Same Age but You'd Never Know It

Just seems like these girls are at each end of the spectrum. There is no normal. Sounds like someone needs to rein the twins in and let the quiet one out a bit more. If she is doing well in school, let her be. She may be quiet her whole life. Not everyone can be an extrovert.

From the little bit you stated it truly sounds to me like she has some developmental delays. Is she on the mark as far as grades go> is she on the same level as the kids in her classes? Is she in any special classes? Even for reading or math? This could mean that mom and dad just didn't tell big brother about it. So he would never make fun of her if he was mad, ever told anyone, etc.....there could be a million reasons to not tell an older sibling.

I do think, again, from what you've posted, that she is babied and treated like an imbecile. Perhaps they just don't realize how handicapped they are making her. She sounds totally unprepared for high school. I would friend her and see if she'd like to go shopping or brunch or just go hang out. The more she's around adults that treat her like a teenager instead of a baby, if she does NOT have learning disabilities or developmental disabilities then she will progress quickly under the influence of others.

If I were you I would google developmental disabilities and learning disabilities if she's behind scholastically. Then see if you can pinpoint any particular issues that might be used in diagnosing disabilities. She truly sounds like she has a lower IQ and is sheltered due to this.

too many parents these days push their kids to behave older than they are. It's a breath of fresh air when one acts younger.
There's nothing wrong with a 13 yr old liking toys.
I have an almost 11 yr old that still plays pretend , it's great she has a GREAT imagination where other kids are all about boys she's playing spy. She's much more interesting than the girls that are all about shopping and boys.
Maybe that's what the girl is comfortable wearing. A lot of those "cute" clothes are uncomfortable. I for the life of me will never understand the thong or the Jegging. Let her be young while she can.

My only answer is: why do you care?

Each and every child develops at their own speed. Some kids are more shy, others are outgoing.
Is she suffering? Depressed? Sad? Has she asked for help or mentioned that she isn't happy with herself? You say you don't know about any of her friends but she must obviously have some if she had a sleepover with 3 of them? And she goes to school and plays in a team.... doesn't sound particularly isolated to me.

People raise their children all kinds of different ways. Some allow them to act much older then they are, some are overprotective and their kids may act young for their age... and you know what... who cares!
Maybe she will have a harder time at first - but she will adjust. Maybe she will hate high-school - many people did - but she will learn and grow and move on. Maybe your neighbor kids will hate high school too, but for entirely different reasons.... maybe they will have a hard time as well - in spite of their shoe collection...

I think both descriptions of girls are in the range of normal and simply reflect both their personalities and their parent's parenting choices, neither one of which is better than the other.

Your baby is still young, but it probably won't be long before others will start questioning your parenting choices and maybe even your baby's skills or speed of development... not a nice feeling to be judged that way.

I think your fiance's sister is who she is and the best to can do is accept her for who she is, rather than compare her to the kids down the street.
Good luck.

First, Ina G. did answer your question. She gave you possible reasons for her being the way she is and suggested that you accept her as she is?

I suggest the same thing. Unless you live in that house and go to school with her, spend more time with all of them you have no way of knowing whether or not she is having difficulty. You said nothing that would indicated that she's having difficulty. I suggest that unless there is some reason such as depression that is causing her to be this way that she is OK. And unless you know what is causing her to be this way there is nothing you can do to make her different.

She is obviously socially less mature than your neighbor girls. She is going to school so she has been exposed to the same things as the other girls and she's not acting or saying in any way that indicates she wants to be different than she is. She's adjusted to middle school and she'll adjust to high school. Yes, she may have challenges. So might the neighbor girls. All 3 girls seem to be doing OK now.

If you'll enjoy her company and can accept her as she is, then do take her shopping and see if she's interested in anything you see. If she's not interested don't try to get her interested. If you try to change her you will be causing stress for her, especially if her parents are babying her. Change is difficult and at this age should only happen when it's comfortable or necessary to do so. I see nothing in your post to indicate that your future sister-in-law needs to have you intervene. And if her parents are expecting her to act this way you'll be interfering in their right to parent as they choose. Do you want them to tell you how to raise your baby?

Love her as she is. Do things with her that both of you enjoy and she'll grow as she's ready to do so.

You wrote asking about drama at a 4yo's birthday party. You wrote asking how to help with your fiance's brother who's sick in the U.K. I suggest that you're trying too hard to be helpful. Trust that other people are able to make decisions for themselves and when you don't agree it's best to let it be and let them do what they need to do. You cannot fix it for anyone except yourself. Once you relax and just be there for someone you will be giving the best help possible.

