Screaming at Parents

He's just mad because he didn't get what he wanted. The problem is, because he's only 4, he really doesn't have the verbal skills to say I'm mad at you because you said this or did that.
He needs to be given the words and shown how to act when he's mad. So you might say something like, "I know you're mad at mommy because I won't let you...." and verbalize it for him. Then you would add on to it, "It's okay to be mad it's not okay to kick, scream, etc." Then give him options. He can punch pillows, he can cry (as long as it's just crying), he can whatever.
Once he has the words to communicate with you and a way to express the anger that is appropriate, the tantrums will stop. He still won't like being told he can't but at least he'll say "I'm mad" instead of throwing a fit.
I used to do this with my daughter all the time. She'd start crying about something and I'd say things like "I know you're mad" and then I'd tell her she was allowed to be mad and give her ways of expressing that anger that were okay. She's now 7 and quite verbal and will always tell me when she's mad usually well before there are even tears. It does work it just takes time.
Good luck!

I just have to say that I came on here tonight to write this very same question. I have an out of control, or rather taking control over the house almost 4 year old... He's bossy and emotional and gets mad really easy. I woke up to him standing in my face this morning saying ever so calmly, "get up Mom. I'm in charge of you, so you need to get up." Wow! I knew it was bad, but that put the icing on the cake. Its not always that bad, all the time. He's really a sweetheart but I was hoping that it was some kind of age thing but it all make sense. They just don't know how to express themselves. We've done everything from discipline, ie taking toys away, time outs, taking TV away etc, to giving rewards for good behavior to ignoring it and trying to talk to him and reason with him. I felt lost and like I was failing as a Mother. His way of getting back at us it to pee in his pants. The more we take away/discipline the more he has accidents. So that quit real quick! He has refused to go which is an entirely different issue in itself but I can tell its his way of controlling the situation since only he has control of when and where he chooses to go. So I am very thankful to you for posting this question and thankful to all the wonderful mama's out there for answering and I'm going to go to the library and get some of these books and start all over again! Best of Luck to you and know that you're not alone.. I take that back, we're not alone! :)

My son is 7 and has just started doing this. The only thing that has worked so far for us is taking away TV, Computer time or playing with friends time. Good luck, I am interested in the other responses.

Teach him about feelings and the names for it.
Teach him "coping skills" to deal with frustrations or just being grumpy.
Teach him, adults get grumpy/frustrated too... but "we all try our best..." and are "family." Then show him how. ie: that he can say how he feels... it is not a 'bad' thing... that he can then ask for help if he is frustrated etc., and that you will help him. Validate his feelings... even if grumpy, a child or an adult for that matter, "needs" to know they are understood. Not just ignored or put down for it.
I know for myself, if I am frustrated or grumpy... it makes it worse if my Spouse just bitches at me for it... instead of just saying "I will lend you an ear and be there for you..." etc.
Same for a child.
IF a child never is taught, how to deal with their emotions... they will age and grow up to never know how to cope. Then they become an adult that cannot manage their emotions either. It takes time... so have patience and it is a work in progress. A child this age, does NOT know how, automatically, to know how to cope. Nor to manage their every emotion.

Also the book: "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" is real good. And the book "have a new kid by Friday."
Both non-punitive books and advice. Good for even adults.

Also the book: "Your 4 Year old" from Amazon. It explains what a child goes through at each age juncture. Although written years ago, it is still very pertinent. It is a easy read.

