SAHM In Distress

L.,

You have gotten some great advice. You are not alone in this. The thing I wanted to add is that it seems lots of women give the impression that everything is wonderful and their lives are perfect...no one wants to complain or look like they can't do it all; but everyone has struggles.

When a baby is born, "everyone" says the baby is doing great, mom is doing great, and all is well...we just don't seem to really talk about the hard times...recovering from childbirth takes time (and you still have to do everything for the new baby), losing the weight can take time, feeling isolated at home alone with a baby can wear on you, and of course you still have to deal with housework AND your hubby wants his special attention, too. It really doesn't leave much for us moms.

Try to get out of the house, even if it's just to walk around the block with the baby. Those walls feel like they can close in on you if you're inside too long. It does get easier with time. Enjoy your baby!

I work part time doing hair, so I am away from them about 30 hours in 7 days. I think thats what you need, find something to do part time to break your time up. I love it because I can work whenever I want and how much I want. So I am there to pick them up from school and take them to their activities. Find something you can do to break up your time. Good Luck!!

That 1st year is so hard because the babies can't do much. There will come a time when you're so busy that you will crave to stay at home. Right now you're baby is so portable that you can take him anywhere...mall, bookstore, etc. When he turns 6 mos., you can sign him up for a Gymboree class or at another gym.

My son is 3 1/3 & doesn't go to school or MDO. We have him enrolled in several classes at Win Kids, plays ball with the local league, & we take him to events around town. We're busy!! I was a little bored, too, that first year. It will get better!

I think Heather's advice is great. It is wonderful to be a stay at home mom, but it can also be stifling, overwhelming, and boring! There is nothing wrong with feeling any of that (we feel those same things in other jobs, too - right?).

When I was first home with my new baby (now 6), it was such a huge change. Like you, I was always on the go and busy - and loved it. I also loved being at home, but there were parts of me that were very unfulfilled. I made the adjustments needed, and I'm still at home, but I know some day soon, I will branch out to more things. What you're feeling is normal, and it doesn't mean you don't love your child or that you're ungrateful. It just means you want/need more variety in what you do. I hope you can find a part-time job or volunteer work that fills that need! If not, maybe try working on computer skills or learning Spanish or something that may translate into a job later. Hang in there!

I haven't read any other posts so I apologize for re-posting any advice.

Well, your baby is still so young and being he is your only child, it can get pretty boring throughout the day being at home all day with a 3 mnth old.
I was the same way when I had my first..... just bored out of my mind!
I too wanted to get back into the work scene but I couldn't bare to think of someone else raising my child.
I'm now pregnant with my 3rd and now have a 6 yr old daughter and 2 yr old son.
I honestly can't say I LOVE being a SAHM 100% of the time but I know that I absolutely love the fact that I'm able to raise my kids and be here for them anytime they need me.
I still get bored quite a bit but trust me, it helps when your baby is old enough when you can start really interacting with him.

I don't think I'll always stay at home but I'd like to be home with them long enough until they have to start school.
It also helps now that my 6 yr old is in school. It gives me something to have to get up early and start my day out doing something right away and keeps her more busy throughout the day.
If you don't feel a moms group is the place for you, they're probably not.
I've never joined one however when your baby is old enough, you'll be able to take him to the park more and possibly meet some other moms like you.

Good luck and hang in there!
It will get easier and alot funner....just remember, you're just starting out with your new baby. You have alot ahead of you!

Take care,
N.

Oh, honey, what you are feeling is completely normal! First of all, this is all new to you, so big life changes are a huge adjustment. Be patient with yourself. Also, not every woman likes being home. I had those same feelings when I first both of my daughters. I am still a sahm, but it took adjustment, and there are days where I am soooo bored, or stressed, or just wanting to be in the adult world. I have made the dicision to go back to school myself (grad school), full time. I have worries myself, but I know that in the long run, we will all benefit. Just keep in mind that your baby deserves a happy mom! Do what you think is right. Maybe give yourself more time at home, you might adjust. Maybe not. no matter what, cherish this time! Something I learned with my 1st baby, is that they grow up way too fast and you will miss them as babies. Good luck!!