Some girls are late bloomers. I was. Even though I had reached my full adult height by junior high and probably looked 18, I remember feeling so awkward at that age. I was shy and self-conscious, and just couldn't figure out how to dress in order to flatter my newly filled-out figure. I didn't really want the boys looking at me... I just couldn't figure it all out. High school wasn't much better (but I went to a girls' school, so it didn't really matter, thank god). FINALLY in college something clicked, and I figured it all out. I came out of my shell. Joined a sorority, was a cheerleader, had a ton of friends. But it literally took until I was 18 for any of that to happen. I look at my own daughters, and they are both totally outgoing, they're fashionistas, tons of friends (they're 10 and 7) - I have no idea what I did differently for them than my mother did for me. Probably nothing. Some people just take a while to adjust to impending adulthood.

You may try spending some time with your future SIL. Try on clothes at the mall, listen to her, talk to her about how awkward you felt at that age (whether you did or not ;) so she knows how she feels is normal. Having a non-parent adult as an ally can be a wonderful thing for a teenage girl, I think. :)

I have an almost 12yr old daughter, and I gotta say, she is much more like the neighbor girls that you describe than your future SIL.

That being said, your fiancee's sister might just be a late bloomer. I was always more mature for my age, and my little sister was always very IMMATURE for her age. We're only 2 - 3 yrs apart chronologically, but as tweens/teens, we were MILES apart emotionally and physically (me, taller and bigger generally, lil sis was petite, still is). She was definitely a late bloomer. But trust me, once she "bloomed" she caught up pretty quickly and became a typical teenager, to my parent's delight (yeah, I'm being sarcastic).

So it's possible that your future SIL is a bit behind socially and emotionally NOW, but that doesn't mean she'll be that way forever. And these days, it seems like kids grow up SO fast, I don't think there's anything wrong with staying child-like for just a bit longer...

There's no such thing as "normal" for a 13 year old girl.
I have two daughters, same home, same father, same schools, same "stability" yet they are VERY different.
My youngest one is a LOT more immature than her sister, less interested in clothes and being "cool" (yet weirdly more interested in boys?!) than her sister was at 13.
She still likes to play with younger kids and with toys but it has nothing to do with how we treat her, she is just YOUNG. I have two older kids and have already witnessed the same thing with their friends.
It's nothing to worry about. This is a crazy age, and by the first year or two of high school it all evens out.
We know parents of all extremes when it comes to discipline and what is allowed but honestly, they (the kids) figure it out.
Kids/young teens are pretty damn smart, and they grow up whether you want them to or not!

They are both normal, they are just different.
I don't see any particular advantage to being worldly beyond your years at 13.
Some people bloom earlier than others but there's nothing wrong with late bloomers.
Think for a moment how you would feel if your girl is 13 and someone comes along and tries to tell you that you are doing it all wrong.
Trust me - you won't appreciate it.
Just let her parents raise your future SIL as they see fit and you can do the same with your own kids.

I think you've gotten some great responses to your question. I also see a lot of judgment in your post and some pretty strong reactions in your description of what you've observed that bothers you.

It might be a good time to ask yourself what you *do* appreciate about your fiance's family. It will make marrying into it much better.

Everyone chooses to raise their family as they see fit. You don't know if the behavior/situation you describe is the parental influence, her preference, a confluence of the two, or if there's a piece of missing information which they do not feel necessary to share outside the three of them.

I have a sister who was very similar to this during her teen years. She's a good mom who now works successfully in a male-dominated career. She has healthy adult relationships and even cares about clothes now (as if it matters, hell, I cared more about clothes when I had Barbies than I do now as 42 year old, not really a sign of maturity). All that to say, you really don't know what's going to happen on down the line. It makes me pretty sad that kids can't just be accepted for who they are. Perhaps you could try that, instead of being irked at her dad's nickname for her and thinking that they could be doing better. I've known more than a few late bloomers--myself included-- but when we bloomed, we BLOOMED.

Be patient. Learn to get past your reactions; figure out how you can respond kindly to those situations. Being annoyed with her lack of maturity will only make her feel worse. Middle school and early teen years are a time of teens finding themselves and can be painfully awkward. Family should feel safe and welcoming, so if you can be that for her, that's the best way to help. Many of us grew up to be fully functioning social adults without the internet, too. There is a lot of growing evidence that being connected online with peers can sometimes have significant drawbacks and may negatively impact growing kids given the wrong circumstances. You say she's socially awkward--these are the kids who get picked on, online. Suffice it to say, there are other ways of perceiving this situation.