Also: on Amazon, if you put in the search word "raising boys" MANY good books will come up, and you can read the reviews of it.
I am actively teaching my son, how to express himself and to be aware of his feelings. I've been teaching him that since he was 2 years old. He is only 3.5 years old now, and he is now articulate and will tell me "I'm grumpy... I want to be left alone..." while he calms down. And I PRAISE him for it. He KNOWS himself... and how he feels.... and that 'we' understand him and 'allow' him to have feelings and to express it, in a palatable way. If he is not feeling good/happy, he will tell us that too. We NEVER scold/punish him for honest feelings. He is so young, but knows his feelings.
Boys especially, NEED to know how to express themselves and to be "allowed" to and to know, that it is okay and normal.

all the best,
Susan

Oh my goodness, this sounds like a snowball rolling downhill...the longer it goes, the bigger it gets!! I think you need to take a step back and think about things from your son's point of view. When he is angry, or frustrated, it isn't going to make the situation any better to punish him or send him off to a room all by himself. Think of it as if it were happening to you....
Let's say that you are angry because your husband has just come in late from work and the dinner you prepared is RUINED!!! Instead of stopping to LISTEN to you and acknowledge that you have a right to feel upset and angry, lets say your husband sends you off to your room to sit and "think about it " and adds a swat on the bottom as you start up the stairs!!! Or what if he just turns around and walks out of the room and goes to watch baseball on tv? Is this going to improve the relationship between the two of you or just drive a bigger wedge between you? I imagine is what you want is for him to stop and really LISTEN to your complaints, to tell you that he is sorry, that he understands why you are angry and that he will try and let you know the next time you so that you can be more prepared for a late dinner.
When I see my 28 month old grandson get upset or angry about something I hear a conversation between him and his parents that might go something like this...."Kieran, I understand that you really REALLY want to play with your blocks right now but we need to get ready to go to Grandmas for dinner" "Would you rather wear your brown sandals or your flip flops when we go?" " We can play with the blocks as soon as we get back home, I promise!!" You have defused the situation, you have addressed his frustrations and you have helped him LEARN how to deal with the feelings of frustration and anger that he is experiencing. My daughter has a great website that she writes on a daily basis about all sorts of different parenting issues that they encounter....if you would like the website, message me and I would be happy to share it with you!!

Take time to sit down with him, when things are calm, and ask him about his feelings...let him know in a gentle yet firm way what actions are appropriate and which actions are not.

For instance, when my son was hitting out alot, we talk about anger, how it felt, and alternative solutions...counting to 10, letting people know he needed space and going to a quiet place, hitting his pillow -- the only thing he was allowed to hit. That was a funny one. The next time he was angry, I said "hit your pillow" He suddenly became insecure..so I asked him if he wanted me to show him what I meant...and he indicated yes. So, I said "When you are just so angry you feel you have to hit something and nothing else will work, get your pillow and hit it" and I hit it. He was so shocked by the idea, that he started laughing and the problem was diffused. He has hit his pillow perhaps two times in his life, and stopped hitting out otherwise. He didn't know that was an acceptable solution in our house, though, until we discussed it and I demonstrated it.

Give him appropriate ways to vent and express his emotions. Being young is really frustrating sometimes...try to remember what it was like when you were young. It might help to give insight into where he is coming from.

Breathe! Best of luck.

I really like what KansasMom said--I haven't read all the other comments you got.
I suggest getting your hands on a copy of the book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk." It is a sanity saver! No mind games or "tricks," just effectvie communication to diffuse tantrums and make your expectations clear so you can re-establish a close and loving relationship.
Everyone--especially 4-year-olds!-- needs to feel heard. If he says "You're mean!" it's OK for you to say,"I'm sorry you feel that way," or "You have really strong feelings about that," and drop it without adding fuel to the fire even if your feelings are hurt. If he calls you a pee-pee head, it's OK to say,"It's not OK to call people rude names. I expect you to talk to me nicely," and then offer an immediate positive distraction and reinforce positive behavior right away ("I know you're learning to speak nicely. Would you like to choose a story? I like how you're carrying the books so carefully.") This is NOT being a doormat or reinforcing negative behavior, it is setting up the perimeters of a loving relationship and then demonstrating it. Everyone responds to validation.
The isolation of time-outs often does not get to the bottom of the problem because the child just seethes and plots revenge while feeling rejected. Consider offering lots of time IN before there is a problem.
Also, watch to be sure basic needs are met---hungry or tired people are so much less likely to be cheerful or cooperative. Kids who haven't had enough physical activity are also hard to handle.
Consider starting sentences with "I need you to," "I want you to," or "I expect you to." These make it so you own the request but you are being clear about yoru expectation. You don't have to be punitive or vindictive with your child to get respect and good behavior--in fact, you're less likely to get it if you are punitive.
Even when his behavior is challengling, remember you are modeling how to deal with frustration. If you blow up and send him away, he will want to do that to you. Consider verbalizing your frustration: "I feel so stressed that dinner isn't ready and the living room is messy. I need you to pick up your toys, please, and then we can eat dinner together. Thank you for helping!"
I highly recommend that book! It's a quick read with lots of immediately applicable ideas--you'll wish you'd gotten it sooner!
Hang in there!

