Sahm's: What If Your Husband Told You to Get a Job, So He Can Quit His?

Updated on October 29, 2011
S.H. asks from Kailua, HI
61 answers

I've been a SAHM, for 9 years.
Hubby has a job.... but the employer sucks. They are dishonest and jerk the employees around.
Hubby has recently started looking for another job. As his co-workers are too.
He hates it there.
Okay.
So he tells me, for me to get a job, so he can quit his. Then he can be on my medical etc. And the kids will need to go to
after-school care etc. The kids have medical, via our State sponsored plan. So they are fine. They are covered.
My kids are 8 and 5 (in Kindergarten).
They both have homework everyday. Which we do after school. Among other things.

Who knows how long it will take, for him to find another job.

So how would you feel, if your Husband dropped this bomb on you?????

There is no way, I can make the same salary as my Husband.... and how the heck, will "I" support everyone?
That is the least of my worries.
I don't want my kids' lives, to be turned upside down.
The after school care is not the best. I know friends whose kids go there.
It is like $100/month for each kid. And that is a lot for us.

Lots of problems. This is the least of it.
I feel I have no say in it.
My Husband thinks it is so easy. For 'me' to get a job.... and then support everyone.
Meanwhile, sure I have been a SAHM. It was a mutual decision, he and I. For our kids.
And "I"... also support myself, with pocket change, which I make myself. So it has not always been "he" supporting me, monetarily.
He like many Husbands of SAHMS, think we got it easy. Not doing anything to 'contribute' to the home/family/kids.
Because our contributions, are not monetary based.

ANYWAY.... what the hell? What would you do?
How would you feel?
I am a basket-case.
I can't even speak.... because SO many things are in my mind about it... to fathom....

Thank you.
I am... so bewildered.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

I did not have, high level paying jobs, prior to being a SAHM.
I know, I will not make, even half of what he makes now. Even if his paycheck is not "rich."
I have a college education.
Still, I was not making a high salary. Prior.
And, I have not worked in 9 years.
And the job scene here, is very stark.
- Of course, I support him in his job search... I am doing a lot of it too, for him. He is busy. At work. He can't be doing job searching from work.
- No, his current job situation was not always this way. Only recently that his Bosses have been jerks. The company is financially not doing well. He previously liked his job. The Bosses have RECENTLY, started jerking around its employees.
SURE, I know. Because he tells me.
- Of course we talk and I know he is stressed and I let him vent.
- BUT, he has just dropped this bomb on me. Thinks it is just the way it is going to be. YES, the kids will need after school care... because "he" needs to find a job, needs to go to appointments... and cannot do that if he has to watch the kids.

Meanwhile, it is not like I have just been a monetarily funded SAHM. I support myself TOO. So, him thinking that it is now time for me to support him... to me, pisses me off. Because, I have also supported MYSELF, financially too... via pocket change I make for myself.... as a SAHM. Babysitting here and there and doing my online shop.
SO, it is not like, I have been, depending on HIM only.
But he thinks, just because he pays my medical, via his job... that he is so supporting me.
And thinks I can easily get a high paying job... and now... support him and pay for medical and support all of us.

I, have ALSO, early in our marriage... supported him. When he was just working a minimum wage job, and my job at the time, was the higher wage. I have done both.
I have supported him and done things, to support him during dire times. Many times.
I am willing to work... part-time. But not being away all day or night and I also want to be around for my kids.
As most Moms do and as most, SAHM's do do, part-time work for those reasons.

Featured Answers

K.C.

answers from Dallas on

Ah, well, my husband knows his job is easier than mine. Even when he was unmployed...he wasn't doing the job searching...I was. And I got him a job. He spent his time playing video games or computer games with his older brother.
I know he wouldn't be able to stay home with son, although he's not the colicky infant he used to be, he's such a handful & my husband is ...lazy. lol.
So I'd tell him to stuff it and stop joking because I can't do EVERYTHING-- what would be the point of keeping him if he was going to be another kid instead of a responsible being?
But that's my hypothetical situation.
Besides, it would be easier for him to get one because he has one-- that's how most employers seem to be hiring... if you have a job-- that means you must be worth something. If not, you're crummy (so not true though :( )

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K.B.

answers from Tulsa on

I would lose respect for him. Mine is in a wheelchair with a breathing machine to help him get oxygen. He still tries to manage the money, to invest any left over to provide for us.
Don't let him quit if you have any way to stop him.

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T.J.

answers from Seattle on

I'm doing it, because his job wasn't making enough after the economy hit, and before that he was making a ton. I make half of what he did, and he's home. It has worked temporarily even though it's not ideal for any of us. We just do what we need to do to get by for a while.

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K.S.

answers from Dallas on

first of all why would your kids go to after school care if he were staying at home?? that doesnt make any sense at all, if he is not going to work then childcare is his job when they are not in school period.

if he wants you to go to work so he can be a stay at home dad then he needs to understand what that means, he would be in charge of all the doctors appointments, grocery/household shopping, cooking, cleaning, kids homework/projects/school functions etc. etc. etc. (basically you need a detailed list of ALL that you do)

then you need to make a list of what he is currently makings & spending
then make a list of approx what you think you could make & what you would have to cut out because you would make less

then show him all this & talk to him about whether he is honestly going to be a stay at home dad (which he needs to understand is much more than a babysitter & after school care would not be an option!) & see what he says then...most of all you both need to come to a decision together not just him telling you to get a job so that he can quit...if anything I would think that maybe if he were to find a position that did not pay as much then maybe you could work part time, but my guess is that he doesnt actually want to be a stay at home dad he just doesnt want to work where hes at any more

good luck, my husband was a stay at home dad for awhile but that was because we made the decision together & at the time I made more than he did, but he says he would never go back to that!

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M.L.

answers from Houston on

Since I don't have a degree, I wouldn't be able to get anything that makes more than $8- $9 an hour, and certainly not anything that would provide good insurance. It would most likely be retail or restaurant oriented, so I would work crazy hours. I would slap hubby upside the head with a tree branch (or in your case, a coconut) and say, "WAKE UP, IDIOT!" Then I would sit down with a calculator and show him the math of the reality.

I don't mind working, in fact I work on the side. But if he were to suddenly quit and expect me to be the sole breadwinner, no way could I earn enough. We'd be on welfare for sure.

I have NO problem with stay at home dads and working moms... but that situation only works when both parents are prepared to succeed in their respective reversed roles.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

I would sit down with him and talk about realities. Reality: People who were employed in the last year but got laid off are having trouble finding work. Your resume has a 9 year gap. Reality: Aftercare is $. So is lunch, gas, car maintenance, work clothes. Reality: You are unlikely to find a job that supports your family as well as his with the same benefits. Reality: He hates his job and is burned out and would like to be home where he perceives it to be easier.

So maybe it's not so easy as you getting job, for many reasons. But could you support him in a search for a new job? Could your family make changes so that he can take a job that pays less? Etc. Does he have a clear view of what you contribute with your time? Maybe document a few days or if he can get a day off have him do what you do. Take the kids to the doctor, the park, do the laundry, etc. I'd tell him what I hear behind his statement is that he's burned out and maybe a bit depressed. So what can you do as a team to support him getting a new job? Then re-evaluate once he's clear of this situation.

