Seeking Advice About a Very Personal Issue.

Sometimes God does a really special thing. We are born into the family he gives us. We look like them and sometimes act like them. But, sometimes when he thinks we need a little something extra special he will give us another family. Those are the parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins that are the families of our hearts. They are just as much family and they love us just as much. I am blessed to have both kinds of family. It isn't the dna that counts, but the love. THAT is what makes us family. That has been my experience and if I was in your position that is how I would explain it. It is a gift and nothing less.

As to the family they should probably be told in the nicest of ways to shut up. Dan decides how many children he has and no one else. They should be reminded about little people having big ears.

I have not been in your shoes, but I will try to be for just a moment. Continue to be honest with your kids at the level they can understand. "Others do not know what they are talking about" works well, as they really do not. Telling them that your husband is their Daddy works too, as he is their father that is raising them both. Not all doners want to be a part of a child's life, so pointing out that her sister would also visit the other Daddy does not work well. Sometimes the least information is the best. You have a good attitude and it sounds like your husband supports you. Maybe he can talk to the relatives and well-meaning friends and point out that they are all God's children and his too and they should all treat them with love and kindness.

Honesty is great but coming from someone who will sooner or later be in this situation, tell your family to shut up. it's isn't there place to run their mouths and for all real purposes he is daddy and she is his little girl and has alwyas been. just because he wasn't in teh delivery room doesn't make your daughter any less his first baby, he was there when she was sick and changed diapers ect and so on, what if you had really both adopted her, would they still be running their mouths when the kdis are still so young or would they have the manners to keep their mouths shut? i think they are very out of line.

You have gotten a lot of good advice, and I basically agree with it. One thing I might add is why don't you have your husband legally adopt your second child? The oldest one seems to have a father who cares somewhat about her, but (especially as she gets older), your second daughter might feel supplanted by the third child.
If you were to make her , legally, your husband's child, then you could say how he really is her dad in every way.
I don't think it is too difficult or expensive to legally adopt if the donor has never been involved. I'm not even sure you have to involve him now, unless he signed the birth certificate.

J.,
It sounds like Dan needs to be the one to stand up and say, 'how can this be my first, when I already have 2 beautiful little girls at home?' or 'we are welcoming one more into our great family!'...something to that effect. He needs to be the one to quelch those loose tongues.

Good luck to you and congratulations!

S.

Hi J.
I had to make a choice about what to tell my child and when and how, just in a different situation.
I had him as a fosterchild since he was 6 month old. He doen't remember the visits. We adopted him at age 3. They told us to tell him the truth from the geginning, that he had a birth mom and me , an other father, and brothers and sisters. Well it was weird trying to explain to a 3 year old all that. But we did. He asked questions for 2 minutes and that was it. He asks about it every ones in a while and we answer him honestly. He knows he's adopted and his parent's could't take care of him. We didn't tell him the details. He will find out only a small tiny bit from us about that. when he's grown we will tell him if he wants to, but for know its this. He needed a mommy, because his mommy couldn't take care of him and I needed a baby, because I couldn't have one of my own; and God decided we needed one another. He is happy with this and he's 6 and a half now. Tell them the truth in a simple way and they will ask some questions. Its easier now and when they get older they will come with more when they are ready. But they will not be mad, they will be curious and trust you. And if you should have a problem, by all means see a councelor, but I think they are still to young. They will not quite understand everything. But don't lie to them it will make it harder later.
Hope I could help a little.
Michi

Hi J....well, you said it yourself...you just need to tell the people that are saying these things that you will explain this to her in your own way and when you feel it is the right time. Tell them that it is not your intention to keep it from her forever!

Sounds like you have a beautiful family...good luck with the birth of your new baby and the situation-at-hand...have a great day :) !!

D. R.

I would explai the truth to the oldest, I thik she's old eough to uderstad. As for your yougest, I would suggest that you talk to these people ad tell them you would appreciate it if they wou't say thigs like that. That the truth about the timeig of her birth is somethig your ad your husbad get to decide, ad ot them.

I really hope this helps.

PS, A letter of my keyboard is dead. I hope you uderstad what I'm tryig to say.

J.,
I haven't read any other replies I can't imagine what the advice would be. I think it sounds like you've done a really good job being honest so far. Maybe you could tell your 7 year old that Dan wasn't able to be there for the birth before and that's what people are talking about. And then tell the family to back off a bit. THEN pat yourself on the back and be proud that you're being honest and trying to do the right thing for your kids. I'll say a little prayer for you.
T.

I have been in that situation. My first daughter was conceived by a doner, as we also like to call him. I met my husband (ex now)when she was about three months old. From the very beginning he was her "dad." The family, especially his, understood that she did not know about her doner and that one day I or we would tell her and it was not to be mentioned. I also had the fear that she would find out by a cousin or aunt before I had a chance to tell her. Well, she didn't. I decided to tell her when she was 16, when I felt she was old enough to handle it and understand it. I should also mentioned that my husband (ex) and I had two children together. The younger kids were kind of weird about it at first saying things like "she's not my real sister" but that soon passed and it wasn't said in a hurtful way. My daughter handled it very well and really had very few questions about her doner and still does not have any desire to be involved with him. She also gained more respect and love for her "dad" for taking on the responsibility. Today it is never mentioned. In her eyes, her siblings' eyes and the family's eyes, my ex is her father. She is 23 years old and graduating from college this year. I am very proud of her. Things will work out. Explain to the family your concern and express to them that you would like to wait to tell your children when they are old enough to understand the full magnitude of the situation and can appreciate what your husband has done.

