Scared for a Friends Future...

Most likely it is because mom does not spend time with him. You see a big difference in children with loving, caring, hands on parents vs those with parents that appear to not give a darn. Their development will be much slower. You did not mention specifics as to why you think autistic and there are many forms of autism, so it is hard to say. Feel free to e mail me with specific questions.

Howdy! i have a friend who is about the same. we have kids that are 5 days apart and are now 2 1/2. her little girl hardly talks, hardly obeys...so on. it is very frustrating for me, because her little girl eggs my boy on. and when she bites my son...well you can imagine. but i have realized you can't help someone who doesn't want or admit that they need help. all you can do is be an example. if you have the time, you can spend time with him doing the things that his mother should be doing. until she is ready to admit that there may be something wrong, she will probably just get offended at what you say, whether you are right or wrong.
it is frustrating i know! good luck

I think that there needs to be more information about what he is like to know if it is developmental or autism spectrum. He is very young to be diagnosed with that sort of thing unless it is really obvious. The fact that she doesn't spend much time with him would be a big concern because that could totally be contributing. Maybe you could look in some magazines for fun kid things to do and just metion to her some fun things you have come across that you think she might be interested in.

You should provide more information about what he is and isn't doing so we can more clearly see the picture.

Two of my friends whose children were older or who don't have kids mentioned that they thought my two year old had speech problems. I knew she didn't but they had me questioning it and myself and it was not good for our friendship. So make sure you know for sure before you mention it.

Keep in mind that without knowing more, kids do grow and progress at varying rates until age 5, by that point they should be caught up in terms of speech, social skills, etc..good luck!

L. H -
It's good of your to be concerned but it's true that your options are limited here. There is a range of development and there are more things that can make a child seem "behind" at one point or another than autism. It's just the condition that's getting the most press right now.

A good way to approach this is to ask your friend when the child's next appointment with his pediatrician is... let the professionals consider if there's a problem. If the child is seeing the doctor for well-baby checks on schedule, then this is out of your hands.

Remember also that autism isn't caused by anything parents do - it's a genetic condition. But certainly low levels of parental involvement can contribute to low responsiveness in the child and to developmental delays. You could suggest to your friend that you both attend a workshop on brain development, such as the one I'm hosting on May 14th - details at mothersmentor.blogspot.com - or another. Treat this as a social event - something fun to do together - not as something you think she "needs."

Best wishes!

D.. A

Hi L.! I think sometimes being a good friend involves telling them your concerns and what you are thinking....if this is your best friend, I think she will take it as someone who is concerned with the health of her child, and someone who loves her child. Even if she is put off at first, I can imagine, everything would be okay in the long run. You can approach her very casually and let her know your feelings, and then you just let her take care of the rest. I only hope my best friends would do this for me!

Hi L.,
I think you are a good friend and definitely love this child. I'm not sure all the details of the child's behaviorism but if your friend is doing her job and taking her child to the pediatrician for routine check ups the Dr. does have a list of things he should and shouldn't be doing. That has always been discussed with my children and I (I have 4). Boys sometimes mature and develop a lot slower than girls. All children at that age develop so differently. He is still very young. I have friends who's boys still grunted to speak at two and my son was talking fluently by the age of two. My opinion is to wait and let this little boy develop more and things will be discovered if there are any as he reaches school age. It also could be that the mom is not encouraging this little boy to develop and grow. It sounds like she doesn't spend much time in enriching his learning skills. I am a firm believer in being an involved mom and never treating your children like they are too young and don't understand.

As for your response to your friend. I think just encouraging her to get involved in her child's life through play, reading, drawing, and just hands on in everything will help her be a better mom. You could encourage it by inviting her to things with you and your toddler. I know there are a lot of fun classes and such for mommy's and toddlers. Swimming lessons would get her in the water with her son, something that would encourage the hands on mothering. I know she has to love her little guy. I would only hope that she would see and enjoy the joy and blessing he is to her.

After all these words, I believe my advice to you is to just give it time and be a good friend to this mom and child. Love her where she is at and encourage her as a mother. You may be her closest friend and when and if this little boy's teacher or Dr. tell the mother he might want to be tested, you may be the one she turns to for support. It is more important to love her and allow her to be mom in her way. Hovering and telling her what she is doing wrong or that her child may have issues may close the door to a rewarding friendship, and she may never see that her son may need help or mothering needs to change. Allow her into your life, she will see the difference on her own. We mom's just need great friends to do life with.

Hi - you are such a good friend. Knowing how to intervene is next to impossible. Just to tell you my story - which hopefully be of some help to you - My son was born in 2004 - I was 42 at the time - he was a preemie by 3 weeks(emergency c-section) but all Apgar scores were high/normal.