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P.R.

answers from Cleveland on

I agree with others he's stressed and lashing out or around. But maybe his isn't such a horrible idea. He's miserable. If you're a couple, you share that misery and maybe for awhile you have to work. You wouldn't be the first my MIL had to go back to work full time or they would have lost their house as my FIL could never stick with anything. I work and right now my husband isn't fully employed. I've always been the main breadwinner. I didn't expect that but it's happened. And if he's been paying the mortgage etc, he's been supporting your family. Maybe it's your turn for awhile. Chances Are though if you're open and receptive , he'll see it's likely not the most practical for your family.

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J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

Considering I offered to go back to work at least a half a dozen times so my ex could quit his job I would say you are being selfish. At least in my case his misery was tearing our marriage apart. They can only keep it together at home for so long. I didn't care if we had to sell the house, move to another city, whatever it took so that he didn't feel like coming home every day and kicking the cat so to speak.

You on the other hand seem to think it is fine for him to be miserable because it doesn't effect you and your kids. Well I am here to tell you ignore his request and it will start effecting you and your kids.

I was a stay at home mom who never went to college at that time who was willing to step up for my family. We would have made one eighth the income with me being the only earner. I was more than willing to make that sacrifice to keep our family together. He wouldn't do it because he was unwilling to give up the prestige his job offered. At least I can say I tried.

I have an awful job right now and I am trying to find a new one. I have a friend who only wants a resume from me to see if she can place me somewhere. Just a stinking resume and I can't find the time because I am so mentally and physically worn out when I get home. You can't find a job when you are working full time. As it is I will probably quit in the next month and find something new. I guess I should be thankful I have a spouse that has my back.

I just want to add this has nothing to do with thinking you do nothing all day or any disregard for the work you put in. That idea is completely illogical. He did not say you do nothing so do something now. He said he can't take his job and he NEEDS to find a new one. That has nothing to do with his perception of what you do all day.

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

Wow, what a surprising bit of news. It sounds like your husband, feeling pretty desperate, reached this conclusion without consulting you along the way. That means it's not a mutual conclusion, and you'll both do better to back up a few steps and take a hard look at your options.

Here are a few negatives to consider: It's awfully hard to find work in this economy, and most companies will FIRST hire people who are already employed. So you'll probably have a harder time than he will, and he'll have a harder time if he's already quit. Fair or not, someone who hasn't been working for the past year or two is considered unemployable, or at least less employable.

Even if you are lucky enough to find work, women traditionally have to settle for lower-paying jobs. Especially if you've been out of the work world for several years. Depending on the work, you may need to get a work wardrobe and figure on transportation costs coming out of your wages. I have had quite a few jobs over the years, but not a single one has offered any health insurance benefits. Plenty of jobs don't. And then there is the effect this would have on your kids.

It sounds to me like your husband has just reached the end of his rope. Perhaps some specific incident on the job set him off. Maybe he's been enduring a whole lot of misery for months that he didn't feel was okay to share with you. Can you get him to just talk about what's going on? Give him lots of emotional support and appreciation?

Once he feels truly heard, it may be possible for him to take a more realistic look at the whole situation. He may be able to carry on, and perhaps be looking for a better position himself while still employed. And even if you go job-hunting tomorrow at dawn and apply to 20 places a day, there is only the slimmest chance that you'll actually be employed within the next few months, so unless you two have some very handsome savings set aside, his quitting abruptly is not going to work.

But he needs lots of sympathy right now. It sounds like you both do. I'm sending my tenderest thoughts to you.

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L.D.

answers from Dallas on

Well, first, my husband would not just come home and tell me what to do, without me having a say. However, if I knew he was miserable, and he asked me to, I would start looking for a job.

Four years ago, my husband was making $65,000/year at a job he HATED and I was making $50,000 at a job I loved. He wanted to start his own business which would mean a reduced income for a while. I took a slightly higher paying, less enjoyable job, and he quit his. We live off of my salary, and he is struggling to keep his business afloat. Because he quit is job, I was not able to stay home with our children, now 1 and 3, which I regret every day. We do not have the nice things we could have had if he had continued working. We have a little bitty house and old cars and cant afford to go out to dinner or take trips. Our inlaws pay for extras for the kids.

However, we are a team. I love him and want him to be happy and for him to have his dreams. He loves me and is a wonderful father to our kids. If I let myself, I can really resent his decision. But I try not to. I focus on how lucky we are to have a house, and cars, and each other, and enough money to pay our bills and buy kid toys off of craigslist.

I guess my suggestion would be to figure out your priorities and what you want out of life. Talk those over with your husband and make a plan where both of you make sacrifices.

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S.B.

answers from Redding on

Why be a basket case?
No offense, but I bet he was just talking out of frustration and unhappiness.
Instead of saying, "Calgon...take me away", he said, "You get a job so I can quit mine".

My husband often said that to me because he wasn't happy. I didn't sweat it though because for one thing, he was a complete control freak and the first time my job interfered with something HE wanted to do or wanted me to do, that would have been the end of that. He made LOTS of money so he didn't think for one second me working and him not was anywhere in the realm of reality.
He was venting.

You know your husband hasn't been happy. I would just listen when he gets frustrated and encourage him to continue looking for another position.

Also, don't sell yourself short.
I hadn't worked in 10 years and a little thing called a divorce sharpened my powers of employability, pronto!
My kids handled it just fine and although our standard of living was a bit less, I supported two kids myself.

It sounds like your husband's job is pretty bad. He's probably just had it.
I've had some pretty crappy jobs and it's hard to put one foot in front of the other and keep going back every day.
Maybe a compromise would be your husband taking a less paying job that would make him happier and you could work while the kids are in school. You wouldn't need daycare in that instance.

Just an idea.
It might help your husband to see some light at the end of the tunnel if you are willing to discuss some options. But, I really would just calm down and take what he said for what it likely is....
A guy who is really unhappy at his job.

Just my opinion.

Best wishes.

