"Rules" Regarding Privacy?

Since no one else has mentioned it, I will.

As a recovering cheater, I can say from experience the times I was most suspicious of my husband were the times I had someone else.

Not saying that's what's going on in your marriage. But you both need to communicate with each other better. This type of issue is generally a symptom of a much bigger problem.

:(

A.,

Your husband is the one with the guilty conscience. He's the one doing something wrong and projecting it on you. Don't let him get away with it.

Tell him you want to see his e-mails, cell phone and facebook - NOW. NO chance to clear or delete and find out what he's guilty of.

I'm sorry

Yikes! We never had rules.

We were partners, not a parent/child relationship.

We did not snoop on each other because we had no reason to and we trusted each other.

If you have anxiety over this and live a life where you are walking on eggshells, then you are bring emotionally abused.

Make sure your hubby reads this thread so he can wake up and realize he has a wife who deserves respect from her husband and not to be treated like a child. He'd be an ex if I was treated that way.

You know...when my ex-husband wanted to go through my stuff? He was cheating. He was constantly asking where I was and who I was with. Even if I had our daughter with me.
this was before social media and cell phones. We had e-mail - and it was just starting out.

I say your husband is cheating or has cheated and is trying to do just what my ex did to me - push it all on me. Don't let him do it. Call him on it. Tell him that if he goes through YOUR e-mails? You will put a password on it. Even though you have nothing to hide. It's called RESPECT to ASK before you go in. Do I look at my husband's emails? yes. And I ASK first.

I'd ask to see his sent mail, his history on his computer, laptop and phone. Then see how HE likes it. i know that sounds childish. Call him on his bs.

We don't have any rules but if my husband was doing that I would ask why he keeps doing it.

My husband and I don't have rules. We respect each other. Our email address is shared by both of us. We are friends on FB so he sees everything.

Honestly, I wouldn't live like that. You are not responsible for your husband's happiness, he is. If he isn't happy, that is HIS problem. Personally, I would stop walking on eggshells, make a password and be ready for WWIII. Also if he won't go to counseling, you go! As some have asked, what about HIS emails and FB? Can you see his? Do you ask? I would. Kind of like "I'll show you mine if you show me yours"!

I would tell him he must stop questioning you and treating you like a suspect that needs to be interrogated. You are his partner, not his child. If he doesn't trust you then why is he even with you. Tell him you are not going to live like this...he needs to get immediate help to deal with his insecurities.

BTW....my husband and I have no rules...we trust each other. (My husband set up my PWs so he could read my stuff but he doesn't feel the need to do that).

I don't have to have "rules" -- my husband would never bother to read my emails and Facebook.

Your husband is extremely, unhealthily controlling. I would personally not put up with this for a minute. Unfortunately, something that has gone on for 10 years is not going to stop easily.

Your husband refuses to go to counseling (so he can continue being in control), so unfortunately, the only way to get him to stop is to force an ultimatum, which will require that you get extremely tough and possibly leave him for a while until he is forced to change his controlling behavior.

It's really, really hard to become tough. But that's what you need to do. I haven't read the other responses but I'm sure you got some good advice, because you do not deserve to be treated like this. ETA: I agree with J.B. that his behavior borders on abusive.

We have no 'rules'. We don't seek out each other's email/text etc, and if they are read, they're no biggie. We are both monogamous adults. I don't look up ex boyfriends or such on social media; in fact, as far as that stuff goes, I'm pretty damn boring. There's nothing on those threads that I wouldn't say to his face, and I'm certainly not interested in checking out his texts, which are 99% work related, 1% cub scouts. I guess we both have better things to do. Maybe you could go to counseling and work out what you want to do about this. Just because he has insecurities (is there reason for him to? Prior flirtations or infidelities or a former cheating ex on his part?) doesn't mean you have to let him run the show or jump when he says so.

