Roommate Feeling?

Updated on May 24, 2009
J.H. asks from Rohnert Park, CA
4 answers

So, I have read other questions/answers regarding marriages but didn't quite find anything that suited my situation. My husband is actually very helpful around the house and is a wonderful father but about 95% of the time I feel like his roommate. I know I am lucky and could have gotten worse but I can't help but feel disconnected from him. We could literally go days without a kiss and a month or more without being intimate if I didn't initiate things. I am a very emotional and affectionate person and so was he (before I got pregnant). He was so touchy feely that even my friends and family would get a little uncomfortable.
I feel like our priorities are all mixed up, we're both giving a lot, but neither one of is fully happy. We don't really argue and definitely not in front of our daughter but it just feels BLAH. I don't feel attractive or wanted and I'm sure he feels like all he does just goes unappreciated.
The other thing that worries me is that he will throw out his opinion sometimes and I'm like who is this person. Very cold and unforgiving. He'll say things like "eating leftovers or doing the laundry is expected of me and he doesn't see why that deserves recognition". That word "expected" just rubbed me the wrong way!
I've tried to offer having a date night and I'm lucky if we get one every few months! Of course, it's me initiating things and plans. Does he just not care about our marriage and is too focused on our daughter? She will move out someday and I'm afraid that we won't know each other or care by that point to make it.
I suggested counseling and he said he thinks counseling is a sign of weakness and that you can't figure out things on your own. Well, I've been going and he actually agreed to go to one session. It's this Wednesday so maybe I'll update after then. =)
Sorry for the long story but hopefully it helps in your advice! Thanks ladies!!

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So What Happened?

So, my husband and I just had out counseling session last night (had gotten rescheduled from last week). I was pretty worried that he was just going to sit there and not say much or we were just going to argue but it went really well. We only got irritated once or twice and he actually listed to me and the counselor was able to make a little more sense of things. She told us that we are really two different people and are going to have to work a little harder at things but its not lost. She recommended reading the 5 Love Languages book by Dr. Dobson and/or Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars. My husband thought that not saying what was bothering him helped the situation and I thought because he wasn't saying anything...that nothing was bothering him. =) Of course, things aren't perfect but I'm very willing to work hard to get back our great relationship. He's also willing to admit that we need work and that is a big help. I don't feel alone in wanting a change.
Thank you all for your advice!!! =)

More Answers



answers from San Francisco on

Maybe a quiet 'why?' is in order. Why have things changed so much. Make sure to just listen, no opinions.

You might try a book called 'The Surrendered Wife' by Laura Doyle. Don't be turned off by the title, I almost was. It is a marriage changing book.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Sounds like counseling is the right thing to do.

Have you ever asked him his opinion on all this and then just listened? Maybe you could show him your post and ask him what his feelings are. If he's like my husband, you may really have to push him to talk, but then if you're like me, you'll have to work hard to shut up and not interject your own feelings and opinions.

I have found that less talk, and more pushing for his feelings definitely help.

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answers from San Francisco on

I am curious as to how that counseling session went.

The fact that he was extremely touchy before, and now not all, is troubling. A major change like that suggests to me that something is wrong, but it could be any number of things, so unless he tells you what is wrong (if he even knows)it would be pretty hard to correct.

...Otherwise I would say that the constant responsibility and monotony (exhaustion, drudgery, lack of free time) of marriage and parenthood can have a similar effect on most marriages, and you could try a short vacation (no kids). I think people kind of lose themselves when they marry--especially women, since we do feel "expected" to do so much in service to our families, it is exhausting. It's possible that men feel something similar---too much "have to" and not enough "want to"---that can take the spark out of anything!
My husband and I delayed our honeymoon until about 7 months after the wedding, for practical reasons, and I remember being very relaxed and happy on that trip, in contrast to the months before, which involved a lot of transitions, changes, stress, and work. I felt like it refreshed not only me personally, but the relationship in general. It's easier to bond 1:1 without kids. There were already kids going in, for us, and it sounds like it was the same for you and your husband. I think this makes it harder.

Anyway, don't give up! Keep doing the counseling, do special stuff just for you, and try to find things to share with each other---like I just got my husband started reading a series of books that I loved, and I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see him reading them every day, and hear him laughing out loud. Just knowing that he enjoys the books as much as I did, makes me feel closer to him! Oh, and we have been gardening together, too.



answers from San Francisco on

I can so relate. I have had other issues in my marriage as of late, but it's getting better. The main issue was we were just not talking at all any more and just going through life. It takes some time and effort to get it back. As my sister in law says, "Best friends." Remember all those little things you used to do for him? Do it again. Like my hubby and I used to rent a movie once a week, we stopped. So for the last month we have picked it up again. I am also arranging date nights for us, we just never did that either. And my hubby spends a lot of time focusing on our daughter as well. So, it just takes some baby steps to get back to that fun place in your marriage. Also, find something for you to do in the mean yoga or working out. Makes you feel better..well, it's making me feel better anyway.
Good luck!

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