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A.C.

answers from Savannah on

You've got a ton of answers already, but thought I'd leave my 2 cents as well. First, I'm sorry that this hit ya hard. It's hurtful and frustrating when someone suddenly "tells" you what needs to happen and it be markedly different than what you've been doing, and it feels like the man who loves you suddenly says that you're a burden because he's had to "support" you all this time. My husband pulled that card with me, not in so many words, but with his attitude and acting like I was slacking off all day. He KNEW better (BECAUSE I had a part time job on weekends when he was off so he got 2 half days a week, and a couple evenings a week, where he got to be full time daddy), but when he was really stressed out about his job and his boss being a jerk a couple months ago, he hurt my feelings with how I do "nothing". So I do understand where you're coming from. But do try to understand where he's coming from too. Not only is he aggravated and frustrated with work, not only is he feeling the stress of the very real fact that everyone in your family is depending on him. Even if you earn "pocket money", it's not paying for the house, the utilities, the bulk of the food, the insurances, etc, so he's scared and probably feeling trapped in his work situation and like he's not "able" to make a mistake. He may also be scared that his job will disappear altogether and just not relaying it to you. A couple months back, my husband actually got drunk (for the first time in a decade?) and finally admitted something he'd been hiding for months---that he was scared he'd lose his job at the end of the year. Now, that's been discussed, it's out in the open, and extremely unlikely which he sees now that he's honestly talked about it instead of it just being in the back of his mind and getting bigger and bigger in there. But still, it was a fear. But all I was hearing was "I hate my job, my boss is a (jerk), why are we eating pizza if you've been home all day".
1)I would suggest NO afterschool care yet---not if the family is a 1 income family still.
2) List all bills, average them all out to know exactly what all your expenses are. List his pay (and what yours could be expected to be, realistically). What things would you need to cut out with your cut in pay?
3) Look at your expenses and seriously look to see what you can change or cut out NOW, to ease the load he's got as the breadwinner, but also to put away for an emergency fund or cushion should something happen to his job that is NOT under your control. Put your family on a (temporary?) action plan to save/make money.
4) Realize that you are a TEAM and sometimes we all have to do things we don't really want to do, but it could be just for a season. Just as he needs to put his big boy pants on and realize he can't get mad and just quit his job without something else lined up, you also need to do something that is probably uncomfortable to you, and start seeking a job. Start checking the paper and if you see a sign that someone's hiring, go apply. See what happens. It's actually pretty difficult to find a job right now. I've NEVER had a problem working, but I've been looking for half a year and NOTHING. I'm working part time from home, but I have been seeking work outside the home for 6 months but I only scored 2 interviews, and didn't get those 2 jobs. So it would not hurt for you to apply for work (especially part time) and it would also be foolish for him to quit a job he has to look for something else. But what can he do NOW, while he still has a paycheck coming in? He can update and clean up his resume (you too). Look online, check in with contacts, check the paper, go through a head hunter, etc. He can take personal time or a day off (personal, sick, etc) to interview when he gets an interview scheduled. He doesn't need to quit a job to be available for an interview---just work until he gets called for one, and take a few hours or a day off for it. In the meantime, you could try to schedule interviews for hours your children are in school or have a babysitter watch them if needed for an interview. I would suggest taking a part time job on weekends (day so you have evenings home with the family, OR evenings so you have days home with the family), and also during their school hours. Put all the money you make into savings to build your cushion up, which will ease the fear your husband is feeling. And what can you do to assist your husband in his job search? Perhaps you can help him make a profile on Monster, or open up a junk email address for him for the job searches, or go through the online classifieds or his job search emails during the time you may be on mamapedia to help him out? I don't know....just suggestions.
5) Ross Perot is a very successful businessman, and he required all of his employees to make a handbook for their positions so that anyone could come and do their job well if something was to happen. I actually my own SAHM handbook with that in mind. I took a 3 ring binder and have my morning routine, evening routine, and basic daily stuff in there. I used flylady.net to help me with the ideas but made it my own to suit my schedule and my family's needs. I have the weekly schedule with what events we have on what days, my housework checklists and schedule, my favorite activities to take the kids to and the phone/addresses for emergency childcare, doctors, favorite restaurants, neighbors, all kinds of things. I have my printed off menu forms and shopping list stuff, etc, etc. It sounds a bit anal I'm sure, but when I was hurt and had surgery, my husband and my friend were able to just go through the checklists so easily and nothing missed a beat. When my youngest was born, my mom was incredulous and laughed at me for the binder, but it made things SO EASY for her to help out knowing what could get done on what days. Not that she "had" to do anything, but if she felt like it, then she could tell at a glance that "oh, today I could take Joe to small fry club and his friends will be there" or whatever. At the very least, make a streamlined, basic schedule for what really needs to be done and at what time (Kids up and dressed 6-6:10, breakfast 6:10-6:30, brush teeth, etc...what time to pick them up from school, etc) so he'd know clearly what hours he'd have to interview and all, if he WAS to lose his job or quit. (Heaven forbid).
I hope the best for you guys and hope it all gets sorted out quickly.

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J.M.

answers from Philadelphia on

I agree with Jo W's answer. Why are you so upset he;s asking you to find a job and help support the family? plenty of us HAVE to work full time, if this is what your famiyl needs you need to step up. Why in your mind is it automatically assumed you get to be the SAHP? ALSO you have a degree and haven't worked in 9 years! You NEED to get back out there and start working in that field so i something ever happens in your marriage (death, divorce, illness) you can provide for your children. The longer you wait the harder it will be. Maybe get a part time job and look for a full time job you would love while you're there so you can be a little picky? Aftercare will do homework so you'd stil get to enjoy time with them after. IDK if your husband is depressed abt his job and his happiness is important to you, than you should be searching for ways to help him, and if this is what he asked you should consider it and have a serious talk with him about what it means,

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B.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

If you know about how dishonest his employer is and how they jerk your husband around, then his wanting to quit should NOT have been a surprise.

His actually wanting you to get a job may be a surprise, but his wanting to quit shouldn't be.

He should start putting in job applications at several different employers. In Obamas' economy, its much easier to get a job if you already have a job. Support him and encourage him, and help him to get another job so he can quit where he works. If several of their employees quit quickly, his old employer MIGHT get the message.

Good luck to you and yours.

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R.D.

answers from Richmond on

It's a TEAM effort. Sounds to me like you flat out don't want to work. If it's for the well being of your family, why WOULDN'T you get a job?! When my husband was laid off from his crappy, high stress desk job, I was working TWO jobs while he found a better job... better being a lower paying, less stress job. I wanted my husband back to his happy self. It broke my heart how miserable he was at his old job. I encouraged him, but I also let him take his time finding something that was a better fit for him.

I would never in a million years refuse to get a job and tell my husband to suck it up.

Yes, your husband could have left it as an open offer on the table, just something to consider rather than 'telling' you to get a job, HOWEVER, I'd take the hint and immediately begin looking!!

Who knows, maybe it's better for your family dynamic for you to work full time, while he stays home with the kids. You'll never know with the mentality you've got right now... again, it's a team effort, and I would absolutely, for the best interest of my family as a whole, begin looking for a job, while he finds something he can really put his heart into.

You don't have to be a rocket scientist to get a job you'll enjoy.

Good luck!!

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C.C.

answers from San Francisco on

Well... we are a 2-parent work outside the home family. My kids are 6 and 9 and go to after school care. Kids adjust. They will be fine. I think what your husband is telling you is that he is really concerned with being the only breadwinner. He wants a second income in your family so he can have some mental breathing room. That is not totally unreasonable, in my opinion. You are a team, and this is only temporary, if I'm understanding you correctly? He needs your help to lift this burden - see what you can do! Maybe you can find something that works with your family's schedule. It will be okay! Hang in there!

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M.W.

answers from San Francisco on

Go get a good shave ice or haupia pie and take a few deep breaths...cuz your husband just knocked the air out of you.