Walking on eggshells is a term often used by people dealing with volatile, unpredictable spouses or family members. I think you might start with finding a counselor to help you decide how you want to go forward, make boundaries, and maintain your marriage. Just because other people don't really care if their spouse reads their electronic communications doesn't mean that *you* don't have to care. That said, it's not an apples to apples comparison because I don't get grilled over what I wrote/received on social media, you do. Just make sure your own actions are honorable and then, if you feel they are, go get some help.

Oh, ouch! I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

My husband and I have never really had a conversation about that, as it has never come up. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are many things in our marriage that could use improvement, but I've never given it a second thought. Every once in awhile one of us has picked up the other's phone to check something. My husband doesn't do Facebook but will sometimes look at mine just to see what our family and friends are up to. I've never had a reason to mind because he's never given me reason to.

Go to counseling for you. This will give you someone to talk to and hopefully some things you can do to help you. It is terrible when you think you have to walk on eggshells. I know I sometimes do that to my kids and my husband when I'm feeling very stressed. It is something I am definitely not proud of, and it is something I continue to work on.

Do this for you! You are worth it!

Back when my husband wasn't so good to me, I wanted to read everything I could get my hands on. I felt like he deserved no privacy because he wasn't doing what I thought he should be doing. Fast forward ten years and we are in a very different place. We now have a healthy marriage and I have no need or desire to read his emails or texts. But if I do? It's because I'm looking for something he asked me to get.

"My" email is the family email. He has 100% access to it, but normally I forward things from that to his personal email where he checks more often. He runs a DJ business on the side and I don't need all of that stuff in the family email - but it's what he uses.

If I have a gut feeling or something and want to see something, I ask him. He lets me see. There is nothing to hide. My stuff is mine and his stuff is his...but if either of us wants to see it, so be it.

One of you doesn't trust the other and that's a HUGE problem - coming from someone who has been there, done that.

Thee are no rules. Your husband is abusive and you need to stop putting up with his behavior.

We don't have rules, but my husband would never in a million years read my emails or get onto my Facebook. Who has time for that? He is not interested in controlling my life and probably doesn't even want to know those small details! Your husband is scary. He needs to stop reading your personal "mail" and do better things with his life. You are an adult. You are your own person. You do not need to be controlled or questioned about any emails or FB posts you happen to make. That is insane. The fact that you feel anxiety about this and feel like you are walking on eggshells is really bad. I think marriage counseling is a must...he cannot say no. If he wants to stay married you need to do this. He has some huge changes to make.

i would not tolerate this.
my passwords are all written down, my husband can access any of my stuff at any time. as far as i know he never has, but he could. and if there were a good reason for it, it would be fine.
but just snooping and suspicion? no.
in addition to his paranoia, he also refuses to go to counseling and tells YOU to get over it?
i'm sorry, hon. i do think you should go to counseling yourself and learn some tools to a) deal with a paranoid suspicious family member and b) have an exit plan.
khairete
S.

This is more than having an issue with your husband reading your writing. Your husband is being abusive. Do you not see that?

You need to go to a marriage counselor and talk about this even if he won't go with you. You need support to help you decide to go ahead and put passwords on both your facebook and your emails. He has to learn that he doesn't get to do this to you.

He is not a good dad if he is doing this stuff in front of your kids, teaching them that it's okay to treat a spouse this way.

Please go get help now.

I think one great "rule" is that a husband is not allowed to make his wife "feel like a child in trouble"!

Put passwords on everything. And maybe your husband can earn back the right to see more of your stuff when he can start acting better.

Also, remember - there's a difference between "wanting privacy" and "having something to hide". When a person closes the door while using the bathroom - that's privacy, nothing to hide! Passwords on email can be the same way. (And for some things, like for those of us who get work-related emails, our passwords provide security and privacy for the people who are sending us the emails, which can be important too.)

We have no rules. We know each other's passwords because I occasionally say to him - hey, can you look in my email and get XYZ info for me (most often while I'm driving, and the email has directions in it or something like that, and so he goes into my phone to get it). But we don't read each other's stuff. I trust my spouse and don't feel I need to, and I assume he feels the same.