I can completely relate, I was also really busy, then I had my son 06/03/07, and stayed home with him and things slowed down. I also nurse him so at the beginning I felt like that was all I did, I sat infront of the t.v. with a baby atached to me for hours. My husband works a lot of hours, so even though I was always with my baby I was lonely. I also felt really guilty because babies was what I always wanted and then when I had the opportunity to stay home with him I didn't have the reaction I expected. I got a job at a church working at a child care center about 20 hrs a week. I get to bring him with me, it gets me out of the house, and I get that adult interaction I need from my co-workers. The extra money is also nice, on the days I don't work I go to the mall or someplace, and I don't feel guilty buying stuff cause it doesn't come out of our budget. My son likes looking around while I push him in the stroller. This worked out well for me. Maybe you can get a part-time job, join a gym w/ a child care center,if volunteer work made you happy you should keep doing it and just strap your baby to you. I bring my kid with me everywhere and have never gotten even a raised eyebrow from anybody. You should not feel guilty. Also the older your baby gets s/he will just get more fun and you'll be able to do more with him. Oh and about your comment on moms 'made' to stay home I have had the exact same thought and felt envious of them, I wondered if it had to do with age(I am 22) like they had a lot of time in the work field and felt ready to stay home(hope that doesn't sound silly), I don't know I guess we all have our good and bad days regardless of age.

L.,
I totally empathize with you. I had my son at 40. I started staying home with him at 41. Talk about a mess. I was an event planner and totally organized in my job and felt useless at first when I started staying home. I read a book called "Chief Home Officer". It was awesome. Just a book about another mom's challenge to change her career from professional worker at an office, to a professional worker at home.
The truth is, time management, budgets and lots of similarities exist between the two. PLUS - you have gotten some great advise. Join a mom's group. MOPS is great. There are plenty in the area. There are so many moms groups in this area that you should be able to find interaction for both of you.
My husband travels a lot, gone weeks at a time (currently gone for ten months in Iraq, but he'll be back Friday). It is hard and sometimes BORING because neither of us are from here.
My point is, you aren't alone. Your feelings are normal... and I applaud you for asking... I mean, so much of being a new mom is "should I be feeling this way? doing this?, etc..."
Good luck to you!
Hugs,
E.

I am right there with you. I taught high school Spanish for the past 7 years and helped sponsor many events at the school. I was busy all of the time. I worked until my daughter was born this summer. I am now getting a little bored. I started going to the library for Toddler Time - my daughter is the youngest by a few months, but it is fun to get out and see other kids. My husband and I are here on our own since all of our family members live in NJ and MD, so I am hoping to find more things to do to get out of the house with Lily. But, now that she is getting older (6 months), she is starting to like to do more things. It will get better for you.

Well, hopefully, you have figured out by all of the other posts that this is a normal feeling. I left a high paying, high stress, long hours job to stay at home with my daughter and it was a completely different world. You tend to adjust with time. At 3 months old, I took my daughter everywhere. We went to the mall, the zoo (she couldn't see any of the animals yet, but at least we would be outside on a nice day), anywhere I wanted/needed to go. Getting out of the house at least once per day definitely helps and when your son gets older, there are tons of things you can do with him (Library toddler time, Gymboree or something similar, playgroups where the kids actually play, etc). You could also look into a Mother's Day Out program to give yourself some extra time to volunteer somewhere. I did that with my daughter and was a mentor for an elementary school student and it was so rewarding and time well spent. If you need adult interaction, then find somewhere where other adults volunteer. You can't go wrong with that!

I wish you the best. I would say to give it at least a year to decide if you're cut out for this. By then, your little one will be able to interact with you more and I promise you, it won't be quite as boring. I took a 1 year leave of absence from my job in the beginning to decide what I wanted to do and ended up leaving it after that, so by the time that year had passed, I was in a routine that felt more natural and less monotonous.

The other ladies had good advice, but I just want to add something. Your little boy is still very small, which limits what you can do. As he gets bigger and especially if you add a #2, you will find that you will get busier and busier. Around 6 months you can put him in Kindermuzic or a gym class.

My kids are now 5 & 3 and I'm very busy. We are constantly on the go. When they are in school I either volunteer and can even bring things home to help the teachers out. We go from playgroup to activities, etc.

Are there things that you can do now to help you? How about taking an internet class that you can do on your own schedule? I'm a member of LA Fitness, so I can drop my kids off at the nursery while I work out. During the week and mornings (at least at mine) they aren't that crowded and mostly little kids.

Good luck to you!! It does get better!!