I am thinking about half way in between these sets of kids would be a good thing. But everybody's going to be different and have different expectations.

Not knowing your sil makes all kinds of explinations possible for her behavior. One that pops into my mind is aspergers. But not every behavior needs a diagnosis. It could be her sheltered life but maybe not.
Just because she doesn't do the things you experienced does not make her "not normal". But a bit more friend interaction would benefit her.

Your neighbors could be normal with parent supervision or the could be headed for trouble. No matter how many shoes someone owns or friends they have , that doesn't necessarily make them mature. A 13 yr old has so much to learn and their judgement is not fully functional. Too much autonomy makes them think they can do this adult thing before they truly are able. You would do well to be a force for good in their lives and not be attributing to skewed materialistic immature thinking.

Patty's right. It does sound like she's an introvert. I do agree with you that she very well may have trouble in school. Hopefully the kids at her school are decent kids. If they are, maybe she'll be okay. Honestly, I don't know what is normal for a 13 girl. I have boys.

I hope that she joins choir or a group that works together so that she can be part of something other than a sport. That would help.

She will have to learn how to work a computer. That's most likely part of the curriculum.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with you asking the question. You aren't fussing at the mom, or saying bad things about the parents. You are just thinking out loud and that's what a lot of ladies on this board do.

Dawn

It is her socialization... and social skills and maturity.
Not just about what fashion she dresses in or not or what her internet access or knowledge is. But that also encompasses her overall disposition. Seems like her parents sheltered her.
Not that it is wrong... but yes, if she is 13 and will be in High School next year, then she will either have similar friends and hopefully finds nice friends, or she will be in her own clique. Or she will be left out of a lot.
And hopefully High School is fun for her.

She plays soft ball and has friends in her team?

Has anyone really talked with her??? See what her interests or thoughts are?

Or maybe, her parents ignore her.... versus sheltering her. Thus, she is immature or not really being interacted with by her parents. ????
Because, her parents do not seem to know, what a girl that age may like or not nor do they seem to know or realize, that she is 13 and maybe they just do not, nurture her.

It sounds like she may need to get out of the house a little more often. Can you take her skating or ice skating?

It is a little late to break her out of her shy mode, but you can try.

In any event if she is happy, she isn't hurting anything by keeping to herself.

I read your question, some responses, your So What Happened and all I have to offer is:
Who cares?
Who wants to make everyone the same?
Never compare kids--you'll see this with your own child. Nevera good idea.

Maybe plan a girls outing with you, your neighbors and little sis. Shopping, out to eat, etc. to help her out of her shell. Also maybe you and her brother can do more fun stuff with just her or have her bring a friend or two. There is nothing cooler than hanging out with your big bro and his girlfriend! It sounds like her parents are not doing her any favors.

I get what you are saying, it may be coming off as judgement to some but I can see you and your fiance are concerned. I don't think you want to know what some 13 year old girls are doing!! It's not pretty. I do however know a mom who is the same with his son, she still cuts his hot dog as a teen, he sits on her lap, he is extremely unsocial, no friends, etc. It has never been told to any of us, nor have we asked, but I can see there are developmental delays. It is possible, and it is also possible that your fiances parents are in denial. You have a few choices here. Your fiance, can bring up his concerns for his sister, to his parents, and also state concerns on how she is going to fair high school. You can also both try to help her yourselves by spending more time with her to help understand where she is at, and three just let it be. Good luck!!

my 7 yo sounds more mature than your boyfriends sis. if it were an occasional thing to talk like a baby or play w stuffed animals, but if she isn't interested in anything else, or if she has NO friends at all then i would be concerned. I don't have a prob with the parents not letting her do things that they think are too grown up, I have a slight problem with her not even wanting at all to begin breaking away.

but there also sounds like some weird family dynamics. is there a divorce and remarriage or just a huge age gap between your boyfriend and his sis, forgive me if i missed something.
anychance the father is sexually molesting her? and what is with the big girl comments is that soley age realted or size related??
I don't see my kids being that independent and social at 13 but i would hope they would be beginning to establish an identity of their own and i know it woudl fluctuate from day to day trying on lipstick and the next playing barbies.
can't help with a solution but interesting discussion.