I can't even imagine my husband doing this. I would be very upset if my hubby laid this on me. We always planned on me being a SAHM 'til kids are grown and out of the house. So, if he planned to make a game change in the middle...I'd be livid. My husband disliked his previous job...not the employers, they were wonderful. He looked for a job while still employed. He never considered me quitting my "job" as a SAHM to relieve him of his responsibility. He landed a new job and it is wonderful...he loves his job!

I am surprised he is simply telling you do to this and expecting you to go along with it. Well tell him you won't...then what does he do??

Sympathize with him. It has got to be miserable going to a job you hate day in and day out..ugh..talk about depressing and feeling like you are wasting your life away. Encourage him to look for a new job..help him. Also, work hard to make home a place where he can relax and enjoy. Be supportive but let him know you will not let him change the rules of the game in the middle... you have young kids who need a constant in their lives.

Good luck and best wishes...I feel for you.

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S.F.

answers from Utica on

This is just my opinion - take it for what its worth. I feel that if your kids are in school all day and only have that one hour or so after school that there is no reason what so ever for you not to be working already. I too am a SAHM and am expecting my second but I have full intentions to go back to work once my kids are in school. I think I would go bananas at home all day with nothing to do. Yes the cleaning needs to get done but I cant justify this being my reason to stay home and not work all day. I mean even if its a part time job during the day and you are there when the kids get home but otherwise why would you want to or need to be home all day if your kids are not even there? And if your husband is suggesting that you get a job so he can quit his wouldnt that mean that he will be the one that is home with the kids after school so there would be no need for after school care anyway?
Again this is just my opinion - take it with a grain of salt
Good Luck

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M.J.

answers from Minneapolis on

am with Momma L. I would in my case make him stand in the snow up to his willy nillies till he came to his senses that I would make a FRACTION of what he does and thats why IIIIIII am the SAHM. Hello I was working as a Animal Shelter Manager AND a Diploma Product Specialist at the same time and still made less than him. Thats before the three kids came in the picture. We are set pretty financially but what I make would MAYBE cover our mortgage monthly, but I'd have maybe 100 left over for everything else. um yeah not going to happen. We would be living in a van down by the river. HAHAHA

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C.K.

answers from San Antonio on

Question: Is he saying you work and he'll stay home? Or is he saying you need to work so that he can quit his current job and find another one (meaning you would both be working)?
Maybe I misunderstand, but it seems to me that both of y'all would be working. If not, then why the need for after-school care?

Marriage is a partnership, so if my husband was miserable at his job and told me I need to work so he could quit his job and take one that pays less then I would go find a job. If he wanted me to work so he could stay home but still put the kids in after-school care then I would have a problem with it.

I stay home now, but many years ago I worked. My husband didn't make enough money for me to stay home. I worked as a waitress because it allowed me to be home when my son was out of school. I worked the 7 am to 3 pm shift, and was off any weekend that my husband had to work. I made very good money and was still able to be there for my son, so it was a good solution for us. And even though I would rather have been a stay at home mom, I was willing to do what was necessary to help support my family.

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L.A.

answers from Austin on

Well what ever the 2 of you do, it needs to be now while he has a job. He can do a job search and so can you..

If he can find a better job great. he can quit this one and move on to the other. Or if he finds a job but it pays less and you can find a job to make up the difference, then consider it. Better to have a healthy happy husband than an unhappy one.

I am going through this right now with my husband.. He is very unhappy and stressed at his job. It is totally affecting him. I would love to take the stress off of him, but like you, I have not officially worked full time in decades.

I do special events so I never know what will be next. He also has always had the best health care and benefits.. This is the main reason he does not want to quit.

Yes, we have discussed it many times over the years. Usually once I start looking and can prove there is really nothing that equals his pay, he agrees he will keep searching around for something else.

I keep doing my best to dig up events.. Of course Christmas decorating is coming up and those clients are beginning to book their times and I have a few parties I will be doing so Christmas can now be covered and money towards our daughters Spring semester will be partially paid..

We just do our best. I listen to him and try to make his time at home as enjoyable and stress free as possible.

Hang in there. I wish I could help. I do have a friend that owns a Gymnastic business there, but not sure if it is in the same place you live or even close..

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M.P.

answers from Spartanburg on

Every family is different and has to make decisions that are best for them. Personally, I've told my husband on many occasions that if he gets to the point where he hates his job, he should quit. He currently makes 4 times what I could ever make, and we would have to sell our house and downsize a lot, but I really never want him to hate his job. No one should have to live like that. But as I said, every family is different, there is no one-size-fits-all solution here. If your gut is telling you this is a really bad idea, you can't ignore that.

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A.M.

answers from Dallas on

Susan, I am just sending good thoughts your way. I am hoping your husband was just frustrated and talking without thinking and will come around. You always give really thoughtful answers, are obviously a great mom, and offer great advice to many here. I hate to see you upset and going through this. Hang in there and ride it out. I agree with most of the posters that it will work out the way it is meant to and that he is not thinking clearly. Maybe give him some time to think it through before you react. HUGS!

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A.W.

answers from Kalamazoo on

Did he JUST lay this on you? If so,let it ride for a day or two. People say all kinds of things when stressed. He needs to find a new job. He has been working and it will probably be easier for him to find something than you who hasn't worked in 9 yrs. He just recently started looking? Try not to get angry, although I understand why you are freaked. I wouldn't want to be put in that situation either. Men carry much stress about providing for their families, maybe it was just his way of lashing out.

Give him some good sex and maybe he'll forget this whole crazy notion ;)
sorry if that was too blunt, but he is stressed..........

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C.J.

answers from Milwaukee on

If I had the earning power I'd TOTALLY work and let him be at home. He's a rockin' dad and can handle everything I can. ( I SO lucked out with him!)

He's busted his butt for a loooong time but we live in the REAL WORLD and our economy SUUUUCKS in this area.

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E.D.

answers from Seattle on

Well, it sounds like multiple factors are at play.

1. Your husband didn't include you in ya'lls decision making process. That feels upsetting and unsettling.

2. Your husband has proposed an unrealistic solution to a sub ideal situation. That's bringing up a lot of concern and fear about the stability of your future as a family.

3. He despises going to work at his place of employment. His job feels unstable and he feels upset with his bosses since they've made decisions which have put their employees needs at risk. He feels trapped and needs out.

That's all really frickin' reasonable sounding to me. The tricky bit is figuring out a way where he can transition from his work as quickly as possible without your financial stability being put at risk. You don't want your kid's routeing disrupted, to be out of health insurance, or to be pushed into a marginal job market after nine years of being out of work (outside the home). He needs out, you need to be a part of this planning how this goes and who it affects.

Anyway, Susan, I know you to be insightful, compassionate, communicative and authentic. I have every faith that you will find your way in this. Good luck, big hugs, and sending you a big hot cup of coffee and a walk on the beach.

