Seeking Advice - Fort Worth, TX

Just wanted to say that I hope you resolve this problem, its rough being a parent to a teen and even more stressful given the situation you are dealing with. Stay positive!

W. my heart goes out to you, I'll be praying for you... I agree with most of the mothers who say take the phone away, and not for a week or so, but for a long time, maybe until she can afford it herself. She has shown she's not responsible to handle it. You want the best for her life, as parents, that means we have to be the bad/hard guy sometimes in their eyes and give them boundaries to abide by. Kids, especially teens, have a poor self-esteem issues, which makes it hard to respect yourself sometimes, plus they are trying fit in with peers. Teens especially think they know it all and we know nothing. As adults we all look back on our lives and there are many of times we wish we would have behaved different, well at least I do. One day our kids will do the same, that is why we have to be their parent first and friend second. Being a parent is HARD and not always fun, disciplining isn't fun, but if we don't put rules on our kids it only hurts them in the end.
I don't know what your beliefs are or much about you. I read that you just recently got custody of 2 of your children after 10 years, I know you want things to run smoothly and it would be much easier if things were going better for you. This is just my opinion, you need to really sit down with your daughter and talk with her, find out where she's at... she might not talk to you at first. I think you need to really open that door of communication with her.
If you aren't involved in a church, I highly recommend finding one. Pray, prayer is free and God does answer prayers.
God bless your family!

Hi W.,

I disagree with most of the advice given here. If you "lay down the law" and take away all of her privileges, you are telling her not only is she incapable of making the right choices, but that you don't even believe she can learn. She has to know that you are on her side no matter what. It is not you against her. That will become a battle of the wills, and trust me, you will both lose.

Instead, as Leslie C. suggested, talk with her about the consequences of such actions. You wouldn't remove her tongue if she said something nasty. You have to teach her, yes, she will still have the opportunity to do wrong, but she also has the opportunity to do better.

As for the same-sex dating, I am not sure what exactly your question is. If it is a matter of her being too young to "date", that is a conversation you should have with her. If it is that you dislike the idea of homosexuality, you need to get real straight with yourself if this is something you are willing to draw a line in the sand about. You could first of all be making life-long issues for her regarding sexuality by forbidding it. As the mother of a teen girl, things change overnight, not saying it for sure would, but they often turn on a dime. You could also be building up a huge wall between the two for her to not be able to be herself and open and honest with you.

I am no expert on any of this, this is just my two cents. I wish you all the best!

1. YOU ARE THE PARENT
2. SHE IS A CHILD, A CHILD.
3. Take the phone away. Children do not REQUIRE phones. If she is going to be somewhere and needs a phone for some safety issue, give her one for that particular circumstance. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE A PHONE WITH A TEXTING /CAMERA FEATURE. They DO exist.
4. Children should NOT be dating. .
5. I seriously doubt at 13 she knows what her sexuality is. Certainly it is possible but children are fraught with sexual identity problems at this age. They should be talking about them , not acting on them.
6.It sounds like due to your circumstances you are treading way to softly. Don't be afraid to be a parent. You said nothing about prior circumstances but this child is being raised and taught by YOU now so YOUR rules apply, regardless of what she has been used to in the past. Yes she may hate you for it..... for a while. You are here to parent, not be her friend. She will thank you for it later. You just have to tough it out. Parenting is the hardest thing we do.
7. Seriously consider therapy for her.teenagers/children will generally discuss problems with someone other than a parent, unfortunately, but that is the way it is.

Remember, you WILL get through this.

W.,
Be the parent. Take away the cell phone!! Who cares is there is WWIII. Consequences. I remind my kids from time to time, that "I am the parent, not you."

Looks like you have received a lot of good advice. Who is paying for the cell phone. The phrase at our house is "the one who does the pay'in does the say'in" so my kids know that if they are not responsible with the phones then the phone becomes mine. Good Luck!

Dear W.,

Wow!

I have several thoughts. Our household is pretty conservative, so your ideas/rules might be different. I'm sharing what my response would be, not what I think you should do.