I suggest that you go to counselling yourself, since he won't go with you. You can learn 1) why you chose such a controlling spouse and 2) strategies for dealing with his behavior. Because you can't change someone else. You can only change your response to that person.

No you don't just need to get over it.
You're entitled to privacy. Put a password on your mail. And when he flips out, you need to give it right back to him, because I would lose my mind if my husband did that.
Are you willing to be in a marriage where you're under constant surveillance for the rest of your life? If not, he needs to understand the depth of that feeling, and what it ultimately means.

Sigh. This post has hit a nerve. Insecure people are so damn burdensome. I used to be married to one and he used to pull up a chair next to me, to read my posts and everyone else's. Amongst other things. And for what? (And no, he didn't want counseling either). I told him that he needed to understand who he married (a loyal woman), but that if he wanted something different (an unfaithful one), I could help him find her. Fast forward, I helped him do exactly that. I have been happily divorced for 8 years. Thank God. LOL. My point: Divorce may not be the answer for you BUT it's in your best interest to STOP allowing your insecure hubby to be a burden to you if you intend on living a happy and stress-free life.

RULES? The rules are, in general, that people don't read each other's emails and if they do by accident then they don't grill their spouse on details. The rules are that trusting, secure people in a good relationship don't give a hoot about the other person's Facebook posts other than, presumably, general interest in what the other is thinking and sharing and reading and posting.

You are being emotionally abused. You are afraid of him and his reactions. You won't get a password because you are afraid of a greater bad reaction. You excuse him by saying he is insecure. You don't go to counseling because he won't go too. He belittles you by saying it's your problem and you need to get over it. He makes you feel like a child. You think it's your job to make him happy, rather than his job to make himself happy. Your relationship is based on ideals rather than reality, and on the kids rather than your marriage.

You say he's a good dad. But he's not. He's belittling and tormenting the mother of his children. You both are teaching your children to be suspicious of their best friend and life partner.

Please get help for yourself even if he won't go. You have to find your backbone and your confidence, and learn why you allow this treatment. This is really serious. It does not matter that he doesn't hit you. It just doesn't.

When you get through with all of that, you can worry about passwords.

We don't have any rules, everything is open and either of us is welcome to look, although I usually don't feel any need and if he does he never says anything about what he sees. If it is causing problems you really have two choices since you can't change his behavior, you have to change your own either by using passwords (and dealing with the fallout from him) or choosing to no longer use social media.

I was married to a cheater and found out by accidentally seeing something on his phone.

My current husband was also married to a cheater. So at first we were cautious with each other until we really learned we could trust each other.

We have full access to all of our electronics in the house...nothing has a password...but have never checked on anything. It simply isn't any of my business what he's texting his friends or saying in emails or Facebook. He will cc me on emails if it's something I need to see or know.

I know that I know that I know that he will never ever cheat on me, and me him. Simply because we've been though it.

Until you can get this figured out, put passwords on everything. You have a right to your privacy and he has no business getting into you personal stuff. Good luck.

When you say you can't seem to make him happy, is there more going on? Your emails and Facebook posts can't take all day. So is there other discord? If it's just the emails and Facebook, can you stop posting on Facebook (I don't even have Facebook) and make your emails so boring there is just nothing to question? Just for a while. Maybe then he'll stop this. Of course you shouldn't have to do this but if it's the only issue, I'd try to just work around it. My husband and I don't have rules. If I'm really really bored and his ipad is sitting there, sometimes I'll pick it up and see what he's up to but that's very rare. He'll do the same with me. Never leads to any arguments though I'll admit I don't love him reading my emails bc I think they seem silly to him.

I just read your SWH. I think it's good you're going to try a go at counseling. You're doing something for yourself (think of it that way) - and learning how you can better deal with this situation. You might have to make some changes (sounds like it) but a therapist can really support you when you need to do this. Good luck - I am sure you'll find it very helpful.