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J.V.

answers from Kalamazoo on

I would be like AWESOME!! First of all we would have to move, we live in Michigan which has the second lowest economy of the country. We stay here because he has a great job, I however cannot get one in my field because of the state's situation. Also, I would love for him to stay home and deal with all the running sick kids last minute "get me this or that's". Then I could just use the "I work" line when I don't want to deal with something.....If he stayed home there wouldn't be any after school care, they don't do that now so why would they if he's at home. OOOhhhh...you could come home and look around the house and be like "what'd you do all day?". I'm not making fun it's just a nice fantasy for me. But why not look around? you never know I found the more I made my husband do with the kids the better he got at it. Maybe he could sell some Avon so he could have some pocket change? I rarely get to by myself anything. Don't get me wrong I have a wonderful husband but it really wasn't my choice to stay home (especially now that the kids are a little older) the economy decided that for us. I too went to college and feel almost like that is just going to waste and the longer Im not out there the harder it will be to re-enter the job force. Good luck with this one!

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B.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Well, my husband is the stay at home parent and I work, so I guess I'm in an opposite situation. We made the decision jointly. He put me through school and paid everything so I could go full time, then he was completely burnt out and needed a break. Then I got pregnant and we decided he would stay home. It sounds to me like your husband is just frustrated. You should have a rational conversation about what kind of job you could get, how much it would pay, and how much it takes to support your family, including after care for your kids if he's not going to take care of them. Once you have the realities in place, the two of you need to decide together how you want to proceed. Obviously, he shouldn't be quitting any job until one or both of you have replacement jobs.

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J.S.

answers from Hartford on

Yeah, you get a job "right now" because it's just so easy to find a job to replace his salary so he can stay home and do what he thinks you do while you don't bring in nearly half of what he makes by sheer virtue of having been out of the work force for 9 years AND being a woman making only $0.75 on his dollar to begin with... plus you would be spending your smaller paycheck on daycare? When you don't now?

I'd be laughing. My husband has said the same thing to me. I just nod and smile at this point. "Sure honey. I'll get right on that. As soon as an employer bites, I'll let you know." In the meantime I'm trying to get my medical issues dealt with, my daughter's special needs taken care of, and working hard to find an employer who could work hours that I know would be appropriate ie. not cater to my husband's sense of what things should be.

You're not a trained monkey and it's not as if you can magically snap your fingers and make a job appear. You're also not his slave who has to obey his command. He's stressed out and his wishes are coming out as demands. Just go with the flow and smile and nod. Make effort to fill out applications for jobs that have hours for when he would be home to begin with and then shrug your shoulders and say, "The extra money would have been nice but if I'm going to work out of the home I'm probably going to need to get a new certification which means you're going to have to spend some money to let me take classes and tests and books before I can even start interviewing for lucrative jobs."

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L.M.

answers from Kansas City on

I would be miffed to say the least. NO he IS the man in the house. You have been doing your duty for 9+ years and NOW to tell you to get a job is unfair.

He will not take on your responsibilities while he is at home. Men always find that "project" that needs to be done around the house. NO time for the kids, make dinner or keep the house clean. Who will end up paying for everything? YOU.. and trust me being out of work for 9 years will not put you in a position where you can earn nearly enough to support your family. Even WITH WICK and food stamps etc.

He needs to suck it up, bite the bullet, not say anything to his co workers or boss, just find that job, move on! If he then wants you to work too, well that is a different story. Then you will be able to afford child care, a maid, and lawn service.

But until then.. HE needs to provide for his family.

Tell him NO.

Sorry I don't mean to be so mean.. I just feel your pain and I know how hard this must be. I grew up poor, my mother looked after my brother and me, and she could not afford food sometimes. We often ate dinner at our neighbors' bless their hearts. Or we would go beg down the street for a cup of sugar.

No you don't want that for your kids.. cos if you take a job now, it will be asif you are a single mom to 3 kids.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

First off, if he is not working, or is just looking for work there is absolutely no reason for after school care, he wants to be the stay at home parent, he can be responsible for being home when the kids get there, helping with homework, taking them to activities, and doing all the cooking and cleaning. If his job is really that bad I would consider looking for something, but the fact is, like you, we could not live off what I could earn on my own right now without selling our home and downgrading. So he needs to realize that even if you find something, he more than likely would have to keep working until he found something else, and since you would both be working he would be responsible for 50% of what you normally do as a stay at home. He will not think you have it easy for long!

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K.F.

answers from New York on

My first reaction to my husband making a statement like that to me if I were in your position would be to laugh in his face long and hard. It would have been the funniest thing I have heard in a long time. After wiping the tears from my eyes and waiting for my side to stop hurting from the hearty laugh I would ask him if he were serious.

After finding out he was serious I would then ask him to do some reseach for me on after school programs and their cost. And although you have been out of the job marketplace it is easy to say you won't make much money but in some cases that isn't true. You don't know until you start looking for yourself.

If he comments weren't so laughable to me I would probably be offended. I would just move in a direction to give him just enough information to draw the conclusion that the status quo needs to continue but with him at a new job.

Please stop job hunting for this grown man. I don't care what he says to you. He really is better equipped to do his own job search. Not you. My husband does his own job searches and does quite well. That should be a responsibility he should be willing to handle.

Encourage him no to give in to the pressure of being a man with a family and responsibilities. Also if you can and when you can give him a taste of what life may look like when you have to work and he has to be there with the kids holding it down.

Don't fuss just show him in your quite respectful way. We all know a reverse of fortune is not what is going to happen in this case. You earn less than he does so how would that work? Again don't fuss or nag or any of that just play the helpless little woman role and show him the facts.

He is just caving under the pressure of life. Don't let him collapse on you and the family.

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X.O.

answers from Chicago on

Wow, I am sorry that you are even having to deal with this. Seriously, he has to be realistic about earning potential. Mine is about 15% of my hubby's, so it'd be a complete no-brainer for us.

Why don't you do the math for him--lay it out on paper to see exactly what your monthly budget and defecit would look like if you were the sole breadwinner (assuming that in this terrible economy you are able to find a job, after nearly a DECADE at home.) Honestly, I think most employers would take someone with current office experience before they'd hire one of us long-term SAHMs.

Honestly, he is going to have to tough it out and stay at his job until he can find another job with similar compensation.

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☆.A.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I think, most likely, he is suggesting this out of desperation, maybe.
Surely, if you & he sit down & crunch the numbers he will quickly see that it is just not going to work.

O. thought though--if he's not working for awhile--you won't need after school care--he'll be there. He will need to fill in all o the areas where you would now be absent.

Worst case scenario--you get a job, he's home, he gets another job, you quit.

If you take the money out of the equation, I really feel like the O. who works is the O. who has the "walk in the park" existence. Don't get me wrong--my husband has a physically demanding, high stress job, but ALL of the day-to-day rap that I deal with and take care of is maddening!
Most men would HATE it. And have a really hard time juggling it all (sorry great SAHD's who may be reading this!).

I think if he REALLY sits and gives this more thought, he will see that the reasonable thing to do is to keep looking and make that job change asap. Even if it is a slight pay cut, it might be significantly more than you would bring in.