If it were my kid I would ground her and take away the phone for the following reasons:

*Too young to date - period.
*Sex with a minor is illegal, even if the partner is also a minor - no matter what the sex of either partner is.
*My rule (based on Bible) - sex is for marriage.
*Inappropriate and illegal use of cell phone. Sending naked pictures of children is illegal (pornography) even if the picture is sent by the person in the picture. Even if it weren't illegal, it is inappropriate to me. Phone is gone! Or get an old-fashioned one with no picture and cancell the texting capability. i.e. emergency use only - or for your convenience only, not hers.
* Or! Cell phone is unnecessary because of grounding!
*No solo time with that friend (regardless of sex).
*Actually, grounding would cover the above one and also mean no overnights with anyone.

Basically, this is a trust issue. She has violated your trust. She knows she has violated it or she would have told you she was dating someone and she would have been open about telling you about the pictures.This is inappropriate behavior no matter who she's sending the pictures to or dating or whatever.

You've actually got two issues here. You need to decide what your family stance is on dating that young and on sexual orientation, regardless of age.

What do I care about WWIII? The judge ruled that I have legal custody and so I'm the parent here: my house, my rules. When the child turns 18, she can make her own decisions. She can also move out. I want to maintain the relationship, but not lose control here. So I would definitely go in for family counseling.

So, I'm going to recommend family counseling. It's hard enough to parent teenage kids you've been parenting all their lives! Harder to start the parenting when they're teens! Even harder when they decide they are going to be sexually active, especially with a different sexual orientation.

I hope you can figure things out and come to a solution that fits your family. I hope this experience and the way you as a family handle it draws you closer and helps instill a sense of safety and security. I hope a lot of things for your fledgling family!

A.

PS Actually 3 issues: the third is the illegal use of cell phone. That type of thing cannot continue.

Dr. Phil did a show about this exact issue this week. I would go to his site and read up on it. It is illegal and can ruin your daughter's life for good. You are the parent, albeit a late bloomer. Your daughter may resent the new intrusions into her life from you, but it is what it is. I would highly recommend you look into ____@____.com's Ridge Teen Camp. www.SOSinc.org. It can change her life to want to be a respectable, smart, courageous and lovely young woman. It will change the family dynamic as well and you will be amazed at how much fun she has, while addressing behavioral issues. I believe there are scholarships and funding available if you can't afford it. I have witnessed many kids getting their self-esteem and self-respect back through this program. Good luck and please call them. B.

Listen, sit down with your child tell her you love her no matter what but tell her one of your big mistakes. Then tell her the consquences you faced. Tell her she may not like you but you got to protecrt her and take that phone away. Thesse photo will be on the internet the rest of her life. Job interviews, her children could see them, not to mention her school. Try doctor Phil he did a special on this

Sadly it's what kids do now. It's called sex-ting. I agree with the moms on A. issue like this there is no soft way to talk about it. Be blunt and let her know naked pics are not something she should be sending willy nilly. What if she were sending naked pics of herself to her friend. And they break up later. Her ex could in turn send it to everyone at their school to humiliate her. I saw it on the news about a teenage girl who killed herself over the exact thing. I'm sorry to frighten you but youth self esteem is very fragile. So my prayers are with you. With knowledge comes strength and self assurance, good luck with your talk.

The only thing I know for sure is I'd take texting, internet & the ability to send/receive pictures OFF the phone! From everything I've heard on TV about how teens are texting each other to set up dates and sending pictures, that just wouldn't be an option in my house. My dad used to say if a boy wants to take you out, he needs to come to the door...well, if a boy wants to take out my daughter, he needs to call and ask her on the phone or talk to her in person, to via text. People are too quick to say things via text/e-mail that they wouldn't normally say if face to face.

As for her dating a girl...I don't know what to tell you. I'll pray for you to find the right words. How about just an open dialogue? Not accusatory, not judemental, just "hey, tell me about this, why did you hide it? Are you afraid I'll be mad..." if she says yes, then say "I'm sad to hear you feel that way. I am upset because the bible says God intended for men and women to be together, not women and women, but no matter what I love you, so I'd like to talk about this - how did it start? how do you feel?" As for the texting, during or toward the end of this conversation I think I'd just add "I'm sure you can understand that I'm taking the ability to text off your phone. That was a previliage that was abused when you sent indecent pictures of yourself and so that's a previlige you no longer have.

