Sahm Getting a Divorce...

first off, i commend you for having the cojones to go it alone, especially without a lot of resources. getting state assistance is a good place to start.
i'm guessing that moving across the country isn't an option anyway, as your STBE will want and deserve access to his kids. but he should also be kicking in for their support, right? so your attorney, who should be well-versed in all the aspects of your situation, is probably a great place to start. ask for recommendations about all of it- housing assistance, job placement, childcare, food stamps if necessary, the whole kit-n-caboodle.
good luck!
ETA, i see we've got wacky stuff going on again. it's absolute balls that SAHM 'aren't likely' to get custody of their kids. there's a LOT more to it than that. @@
khairete
S.

Presumably he will be paying child support, may be required to cover the children on his insurance, and pay half the childcare. I would start looking for a job, and working on finances. If the children are school age, the most affordable care option may be through the school. You will also need legal advice from a lawyer. Know your rights and your resources. My mother needed to get some state help when she was in your shoes (which then qualified us for things like free lunch) but we made it through. You can do this.

Stay calm. Get a few divorce consultations, you'll feel better armed with facts. In my case, being the dependent stay at home mom was a BIG PLUS. I got to stay in the house, full monthly support until youngest is 18, 100% custody.

In our case, I had quit my job and moved to be home on one income while ex always traveled. Therefore he COULDN'T have any committed custody, and there was no one but me to run the house and care for kids. The best thing for kids was to keep things how they were: I DO everything, and the ex PAYS for everything. I get no alimony because his salary isn't that high, but we are comfortable until I go back to work. The bills and groceries are paid.

My friends with two income homes also left things pretty much the same: They both had to keep working.

So don't start to picture yourselves homeless with hobo packs hitchhiking to your family's homes faraway....Nope. Unless you are an unfit mother, your husband will have to continue support for you all for at least a certain amount of time. People sometimes have to downsize if the incomes in question can't handle two separate households, but in our case, for us to remain in our house was the cheapest option, and the cheating ex has his own cheap apartment now. And he pays for both.

Lay out your situation for lawyer(s). People settle people's divorces for a living, it will work out, so don't pre-worry. No disrespect to Gamma, but I have not had any friends in any states that have had their kids taken from them to go live with the working dad. The stay at home spouse is usually the primary caretaker, and usually remains so. The courts in most cases know that ripping the stay at home parent out of kids lives by "sending them off to work suddenly" and letting them go live with the busiest and most absent parent would not benefit anyone.

Get a job now and open your own bank account now, and start saving up for rent and deposits now, while you are still living together. Find good child care now.

I've been there. First and foremost, I suggest that you open a bank account and move EXACTLY half of the savings into it before he decides that his paycheck is his alone.

Get an attorney and file for dissolution. File a motion for support at the same time to ensure that he's paying child support until the divorce is final. Start looking for employment.

Once you're looking for employment, you should be able to file for unemployment assistance, SNAP, and WIC (if you have kids under 5). Do a budget and stick to it.

Good luck.

I think you are jumping the gun a bit because until your divorce is final your income is not severed. You will not be able to move out on your own unless you can afford it or you divorce.

I don't know what the school year is up there but I would suggest living in the same home but not together until your divorce is final. That will give you time to find a job, time to save some money, and your kids will be in school so childcare will be manageable.

It is hard to offer solid advice when we don't really know the totality of your situation. You don't mention if you are homeowners or renters, if any child support you would get would allow you to still stay at home or still have to work, or how old your children are (are they in school all day during the school year or still need year round daycare?).

I understand that your family is too far away to be of physical help, but would they be able to help you financially? Could they loan you enough to rent a small apartment somewhere until you can find a job? Can they help pay for an attorney?

I don't know what the rules are in your state for assistance, I can only share what happens here in my state - you can move out and apply for emergency same day assistance here (but it is best not to rely on help with housing right away). Go to your local county human services department and get the packet to see what they have available - daycare, housing help, food stamps, legal aid, etc. Also, if you are getting county help, usually they will move forward with ordering child support for you even if you are not divorced. They also may help with schooling, retraining for a job, etc in your state.

This is a tough move but it really sounds like you will be happier in the long run not being married to him. I wish you good luck :)

I have seen variations of this question many times on this site. Be sure and check in the search engine to put "SAHM divorce" and you'll get to rifle through lots of additional great answers. I'm sorry for your situation and I wish you all the best.

I am so sorry. I know you don't want to move far away back towards your family. However, I think you should reconsider. Childcare is very expensive and you're going to have to work. Family is great for helping in just this sort of time and they will likely be there for your emotional support as well. If you have a large generous friend group or in-law network that may work too but not the same as your family. I'm not sure what your skill set is. However, a quick job that's flexible would be to become a certified nursing assistant. You could get that in 8 weeks through the Red Cross and jobs are always needed and very diverse and hours are flexable. Just an idea. Good luck and hugs!

Talk to an attorney. Laws differ in every state. Usually you can take half of all money in bank accounts an use it to open an account in just your name. You can also ask for maintenance formally called alimony and you will get child support. So you are not destitute. If you decide to stay in the house and you own it together you will have to buy his half or you can sell the house and split the money.
I also recommend you talk to a counselor at a local college about returning to school to get an education. You can get information about financial aid and programs to take. Do what you have to do to get at least get an associates degree, but I recommend going for a bachelor's degree. So many jobs require a bachelor's today.

Do not think you can't do it. My daughter just got her associates in June, she started school about 3 yrs ago and changed her major at least once maybe twice. During that time she also got married, worked full time, moved to Texas, has over 10 pets, 1 child of her own and 4 step-children. She simply was determined to get her degree and made time to get it done. Next fall she starts University of Texas to complete her bachelor's.
If she can do it --- so can you.

Make sure you account for retirement accounts. you are entitled to half the value and the value of your house......

Try to set the situation up so that you and the kids get to stay in your home...

My cousin did. She moved out.
She now works a factory job FT.
'She won't file for divorce for some reason.
She's still at her "husband's" mercy for money.
Good luck!
I think solid, excellent childcare should be number O. on your list.
Get an attorney.

I wish I knew, when I was looking at my own divorce as a stay at home the only thing I could do was move to a different state to live with my mom for a time to get back on my feet. I knew it would mean less chances for them to see dad, but that was why at the same time my husband because researching how he could move closer to where we were going to be. I with you the best of luck with your transition.

One place to look if you have younger kids is head start, you can sometimes get free or reduced price care while you look for a job.