Returning to Public School for Grades 7-12 but I Have Fears

I teach at a high school with a student body of 2000. The kids who are on the honors/AP track usually develop a pretty solid social group. They aren't all best friends but they are used to having the same classes and tend to be kind to one another and form a smaller learning community. If you get her into those classes chances are she will develop friendships with those students. Best of luck.

In twelve years of public school, my daughter only had to face one bully.
You hear about the one kid in the school that gets the living hell beaten out of him, and the few who come to his aid. You don't hear about all the rest of the kids who go through day after day of school with no trouble.

I would suggest that you not invite trouble.

My impression (I could be wrong) is that many private schools tend to be more uniform, so any kid who is different in any ways tends to stand out.

One thing about public school is that the kids are used to all kinds of people. Lots of kids have IEPs. There are many different socio-economic groups represented. Many different clubs, sports, and groups. Thus, she is less likely to feel 'different' because there isn't as much uniformity, and there are more places where she can find her niche.

If a challenge comes up for her next year, don't bury your head in the sand of course. But I think you and your daughter should look forward to this, and not let fears with no basis overshadow everything.

I've taught in 2 private religious schools, and I can sympathize with your frustrations. You thought you were getting a values-based environment and there was still bullying. I found the same thing - sometimes the smaller student body means that kids can't get away from the dominant ones, social cliques are more set in stone because there just aren't as many choices, and sometimes the school administration is reluctant to clamp down the bad behavior of on tuition-paying parents who are on the board or who chair the big fundraiser for the scholarship fund. Way too many kids have heard from their parents that some kids are on scholarship, and kids with special needs can just be so much more obvious. Seeing this, I sent my own son to public school.

Public school, on the other hand, can be a great equalizer. There are many more kids and plenty of interest groups to choose from. Lots of kids are on IEPs, and there's lots of moving in and out of the classroom by kids, teachers, aides, paraprofessionals, etc. The administration and the school board are responsible and responsive to the entire community of taxpayers. Not every taxpayer takes an interest, of course, and there are always the very active parents who are involved in the PTA and volunteering, but that work it done outside of the regular school day. So no, you can't be running up to the school all the time, but neither are the other parents.

There's much more likely to be a good-sized guidance department and an on-site school psychologist in a public middle school or high school. She will have plenty of kids she can go to in order to avoid the problem kids. There will also be more targets (fortunately or unfortunately) for the problem kids. But your daughter will be able to find activities and social groups and just be in larger classes where (sometimes) the teachers have more control. When I was in private education, the teachers were always looking over their shoulders for some marauding parent who said their kid ought to get an A because she's so smart (and never mind that the kid didn't do the work to deserve even a C). So you may find that your fears are unfounded.

You'll also find that there are resources for disorganized kids, extra help, and probably a much more comprehensive anti-bullying program. She can participate in this without her only options being role-playing with you and taking karate. She could actually flourish in this new setting. But we know one thing for sure - the small private setting was fraught with problems, even if it was technically faith-based. So you have nothing to lose. I'd embrace this is a terrific opportunity for her, and let her blossom by fending for herself.

Go now and get to know the school counselor for her grade at the new school. Go without your daughter; tell the counselor you need an appointment to talk with him or her at length because you have concerns about the transition and about how she will cope with her mild handicaps, etc. The fact that she has been a target for bullying in the past gives you very good reason to see the counselor. Give full details of her past, and ask specific questions. Then arrange for your child to see the counselor over the summer if possible -- your child needs to know and trust the counselor as a safe person to go to if things start to go wrong or if she feels bullied or even if she just feels a bit blue or overwhelmed.

Tell the counselor about the courses, karate, roleplaying,etc. This can all be good but it may also be sending to your child the unspoken message that school is scary and a place where she must be ready to defend herself at all times-- and that could make her more, not less, nervous when she starts at the new school. Ask the counselor if you should continue or if you need to ramp this back a few notches. You may have the best intentions that end up making your daughter more worried in the end.