It really sounds like he is not clearly thinking this through at all. I hope it is the knee-jerk reaction of a desperate man who will see things MUCH more clearly in a day or two.

Hang in there S.H.!

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M.R.

answers from Phoenix on

I think your husband is stressed with his work environment and throwing random ideas out there. Sort of like if you throw enough sh*t on the wall something's gotta stick.

I would take a big breath, and in a quieter moment review the amount of $$ he would make in a new position over you finding a new job after being at home with the kids and trying to re-enter the workforce.

Chances are he's probably quite logical and will see that his comment does not make sense....and that you do not need to respond so strongly to every time he's upset.

When my husband is stressed I make him a nice meal, I keep the kids busy, I go and take a bath....I leave him alone and give him space and put on a candle.

Stay positive. Be his cheerleader. This will pass. So often these scenarios force us to move on, and the move was better in the long run.

Peace to you all.

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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

OMG, that would be completely overwhelming and I understand why you are so upset.
I have my MBA but after being out of the workforce for 9 years I still think I would be starting over probably making much less than when I left work. Additionally, there is no way I could even afford the mortgage/taxes and bills to live in our current house so we would have to move for starters.
Good luck to you. I hope your husband comes to his senses. It just sounds crazy for him to quit his job.

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T.C.

answers from Dallas on

Based on your hubby's thinking, I would be VERY upset if I were you. I understand him keeping his job, looking for a new one, then starting a new one when he finds one...and maybe asking you to get a job while the kids are in school (if you guys need the money REALLY bad). But, for him to quit so you can work?!! No way! I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't sacrifice my kids for that.

I'm sorry your hubby has the view that he has. I am grateful that my hubby values what I do (what all SAHM's and working moms do) and doesn't at all think I am being lazy or that I'm watching TV all day. He knows I'm kept really busy and that he has the easier end of things! In the past, he's worked two jobs at a time, over 60 hours a week, in order to make ends meet. He would never ask me to work, unless it was TRULY necessary, because it's something (me staying home w/kids) that we both feel is very important.

If I had your husband, and if I was in exactly the situation you are describing, I really don't think I'd do it! Not because I'm lazy or anything...but it logically makes NO SENSE. My hubby has worked hard to get where he is. If I went back to work, and made what I made before, I'd make maybe 1/4 of what he makes...maybe. It would be ridiculous for me to do that.

Your hubby needs a new job. Needs to stay with current job until he has new job. And needs to let you keep doing your job. His "solution" is very confusing to me as to how it's actually a solution for anyone but himself. What if he decides to not look for another job?

But, if by chance you go back to work, then your hubby needs to take your job completely - he needs to be 100% responsible for the cooking, cleaning, child care, homework, etc. It's not something you'd still be responsible for when you get home from work (like I see so many couples do! The hubby and wife both work, then the wife comes home and does all the cleaning/cooking still while the hubby does nothing - how does that make sense?!).

I hope you are able to figure this out! I'm so sorry you are feeling stressed over this right now. (((hugs))) I hope he is able to find a new job quickly without having to quit his current one.

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J.C.

answers from Rockford on

I would feel very upset. Your husband "told" you this. That is way different from him suggesting it and then the two of you sitting down and talking about all the alternatives, choices, pros, cons. His plan is to upset your entire lives completely. With no input from you???? At this point he is being very unreasonable. If he is unhappy at work, then he must pick up his game and aggressively search for other employment. He is kidding himself if he thinks it will be easier for you, out of the workforce for 9 years to suddenly find a job, than him, currently employed, finding a new job. Employers are looking for people who are already working. That's just how it is these days. His earning potential is higher at this point also since he has been in the workforce and you have not. I would tell him that in two days, when BOTH of you have time to mull things over and what you want/think is best, then BOTH of you will sit down with equal respect and say to discuss this at length. It may take more than one talk, but for heaven's sake he MUST talk and not just "tell" you how it is.

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K.M.

answers from Denver on

That is tough. I know in our situation I could not make near as much as my husband. My husband has a doctorate degree and I have a bachelor. Like AV said you need to sit down and talk about realities. HE would have to get the kids and not do after school care because you would not be able to afford it etc... He may be just frustrated and spoke out of frustration. Sorry for you! I hope it all works out!

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B.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

It sounds like he is not thinking of what is best for the family, only what will get him out of this hellish situation.

Has this been going on for a while and building or is he especially frustrated after a bad day? How long has he really been looking for another job. (This reminds me of the saying 'Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part.') Are there many prospects out there for him? does he believe your background will afford you to find a job quicker?

My first job out of college was for one of 'those' companies. Let me tell you...it built character alright. But I feel that one of my accomplishments in life was sticking it out until I found something else (and I didn't have any body depending on me at the time.) Yes it sucked.

I almost think he is miserable so he wants you to share a little bit of the misery. I must admit thought that I was confused as to why you would need after school care if he is home. I assumed that his idea was for you to get a job so that he can stay home??

Fortunately my husband is one of those that appreciates the effort it takes to raise kids. Even though he is under a lot of pressure and there are days where his job really sucks he will still tell me that my job is 'inifinitely harder'.

So to answer your question, if my husband said that to me than I guess we would have to weigh the options to determine what is best for the family. I can totally see your point of view and how it would turn your family upside down. I hope your husband is rational enough to think this through a little more and to see how irrational he is being.

Is there any way you could offer to assist in his job hunting effort? Spruce up his resume, check the classifieds, browse Monster... Maybe he could call a head hunter as well to maybe speed up things.

I hope you are feeling a litlle less bewildered and things are calming down. You always give good, solid, sound advice and I hope I have done the same for you!

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C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

If my husband told me to find a job - I would. But I do know that my husband would NOT be a great SAHP - not that's he's not a good dad - but he is the "He Man Provider" so while it may be great for a month or two? Long Term? Nope.

My husband knows first hand that being a SAHP is NOT easy. He THOUGHT i watched TV all day and ate bon-bons...when he was RIF'd in 2002 when our boys were young - he saw the play dates, cleaning, shopping, planning, etc and ended up bowing to me. He in NO WAY thought or thinks that a SAHM does NOT contribute to the family - just the opposite- he believes I am the reason our family is successful because I can do it well.

He can handle it for a weekend and maybe a month or two...but after that? I truly think he would be going stir crazy.

After school care for $100 a kid a month?! HOLY SMOKES!! That is CHEAP!!! Especially for Hawaii. But I haven't lived there since 1976 so I know the cost of living has only gone up. Here in DC? it's $200 a week for after school care...

I wouldn't be upset if my husband told me to get a job. But I would be mad if he up and quit his job before I had one. THAT would piss me off to no end.

I hope you communicate your confusion, anger and all the things you are feeling so that you can work this together. It's not easy. I understand not being happily employed. It is VERY stressful!!