To condense - my son was born in New Zealand and I had been living there with a great career for 5 yrs before he was born. After he was born it seemed appropriate to move to Portland OR where my husband is domiciled (Pilot for Alaska). It was the worst move I ever made. We were living out in the boondocks - Husband rarely home - no friendly neighbours etc. Point being is that I really feel that I did not recognize Freddy's lack of "normal" development as accurately as I could have. My Primary Care Doc was all happy w/his development until he was 3 and not only non verbal but actually regressing in his speech and his behaviour issues.

He has now been diagnosed as autistic w/significant sensory processing issues. It is absolutely heartbreaking and I blame myself everyday. I should have caught/recognized the signs earlier - but I was alone in a new country and I thought everything was OK. It was not.

Sorry for the ramble rant blah blah - however if you can step in with and for your friend and get him into Early Intervention - a great program "handicapped" or not - it would be so beneficial. Hope this helps somewhat. I am currently working as an educational/medical advocate for disabled children (totally pro bono for now!) so pls let me know if I can help. Your friend is SO lucky to have you! Take care. M.

If you choose to say something, just realize that your friend might be hurt in hearing anything. She might assume that you are saying it because she is doing something to encourage this. If she is truly your friend, she will come around...even if she's angry/hurt for awhile at anything you might say. At least you can say that you tried to be a friend and look out for the wellfare of her children and her.

I worried about mentioning a possible speech delay to my sis-in-law. Weigh the consequences 1st. If you do decide to approach her to it in a concerned and loving way. I was able to tell my sis-in-law that we are dealing with a delay in my daughter so I understand. I still don't know if she will pursue speech therapy or not but she is now better informed. Also try to let her see you are doing it out of love for the boy because getting help earlier increases the likelihood of high functioning autistic. Don't make it into a "you are a bad Parent" issue because I think any mom would shut down on that.

It could simply be a lack of socialization that is causing this little boy's difficulty. It sounds like mom and baby don't talk a lot. That doesn't make your situation any easier, but it might be more hopeful for him. I would ask your pediatrician about the symptoms you have observed. If he or she thinks it could be autism, then I think you ought to say something. Yes, it could damage your relationship, but realistically, would being silent and watching her do nothing leave it intact?

as a mom od an austic child here is a link maybe you could share with her,
http://www.autism-pdd.net/autism-symptoms.html
anpther great check list is from the book out of sync child, although that deals with SPD (sensory processing disorder)
all autistic kids have SPD not all kids with SPD have autism,
you can e-mail me off list if you want. I am the Washington state SPD Parent host and write on the help line for said list. I would love to help if you want.
take good care,
H. R.

Instead of sharing your fears that he might be autistic (which could scare any mom into denial and anger), maybe ask her how she thinks he's doing with his development. If she's concerned at all, you could gently tell her that someone you met online told you that you can have a child screened for any delays or problems at the health department for free.

It doesn't matter if she does or doesn't have health insurance or even is as rich as Bill Gates, they will do a screening on any child three or under for free. (Three or older need to go through the school district.) Having had both of my daughters screened and found to have serious speech delays I am very grateful for the screening. Especially since, with therapy, they are quickly catching up to where they need to be.

If it is autism, the screening is still the place to start as it is how you begin the process of therapy and observation to eventually be referred to Children's in Seattle for diagnosis. The people she meets will be able to tactfully guide her there, and you won't have to risk your friendship, but just be a listening shoulder.

Early intervention is the key for a normal or more normal life for any delayed child, but if she won't seek evaluation, there is nothing you can do.. tread lightly and if all comes to worse, the school district will pick up on it when he is a bit older.

As much as I realize that your concern is valid, she might not see that way, only you know her well enough to gauge a reaction. You could mention some of the signs that you believe point to autism without mentioning what you think. What about the child's doctor? Has his dr mentioned any concerns with his development? A good dr should be able to pick up on any delays.

I have an autistic grandson. He is now 12 and doing quite well in school. I would advise you not to say anything to your friend as you probably will change your relationship with her and you will be shut out from any future help you might be able to give her. It sounds like she is more into herself than into the child and that may be the reason he seems so much younger and under-developed to you. Is he spinning and yelling and refusing any changes in his daily routine? Alex could not allow his clothes to be put on differently from day to day and the length of each leg and arm sleeve of the garment had to be the same and food had to be the same and served the same way. Autism is difficult to diagnose according to the doctors we have talked to unless the child is major and the diagnosis should not be tossed out lightly. Love your friend and help her as much as you can and watch the child and if you truly feel talking to the mom about the child will help not hinder the relationship then speak up. Good luck to you and to your friend.