Over the summer be sure your child is doing things that are just for fun and based on her interests -- not based on "you need to do this camp or class to get confident, you need to do this summer course to be ready to deal with bullies" etc. Is she scheduled to do any fun camps or classes? Be sure she is, and that she gets a lot of interaction with other kids throughout the summer. Then in school, encourage her to join things -- based on her interests only! Newspaper, yearbook, drama, art club, science club, math club, whatever there is that she likes. If she's not into school-based stuff, see if she would be interested in outside classes or groups. Teen Girl Scouting can be terrific -- at that age the girls do much more of their own planning and decision-making, and a girl with mild handicaps could really shine in a group like a good teen Girl Scout troop. It's not too late to join, and in fact she'd be greatly welcomed in any GS troop, teen group at a church if that's your thing, volunteer group, etc.

Maybe I am wrong, but I sense it is time for you to back off a bit, and let her take charge of this adventure in a new school!

I would encourage her to join some activities, and certainly in middle school (or is it a secondary school?) there will be ALL kinds of clubs etc that she can be a part of through the school. Since you mention she is shy, making friends in a club/activity is often easier due to the more 'laid back' atmosphere, and often smaller group size.

I would look at the school website to see what clubs there are, and foster those interests over the summer. For example, if the yearbook club is of interest, have her take pictures over the summer!

As an aside, yearbook is an excellent way to meet EVERYONE in school, and also see each of the clubs...yet have the 'security' of being behind a camera!

I wish your daughter wonderful things as she begins this adventure!

**anxious to read other replies***

Best!

I think you have done a lot of great things, and keeping up the efforts, especially with role playing is great.

However, I'm wondering if a portion of your anxiety about this isn't transferring to her and making it a bit worse.
My suggestion is to ease up on focusing on this, and see what happens.
If she goes in expecting the worst, that's exactly what she'll find.

I do not know why people think kids with IEP have major disabilities.
That is just not true at all.

It can be an accommodation. For instance my business partners son has ADD. It is his focus that he had trouble with. Especially in his early years of elementary school. He can still go through phases.

He is a very bright child, but it takes him time to get things finished, sometimes. He is easily distracted. This causes problems in the higher grades, because they are given more work to complete. He CAN complete it, it just may take longer. So for tests, for homework or a class assignment, he needs a bit more time.

He knows he has and IEP that accommodates for testing (they pull him to the library, where those students are allowed to go at their own pace and other things, but he does NOT know in his IEP it also allows him to turn in homework late if he is not able to get his in class work or homework cannot be completed in the allotted time. His mother has never told him, so that he will not take advantage of this and so far he has not needed to use this accommodation.

He is now going to be a sophomore in the fall.

I agree with those who say that you need to beware of transferring your fears to your daughter. Also, it's not true that schools are filled with bullies. They are sweet kids, and some of them act inappropriately. It's also true that she might be more comfortable in the more diverse environment.

I think it will be fine. Push her to be involved in something like yearbook, as suggested, and keep communication open so that you can assist her if something like bullying happens. And yes, the counselor is a great resource.

Updated

I agree with those who say that you need to beware of transferring your fears to your daughter. Also, it's not true that schools are filled with bullies. They are sweet kids, and some of them act inappropriately. It's also true that she might be more comfortable in the more diverse environment.

I think it will be fine. Push her to be involved in something like yearbook, as suggested, and keep communication open so that you can assist her if something like bullying happens. And yes, the counselor is a great resource.

I went to a K-8 Catholic grade school. When I was in 5th grade, the other girls really started picking on me. I was definitely the kid that everyone picked on. There were a few girls that were nice to me some of the time. But I was pretty miserable for 4 years. I was absolutely convinced that public school would be worse - no idea why.

There were two Catholic high schools in town. Most of the kids were going to a certain school, so I chose the other one. No way was I going to public school, as I was convinced the kids would be horribly mean there. I was terrified that I would be picked on again, so I was really quiet, wouldn't join any clubs/groups, talked to just a few kids and pretty much kept to myself. I was convinced if I opened my mouth I would get picked on. I finally opened up a bit my junior year and got to know some of the more popular kids my senior year. My yearbook is full of quotes like, "So glad you finally came out of your shell." Looking back I realized that I really screwed up. I should have given people a chance. Instead, I assumed no one would like me and didn't even try to get to know people.

When I started college I decided to give people a chance. I told myself to get out there and meet people and not to worry about what people thought. I got burned a couple of times, but I met some great people, and I really had a lot of fun.