Good luck!

Easy. Riot act needs to be read to her. Cell phone is history (children do not need phones with cameras). tell her dating is not allowed in your home until they get to ---age.
But Cell phone is gone.
Be ready to fight WWIII. Problem is that she thinks you will loose the war. So plan not to loose and they will get new found respect.
Not your place to be friend. Will work better if you are mother enforced.

wow, you have gotten a lot of advice. I think I would go so much harder than most. Kids are manipulative by nature. You give them an inch they will take a mile.

As far as the dating and most probably sexually active I would take her to planned pregnancy or another place like it and have a presentation on sexually transmitted diseases. They show pictures and talk about what happens to you when you get these when you have sex with a man or a woman. Its educational and has a good shock value. Oh, and take that cell phone away! If you are worried about safety, all phone carriers can limit what your child does on the phone. Ours is only allowed to call 5 certain numbers...no text....nothing. Ours is a really nice cell phone with lots you can do on it but they can't because we limited it.

As far as the pictures...yep, illegal. Again I would go h*** o* this also. Some may think it cruel but it will leave a lasting impression on them. You could go two ways here...actually call and talk to the police and have her turned in, yep that's what I said. OR you could call and talk to the police about showing your children consequences. Most police stations are willing to 'show' children the booking process by them getting booked (its all for show they don't actually get charged) but at the time the teen doesn't know it but has to go through it. Its a real wake-r-uper! Some might say this is harsh. I don't think so. Boundries are there and you will be showing real life consequences for her actions....that she soon won't forget.

I will pray for your daughter.

Handle it the same as if i were a boy. Have a talk to her about values, and having people respect you, and if you act in an in-appropriate way, that they think you are a (slut) or some word you may think is more appropriate. That you want her to have some self respect, and have others respect her also. It may make a (war) break out, but you still need to instil in her proper behavior, and this isn't proper for a 13 year old for sure. If the picturs continue, take the phone away. Tell her you love her very much , and want to protect her, and that some predator could see the images, and it would be very dangereous for her.

I totally agree with Leslie C. I would go one step further, and remind her that you, as a good citizen, should report anyone who is doing something illegal, and that while you are her mother, you aren't beyond reporting her. You don't have to do this, but will she call your bluff? Maybe it will scare her enough to stop!

Whether or not WWIII is started, you have to address the issue. You are the parent, she is the child. She may be in an experimental phase with sex and girls may not really be her sexual preference, or maybe it is. There's not much you can really do about that. Maybe you can seek counseling. Her phone should be taken away, and if she balks you can get her one of those cell phone for children that doesn't have a camera. The other girls parents should also be notified. The phone company can find these pictures and bring charges, but since she is a very young minor it may be on your head. I would first have her sit and talk to you about it, then if she refuses to talk you can then decide what to do. Good luck with your journey.

You are the parent, not her friend. Start WWIII and drop the nuke. She is irresponsible with the phone, so lock it down. Your phone company can block texting and limit the numbers call (your cell, work, home, & 911 is all she needs).

Read Love and Logic. There is a book for parents of teenagers.

www.loveandlogic.com

W.,
Thank you for asking the question. I am dealing with a very similar situation with my 13 year old daughter and I appreciate the advice you have been given here. Good luck!

take away her cell phone and do not replace it. simple. ww3, honey been there. she'll claim you are the meanest mom and do not understand. tell her she is underage and you are the parent... not her. furthermore, take her to the police station and have them tell her of the rights/wrongs of texting nude photos. good luck.

You have gotten lots of good advise. But I thought I would give you an idea that wouldn't take her phone away since you may want her to have it so you can get a hold of her. Block texts and picture messages. That's what we did with out son's phone after he had it 3 days. Not that he was sending them he was getting them and we didn't want to pay extra for someone that we didn't know sending them.

Good luck and God bless you and your family!

H.