I remember when I was 13 I walked or bussed where I wanted to go. I babysat and had a paper route. I used my allowance and money I earned to buy my own clothes at the mall. I went to dances and slumber parties. I was no longer playing with toys. I had my own house keys. She could just act young because she is a late bloomer, or her parents could be holding her back, or a little of both. I like the idea of you taking her on an outing to the mall, maybe go for a manicure etc.

I find some questions on this site to be very immature by my own standards. You might define maturity in a very different way then I do. Add to that adolescence and differing rates of growing up and you have a huge range of tween/teen personalities and how they act.

Lots of immature people equate teens in the throes of American teen culture as being mature. Sadly I know many of these kids who are very immature when it comes to the real world. They are top of the pile within their peer group but in an adult or academic situation they come off as the little self absorbed girls they are. Five minutes on my daughter's face book account and all I can think is "Thank God my kids are more mature than that!"

I think you should re-examine how you define maturity. Growing up slowly is a great thing in my opinion. Let her be who she is, she'll likely to surprise you in a few years.

I personally have an issue with fashion-plates with way beyond their budget tastes. Being the oldest of three(my siblings are six and eight years younger than I), I totally get looking out for differences. I however, was the sheltered one.
My sister got the whole cadre of "friends" and a couple of good ones too. She, being nearly as tall as I was when she was a freshman meant that my closet was no longer safe. She managed to take this self-confessed nerd's wardrobe and make it very fashionable(considering I graduated from High School in 1991, styles were....unique?). I had my comfort clothes, and she'd make fashion statements out of them...so much so that I was uncomfortable wearing them as I saw them on every freaking teenage girl in the county!
As I have said in other posts, my Mother was from Korea. That meant she has always had impeccable fashion sense. When she went back to visit family, she went to get the latest styles(and some for me too). My Aunt's had a fit when she got me very classic long flowing skirts and linen blouse and pant sets, and very dressy everyday wear. They didn't realise that was my style, and NOBODY ON HEAVEN OR EARTH would get me out of my personal comfort zone.

My Mother has always tried to get me to be "fashionable", but my tastes were for comfort first. She has since learned how to introduce clothing that combines my no-nonsense practicality, with a little bit of fashion. When she knew she was going home, she got a job so that she could afford to spend what she wanted on clothes for us, and not burden our modest budget. I have to tell you, some of those clothes only just now came into fashion here in the US, so they have something on us...

We NEVER lived outside our budget.

Moving on...

I was also the sheltered one, and as such, most of the kids figured me for the "nerd" profile, which only now seems to be outside the box(thank you Big Bang Theory!). I was so very introverted that if you didn't see me up a tree reading a book, you just plain didn't see me. I had so many issues with being Half Asian, and Half Polish(there were three boxes to check...Black, White, and Other. Guess which one I had to choose, and which one I thought I wanted to choose?). It was hard living in my own skin. I hid from the sun so much because I wanted desperately to be pale. That NEVER worked.

{Here's a piece you need to hang on the parent's fridge of every socially awkward --hell, every teenager in the world!:

'I'm a 39 year old single Mother to a spirited near eight year old. I was around 15 when I met one of my father's old art teachers(who then was happily also my art teacher), during the time when I disastrously was attempting to make myself something I would/could never be. He gave me sound advice for being comfortable in my own skin.'

"Imperfections, much like beauty, are in the eye of the beholder. Look at every person you see and draw out their most prominent features(I'm an artist, so this was second nature to me). Think about whether or not they'd find it attractive. Humans are a very primal creature below the skin, no matter how refined and intelligent they fancy themselves. They look, and judge each other in the same way most animals do---are they compatible for the herd? This year Asians and blended genetics are the bottom of the barrel. In a few years, they may be the new "it". (Mind you, this was said in the late 1980's early 1990's...)

Find your own strengths and expand on them.
Let nobody tell you that you aren't anything less than what you are, and you are the best at being yourself, so why try to be anything less than the best?
Love yourself first and foremost, because you will always be who you are inside, no matter how much you try(or succeed) to change your outward appearances.
Don't worry about whether or not everyone likes you now or how you look--in 10 years they'll all be envious of your intelligence, and your genetic combo that makes you seem ageless. In 20 they'll be trying to surgically recreate those looks that you naturally have, and buy classes from some self-help guru to try to create your perfect memory and attention to details. You, by living healthy and happy(and always within your means), just being yourself, will have it naturally.

