Hello - I think I'm venting more than anything right now because I am very frustrated. My question is at what age should children be able to respect their belongings?? I have a 5 and 7 year old and there seems to be no thought process to taking caring of their things. And our things. They are still writing on furniture, clothes, throwing puzzle pieces everywhere as soon as it is opened - not caring if they don't have all the pieces the next time. We keep talking and disciplining, taking things away and it doesn't mean anything to them. They have a fair amount of things so I thought that was the issue and have narrowed it down to just a few things and that hasn't helped either. Maybe I am expecting too much and should be less concerned with things like this? As I said, I think finding the red marker on the chair...and the fireplace....again and finding their bike at the end of our street as I was leaving to go to the store just caused me to need to vent. "sigh"
Thank you for listening!
5 and 7 yr olds acting like this? I could not agree more with Julie S, Sara B and S H.!! I parent my 4 & 8yr the same way and expect the same from them.
I think that the problem with children these days is that parents think that they are "too young" for discipline and by the time they are 4+ they are out of control and the parents don't know what to do with them. There is age appropriate discipline starting as yearly as 12 mos.
I would be beyond furious. Marker on a chair, the fireplace? At that age? It's not like they are toddlers. My kids would be cleaning it up and afterwards in their rooms for the rest of the day (can only come out to go to the bathroom and for meals). Throwing puzzle pieces around? You only throw balls and not in the house! That's another stint in their room for the rest of the day. Too bad so sad. I don't think your kids are too young to be taking care of their toys or respecting your possessions.
I wouldn't be buying them anything outside of birthday (1 toy) and Christmas (if you celebrate it). Want something to do? Go to the library and check out some books. Join the summer reading program.
A really harsh lesson would be if they left their bike out, it gets stolen AND you don't replace it. Unfortunately, that hurts you too - it's your money. If they leave the bike out, then they can't ride it for whatever time you deem appropriate (at least a whole day). Too bad their friends are riding their bikes - their friends put their bikes away.
Another idea that I have success with is the "you break it, you buy it" philosophy. I told my kids that if they lose or break a toy or sports equipment item, they owe the price of the item to mom and dad AND if they want another one, they have to pay for it. Also known as "Double Jeopardy." hee Yeah, I'm mean, but it works.
Another mean mom moment: My middle girl "lost" her DS somewhere in the house shortly after receiving it at Christmas (brand new). Middle girl claimed she "looked everywhere!" but couldn't find it. Youngest girl found it, but we didn't tell middle girl. I wrapped it up and gave it to Middle girl for her birthday, which was in March. Now middle girl keeps that DS in its case when not in use. Hmmmm....think she learned her lesson. :D
Good luck!
They are 5 & 7 years old, they should know better, by now.
The book: "Have a New Kid By Friday" by Leman... has some really great tips and suggestions. Not 'mean' solutions... but useful and works.
You can get it from Amazon or E-bay.
I recommend it.
Its an easy quick read.
Buy washable markers and crayons. Crayola makes them.
Tell them to clean it themselves.... and you right there, and show them how to clean it....
Make them do chores... they are old enough.
Make a poster, and list the "rules" of the home.
Teach them what a "family" is... and how they are a PART of that. They are not separate. You are not their maid.
If my kids break something or lose something, and they know better, I do not replace it... and they just have to deal with it.
gather up all your kids things/toys/anything... and put it in a closet. Put EVERYTHING in time-out. Or leave it there indefinitely. AND then have them, if they want something from the closet, earn it. Or have to ask for it POLITELY... and as soon as they are done with it, put it back in the closet. Have them play with anything, ONLY in 1 certain room. ONLY.
LET them get bored, with NONE of their toys/markers out. Too bad.
Tell them, to read a book.
Leave the books out for them.
DO NOT GET THEM anything else, new.
Or go to the 2nd hand store ONLY... to get things, if anything. It will be a good lesson.
My kids are only 3.5 and 7 years old, and we have taught them the value of money and that everything costs something, and has "value."
Teach your kids that.
And in school, at their ages, your kids are taught about "money" already... right? and addition/subtraction of it and how to 'pay' for things.
good luck,
Susan
My daughter will be 3 in October and she has a tremendous amount of respect for her things and mine. She always has no more than 3 (or so) out at a time and she's very good about picking up after herself. I sometimes ask her if her room is clean just to get her out of my hair for 5 minutes and she always comes back saying it was a little messy, but I cleaned it up! When I go and check, sure enough, she's cleaned her room. I've expected her to pick up after herself since she was old/big enough to make the mess herself. She puts all of her dirty clothes in the laundry, makes her bed, cleans up her toys, puts her dishes in the sink. Um, no...they are NOT too young to have respect for you, themselves and possessions!! You need to take control of this situation.
I would take away (and I mean THROW AWAY) toys that they tossed/broke/disregarded. I did that when my daughter went through a phase of harshly throwing toys. The first time she did it I told her, "if I see you throwing your toys/cups/dolls, etc. again I am going to take it and put it in the trash." She hasn't done it again.