L.,

I would think about a Mother's Day out Program where you can leave your kiddo for a few hours a couple of days per week to go to your own thing...volunteer, shop in peace, take a yoga class, take a couple of school classes, etc...whatever it is that YOU want to do. If you find a good one that you can trust and if it is only two or three days per week for a few hours, you are still spending more time than many with your kiddo and getting some fresh air for yourself. You could also just have another one and then stay super busy. :)

When I stopped working full time after 15 years of working, going to school, etc. when my first son was 6 and had a new baby I felt like I wasn't made to be a SAHM either. It gets better. But off and on during the first year I was restless and felt that I was only giving the most basic care and that I might not be a good enough mom for my kids. I always felt the conflict that I was 'pretending' that I knew what I was doing and the kids were in on it!

Try to be a playful parent with a certain time period off and on for about 10 to 15 minutes at a time, increasing over time to interact directly with the baby until you feel comfortable that you are stimulating and engaging with him. Hubby should spend a little time in small incriments playing with him when he is home. For some reason they seem to have more fun with dads if moms stays home (a little weird but true).

You will feel more comfortable eventually. It is a HUGE adjustment. You will have times of stress and depression, poor me and poor baby. These will lessen over time. Just hang in and keep telling yourself it will pay off in the long run and it will!

L.,

We're all different and some of us don't adapt as well to the being at home routine. There's nothing to feel guilty about. I think you need to consider why you were so jealous of other kids who had stay at home mom's when you were a kid and try to avoid being the same type of parent whether you choose to remain at home or not. I was also jealous of other kid's moms even though mine stayed home too, so just staying at home doesn't automatically make one a better mother. Good mothering is a very conscious decision independent of whether a mother chooses to work or not. You might also need to consider that at the age your daughter is, she's not great company and there's not a whole lot of interaction. That will change as time goes by. I chose to return to work with both my sons and still believe that I'm a good mother (FYI...more working mothers BF than stay at home moms). However, if I had to do it over again, I would likely choose to stay home as it doesn't get easier as they get older, like I thought it would. Mothering is the absolute hardest (and most rewarding) job in the world. I just returned from a week long business trip and that was far less stress than I deal with on a daily basis when I'm at home. You might consider talking to your husband and seeing if he can't come home early one day a week, so that you can get out and take a class or something. That will give him some quality time with her (i.e., your problem could well be that you've taken the entire burden of parenting upon yourself). Studies show that a good relationship with one's father is what makes the biggest difference in how kids turn out. My theory there is that the majority of mothers are fully committed to their children from the get go and fathers don't necessarily develop that level of commitment. I am absolutely certain that the biggest benefit of my working isn't the financial one, but rather that it forced my husband to be a partner in caring for our two boys from very early on.

Best of luck,
M. B.

I went nuts when my first was born too. It's a big change. But I suggest not working full-time, and not getting used to any money you make. Working a part-time job, like Saturday mornings or weeknights, or some other job where you can get out just a few hours a week would be great. And your hubby would be home with your child, so no extra costs would go to daycare.

It helps to have something, just a little work. When you have more kids, you will be very busy. And once they're older you'll be REALLY busy.

If not a job, then take a college class that's something you always wanted to take but didn't have the time.

You didn't say you graduated from college. If not, then finish now if you can. It's so much easier when they are babies.

I do recommend staying home as much as possible. Mine are teens now, and I work from home (a rare telecommuting position) but it is soooo important to stay home till they leave for college. That's my oppinion anyway.

Good luck!

I am not the stay at home type either. I work 24 hr. a week and that is enough for me. I need something to do plus the extra money is nice. I would suggest something like that esp. if you can find someone to keep your son during those times.

I am just like you. I have been working since i as 13 in NYC. i hav 3 boys, and my hubby etired out of the navy in 2006 after 20 yrs. now works for bnsf railroad and is out most of the time, i go to school for nursing and i dont work. it feels weird for me cuz im not working. I do volunteer. we just been in amarillo since august of 2007. i now consider myself a SAHM. I have joined a playgroup over the summer when i got here, but most of the moms had lil ones and they neve had worked before. my sons are 5,8 and 11 yrs old. I am in th PTA as fundraiser at Tradewinds elementary.
email me and i will share more
J.

I know how you feel!! i'm 23 too, and have an almost 18 month old. Ive taken college classes to finish up my bachelors (it seems like i've been going forever since i started gonig part time when i got pregnant!) It's helped keep my sanity. I went to class once a week, if that. DH stayed with the baby, usually had to give him a bath and put him to bed. On days he was away, i would have my SIL watch him. It was great!
Have you gone to any mommy and me classes, or gymboree classes? I found i did not like the MOMs groups either, for several reasons.
Also, getting a membership at a local gym, one that has child care! is wonderful!!!!!
You got a lot of advice from many of the other moms! Congrats on your new baby!!
Happy holidays!