My son had a great preschool teacher when he was 4. She taught them about using words to express their feelings. It is ok to be angry it is not ok to yell. It is ok to be frustrated it is not ok to kick a person etc... She gave them each a place to go and kick till their hearts were content at the end of the couch in her preschool room. When my son was particularly angry we would ask him. Do you need to go and kick the couch. sometimes he would giggle. sometimes he would say oh so seriously "I am so very angry" and he would kick the couch or punch the pillows. those were the two physical ways we allowed him to vent. other than those two things no hitting / kicking etc. and screaming was not allowed. we would stop him midstream and say your yelling to loud we don't understand. then we would say ok now tell me what your mad about. and add in the hmm uhuh and so on till he has completely told his side. then give him the answer again and if he yells start all over. when he realizes its not going to change anything he will stop.

For my two daughters, when they would do this (and my younger one, who will be 5 next month, still does it from time to time), I say, "I know you're frustrated because you want candy and I said no. But you can't talk to me that way. It's rude." And off they go to sit in their room. In our house, we don't really do "time outs," we do a cooling off time. In my opinion, kids are sort of like little animals. They've been housebroken, but haven't made it all the way through puppy school, know what I mean? ;-) So when they start to act like little animals, it's their right, but not in the common areas of our home. I take them, calmly but firmly, to their room and shut the door, and tell them that when they're feeling better, they can re-join the rest of the family. Usually it takes 5 minutes or so, but sometimes the offending child stays in her room for half an hour or more (her choice). And that's ok.

But ultimately, I think you just need to acknowledge how the child feels ("I see that you're frustrated/angry because...") and then reinforce your rule ("You can't talk to mommy that way, it's rude.") Finally, remove the child to a separate area of the house so he can pull himself together in private. This has worked pretty well for us.

I'm so glad you asked this, although I have no suggestions, I feel much better knowing we're not the only ones. We were thinking of taking him to talk to a therapist because clearly he's incredibly frustrated and we have no idea why. I hope knowing your not alone makes you feel a little better.

Visuals are a really big help. If you can make some visuals about feelings it might be able to help. Take photos of you making a face that is showing how you feel, then next to it write down that emotion.
Also, try and figure out what is happening right be fore the aggression and the anger show up. Is he mad because you said NO to him about a certain snack. Try and solve it by recognizing his feelings. "Oh, (son's name) I see that you are very upset because I said you can't have the cookie right now." Get him to respond to you and then talk with him. If you want him to have it after dinner, then tell him you are saving him this special cookie for right after dinner. Maybe let him put in on a plate that is his special plate and put it away so he can't reach it, but maybe see it. If this does not calm him down, try to sit with him and distract him until he is calm and then talk again. If he is really being aggressive and you feel like you are ready to pop, you need to find a space for him that is SAFE for you and for him. Put him in his room ( Make sure it is free from toys or things he might break or harm) Keep him in there until he is calm and ready to talk.. Hope this might help. I know it is long.. SORRY :) Also, when he is reacting in the many ways, try and label the emotion.. This can be hard to do at first, but if you practice it will help! Like if he is happy, Oh, I see that you are so happy right now. I see that you are sad, why are you so sad? Those kinds of things..

