Sassy and Mean :(

Hi S.,
I used floortime therapy with my son (also called DIR). You get on the floor and play with your child, you join her in whatever she is doing and make statements like "It seems you are sad right now?" Remove the lectures, they don't work, remove the denials of "'Of course I love you" and just get down beside her and make an observation "It seems you are upset and scared right now". Then play dolls (stuffed animals, whatever). You try to take the child role, whatever she will let you and see what info you get.
Also, there is a book/tape called "How to talk so your children will listen and listen so your children will talk". It is an old book and fabulous. She is little, but the theories are still applicable. J.

It's hard not to take it personaly, but don't. It's a developmental thing - testing boundaries. Teach her early on that you will always love her for who she is but sometimes you don't like what she does. Seperate the two and make her accountable for her actions if she is doing something that you have rules about. She's just testing her limits with you.

Two years old? She hasn't been around enough and seen enough to have become a teenager already so I'll tell you what I think: she's got you right where she wants you! Kids are manipulative and hilarious and born actors. She found a phrase that elicits quite a response from you and liking saying it for that reason. If you continue to respond in the shocked and devastated rush to hold her and reassure her how much you truly cherish her, I'd expect her to keep saying it. I think I would respond with a very non-emotional, "That is simply not true. I love and like you very much. Now eat your peas."

She does seem to have a lot changing in her life right now and that's probably what brought this on but your response to what she says and does is the thing that determines how long it lasts.

About the "mean and upset" behavior. Again, she's two so she's learning how to interact with the world around her and the rules for behavior in general and with different people. I'd just remind her that it's fun to play with people who play nicely and not fun at all to play with "mean and upset". When she does "mean and upset" with you, of course address it in case there is something that needs to be addressed but also reinforce that playing nicely is the way to keep playing. "Mean and upset" means no more playing.

Dear S.,
Part of it could be that she is very aware that there is another baby on the way. They can sense when there will be competition for mommy's and daddy's time and attention. Also, they don't call them the terrible two's for nothing. But it is extremely important that you handle this wisely because you are setting up the dynamics of your relationship for the future. If she feels she can manipulate you by saying that, she will continue to say it. If she said you were GREEN how would you feel? It really is the same thing. It is not true and you are not GREEN. Next time she says "You don't like me" say HMMM. . .that might be becase I LOVE YOU SILLY!" and then laugh and pick her up and swirl her around. You are the parent and she must learn that when she says silly things, you don't take them seriously.

Also, there is a new Parenting tool that is being launched Sept 24th, 2009 called CAPABLES. It is an amazing educational and learning system created for children your daughters age to nine years old to teach and motivate them to live the greatness within them. It teaches emotional intelligence, self-control, thought management and attitude and affect adjusting that is easy, genius and FUN! It uses a Cape and Badges of Honor as a behavior modification tool and takes the "work" of parenting and turns it into play. It is amazing. It has a Badge of Honor for Self-control and it might be very motivating for your son, to get him a Capable and use the Badges of Honor system, which is just one small part of this amazing parenting tool. You can go to the website www.GetCapables.com on Sept 24th and check it out. I really think that the Capables would really help. Kids LOVE their Capables, but not nearly as much as Moms and Dads love them. Parenting experts agree that the Capables are going to revolutionize parenting and how children are being motivated and educated to live their lives at a higher level of excellence. Hope you enjoy them.
Blessings, D. B. author of over 20 books on Parenting and relationships www.DawnBillings.com

Wow! It sounds like she, and you, have a lot of changes on the plate to digest! I would have indigestion with all that and I'm an adult... on the outside:) Inside, when changes happen, I'm a scared kid, afraid the bridge from point A to B will collapse and I'll fall down the bottomless pit!

She's starting to become more self-aware and that's so scary for her and you. In the past few weeks, you have taken away her known playgroup, removed/upset her home environment to move to new place, and will soon be devoting time and love to a new child. That's a lot, and a lot for you as well. She can certainly feel less attention/love and scared of these losses -- where does that put her? -- but is still too small to realize the new wonderful doors that will be opening soon.. time for her is endless from point A to B -- remember when Christmas was forever to wait?

Play/sing/laugh/love with her at her level, on the floor, what she decides to do... get her involved with the move and her new sibling, pull out the books on moving or babies or take her to a Big Sister class (that really helped my daughter). Show her the doors that you soon with walk through together and hold her hand the whole way.

Good luck in all the new and wonderful changes!

If she goes to daycare or a babysitter, she can be picking up this behaviour from watching other children. There is a new baby coming into the house soon and I'm sure you've been getting things ready for that and she might be feeling left out of the process or she understands that the new baby is going to take away from her a little bit. And kids will say things and repeat it to get a reaction out of you. I'm sure she doesn't realize how hurtful her words are. She knows that not to like something probably makes it bad vs liking things that are good.

When my daughter was about 3yrs old, she got sent to her room for getting in trouble. She marched back down the hallway to tell me that I wasn't her only child, and then marched back to her room. All hubby and I could do was laugh but still to this day (6yrs later), I have no clue what she meant but she meant it to hurt. And later through the years, I've been told I don't love her for putting her in time out and blah blah blah.

She could also be in that phase too where we try to find out place in the world and pushing mommy and daddy's buttons is how it's done.

Just talk to her. Help her learn to say I'm mad at you because ______________ (fill in the blank) and that it's ok to express your feelings when done properly. My 3yr old son tells me I make his heart sad when he doesn't get what he wants, and I tell him that I'm sorry for that and life goes on. My daughter tells me when she isn't happy with my decisions by telling me when she is mad or upset with me. She'll go to her room and pout it out and then come back with a big hug and and I love you or we'll talk it out.

Even though it still hurts when you get told by your child they are mad at you, it's better than some crazy screaming match.

Good luck:)
S.

It's kind of like the "I don't love you anymore" stage that most kids eventually go through. It gets a really interesting reaction, so they keep doing it; they don't really mean to hurt you at all. The best answer for that is: "I understand why you feel that way, but Mommy will always love you no matter what." And then go on with whatever you were doing.

In your case, a matter-of-fact response will eliminate it faster than an emotional one. ("I will always love you, even when I don't like some of the things you do."). Sounds like she may need a little extra reassurance and attention from you. I would find a little more time to spend with her, but not in response to "You don't love me".