W., My mother recently went through this with my younger sister. They took her phone away for several months and also told the other kid's parents about the situation which put an immediate stop to everything and made certain that all the pictures were erased. They also called the police and completely mortified her. It hasn't happened even once since and that was over a year ago. It might be a good idea to tell the other girl's parents also. They could be a great support to you and alert you if something starts up again. In my opinion, you need to come down h*** o* her so she knows you are serious, simply just removing text and pictures is not enough, the cellphone needs to be history. After reading your "about me" section, I understand why you want to be somewhat of a friend to your daughter but with teenagers that can't happen or they won't respect you. I HATED my parents when I was living at home from the age of 12 on, but now that I am out of the house and matured, I see it was all for my own good and I needed every bit of it and I am quite close to both of them now and I'm only 23. I talk to my mom every day in fact and her word is the absolute Bible to me. Be the parent now and the friendship will come later. Good luck to you. :)

You have gotten a lot of Moms stating that you should take the phone away. I totally disagree with that. First of all does she know that sexting is inappropriate and illegal? At this age, they still need guidance on what is right and what is wrong. I would sit her down in a casual manner and explain that it is inappropriate to do such things. Do not confront her but simple tell her that you have heard that this is becoming a trend with teenagers and you want her to know that is is not right to do such things. Let her know about the potential of such things getting sent all around the school. It would take just one disagreement with this other girl and her live at school could be some a nightmare!

Make sure that she knows the consequences IF she should be caught doing this. Both from you, the school, her peers and the law. Remember - this is all as if you are not aware of her current actions.

If after that she still continues, then turn off the texting/messaging (all data) on her phone. Then get her a phone with out a camera. In this day and age, kids need phones so they can keep in touch with you.

The one thing that I do agree with everyone else, is to address the dating issue without making it gender specific. Not knowing what she has been told or not told about the birds and bees, it is probably a good idea to have a refresher discussion. Also, she is at the age where you need to explain to her that it is okay not to follow the crowd or be pressured into doing things that she is not ready for. The peer pressure at this age is unbelievable! You need to build her self esteem and self confidence.

If you want your conversations to be productive - the first thing you MUST remember is do not be confrontational or make accusations. Act as if you are not aware of her actually doing these things. You are just having a casual conversation based on her coming of age and other situations that you have heard are issues with children in her age group. See if she opens up to you at that point.

Remember - Hormones are running wild in her. The second she feels threaten or is being accused of something she is going to shut down and become VERY defensive.

I wish you best of luck, I have a 12 yr old and it is not an easy road but it is one that you need to be understanding and patient BUT you also have to set the rules and ensure you follow thru otherwise they will stomp all over you.

Growing up now is nothing like it was for us. It is more complicated and they are facing adult issues that we never had to face at that age. We need to guide them and point them to the right path.

I have to say that I read ALL the responses.
I agree with the majority about shutting down texting/internet capabilities on the phone.
Definitely show her the articles regarding the legalities of sexting.
And yes, her friend WILL get mad at her one day and her pic will be all over the WORLD... forever!!
In regards to the sex offender list, another website is
the National Sex Offender Registry. www.familywatchdog.us
They show the offender's pic on there too.
As far as sex, regardless of orientation, she is too young to have sex. period!
Definitely show her articles regarding STDs even with same sex partners.

THANK YOU TO TRACIE who said to check out Parenting with Love and Logic!!!
I'm surprised nobody else has mentioned it.
This is a great tool for parents.
I love it!! It gives the parent the power without alienating their children. They might not like the changes but they never blame the parent! LOL too funny to hear their responses to the class.
My kids are 7 and almost 9.. both girls.
Puts the responsibility back on them. Not the parent! As it should be.
Good Luck!!!

I definetly agree with the most recent response. You are the parent. This type of texting is illegal and can get her into a ton of trouble - you have the law on your side.

This is a h*** o*e to address, but I might suggest the article on CNN recently which showed the 14 year old getting arrested and jailed for just that offense. And letting her know you are not making up the "against-the-law" part of the conversation. Showing her there are consequences that will affect the rest of her life might help.

I don't know how you feel about same sex relationship - but I would suggest concentrate on the legality of the issue. I think its more important.

Good luck!

Hi W.! Looks like you have gotten a lot of good advice. I am with the majority about the fact that the picture texting is really the bigger deal. If you choose to take her phone away that is your business. If you want to just deal with the pictures there is a way to handle that alone.