I always found that empathizing with his desires and frustrations is very powerful for just about everyone from children through old age. Being a kid is really darn frustrating, you can't have so many lovely, fun and tempting things, you can't do all those interesting things the big people and older children get to do, you get taken away abruptly from fun things you're already engaged in, and then…

…you get in trouble for being mad about it. Adults can be very upset and loud toward you, and you aren't allowed to be upset or loud back. You have no power, at a stage in life where you are programmed to begin to exercise power. So unfair!!! Adults really ARE mean, aren't they?

Children must be amazingly resilient to survive that – many adults would crack. But of course their impulse control scarcely exists yet, and so they rage, tantrum, withdraw; whatever behavior lets out some of the pressure or makes additional frustration go away.

There's a superb book that describes exactly how to be compassionate and respectful of the child while being clear about your own expectations and need for cooperation and respect. It gives examples for just about any parenting situation you'll find yourself facing. Parenting experts Faber and Mazlish will show you How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, in a clear, easy-to-read cartoon format.

You'll be glad you tried this approach! I have done this intuitively with many children over many years, including my 4.5 grandson, and it's sometimes scary how effective it can be.

I have a little one who's almost 4 who does very well if we let him draw a picture of how he feels. It calms him down immediately, and he's happy anyway. The funny thing is, he usually draws a rainbow or flowers. I know that's not how he was feeling, but he does come out of it feeling that way. He's a very strongly emotional, but this seems to work. GL!

I feel for you - my 3 year old is like this sometimes. I was more punitive in my actions before (tried super nanny's time out, asking him to use a kind voice and not boss other people, and sadly, occasionally yelling back at him to match his own shouts...). None of these tactics worked, so I recently have gotten into a place of treating him with more respect and love (in my opinion)...

If my son is ordering me around, I tell him that shouting is not going to make me do anything for him, but I am happy to help him when he is ready to use a kind voice. If he is having a really bad temper tantrum, instead of getting annoyed myself, I reach out and give him a big hug, and tell him how much I love him. He will protest at first, but then he hugs me back, and sometimes just needs to cry it out if he is tired. I try not to take it personally if he spits or kicks or hits me, but I also make sure he knows this is not acceptable behavior, and that it will only hurt others and himself if he does this (other people might hit/kick/spit back at him!!). The unconditional love approach is working a lot better than my previous approaches, and I use it with the children at school, too, and they respond much better to this than to time outs or ordering them back. It's really about them feeling respected, loved, and cared for, no matter what they do. 4-year-olds will test a lot, and you have to be persistent and patient, but it will all be worth it. Good luck!!

What I would suggest you do is create a really colorful, fun behavior reward sheet and label it something like the "Being Happy & Nice Game". Explain to him that it's a new game where if he is happy and nice all, meaning no yelling and no name calling, all day and at the end of the day he can win a special a special price from a treasure chest that you had made up with whatever cheapy (dollar store) toys and candy you decide to fill it with.

Throughout the day, randomly catch him in the act (about 3 times) of behaving happy and nice and reward him with a small sticker. This will remind him of what he's supposed to be doing and reinforce the good behavior that you are seeing. Once he has been happy and nice for a whole 21 days, reward him with a special really big prize of his choosing.

Hope this works.

Hi A. - my just turned 4 little boy has been getting upset on the spot lately too. Remember they are just now finding their voice and they will experiment with what works. They're still learning how to modulate. My lil guy has been really examing what happy sad and mad means and I've noticed his behavior can reflect it.

We say things like. I know you're feeling ______ but that is not appropriate behavior. It makes me feel ________ and ________. Please say sorry for calling me a _________.

Hope that helps - it's very simple but he feels heard, understands that what he's done isnt right and made his apologies. It gets us through about 95% of our situations.