What do you want to be remembered for, trying to fit in, or walking to the beat of your own drum?" --Mr. Richard I. Shearer

He's so very right.}

BTW, my sister and I had such a HUGE age difference to me that when she just got into Barbie's was when I got into them. Fashion meant less to me than pure comfort. I have always liked being creative with LEGO's.
Get her advanced LEGO sets(the Castle Builds and the PotC are hellishly impressive).
Take her shopping, and TALK TO HER about fashion. Don't push her, don't buy her what you want to see her in, ask her what she'd pick out if she had carte blanche(and take pictures when she's not looking).
ASK HER ABOUT HER HOBBIES.

She may just be introverted, shy and VERY SMART. I know I was.

Agree or disagree, as always, it's...

Just my 2cp.

I agree that she may possibly have some developmental delays that her parents either don't want to recognize, or possibly are fully aware of and don't want to tell anyone about. I can't imagine she simply doesn't know any better if she is going to a regular school and involved in sports with other kids. My sister and I have an 11 year age gap, and she is almost 13. She does act younger than other kids her age due to being somewhat sheltered (no facebook, no interest in what's trendy or fashionable, only really listens to music CDs given to her by me or my other sister back from the 90s, not a shred of interest in boys, etc.). She knows that most of the girls on her gymnastics team are different from her, but it doesn't really bother her because she is still able to find other things in common with them. Recently she had a few of the girls over for a cookie baking/decorating party and they all had a blast, and one of the girls is a huge horse lover, like my sister. So they still all get along, and she fits in well, and doesn't feel pressured to conform in other ways. Your fiance's sister, though, sounds like her differences go a bit deeper than the way she dresses, or whether she has a facebook account.
"Normal" and "weird" are both very broad terms. Other kids may say "weird" to describe any kid who is more reserved than they are used to, is less into pop culture than they are used to, has religious or moral beliefs they are not used to, etc. "Normal" is an accurate description for anyone who overall falls into the general levels of cognitive ability, maturity, and development of their age range. A 13 year old can still be "normal" if she doesn't really like boys yet, or happens to dance to her own beat when it comes to clothes, or hates shopping. And if a "normal" kid is dubbed "weird", they will usually either ultimately conform or manage to find their own niche with others like them. However, if she truly does seem "off", there likely are other issues involved, and if it makes his parents happier to keep them private, unless his sister is showing signs of being unhappy or mistreated I suggest you allow them to keep it that way unless it becomes a real problem.

Does your SIL have any disabilities? I know sometimes there are less obvious things going on and some of those could explain some of her behaviors and their "babying" her.

Your neighbors sound pretty typical, possibly slightly spoiled w/ material things and maybe a little more "mature" than their age, but still fairly typical. Your SIL sounds a little immature (which could come from being the baby and treated as such and/or sheltered).

It sounds like your future SIL has been sheltered a lot. I think that there are all levels of "normal" but if he is concerned about her going to high school, he should bring it up to his parents and/or start doing things with his sister to encourage her to grow. She should be able to come home with her own key at 13 and maybe he could suggest that to them. He should pull back on things where he treats her like a little kid. If he says "Big Girl" like I might call my 4 yr old a "Big Girl" then he's contributing to the immaturity. Ask him to simply try to use her name.

And why not go out to a mall, go to dinner and do a little shopping with her? What's stopping him from treating her to something she might like?

Is she truly capable of more and just doesn't have the opportunity or is there something else holding her back? For example, does SHE like sweats because they are comfy and she has a sensory processing disorder? She also sounds emotionally immature to be talking in a baby voice and speaking about her toys that way. When my SD was about 10, her mom encouraged her to speak baby talk and we simply said, "Can you please talk in your normal voice?" If his SM is similarly emotionally unstable (or anyone else who deals with SD is) she may be encouraging it for her own needs. Some parents have a really, really hard time watching/letting their kids grow up.

So...my guess is a lot of factors, but I'd encourage him to do little things and if his parents ask, say that he thinks she's capable of x or he wants to treat her like the teenager she is vs the child she was.

I'm not sure if I'd say immature, because maturity has a lot of components, but she sounds socially out of step with her peers. It's possible that she could have a developmental delay, but honestly, it's also possible that this could be a manifestation of extreme giftedness. Both put kids outside the sphere of their age group. It also occurred to me this could be an unusual manifestation of being on the spectrum.

But either way, does it matter? Just by being herself, by being atypical, she's already contributing something to society. She's demonstrating that there's more than one way to grow up. And that there's more than one pace at which to do so. And by doing so, she's actually providing a gift to girls like your neighbors -- her difference gives them a chance to be a little different (and maybe a little little-girly when the need to be too).