They need to be cleaning the writing on the walls. They need to be punished (time out, grounding, loss of privliges) for such actions.
If I found a bike at the end of the drive I would get out of the car, put it in the trunk, drive to a good will/homeless shelter/consignment shop and donate the bike (I'd warn the kids this is what will happen to give them the chance to make the right decision).
It's not just about a puzzle with all of the pieces, it's about respect and that is a valuable lesson that you need to be teaching to your kids so they have that to carry them through life.
Good luck to you!
Kids develop at their own pace and each one is different. However, they are too old to write on the walls and sofa. Sit them down and explain why you are taking the markers and they can only use them, supervised with a time limit, until they learn the appropriate surfaces to write on..
Remind them to bring in their toys at the end of the day.
If children don't respect their own property, they won't respect others property either.
Fewer toys (for you AND them to keep track of), natural consequences. I would discuss where bikes belong and what will happen if they leave it on the street. Someone could easily run over it or take it. Now, that someone could be you. I would read How to Talk to your Kids so they'll Listen and Listen so They'll Talk.
For more on using natural consequences, read Love and Logic. There's a Love and Logic class next month here:
http://www.InspiredABQ.com
WOW punish them if they do that
My kids have respect for their toys. We brush Barbie's hair, clean toys, and put the sets together. Taking care of things can be taught.
I have this same problem. I feel your frustration as I experience it daily, too. Although it hasn't worked completely, the only thing that seems to get their attention is taking away whatever they didn't care for. The bike you found at the end of the street? It should be taken away for a week. Toys they leave on the floor or treat carelessly? Gone for at least a week. Also, you might find that the things they buy with their own money will be treated better. We've implemented a chore-chart and allowance money, and some of the things my daughter wants she must buy herself. Funny how those things get treated better than the things I purchase with what children things is all of our parents' unlimited resources.....
Good luck!
Wow, please don't feel judged by all the harsh comments. Being a mom is such a hard balance of being strict yet nurturing. But in my experience, the stricter (within reason of course) the parents, the better adapted the kids will turn out. Try to analyze the situation from all angles to make sure you don't miss anything and see where the problem is originating. Keep your rules simple, direct and consistent (you won't sound like a broken record once they learn that there will be an immediate and appropriate consequence). Sit down with them and briefly explain what the rules (including consequences) are as of today and follow through immediately and consistently. You really need to nip this in bud!
S.,
My kids are 5 and 7 too and I relate to your situation. When my kids were younger they did not have an abundance of toys, we did not have the money. I joined a playgroup when my oldest was 3 and was struck by how many toys other kids had. Out of pure guilt I started buying toys for them, feeling I had deprived them in some way when they were babies. Anyway, that abundance, I believe, led them to not appreciate what they have. We boxed a lot of toys up in plastic bins and labeled them and put them in the basement. When the kids ask for a certain toy, I bring the box up and when they are done they put all the hot wheels, transformers or whatever back in the box and I put it back in the basement. Too many toys in our main living area just made our house seem crazy. Then just last week I started a new rule! My kids can not watch their daily kid show unless their toys are picked up and their rooms are clean. So far it has worked :) I was getting so tired of picking up after them and wondering why I was doing so much work and they were not.
I'm not sure what you should do about the writing. If it was me I would let them know that the next piece of property that belongs to you and your husband that is damaged in an intentional way will have to be paid for. If that means you have to sell some of their belongings on ebay to get the money then so be it. But they are now warned, this will not be tolerated. It sounds like they need a lesson in how to respect things and even though your son may miss his bike if you sell it, the lesson he learns from this will not only be priceless for him now but will last him a lifetime. Sometimes when I set the rules (which is not easy for me!!) I remind myself that I would rather have my sons learn this lesson now, than in 20 years, otherwise they could find themselves in a life of frustration. Society is not always as tolerant as a mother :)
Good Luck,
R.
Kids that old should have respect for their own property and especially other peoples property. Take everything away from them til they can take care of things the way they should be.
My kids have always been good about taking care of their toys and are rather critical of other kids who come over and are rough with their things. We've always taught them to take care of their stuff since they were very little. As far as writing on furniture...who cleans it up? It should be the person who wrote on it and they should have to pay for the paint or cleaner or whatever is needed to do so. They are old enough to know better. If they don't follow the rules, have them clean the bathroom. They are old enough to do that too. My kids still have issues with putting things away and I feel like a broken record sometimes, so I can feel your frustration.
by 5 and 7 they should understand how to take care of their things. I would make them clean up their own messes, even if they write on the walls and things. I would also only let them have one toy out at a time and put the one away before they get another out. If they cant take care of it, take away what's meaningful to them. If my daughter wont pick her toys up, for example, it's no Backyardigans. When I was a kid, it was no books for a day. That was torture. You know your kids best, so you know what's most important to them. Playing with friends, video games, playing basketball or whatever. Good luck, hun!