L., First of all I wouldn't diagnose anything or use any terminology. I would just do small talk with her and get a feel from her reaction about what you witness and mention that she should advise the doctor. If she's going to a good doctor I would think eventually they will diagnose something. Be very careful because if you jeopardize your relationship with the mother then most importantly the little one will be impacted and he really needs you. Just pray for guidance for the mother/child/you to create a peaceful resolution.

if you decide you can't confront her, maybe just give her a couple magazines that happen to have articles about autism in them.

What are some of the signs? My youngest grandson is Autistic and we knew something was wrong before he was a year old.. He has been in early intervenion since he was about 2yrs old and now is in preschool (early intervention) 4 days a week..It is easier for your friend to be in denial, Having a autistic child takes alot of commitment and work..BUT,maybe it is that he is not stimulated enough,..and just is a little inmature..There is so much hype right now about autisim,..when we see children a little behind our minds turn to that. It has been extremley difficult for my daughter-inlaw,..but she is doing everything in her power to see this little guy grow to his full potential,..our whole family is involved,..but she has the biggest load..It is a huge endevor,..but there is so much help available..

What is he not doing?

Share with me some of the symtoms,..There are so many different levels..

L.,

If it were me I'd take the information I've gathered and sit down with this friend and say something like "I don't mean to cause waves in our relationship, but I'm really concerned that Joe has autism. Here is the information I've found, please read it. Please talk with your doctor. Please don't be mad at me, I'm just concerned for you both."

I know a little about autism and the sooner that they get therapy/treatment the better off they'll be. If it gets too bad, I wouldn't hesitate to contact CPS with concerns if the mother blows you off. This little boy needs a protector and it sounds like his mother isn't going to be the one to step up.

Hope this helps,
Supportively,
Melissa

L.,

Just be a good friend to your friend. Be available for conversation and support. If the boy is autistic, she may not see it yet or may not want to see it. Eventually it will surface, in Kindergarden, if not sooner.

Wait until she asks your opinion. When she does, be ready with resources and lots of love.

In the mean time, treat the boy as one of the boys. Each and every child/person has a need for special consideration, love and acceptance...regardless of labels. So give this "third son" his special consideration along with lots of Love and Acceptance.

Wait until the mom is asking for help or advise. The hardest part may be controlling yourself from speaking what you find so obvious. I can relate. At times blurting out the obvious is a relief, especially around those individuals who won't name the "elephant in the room". As I've gotten older I've discovered there are often compelling reasons people don't name the truth/obvious. In time, they will.

I would not mention the word autism to your friend at all. Let a doctor approach her with that. I would guess that your friend sees the differences between her child and others her child's age. But, it seems that you are concerned that she may not. Wait until she brings up something about her son that opens the door for you to gently say something. Maybe she will even complain about something her does or doesn't do. Then, you could try asking her questions about it, like, "do you guys practice words around the house?" "do read him books?" etc. and maybe it will get her thinking.
That's a very tough situation. Keep us posted.

I was in the same situation with a very good friend of mine. We were pregnant together but they moved a few hours away right before her first son was born. My little girl was always advanced and her little boy wasn't speaking so I wasn't sure if it was a boy/girl thing, or if he had real problems (he also is VERY advanced with his drawing skills and needs to draw all of the time). I was worried for quite awhile about him and thought he might have autism (his uncle has autism and his aunt has childhood schizophrenia). Also, my step-brother's little girl has autism and I remember the early signs with her. I really didn't know how to bring up the worries I had because I didn't want to hurt my friend's feelings. Finally, at my daughter's 2-yo check-up, I asked her pediatrician about him. I wanted to make sure that a 2-yo boy should be talking. I got some great info from her and it helped me just bite the bullet and talk to my friend she even gave me advice on how to bring it up. I made sure my friend knew this came only from love and that I only want the best for her boys. Come to find out, their doctor had started the autism screening process at his 2-yo check-up and now after a few months of tests, they are finding neurological problem, severe hearing problems and he has weekly speech-therapy. They still don't know exactly how bad his hearing is and they will be re-screening for autism at age 3. I'm really, really glad that I talked with my friend. It's been a hard few months for her and I think if I hadn't boughten it up, she wouldn't be talking to me about all of the issues they are going through. I'm so glad that he is getting some help and I know he's an amazing little guy that will now get a chance to express himself.

