Relationship with Parents?

Updated on December 14, 2010
J.W. asks from Tomball, TX
8 answers

Ok I have a question related to the question raised by Momof3girls. In my case my parents were always nasty to my family, including my children. When I was growing up I realized they were only nice to people that were doing something for them. When my sister and I began families, my parents moved 2 hours away saying they were not going to babysit kids.

At the same time we were expected to spend every holiday and event with them or my children did not receive a gift, card or a phone call for birthdays or Christmas. Since by this time I was raising my children alone, we visited a lot because I thought my children would benefit knowing their grandparents. Later I found out about my mother pulling my daughter's hair and locking her outside at 4 years old!

My parents never came to my children's activities like plays, graduations, ball games..... and they consistently ran me down in front of my children about me using the wrong detergent... but mostly for not still being married. (I had been married for 15 years)

At one point my Dad called me and my sisters the same night to tell us we were being disowned and my brother who lives near them was getting everything so I stopped visiting them even though I continued to call and have visited a few times.

Now that my parents are in bad health, my sister and brother expect me to spend time with my parents to help out with the 24 hour care they need. Both of them work contract and are self employed. I work two jobs and I have been dealing with cancer for 12 years. I feel like a bad daughter, but I do not have the energy or the time to spend extended periods with them. I mourned their loss when they openly disowned me. What can I do and still have a life?

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So What Happened?

First off I want to thank each of you for your responses! I love my parents very much but I have learned it is better to love them from afar. Since my ex left in 1990, I have dedicated myself to raising my 3 children. It has been hard and money has been short but together we continue to make it through broken hearts, cancer, and job losses. I am a grandmother now who is learning to be proud of myself even though I never have been able to earn my parent’s respect.

My sister told me a week ago my Dad has an appointment with his cancer doctor tomorrow. (I missed the first one because no one told me about it.) She did not know where or when so I emailed my brother and left a message on his cell phone. It has been a week and still I have not received a response. I am concerned for my parents because my brother stands to inherit everything they own. He does not seem willing to let anyone have any first hand knowledge about their condition or treatment. I am concerned his decisions may not be what they should be.

My sister wants help but clearly my brother does not. My parents placed my brother in charge over their accounts, property…...so I will continue to do what I can for them but it will be on my terms. Thanks to you, I will not let anyone make me feel guilty for anything. Currently, my cancer is under control because of monthly treatments. Thank you for reminding me that stress is my enemy and cancer can and will flourish in times of stress. Thank you again Mommas for everything!

More Answers

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A.R.

answers from Dallas on

I get really sick and tired of people who expect others (ie their kids) to save them from the poor choices they made in their lives! Ok, rant over. Do you have a good relationship with your siblings? If so then see this as a way to help them, not your parents. Sit down with them and see what, if anything, you can do to help them. And by can do I really mean are Willing to do - do not put your own family at risk to help them, but if there are things you can assist with that would help with the burden then try. Maybe you can watch your siblings kids so they can go to your parents house. Make dr appointments for your parents. Do the grocery shopping for them. Pay for a companion to visit one night a month so your siblings can have time off. Contact hospice to arrange some relief. Contact their church to see if someone can visit. In other words, see if there's a way you can help your brother and sister without having to see your parents. Good luck, and don't feel like a bad daughter, ultimately their choices and actions landed them where they are.

2 moms found this helpful
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J.P.

answers from Boise on

Have your life. If you were on good terms with them and still working two jobs and dealing with health issues, you would still need to take care of yourself first. If you have time to visit or do something, and you want to, fine, but don't be guilted into it. (I probably sound really harsh, but they don't sound like they acted like your parents when they had a chance, and can't expect you to drop everything and take care of them like they refused to take care of you.)

1 mom found this helpful

K.M.

answers from Chicago on

My advice ... walk away. You seem to have enough on your plate and do you want to teach your children that it is ok for family to walk all over you? You are teaching your kids that it is ok to treat people this way... that it's ok for her husband to walk all over her and treat her poorly if he buys her things and says "love you" periodically or that it is ok to do these things to her husband/children/family/strangers and that you are only kind to those that will get you what you want or need. Actions speak LOUDER than words. Explain to your children that we need to help Grandma and Grandpa learn that they made a choice to "disown" us due to thier own insecurities (teach them what this means) and that you have decided to honor thier choice even in thier poor health condition. You only want what is best for them (your parents), and you are teaching your children that they have to deal with the consequences of thier actions be they good or bad.

1 mom found this helpful
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P.B.

answers from Houston on

Forgive them. You've got to live YOUR life and cancer thrives on stress and turmoil. You've got to do what's good for you. You really need to sit and focus on what's going to do that. Depending on your relationship with your siblings, tell them (if they don't already know) what's happened, how you feel about it, and what you're going to do. You can NOT run yourself into the ground, but if once a week you've got a couple hours to spare (course, with them living 2 hours away, you'd need most of a day at least since it'd be 4 hours driving time)....so just explain that right now, your survival is more crucial to YOUR family than their needs. Forgive them and forgive yourself!!!!

1 mom found this helpful

M.L.

answers from Houston on

At first thought, I would also agree to walk away. But then I realized, they also disowned your other sisters. If you can all work out some sort of plan to equally share the burden, to a degree that you can handle (physically as well especially with your cancer) that would be ideal. Perhaps in their aging, they have come to also have regrets... perhaps a relationship can be salvaged. Just so, do not allow your siblings or parents to walk all over you. Be firm, if the bs continues, then yes, you can walk away without the guilt of wondering what would of happened had you tried.

L.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

If I could re-write Suzanne W's response below, I would. I agree with her 100% -- with this caveat: If you can do this and live with your decision with a free mind -- meaning NO GUILT -- then do it. Stress will and does affect your health, esp. if you are living with cancer. So I think my ultimate advice would be to do whatever will be less stressful on YOU -- you are in survivor mode right now.

Food for thought: I know someone who was physically and emotionally abused by their father, as was his brother. At some point, one of the sons forgave the father and was there with the father during his last days. The other son could not forgive his father and was not there during his father's demise. The son who was not there has never forgiven himself and has had an absolutely horrible time coming to terms with the fact that he never made amends. He regrets it to this day.

This is what I mean about doing what is best for you. Think about what will be least stressful and painful.

Good luck, ok?

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C.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

they sound like bad parents. let go of the bitterness..although you really dont sound bitter..i would be. decide what you want to do..have them in your life but they will probably have you jumping thru hoops. did they help you deal with your cancer? parents are supposed to love their kids unconditional it sounds like you got the fuzzy end of the lollypop.

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A.K.

answers from Minneapolis on

Wow, that is a very difficult situation. Sorry you have to go through it. Honestly, I don't believe your parents have done much of anything in the past several years to earn your help. I know that's harsh, but they haven't wanted to spend time with you or your kids. I cannot believe that parents and grandparents would act that way. You've got a great example of what not to do with your own kids. I wondered the same question as the other poster - did they help you at all with your cancer treatments? If you choose to help your parents, you will add even more stress to your life. If you choose not to help your parents, you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty.

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