One thing to remember - you're not helping him by putting up with this either. It's not good for anyone - you, him or your family. So don't feel bad if he thinks you shouldn't take this time for yourself. It's for everyone's good.

I kind of agree with Wild on this one. Its sounds like maybe he's super into reading your stuff because he's doing something untrustworthy. I'm not saying he's cheating on you, who knows, but I do think behavior like this correlates with untrustworthy behavior of some kind.

My husband and I know each other's email passwords and he doesn't have FB. He could get on mine if he wants but he doesn't. i don't really think either of look at each others phones or emails on any sort of regular basis and the only "rule" we've ever discussed about it is that we should share passwords just in case we need something. He looks at my email from time to time to find out information on accounts or shipping of stuff since the Amazon account is linked to my email. If you have to make rules, it seems like there's a bigger issue with someone.

I never read my husband's e-mail (He's not on Facebook). I couldn't tell from your posting if your husband is retired, between jobs or just someone who doesn't understand that boundaries exist even if you have married for years.

I know my DH is fairly clingy (which would amaze anyone who knows him professionally.) He has no real hobbies or close friendships ...just work and some friends from childhood/early career days who live elsewhere. When he began working at home, it seemed that he has some sort of radar for my every move...it was pretty suffocating.

I think you need to figure out why he is reading your e-mail/postings, and address the root issue.

My rule on privacy is simple. If you want to be in my life, you will respect my privacy, just as I respect yours.
My husband and I have all of each other's passwords and PIN's, but we only use them when absolutely necessary and with the other's permission and knowledge every time. We do not open mail addressed to the other unless asked to do so.

my facebook is open for him to see, he does not fb so sometimes his only way to know about family stuff is if i tell him to look at it or show it to him. so its not at all private. we share an e-mail and have a second one for junk, ya know those sites that say enter an e-mail to continue... hes got all the passwords. nothings hidden, and he does not question me on anything. he tries to keep his text messages private but if i ask to read them he will let me. its usually him and his brother talking video games or him and his sister talking politics which i already hear too much of from him.

so no rules, nothing hidden and nothings questioned.

Please create another email address that he doesn't know about. You can also create a new FB page too, just use the new email address and limit your friends on it to people you trust to not go tell him. Then you can use a different device or log in and out each time you go on them.

Then use the old email address for online purposes and the new one for strictly private conversations. Same with the FB new account. Only go on it when you are alone and can see what your friends are up to. You can block him too, so that he can never see you are anything you do.

As your information wanes on the old accounts hopefully he'll lose interest. He's getting stimulated by your life. This needs to stop. One thing though. If he catches you with the new stuff you'll be in trouble so you do need to decide what you're going to do at that point.

I don't care if my husband sees my general stuff. I do have a friend that I like to rant and get all my angry comments out with. She is very supportive and I listen when she's got to have someone to talk to.

I have a different email address for her specifically and she has one specifically for this too. We aren't doing anything wrong, if we could talk for hours on the phone we'd do that but gee, we both have school age children and we have too many things going on to take that sort of time. So we email back and forth, like it was a conversation.

I use a gmail address for my personal email that pretty much anyone who sits in my chair and looks at chrome can see and open and read all they want.

When I made my alternate email accounts I went with a totally different provider that I have to go to, there is no link on my computer or phone at all. I do NOT stay signed in or have quick access to it.

If it was yahoo I'd have to go to yahoo.com then log in with a user ID and password. When I was ready to leave that email account I'd choose to delete all messages and sign out. Then close it down. SO there would be no trail to it. I'd also clear my search history so no one could see where I'd been.

But again, my husband can sit down and go on my FB and gmail account anytime he wants because I don't care if he reads it or not. There is no invasion of my privacy because I've never really cared. I do care if he sees my angry words and crying out in pain over his illnesses and mental illness issues and more. That's not his business because sometimes we all have to rant, to lower our stress levels. We lash out, say things we think but squash because it's not how we truly feel. Those are the things I want to keep private.