I understand being afraid of getting bullied, but you can't live your life in fear. I lived my high school years in fear, and that is no way to live! So far you've taught your daughter that she is going to be bullied, and you are convinced it's inevitable. You've probably got 2 months to change the course. Use this time to get her excited about school. She is going to meet some great kids. There are going to be some clubs/organizations/sports that she might be interested in. This is the time to talk about these things. Find the things she would enjoy and talk to her about them. Get excited and be optimistic.

It's not going to be all sunshine and daisies, but she really could meet some great people and have a lot of fun. She's never going to have that opportunity if you keep talking to her about how to deal with bullies. The only thing you're going to accomplish that way is to make her afraid of her own shadow.

Have a little faith in your daughter. She can do this! And she can meet some great people. Focus on that!

I agree with feline stroller. My daughter doesn't have any physical handicaps, but she was so filled with antibullying propaganda before middle school that she spent 6th grade scared to death she'd be bullied! She wasn't, but it meant she stayed in her shell most of the year. I think you've done enough. Now, just teach her to enjoy being around people without the constant fear that they'll hurt her. Awareness is good, but I think we are planting unhealthy seeds of fear with this hyper focus.

For what it's worth, our son has severe ADHD, ODD, OCD, anxiety, depression and an eating disorder. In all of his years in public school (he's 11 now), not once has he been bullied. He's on medication and gets therapy, yes, but there are times it all doesn't work right and his behavior is out of the norm. Never had a single issue with kids picking on him (and there was a time when he had severe tics, which kids couldn't help but notice). In his private preschool? You bet ... a parent there filed a formal complaint against him (at three years old!) and helped to get him kicked out.

In our experience, there's a whole lot more tolerance and understanding in public school. Our kids' school even brings in a local group every year that teaches kids about what life is like for people with disabilities. Our son has a 504 plan and the school has been very open to our recommendations.

The only advice I'd give your daughter about public school is to have fun and be herself. There's no guarantee what kind of experience she'll have (I was bullied in public school many years ago, so it definitely happens), but our son's experience has been that public is a million times better than private for special needs kids.

The only thing I might add to the great answers below is that make sure she's plugged into a great youth group at church. We changed churches when my kids were around 6th grade because I was aware of the challenges of middle school. It has a thriving youth program, lots of social activities and a real tight-knit group of kids. That will give her another source of friendships and fun which will in turn help her confidence. Wish you the best of everything...

People are people even in a "Christian school". (I could rant on that for hours.)

Your little girl is growing up and part of that process is learning how to effectively communicate both verbally and nonverbally. Each individual has to learn how to operate in the larger society they are a part of. My thoughts are is she was involved in some activities outside of the school with some of the girls at the school this may help make the transition better or not. She has to learn how to stand up for herself and manage in this world.

Your fear may be playing a bigger part in this than you think. What you are not saying or saying either verbal or nonverbal she may be picking up on. If you are afraid for her lack of confidence, how is she to become confident? Sounds to me like you have done all of the things a responsible parent needs to do for their child and now it is up to her to do the rest.

I was bullied in highschool. It was absolutely terrible. No one came to my rescue and no one came to my defense. I was teased, taunted, and made to feel less than every school day for the first two years of my highschool experience. My mother refused to change schools even though I asked her but I didn't ask her enough or tell her what was happening. By my junior year, something in me just couldn't take it anymore and I became not assertive but aggressive towards all the girls that picked on me. If they choose to pick on me that day then they would reap the wrath. This also was not good but it did put an end to the bullying.

Did it affect me? Yes. Was it all bad? No. It had its purpose and place in my life. I became the person I am today because of it. I've always been a champion to the underdog. I tell my background to give you some insight into it from the other side. Put her in the best school for her one where her character and grades can thrive. Talk to her about her day. Find out how it is going. Be her advocate when she needs you to and help her become confident in her own skin limitations and all with the understanding that not everybody is going to be her friend and she has the power to pick her friends. I really hope this helps.

Im sorry for your daughter's pain. It's very hard to see that as a parent.
I think you have been very active in giving her skills she needs and that's good. All the stuff about organization is very, very, very common for her age. Hey, I'm still disorganized! She will be fine. Not because of wishful or fearful thinking. You want her to have faith but yours is pretty shallow. Increase yours and hers will follow.

