SAHM Guilt - Tulsa,OK

I completely understand! My friends and I actually talked about this a few times. We know logically that we work very hard, but there is still something about not contributing financially that can make you feel a little underserving.

Try to remember that the contribution you make is priceless and that so many people in this world do not get paid what they deserve (good or bad). Salery does not equal amount of work. Sometimes people get paid big bucks and it's really because they are in the right industry. Soemtimes people get paid minimum wage and work their butts off, but it's grunt work so it doesn't pay well.

You deserve this!!! But I really do get how you feel.

Just think how much money you're saving by not paying for child care. I've been a SAHM for over 7 years and I've never felt guilty about spending money on me--hubby doesn't say a word, either! You'll get used to it!

I felt the same way, and my husband was the same way about spending money. I take care of all the finances in the house and I put myself on an allowance. I give myself $50 a month to spend however I want. Sometimes I spend all of it, sometimes I spend more, and some months I hardly spend anything. It really worked out well. I no longer feel guilty about the occasional trip to Cinnabon or the mall. I also don't feel guilty about spending more than the $50 a month, but I use the $50 as a guideline.

I have never once felt guilty about spending on myself. We are a team and both of our jobs are equally important in different ways.

You are not contributing money to the household. You are contributing something far more valuable. You are teaching your child. You are teaching Love, concern, reading, hugs mean happiness, good food, respect for mom, respect for dad, moms are special to dad and kids, dad is special to moms and kids.

"There is no success that can compensate for a failure in the home."

You are where you should be, at home. When your child gets old enough, besure you take them to the store with you. Show them how to shop properly. Show them how to find the good deals and to plan meals around what is on sale. You will be teaching them very valuable life skills. I reinforced what my kids learned in school about math when they had to figure out how much a cereal cost per pound and per ounce.

Pioneer story: A family had a nice home with a huge oak tree in the back yard. The mom and dad decided they wanted a wooden bench that would circle the base of the tree. So the son begged the dad to help. So the dad had an 8 year old helper. Dad came in for lunch after working with the son for the 3rd day and he said to the mom that he could have had the bench already finished if he hadn't had so much "help".
The mom looked at him and said, "What do you think you are building out there?"
The dad replied, "A bench to go around the base of the oak tree."
The mom, gave him a hug and said, "You're not building a bench. You are building a man."

The most important work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own home. Teach your child to love your husband and respect him. Teach your child how valuable a member of the family you are and your husband is. Your husband should be teaching your child how to love you and have respect for you.

Good luck to you and yours.

What you're feeling is completely normal, but you're looking at it a bit wrong. You're still earning money, it just goes through your husband, first. You are providing childcare, something that is very expensive. You may not get a paycheck, but you need to put value on what you're contributing to the household, so that you won't feel guilty anymore.

I made a joke once to a friend that I worked for my husband, providing housekeeping and nannying services. My husband interrupted me and informed my friend that he was under the impression that he worked for me, since I was clearly the CEO of the household. ^_^ If you value what you are doing (and I think you will, once you think about it), then you'll stop feeling guilty and begin to feel more like the partner that you knew you were when you were working.

Good luck.

You are part of a team. You may not be getting a paycheck but you are contributing to the well being of the family. It sounds like your husband values what you are doing. Bless him and value yourself, too.

Enjoy your shopping and time at home with your DS.

You have a job, you're taking care of your family.....Buy yourself some cloths and get off the guilt train.....unless what you spend will not allow you and your husband to pay your regular bills.

First, it's awesome that your husband was supportive and didn't give you a hard time about shopping. Some guys aren't so gracious...

I'm in the same boat and understand that hesitancy about buying things 'just for me'. It does make me more thoughtful about my purchases, though. What I want to reiterate--and what others have mentioned-- is that what you are doing at home *is work*, just not 'paycheck' work. If you weren't so great at supporting your husband, he might not be making as much money. If you were back at work... well, you know the rest.

Remember-- people wouldn't pay for a nanny or child care or house cleaners if it wasn't work. I hope you value yourself as much as your husband does. And I really hope you can enjoy your new clothes, too!:)

You do work! Full time and then some. Think of all the money you are saving by staying home on Childcare, grocery planning, and such. Other than that I have nothing, give yourself some credit and buy yourself something. You deserve it !

Without you, he wouldn't have a family. Everyone brings something to the table. I have single friends who would pay a kings ransom for what your husband has (family, children, love) so don't feel guilty that you bought yourself some new clothes.

But... think how much you ARE contributing by not paying someone else to raise your child.... isn't that important?

Wow, you don't think that what you do at home is work? Try to think of how much it would have cost you to put your child in day care, then think of that amount as your financial contribution. Maybe factor in the cost of a housekeeper as well.

Did you stop being a woman just because you had a child? This child is going to be with you for 18 years, at least. Do you really think it's your job to have him joined to the hip 24/7?

You owe no one a reason why you need some time to yourself, including that you need new clothes. You don't even NEED a reason to take time for yourself. What you need to do is shed this feeling of guilt.

And you DO need time for yourself. You will still continue to be a woman long after your children are on their own.

About the money, just remember how much you would be paying another woman to take care of your child. Just because you aren't getting paid doesn't mean that you aren't worth anything. You are part of the family, period. That means you spend money on you. Stop feeling funny about buying yourself anything. As long as you don't overspend, you aren't doing anything wrong.