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J.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

I feel for you. It sounds like it is awful for you right now. It seems I am in the minority here. Why does a grown man with responsibilities think he should quit his job because his bosses are jerks? Almost every boss I ever had was a jerk. If he was laid off and you had better job skills then I get it. He thinks life is not fun so I'm not supporting my family. You do it wifey. What? Our grandparents generation would be horrified. I'm so sorry. I would encourage him to toughen up as jobs of any kind are scarce. If it were me I would stand firm remind him to man up and pray he finds another job. I'm so shocked most of the mamas think this is normal grown man behavior.

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J.L.

answers from Minneapolis on

I would be first thinking this is a red flag that he needs to see a mental health specialist. His thinking is totally irrational, and that has me thinking he might be having a breakdown or a serious bout with depression. I wouldn't mess around with that, and would suggest that you find a therapist for him. Go as a family. But don't put it off. Go.

If he's not having mental health issues, then I'd say he's totally clueless about what is going on out there. Whatever you do, you've go to convince him to hang on to his job...even if he hates it. Finding one right now won't be an easy task, and just leaving could mean never being employed again!

Doesn't he know unemployment is at a record high? That people are camped outside banks and millionaires homes in protest? That people with advanced degrees are commiting violence waiting in long lines just to get an interview for a part-time sales job at Walmart because there is nothing else for them to do?

If he's been in the work world for a significant amount of time, and has been reading the papers and watching the news, he knows that his idea is ridiculous.

In this economic downturn, where companies are laying off people by the palate and anyone over 35 who hasn't been employed for over a year is considered unemployable, he is dreaming if he thinks you'll be able to find a job, let alone a full-time one that will provide benefits for the entire family. That is just not realistic. Not to belittle being a SAHM or to frighten you, but things aren't good for those who've been active in the rat race. For those who have been off the track for a while, it's downright impossible to even get into the running. There is just too much competition.

Short of him exhibiting real signs of dangerous depression, suicidal thoughts, or threats of violence, etc., while his job may be awful, and the environment toxic, you need to encourage him to stay on until he can find something else. Employment experts everywhere are recommending that people DO NOT quit their jobs in hopes of finding another one in the next weeks or months. Doing so, he could totally cut any chances of employment he may have, permanently. That is how stiff and cut throat the competition is for jobs. Those days and that model of picking and choosing a job freely are things of the past. Companies have the upper hand, and potential employees are now a dime a dozen, and that means companies are flat out not hiring anyone who isn't currently employed somewhere.

If you think this is more than a person fed up with his job, but something more serious like a psychological illness brewing, suggest he or the whole family see a therapist. Most health insurance plans will cover this. It sounds like he needs a healthy outlet to vent about his fears and concerns, and to help him sort out a viable plan to leave this place so he can land on his feet.

If money is tight, you might want to look for a part-time job anyway, perhaps during the holiday season to alleviate pressure he may be feeling. But he has to understand and know, the likelihood of you being employable if you've been off the market for sometime, is low next to impossible. Those jobs are being snapped up by former corporate department heads trying to keep from losing their home, and recent college grads panicking because they can't live on their post-grad internship salary of $3 an hour much longer.

If he really needs you to contribute with an acutal career, not just a part-time gig at a local department store per se, you both need to get in contact with a career counselor and start working on a strategy to help you both prepare to become more marketable so that you can have a decent shot at something worthwhile and he can transition to a new company more suited to his personality and skills. You may even have to go back to school to get training to become viable again, but with such a big endeavor and challenges like juggling kids and household expenses, a career counselor might be very helpful in helping you both rebuild your resumes and contacts in the field of your expertise, and helping you know what degrees or certification to pursue and which will be most marketable.

And even then there are no guarantees for employment. I have several friends with MBAs who have been laid off from high paying careers only to be left unemployed for over a year, and others who wound up losing their home, car, and saddled with crushing debt after settling with jobs as sales clerks in a store just to keep food on the table.

There simply aren't many jobs out there, the competition is steep, and that means he's going to have to find the strength to grin and bear it until he can find a new job. And realistically, if things are that bad, you both will need to find work. Not him stay home and you work. That just isn't going to happen if he's reading the signs...watching the trends...he'll know that.

Hang in there. Bring him proof if he needs convincing that he needs to hang tough before leaping.

See:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/06/04/disturbing-job-a...

http://www.npr.org/2010/12/14/132056874/the-hard-truth-co...

http://money.cnn.com/2010/06/16/news/economy/unemployed_n...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/03/women-recession-...

http://www.tmsspecialtyproducts.com/article/Aged-out-Unem...

http://www.bankrate.com/brm/news/pf/20020520a.asp

http://jezebel.com/5824246/your-bachelors-degree-no-longe...

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A.S.

answers from Iowa City on

We have discussed this. If I get a job and earn approximately what my husband earns (or more), he will become the stay-at-home-parent. We intend to have one of us at home until the children are in school full time. If you don't want to put your children in child care, and your husband isn't working, I see no reason why he can't watch them and help with homework. If I were in your exact situation I would look for a job and encourage my husband to do the same. Whoever got the best offer first would be the one to take the job. Good luck.

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L.M.

answers from Chicago on

Wow, I can understand your concerns. He shouldn't have surprised you with his personal plan. You both should be coming up with a way to make everyone happy. I wouldn't stress out about it. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. I would consider looking for work as well. Just try. I have 2 degrees and I am just entering back into the workforce after being off for roughly 5 years. I'm clearly not making what I used to make. I took an entry level position so that I could be at home with my child in the evenings. I'm ok with it because the economy is not good right now. I also took the position to help out with these new elevated cost every year without our consent or approval. lol
There are lots of people moving out of Chicago because it's just getting to be totally ridulous! In my opinion, I would just start looking, you never know what you may find.

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B.C.

answers from Tampa on

Tell him to suck it up and to be a responsible man about it.

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A.W.

answers from Seattle on

If it was an even swap, I'd definitely do it. But that means no after school care or anything different than what you are doing. I too, would have a hard time because I would make no where near what my husband made, but if he was willing to sacrifice and live with even less pay, I would do it. I would not mind the switch at all as long as my hubby was doing exactly what I was doing at home - cleaning, laundry, chauffer, homework, food, etc.

It doesn't sound like it would be that way for you though. Why would they have to go to afterschool care if your husband is at home. And that he feels that you have it easy....that isn't fair. If my husband was going to just sit around and do nothing, I would be very angry.

I wish I had some advice for you other that to sit down and talk to him about it. Like come up with a list of things that he will have to do(that you are currently doing) and a budget.

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J.H.

answers from Honolulu on

Post on craigslist as a babysitter. You could probably bring in some fair cash doing what you're already doing then maybe everyone could be happy?

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L.F.

answers from San Francisco on

Tell him NO. He needs to suck it up and keep his job until he finds something better. You on the other hand can find a part-time home based gig that supplements your income. But you dont have to be the sole breadwinner. That is what I am working towards---GL

M

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C.S.

answers from Las Vegas on

I will start out with saying I am employed full time. It is not easy, but we manage.

It sounds like his comment was unexpected, flip, and was done in poor taste using poor communication.