My son started getting aggressive and hitting more and so i stopped letting him watch his super hero movies. I saw an immediate improvement!! I would look at what he is watching on tv?! That might be a source of the problem..good luck!!

My son is doing almost the same thing. He turned four at the end of February so they are close in age. I have done what you are doing and told him that he is not to speak that way to me. I do try to stay really calm. But it sounds like you are. The other thing though is that a friend was telling me that boys always have testosterone in their bodies and when they go through growth spurts they get a surge of testosterone. With four year olds it is hard for them to express themselves and know what is appropriate. My son has started to calm down some. I wish I had more advice for you. Good luck.

There is a ton of great advice here. I just want to add a few things - one, try not to use his room for any negative consquences. We made this mistake and now that they are older they won't spend time in there or just hang out. If we ask them for quiet alone time in the house they view it as punsihment. Secondly, praise is the key and frequent no matter what it is he is doing and if you choose to go he chart route make sure they are short very attainable intervals throughout the day so he feels success :) Best of luck - boys are an adventure, but I adore them and it hasn't been easy. Mine are 10, 11 and 12.

Hi A.,

I haven't heard anyone suggest spanking. NO, I'm not saying beat him. Hear me out. Spanking has worked for centuries as punishment and our society has had some moral codes. Now that people are scared of spanking for fear that DFACS will come running, our children have taken control of the house. The Bible says "Spare the rod and spoil the child." The literal meaning is spare the rod and DAMN the child. Spanking does not create aggression. Spanking creates a healthy respect for punishment.

You need rules on how to do it but it works. I know adults that were never spanked and they are brats. Usually selfish....I suggest Dad does it in a controlled way and your son knows it will happen. I bet you will see results almost immediately.

Wow there is a lot of good advise on here and would be hard to chose. I am sure you have tried some of this and only you know what is right for your child and how he will respond. Here is a link to Focus on the Family. I have Dr. Dobson's book called "Dare to Discipline" and it was very eye opening for us. http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/effective_bibli...

I have a four year old grand son that is doing the same thing and also refuses to potty train only when he wants to. He is mean to his mom sometimes and has uncontrollable behavior if he doen't get his own way. They have also tryed all the same things with him and they do not work. When he comes to stay with us, he has good behavior but still refuses to go to the potty. We tell him he is acting like a baby, that he can't start playing socker ball ect. but all he says is I like to be a baby. So what is working for you?

My 5 year old daughter does this and I tried everything in the book I could think of for discipline.
Then I tried something different and it is working.
I say in a very quiet calm voice, "please go to your room until you can talk nicely to mommy and daddy"
All the way to her room she screams and stomps. She will usually spend 5 minutes or so complaining and crying in her room. Then she stops and says, "I'm done". Then I call her out and tell her she needs to talknicely to mom and dad and the fit is over.

This has worked far better than taking things away.

Hi A.,
I'll make it short and sweet. You need to order a small book called, "To Train Up A Child" from Michael and Debi Pearl. They're online at No Greater Joy. What you're experiencing is a control issue and 4 year olds are not and should not be in control. Many will tell you this is just a phase but if you really want your kid(s) to mind you and you want to enjoy him you and hubby need to take back your authority and set the little man straight. If you don't you will continue to have issues and things will escalate. It doesn't get better as they get older. You may not like what the Pearls have to say or how they go about training children but it works so I would suggest you give it a try. Blessings, L.

If my kids (4 & 2) can't control their mouth, they get soap in it. They have to keep what comes out of their mouth 'clean', or it gets washed out. You don't have to use much at all, a tiny dab is bitter enough to get the point across and won't make them sick. A drop of lemon juice also works, or tobasco sauce. A disrespectful little one will grow up to be an adult that has no respect for others, and they will only say as much as they know you will tolerate. Be firm, nip it in the bud - a little pain now will save you from alot of pain later. Good luck!