I am with AT&T and you can shut off the "internet" feature on their phones. They can't text pictures without it. I had a problem with my kids sending just random pics to their friends and I would have like a $10 - $15 charge on my bill for internet. I found out that that is the reason why. Shut that off and your done with the pictures. Hopefully your cell service has the same thing.

She is pretty young to have a phone. My kids didn't get them until they hit high school and could drive. Until then they really don't have a need for one.

I would also have a heart to heart with her about why they are sending pictures. My daughter is 16 and has had a couple of serious boyfriends. She's never done anything more than "make out" with them. There is no way on earth she would ever send a naked picture to a boy. So, that really takes the same-sex issue out of it. Girls shouldn't do that.

I always approach my children's issues with "their reputation". I am not concerned about what other people think about me or my kids, but your character is a completely different.

This subject was covered on Good Morning America last week. They say it is called "Sexting". You might go to the GMA site and see what they suggest. I missed a lot of the story because I was getting granddaughter dressed for school, but the title sure surprised me. Wonder if this is one of the things that would fall under the new hates crime bill if it is passed. Will our kids be able to do it without consequences, but we get punished for telling them that it's wrong? Just thinking out loud here. I think it is getting harder every year to be a parent. Good Luck,

W., you got some great advise and you got some harsh critics out there. Regardless, you are the parent. I am a mom of an almost 15 yr old and I have to say I took offense to some of the responses that were harsh. Personally I feel you can't critise someone if you aren't in thier shoes.

We can't base our childrens lives on "How society USED to be" that was back in the day. Technology and society have changed.

I would say I would remove pic/text on her phone and I would talk with her and see what is going on in her head. Keep communication open and trust there. If not I would be afraid that she may stray behind your back and wind up having to serve the consenqunce (sp).

HUGS to you from one parent to another. I know your heart is probably breaking by now. I know mine would be!

Wow, raising teens is not an easy job. We are going through age 14 right now. Most of the time it is peaceful but there are some times I want to run away from it all.

I think the bigger issue here is the texting of pictures....not dating another girl. You just never know where pictures will show up. I have no sound or tried advice for you, except that I will certainly be thinking of you and hoping for the best outcome.

One thing I might do if it were me would be to ask some questions of the phone company, police, and get a copy of some law in my hand if it is illegal. I did not know it is illegal, I simply have heard warnings, etc. Also, we have Iphones and you can't "text" pictures....they have to be emailed if you send them. Of course, there may be some app out there I have not found yet that would allow you to text the pics.

Ex: Our daughter thought it was fun one night to hang out with friends, etc and we learned that they were out at like 2am. Of course the kids thought it was no big deal because "we weren't doing anything wrong", HOWEVER, there is a law in Plano and Allen about curfew. When we showed them the printed law.....(and grounded for a short period of time) they understood. They easily could have been picked up, ticketed or taken to the police department.

I know that is nothing like what you are going through. Whatever happens, your daughter still needs to know that you love her.

Best of luck on this one.

I agree with the other mom...take away the cell phone. Also, if she is texting illicit pictures, chances are, she's sexually active. Have you talked to her about her sexuality and that she it way too young to be involved with someone in that way? Also, have you talked to the parent of the other girl? Talk to them and alert them..they may not know. They can help to enforce things on the other side of this relationship. Also, it sounds like your daughter needs close one on one time with her dad. Spend happy one on one time with her...she needs the freedom to feel like she can express herself to her. Love her but be firm and unmovable! I know, easier said than done. I really hope it works out.

I agree with pretty much all the advice you are getting as in to young to date and taking the phone away. So I will not repeat. What I do want to say is you are not her friend, You are her mother and I know some people think being a friend is important because the child will shut you out otherwise, but I do not agree. It seemed like my mom and I never got along once I hit my teenage years. She was very strict and I can honestly say although I did not confide in her I also did not do things because of the fear I had of the consequences.

So please do not concern yourself with being a friend and do worry about starting WWIII. It might be bad for a while but with teenagers we all go through this. It will get better because in the end she will learn to respect you and realize everything you did was for her best interest.

About me: I have 3 girls. 15, 8 and 4.