I also have to face this dilemma.I have a 4 1/2 yr old son who has a "donor".I like you don't think now is the appropriate time to tell him about his donor.My husband has been in his life since he was 4 months old.My husband is his dad in every sense of the word as well.But my son has seen his "donor" but has no idea who he is.He isn't ready to understand that.
His donor doesn't want anything to do with my son.He doesn't see him and doesn't even call.When I was pregnant he wanted me to have an abortion and told me that at 26 i was ruining my life.I don't believe in abortions.So that was totally out of the question.
It came close once when i made the remark about my son acting like his daddy.and my stepson make the comment Which one.I was furious.It isn't his place to say anything about this.Luckily my 4 yr old didn't hear this.I don't want to explain right now.
You shouldn't have to explain yourself to anyone.You should be able to tell your child when you are ready.When you think that she is old enough to understand.You aren't lieing to her. You aren't doing anything wrong at all.If anyone tells you other wise;they haven't been in your shoes.This is your family and when you tell her is your decision.
I have no idea right now how i will explain it to him. Iam sure my hubby will help me down the road;when that time comes. and i am sure that your husband will too.I know it is a sensitive subject.

I would sit down with the girl with you and Dan and explain to them what happened. I think if you don't someone else is eventually going to tell them about the affair and may even put in their opinion about it making you look bad to them. The longer you wait I think the harder it will be. your 4 yo isn't going to understand everything now, but at least you would have some ground work layed out. Good luck.

i think you r doing well but your family just needs to respect you and your family and when they show of and front of your kids that is not right you dont take bout adult matters in front of lil and if the cant do that then they need to stop off dont let them stillyour joy and when your girls grow the will love and call the person dad who has been ther read them story kiss there bobosthey know he loves them and they will love he to stay blessed

J.:

Hello to you, I would like to suggest that you go to counseling with a church pastor, etc. to help lead you down the proper road. These situations are so very tender - I have been through something similar, and you feel like such a loser, like you're hopeless, but you know what - you're not - you can become a winner, and your children can witness this firsthand. You know, I think God has a way of adapting them to these things. When I was 14 years old, I found out that the father that was raising me wasn't really my biological father. This is devastating at first for children, but it's nothing that love and understanding can't solve. You can be their counselor, you can have fun with them, show them the now , show them that the now is all that matters, and the past is the past, lets leave it there. Lets live our lives to the fullest point. Lets move forward. Let's trust God to give those children the best understanding and wisdom to get them through it, have faith, this will work. You can do it, but you must first believe it!

You're in my prayers,

M. G.

I agree with Cheryl. Be honest and explain that though this man didn't help you create her, he is the one you chose to be be her father. Something along those lines.
Have hubby remind the family that he already has 1 (or 2) daughters and that it's hurtful for them to say those things.
Good luck!

I would say since the older one asked, to answer truthfully, but without all the details. Basically, he is not the biological dad, you met when she was a little baby and in every other way her dad..much like an adoption discussion. As far as family goes, I think he needs to address it quickly and firmly let them know that what they are saying is potentially hurtful. Again, just because he is not the bio father doesn't make him any less a dad. If he won't address it, then I would..but he should first since it his family. Hang in there girl..people just say stupid things!

For staters J. - I wouldn't be shy and when I heard a remark like that I would say - excuse me, this will be Dans 3rd child, did you not meet the other 2 girls?

There is a possibility that my husband had a child with a women when he was 19 - he is 33 now. The woman went back and forth unsure as to who the dad was and picked another man.
We talked about it openly and decided he wasn't interested in pursuing finding out. It would only hurt the girl who had been raised now for 15 yrs by her "dad" and he isn't even sure that he could be tha dad.

Anyway, when we found out we were having a girl (our 1st) his step-mother kept making comments about how he "puts out girls" there were several comments made.
Finally I got sick of it and I told her that my husband is pretty sure that wasn't his child and that we've made the decision to NEVER bring this up again and confuse our daughter or son with the possibility of a half sibbling - something we aren't even sure is a fact.
I know if I heard this I'd be dying to find out if I have an older sister out there......and what if she isn't? what a drama!
I asked her to please respect this and never bring up that woman or her daughter around me or my children again.

People are CLUELESS.

With your girls - well no doubt this is tough.
I can't really advice you for I don't know how I'd handle it, I'll leave that for someone who has been there....

But put people in their place, I can't believe they're rude enough to make comments in front of little girls....

I think you are handling the situation very well. If I were you and Dan, I would correct people when they say that this will be Dan's first child, especially when your children are around. I would just say, this is Dan's third child and we are really excited for this new baby and leave it at that. When your daughters ask you questions, just be as honest as you have been and answer their questions as age appropriately as possible. When people say that this is Dan's first child to your daughter, just say that you and Dan do not see it that way and feel that Dan is a great step parent and sees all three children the same way even though the first one knows and has a good relationship with her father. Remember, it doesn't really matter what other people think or say, it is how you and Dan react with your daughters when it is being said.