I would really urge you to talk to your kids' doctor - someone you trust. Get all the facts and just approach the situation out of love. It's better that he gets screened sooner than later because there are therapies they can start right away. My daughter's step-cousin with autism was diagnosed very early on (I think around 15-18 months) and they have been doing extensive treatments ever since. It really has made a difference. I wish you and your friend all the best. :-)

Hi L.,
I wish I knew more of what behaviors and things are going on with your friends child. I can tell you that my brother came to me and told me he thought that my daughter might have a speech delay. I love my brother the most, but hearing this was so hard to hear and I just thought that nothing is wrong with her she is fine. However, I did listen to his advice, he is a nurse and also a specialits in children with adhd, and I got her checked out. The speech therapist I saw told me that she wanted early intervention to do a free evaluation and so we did that. They first told me that they thought it was autism, but they could not be too sure until a formal screening had been done. So, the first day I heard this word autism, I had no clue how different my life was going to become. I tell you this story because I am soooooooooo greatful that my brother told me. I should have seen it myself, but being a first time mom and she did seem to be normal to me, but after taking a whole year to reflect on how she was behaving and what she was doing really made me realize that she did have it. If my brother did not tell me, I might not have known for a lot longer and might have delayed the help that has come with early intervention. I know it is differnt because she is a friend and not a relative, but time is so precious when it comes to helping children with autism. I too would make sure you have a really good knowledge of it. I personally might be a bit on the coy side of talking to her. Maybe you could have early intervention come out to "screen" one of your children and have her and her child present and maybe the people screening might be able to say something. That way you were not the one doing it, but someone else might have seen it. I always try to find ways that take yourself out of the equation. This is a hard task and I hope that you find peace. You are truely a great friend.

If you aren't sure how to approach your friend about it, it could be an indication you shouldn't approach your friend. Particularly if by doing so, you feel it could end your friendship. But if you feel you must say or do something, I would ask your pediatrician if he/she can recommend any literature on autism, read it for yourself, and then casually recommend it to your friend once you are done. It is entirely possible that your friend has already noticed he is behind on his developmental skills and just hasn't said anything to you. Or it could be that her doctor isn't concerned, in which case, you might be crossing a line by stepping in when you aren't someone who can professionally diagnose the child. I would say, tread lightly if preserving the friendship is important to you. You know your friend best, but bringing this to her attention could have the opposite effect - instead of seeking help, she could go into denial and refuse to entertain the thought. Let her come to the conclusion herself but help her see there might be a problem. Or, if you know anyone else who has an autistic child, you can bring that up in conversation and then you can talk about the various ways in which the medical community is learning to treat autism (e.g., strict diets).

Good luck.

Tough situation! Whether it is autism or a developmental issue, it still needs to be addressed. If there is a delay or disability, it is vital that the child get diagnosed and treated as early as possible; early intervention makes a HUGE difference. One question is WHY his mom does not seem to spend much time with him; is it her choice or his? If she has tried to interact and he has not been responsive, that is another POSSIBLE sign of autism. I would just start to "notice out loud", things like "wow, when my little X was this age he loved to snuggle / always wanted me to play with him / talked a lot, even in three word sentences... and your little boy is doing this instead; have you noticed that?" and see how she responds. If she is open to it, such comments may get you more information about whether she is also concerned; if she shuts you down, you know pursuing it with her will be a problem for the friendship.
Sometimes the behavior you are seeing from her is a parent who is scared something is wrong, trying to avoid it, and uncertain what to do.... and sometimes a friend saying "hey, I don't want to upset you, but here is what I am noticing" is exactly what is needed...
Another thing you could try is doing lots of modeling for her, getting in there and playing with the little boy, showing him how to do things, etc. so she can see how he may respond to more interaction, and saying how happy he seems to be with whatever activity you start with him. If he is resisting or unresponsive, that gives you more information and an opening "gee, my kids loved this....".
I have a child with Autism, and most of the other parents I have spoken to WISH someone had said something to either alert us or confirm that we were right to be worried. Many parents go through a stage of being afraid, feeling like something is wrong, and desparately hoping they are overreacting or wrong; having confirmation that there is something wrong with your child is painful, but there is also a sense of relief in knowing WHAT it is and that you really were on target...I wish you the best in dealing with this situation!!! If it was me, I would probably say something, because even if it strains the friendship you may plant the seed that eventually gets her little boy some help.

definitely talk to her!

Hi L.,
My son is autistic... I was very open to my friends commenting to me and addressed it with my pediatrician (he had been all my childrens pediatrician for 18 years) and he blew it off as he is a boy and the youngest. Until he was three and then said to me point blank what is wrong with him you need to get him help. I was devistated. I would suggest to bring up the topic since there is so much in the media about autisim at this time one of the articles you read or something you saw on the television and say that maybe she should rule it out since he seems behind to just be safe. But also enforce that pediatricians are usually slow to diagnose this still at this time and just a quick trip to one of the developemental clinics at the local childrens hospital. That is where I finally got some answers but they may only refer him to the early childhood center that the school provides and then they observe him and then she could actually get a diagnosis. My son was 3 1/2 when he finally was diagnosed. All that time missed because I trusted my pediatrician and I shouldnt have. Good luck and let me know how it goes... you have to keep true to yourself and your instinct as a mom first and foremost... if she is your friend you are probably the best chance for her to be open to listen.
M.