Dawn

I know the feeling. I worked (and worked, and worked) for 15 years, and just recently left corporate America. We have started our own business, and I do the billing and client relations for that, so I am doing something (my kids are in school full-time, so I have allll this time in the middle of the day!). But yeah, after feeling like you have contributed 50/50 to the family income, it feels really weird not to be doing that anymore. But, right now you are taking care of the kids and home, and your husband knows that's a lot of work all by itself! I'm sure he enjoys it when you look nice, and he wants you to feel pretty, too! Enjoy those little moments when you can spoil yourself. It doesn't happen often as a mom! :)

Oh, sweet girl! What a tender heart you have. Please know that you *are* working-very hard! A paycheck is not the only way to find value in what you do with your time. You are doing the major, major work of your lifetime by raising your son. Why would it be considered worthwhile for a paid person to take care of your son and not you? The money involved? You are probably actually saving money for your family by staying home with him. You don't need a professional wardrobe, convenience meals, gas money/extra car (unless you want one), daycare, etc. Plus, your child is getting the VERY best life by being with his mother. I don't mean any disrespect to working mothers, but seriously, mom is always best, unless she is some psycho nutjob. LOL Enjoy your blessings. Don't stress about it. Your husband provides the financial aspect of your household, but you provide so much, too! I assume you keep the house running, prepare the food, etc. That is not to be sneezed at. Those are huge jobs. Imagine paying someone to do all that you do. Or, having to do them half-heartedly because you are exhausted from your paying job. Yuck. Enjoy your days. Your husband obviously thinks you are worth it. ;) Again, money does not define a person's value to a home. If they did, kids would be nothing but liabilities. They are not at all! They are blessings and great assets to a family! And so are you.

You are equal partners no matter who brings in the most money.

You gave birth to a human being, you are now caring for a human being.

Your husband is also doing is part by supporting you.

No one ,not even yourself should feel guilty or make you feel guilty.

Each family does what they ave to do.

You always have options. Keep them open, keep the communications open. Make sure you are supportive and grateful. And make sure your husband is also appreciative and grateful to you.

As I told my soon-to-be SIL, "The only difference between your job and mine is that you get a paycheck and your job doesn't require you to work 24 hours a day." You are most definitely doing work that is worth a ton of money, if it were added up on paper!!

don't feel bad or you will make husband feel like he's not doing a good enough job at supporting you.
if mom's happy, everyone is happy.

Let it go! Your worth to your hubby and child is priceless.

I never felt bad or guilty about spending money on myself (I knew if I had continued working most of my paycheck would have gone to daycare and commute costs anyway) but it did feel strange at first. Like you, I had worked and pretty much supported myself since high school. It IS a little disconcerting to realize you are completely financially dependent on another person, and yes, I went through a phase of actually asking my husband, is it okay if I spend X amount of money on this?
Don't worry, you'll settle in and get used to it. It didn't take me too long ;)

You are contributing financially to your household. You are doing lots of things that cost money, i.e. babysitting, shopping, cleaning, etc. You have a full time job now called household management. Stop letting the man dominated world define your ideas concerning money and work.

I

I'm not a SAHM (yet) but have considered how this will effect me if/when I stay home. I think what would be really helpful is to have a budget and in that budget give me an amount to spend on clothes, etc. Of course you need to buy new clothes sometimes so that's justifiable. What would get me is wondering if something cost too much. I'd like to know I have $x to spend a year, mutually agreed upon, and then if I want to buy a mink coat, that's fine but that's all for the year. Or if I want 100 tshirts from Target, it's up to me.

Technically, you are earning money. You are a housekeeper and cook. Errand runner etc. You are saving a lot of money by not having to hire childcare.
I used to feel that way too, at first! Then I quickly realized that I work harder staying home w/ my kids then I ever did when I worked two jobs! I am not sure how old your son is, but believe me, it keeps getting harder as they get older. When they become mobile and you are trying to find the minutes to do laundry, cook a meal, clean up dishes, or the tornado of toys he will start leaving around your house. Don't feel guitly. You deserve to get out, and spend some money on yourself!

My boyfriend tells me once the baby is born that I should just quit my job and he will cover everything. He has a really good job so I'm not worried. After a while though I will go get a job again and that is probably what you will do to. Once you get a job when the baby gets a lot older, it's almost like you're just paying the money back. Plus if you're husband told you it's fine it should be fine. If you needed new clothes you should have bought new clothes.
Good luck.

There's no reason to feel bad. I wanted to go back to work after I had my son but my husband wanted me to stay home. Just remember when you're happy then everyone is happy. Enjoy your time with your son while he's growing up.

I don't know that you'll ever get used to it. But right now it's just a fact of life. If you want to work then work. But don't deny yourself your own needs just because you're not the one leaving the house to earn the money. And try not to feel guilty. If your son needed new clothes you wouldn't hesitate to buy them.

I found that discovering and shopping at a great local second-hand store has allowed me to get the things I want and need without feeling like I'm making such a dent in our now-tighter budget. The selection is better, too!

I feel the same way and I bet alot of other moms do also. Spending money on ourselves for clothes/makeup .. any pampering, just feels a little weird sometimes when we are so tempted to spend it all on others in the family. It really is true, when mom is happy, everyone is happy. It can take effort to take care of ourselves but it's SO worth it!! Staying home with the children in so valuable to them and our husbands, besides think about the money your SAVING on childcare and other working expenses.