I consider myself a sahm, but I recently realized my son needed some social time away from me. I enrolled him and my daughter in a mother's day out and got a job teaching there (in another room). It is only 4 1/2 hours 2 days a week, but it gives us all a chance to be away from each other some, and it makes me even more eager to spend quality time with them when we get home, plus it's nice having some extra "fun" money. Maybe you should consider a part-time job. The quality of the time you spend with your kids is more important than the quantity.

Hi L.,

Wow! Lots of good advice! And now you know many of us--if not all--have felt the same way! I went from working full time to adopting three at one time and being a SAHM! Believe me, I understand! It turned my life upside down!

There is a magazine I wanted to recommend to you. When I need encouragement, I read this magazine. It is called "Above Rubies". I have back issues I'd be glad to send to you. Or, you can order your own (for free or pay if you can) at www.aboverubies.org. To receive weekly encouragement through email, you can send a blank email to ____@____.com and you will be put on their email list.

They address the struggles of motherhood and ways to overcome those negative emotions that come with them.

Hope this helps!
A.

Have you looked into remote studying? Or learning a language? You may have to be at home, but you could make good use of the time and keep yourself challenged.

If that does not work, I can recommend PlayStation2... :-)

I work half time - and most of that is from home, so I'm with them but not always alone with them. KWIM? I still get to be in the PTA and cook for bake sales, go on field trips, help in the classroom - but I get to be a "Professional" who wears makeup and pumps sometimes too.

I agree with you that staying home full time isn't for everyone - and I think it's something you have to ease yourself into, and make sure you don't lose yourself in the process.

OH - FTR, everyone thought I had it all together and loved staying home too - even when I thought I was going to pull all my hair out and join a jungle tribe. :)

Best of luck to you,
S.

I think the mommy and me stuff is great - the library, gymboree, etc. but it also sounds like you need something to call your own. Are you a reader? Perhaps finding a book club, or scrapbooking group, or taking back up some volunteer work - something that you do sans baby for a few hours each week.

We've all been there. It seems like we just hit the stride where we come into our own....and then lose ourselves!

I can sympathize even though I had to fight to get to stay home. I continued working with my first, but when the second came along, I was just miserable. I couldn't do both jobs to the level I wanted. So after finally convincing my husband we wouldn't be in the poor house if I stayed home, I still go stir crazy for the old go-go-go me sometimes though - its perfectly normal.

It gets busier as they get older (and, if you are planning on it, you add more kids).

Maybe you can find a hobby? Something you've always wanted to learn? Some ideas - Knitting, crochet, reading, writing, stamping, scrapbooking, sewing;./p

OMG L., sometimes I feel like I'm right there with you. But I think the thing is that we have both been right there where others haven't, we have been on our own. Having to do everything on our own. I am a busy body by nature, and doing nothing sometimes drives me crazy. But if I think about it SAHM's do a heck of a lot. There's laundry, I for one have to do laundry about 3 to 4 times a week, which includes hanging and folding and putting the clothes away. There's the grocery shopping only to come home and find out that you forgot something and having to go back to the store another day. Also preparing and cooking healthy meals everyday according to everyones own taste and not being appreciated by all the hard work you put into it. Having to clean the house by vaccuming, sweeping, moping, putting the dishes away and finally getting the courage to walk into the bathrooms to clean the toilets and having to clean constantly so it can look decent and yet it's never as clean as that one person from church who has 5 kids and yet their house is always completely spotless. Then having to run errands everywhere. My kids are now 5 and 7, and as I look back to my first baby at 3 months, it wasn't any easier. But when I do have free time, I love to watch my favorite shows on tv, I love the court shows, and reruns of Gilmore Girls, the Ellen show, etc. I also bought some computer learning cds so I can learn other languages, or learn excel, just stuff that will help me in the future. I'm close to my mom and talk to her everyday. When I was home alone with my baby I would like to dress her up and take cute funny pictures constantly until I got a really good one, then I would add special effects to it on the pc. I would give myself pedicures or facials. Well, I don't know if any of this has helped or not, in a way I'm just trying to tell you to enjoy it while it last.