With that said, would it really be so horrible to go back to work and contribute? Maybe he is burned out and that is understandable. Certainly an additional $1500 would help our dual income, so I could see where it would help a single income. If the kids are in school, what would it really hurt? Could you pull it off if you worked part time while they are in school?

Maybe it is time to step up and offer to help out financially. Let him know you will need his help and he can't be a SAHD because you will need his financial assistance, but you can help. Make a schedule for him to assist with meal preparation, homework, and extra activity transportation. Maybe this will help you afford a nice family vacation so he can relax.

I don't expect my husband to be Super Dad, however, I do expect he help out. His offer means the world to me, even if he doesn't do so well at the project.

Best wishes.

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

i'd be pretty upset if i were you. it's one thing for a couple to sit down together, assess their situation, skills and prospects and arrive at a mutual decision to go this route. quite another for him to decide it on his own and present you with a decision accompli.
he obviously has a very unrealistic idea of what being a SAHP is like.
i guess one strategy would be for both of you to job hunt, and whoever finds the first *good* job that can realistically support the family will be the one to give it a shot. but that means he has to REALLY job hunt and be mature about the salary prospects.
sounds like a man who needs a big ol' wake-up kick in the patootie.
:P
khairete
S.

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C.A.

answers from New York on

First of all if he quits he will be staying home until he finds a job, so why do your kids have to go in a afterschool program? It is hard enough for ppl that just lost their jobs to get another one so why would he expect you to get a job right off the bat after 9 years? I would tell him to deal with it until he gets another job. If anything tell him to get fired so that he can collect unemployment. Men just don't think sometimes. I would not let him do that to you.
Second- what makes him think that you can find a job that pays well and can support everyone? He is adding an extra $200 a month to the mix for afterschool care. Plus the fact that you will have to pay for health insurance which is not cheap anymore. I would do my research and sit down with him and tell him its just not possible.

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C.J.

answers from Dallas on

Ok I don't understand why in the world they would have to go to after school care if your husband is at home, WTH? He CAN go to interviews in the morning and look online for a job during the SEVEN hours that school lasts.

This is not a fair trade by any means, he would HAVE to fill in for you too. If you're getting a job and filling in for him, then he has to do his part too. What does he think , that you don't do ANYTHING at all. So basically, he just wants to be home , look at a few job ads, make calls for 10 hours straight? and not do any of the home responsibilities you have right now? Who is going to do it?
I guess he wants you to resume being a SAHM every evening after you come home from work and bring a paycheck.
I'm so sorry but I got peeved reading about your husband's ridiculous demands.

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J.W.

answers from Honolulu on

Oh, I'm sorry this got dropped on you (like a ton of bricks). I like reading your posts here and you seem like a good mom and wife.

I hope things are better now. I don;t know if it's a guy thing, but when my husband gets really stressed, he acts a bit crazy like this. and then a few days later, he is okay and things are more rational :) i hope that's your case, now too.

Like a lot of the pp mentioned, we try to see our marriage and family as a joint effort; it's not always fair and great for everyone at all times, but we try to have things balance out in the end. I have always told my husband that if he were MISERABLE and had tried hard to change the situation but w no luck, then I would move, sell the house and do whatever so that we could both be some degree of happy. In the end, as long as we are together and can provide for our family, I will do what it takes. And so will he-- and to some degree we have done this over the course of our 16 year marriage for each other. but with little kids (ours are 3 and 6, so I can relate), it gets more complicated and we both know that; we can't jsut quit and then try to get a new job... not in this economy.

so i hope your husband has had time to cool off; my suggestion is to sit down and make a plan; a "i've got your back and you've got mine" plan. it may mean you agree to get a job or at least make an honest effort to find one and see what it out there. and it means your husband can not stress you out that way and say, i'm quitting.... agree to make changes in 6 months or a year if things do not improve at his work. even moving out of state-- if that is possible. as much as we don't want to leave hawaii, it is on our list of things we would consider if we had to...

and finally, i work full time teaching at a community college and while it has been a juggle at times (no family on the island) it has been pretty good. my kids go to aftercare once or twice a week and they like it-- they do their homework and then play play play :) one mom i know was really struggling w what to do and she ended up getting a job at the school (where she has 3 kids) thing about what you might want to do for work? it doesn't have to be all bad :)

hang in there

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D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

SH, you do have a say. You let him continue to look for a job. You already HAVE a job.

Your husband is telling you that he wants to be a house husband and NOT take care of the kids. Once he quits because you have a job, he will not look for one and will expect you to work two jobs for him.

Don't do it.

If he quits, it's on HIM, SH. Don't fall for this.

Dawn

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A.Y.

answers from Detroit on

I would be so angry with him - for a LONG time - if he seriously wants you to do this. if he is just blowing off steam because he is upset, maybe you can talk it over with him and make him be more reasonable. most men would run if they actually had to stay at home every day! he'd probably regret making you switch roles.

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C.F.

answers from Portland on

If I could get a job paying at least what his job was I would LOVE that chance!

I miss working and wish I could go back all of the time.
We do not have the money for daycare and things so that I can work... yet.
Next year she will be in all day, mandatory school (1st grade) and and have access to after school programs, so I AM getting a job, at least part time and going back to school!

I can NOT wait for adult interactions and conversations!!!
6 years of staying at home is 5 years longer than I EVER thought about doing it for!

I don't even think I would care if my husband thought i had it easy (which mine does NOT) I would just let him do it and prove myself right in the long run.

Anyway, that was just the rant of someone who REALLY cant wait to get back to working outside the home, slightly different perspective for you :)

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I would get a large sheet of poster board and draw up a budget for minimum wage. 30-35% should go for housing costs, including house payment and all utilities, insurance, etc....and some should go into savings for repairs too..

Then I would list all the bills.

Then I would add the amounts down each column. That is a visual of how much you'd be going in the hole each month...

I'd show him the Realtor's card I had visited about selling the house.

Then I'd tell him that XXX car lot is waiting for him to bring his vehicle by so they can give him a price on it so they can sell it for him/buy it from him.

Next tell him how much the club membership cancellations would save the family each month, how not going anywhere with his friends, having special coffee, what ever little things he is used to having will go bye-bye, be very detailed and make it all come off his end, then see if he still wants to make you support him.

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J.B.

answers from Houston on

I might freak our first, bc I have been out of the work force now for 5 yrs and bc it would just be really new information. Then I would try to settle myself down and talk all sides out with my husband after I got a grip on my sprawling feelings about everything. I would probably be highly opinionated about my take on things so my challenge would be to listen to him and actually care about his point of view ;) I am totally serious on that, it would be hard for me and it something I am continually working on and growing in within my marriage. From there, who knows, I guess I would have to see what the things I said above evolved into. Wish you the best, it was a huge bombshell for sure!!! Hope you are on the way to sorting it all out!

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E.S.

answers from Dayton on

Oh Susan-that's horrible! I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this.
I will be thinking of you and praying you and DH come to a sensible solution.

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C.S.

answers from Kansas City on

I would go make him a sammich and start looking for a job!

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