Trust God. He is not the one giving you a spirit of fear, and certainly don't share it with your daughter.

Look on the momsinprayer.org website and see if you can find a group connected with your next school. You probably have heard of it, but might not know, there are little groups of moms praying for their kids, the the schools, the teachers and administrators connected with the public schools all over this nation, and the world. We have no affiliation with the public schools but are groups that share faith, and common and individual concerns, for for our kids once a week for an hour in the school year.

I've been a part of a group for 14 yrs now, including college and career.
It was a major factor in my peace and I believe, the success of many students. If you can't find one, start one. All it takes is two. (Where there are two, there is always three ; )

AP kids do have a common bond and rarely are bullied past junior high.
They find a niche and fill it. I'm not saying there aren't ups and downs but so is life. With God's help and trust in His long term plans, she will meet these challenges and grow stronger, learn to ignore drama, and even learn to defend others who struggle. Don't teach her to be a victim.

If she qualifies for an IEP that means she is pretty disabled. An IEP is usually for kids with multiple cognitive disabilities. The ones that are in the special ed program.

Kids with this sort of developmental disabilities are often targeted. If she's mainstreamed instead of in the special ed classes it can even be worse. When kids get to high school I often wonder if it isn't better for them to be in there just so they are more protected.

If your daughter doesn't really qualify for an IEP but a 504 plan instead then she wouldn't qualify to be in the special ed program. It's hard when you're implying she's very disabled (Qualifies for an IEP) but saying she's very smart and just has some physical disability.

I'd say you need to be sure this is a good fit. If you could find a smaller suburb school that might be a very good thing. If you truly can't find a school that would be a good fit then I don't know what I'd do. Spending time every day, the majority of the day, with people that humiliate and torment you is so detrimental. I don't know that I'd want that. That's why if my child qualified for an IEP I think I might want them sequestered to the special ed class. But I'm now sure you've said your child is that disabled.

I'm a 7th grade counselor at a public school. I often transition kids in from the local private schools. Don't worry, kids have a lot more space to breathe in public school. They can kind of get lost in the crowd, and that sounds like just what your daughter needs. There are a lot more people to choose from to be friends with in a public school, and she will find her own quirky companions. All you need to get through middle school are a couple good friends you can hang with at lunch, between classes, and after school. No need to be the most popular girl in school to be happy.

You won't be able to control any teasing or comments she will get in middle school, but you can teach her to be resilient, you can build her self-confidence outside of school, and give her all the right tools and comebacks to handle any little jabs that come her way.

Real bullying in school is more rare than you think- with girls it usually happens among girls that already know each other, run in the same circle, have past history from elementary school. If your daughter is getting a fresh start that's perfect, providing she finds a few nice girls to link up with, she'll be all good.

What would the IEP be providing, how does she qualify? The school counselor in me has to ask. I cannot guess how she would qualify for an IEP but also qualify to do well in the Advanced classes. (FYI, AP stands for Advanced Placement, at least where I live that program doesn't kick in until Junior year of High School, meaning they can take AP classes- which are college level courses taught at High School). If she is qualifying for an IEP due to her "mild physical handicaps" I am really curious what those are, because maybe they are not so mild if they require IEP services despite the fact she is intellectually capable enough for advanced classes.

ETA#1 No you don't have to have a MAJOR disability to be on an IEP. However, if all you require to be successful in the Gen Ed classroom is a few accommodations in testing and homework assignments, that is what a 504 plan is for. The IEP is for kids who require services OUTSIDE the scope of general education, not just a few tweaks here and there. IEP's are usually providing heavy accommodations in a Gen Ed class, or actually providing a resource class in it's place or an additional one to support it. This is why IEP's and Advanced classes do not mix. A 504 student might be able to be successful in Advanced classes with a few accommodations, but an IEP student is usually accommodated enough just to get through Gen Ed.

ETA#2 Felinestroller is right on target with Yearbook- great class for a new shy student to connect to the school and peers in a natural way. It's also a perfect class for an organized high achiever to meet other organized high achievers, who are at least somewhat outgoing.