~~~~
Go to Control Panel of your computer. Select User Accounts. Add or remove accounts. (Add his)Then return to control panel/user accounts and select Parental Controls. Way less stressful.

OR Is he an adult?

Ask him to save his money and buy his own computer. He can use the school's computers and the library computers. They monitor all activities and you don't have to do it.

Going back to school to further his education? Good for him. I hope he does and gets another start on his life. After a semester or two he probably will start feeling good about things. People will talk more about his school than his lawbreaking days.

Kudos to you for taking him in.

C

You have set the rules. It is his choice to follow them. You have already gone WAY beyond the call of duty...If he isn't being thankful for your sacrifices to help him out, he should find somewhere else to live.

You should not feel guilty. This has NOTHING to do with you. It is his choice.

I am shocked at all the heartless people who are saying because he won't give you his computer passwords to kick him out?! This is unbelievable. You are setting him up to fail, and if you were not more committed than that, you wouldn't have let him come live with you in the first place...I get that.

I don't personally understand what you are trying to accomplish by needing his passwords? Also, spying on him with spyware is even worse, only without his knowledge. There is seriously something wrong with that entire picture. You are, by doing that, setting yourself up to fail. By becoming anyone's police/warden, you are going to make your life hell. Are you trying to make sure he doesn't do something illegal on your computer? If you can't trust him to not do that, you have other issues...because he will do it elsewhere (inside your home....do you not have a telephone??).

Good luck, sincerely, what you are doing is hard, and unfortunately there is no support from the penal system to reintroduce people into society. I wish you and your family the very best.

Congratulations for your attitude! you are doing the right thing for your children. Nowadays you cannot be tooooo careful because even though computers are great, they are also great for access to 'forbidden' web pages and if you have children who use the computer too....... yes, that could be bad.
How about helping him get a used computer, maybe he can work and help pay for it? something that is not top of the line but yet he will have access to the web for when he goes to school and needs one. Laptop sales are greast and you can get one for less than 400 ( I did), wireless connection to your computer like I have to my desk computer. What he does with his computer is his business.
You are a big hearted person, everybody deserves a chance and your brother in law falls in that category. I wish you the best.

Can't follow the rules...you can't stay. He has proven himself untrustworthy so he has no right to demand trust/privacy in your home, including the computer.

It's very generous that you open your home to your brother in law, but don't mistreat him. You should give him his privacy, his passwords. If he's old enought to attend college classes, he's old enough to handle his own passwords. He's a parolee, that means he paid his time to society and he has already been judged. Your helping him to acclimate back into society can be repaid with his contribution in doing some chores around the house.

With respect to computer privledges. You can block inappropriate websites and let him use the computer.

Or, ... you can have him use the computers in the library.
Although I find it unfortunate that you would hinder his ability to use the computer at night, most college papers are written into the late hours.

Your wonderful husband loves his brother. Help him accomplish something wonderful, he's already had a setback.
Your wonderful school-aged kids will learn from you......
they can learn to be compassionate or mean. Watch what you teach them, God will be judging you.

all public libraries have computer access, so that's another option for him. He can get a visitor card and get access that way. As long as he's in your home, stick to your rules.