Relationship with Husband After Havin a Child

All that you are experiencing is normal. The suprise is that it has a phisologic basis. My husband is studying for his RN and just did the pediatric and maternity rotations and happily came home from class all semester telling me fascinating tidbits about why I do the mom things I do and he can stand to let the kids cry. (I kept trying to get him to shut up and take the 3 yr old so I could go off and feed the 9 month old while he was telling us this)

As far as getting him involved, it won't happen until he wants it to. Some of that may be the age he likes kids (do you see a pattern that he likes older kids? teens? middle school?) That you will just have to wait for. Some of it is also the kids themselves. My husband can be there willing to play, but both kids will be clinging to me.

Lastly, if it really bothers you, see if there's any way you can get him, or at least you, to a therapist. They can really help you express you feelings and make things work better. It is worth it. We've been going for about a year (we started while I was pregnant with the little one) and he is much more able to hear what I have to say, even when it's negative.

Good Luck!

S.

most dads have a hard time interacting with newborns and babies but do very well as the child gets older and more interactive. Try giving him specific daddy times to just play with the baby and also pick one thing you'd like him to "notice" needs doing and just work on that so he doesn't equate kid time with nagging or fights...hang in there:)

There really isn't too much men can do with a baby. Even an 1 year old. Men also don't usually notice baby care things unless he is the all day regular care giver. That is why the mommies have the babies and are naturally caring.

My husband has a daughter from his previous marriage (his wie died) We have 5 children total. His daughter needed "different" attention after the birth of our baby twins. (now 3) To us sensitive mommys it feels like favoring. It's not.

It's h*** o* the older kids when a baby comes into the family. Especially when the baby is born to a woman different than that childs mother. If she is 12 she is at a very hard time in her life. (We also have 11 year old twin daughters)

Most likely he is trying to help his daughter not feel abandoned or like he loves this new baby more than her. He's giving her extra attention for that reason.

He can't possibly show the same attention to a baby who does not talk or reason. This does not mean he doesn't love the baby. He will be more into the younger child once that child is old enough to actually interact with him.

Relax a little. And try not to nag your husband about the baby. He will be able to help with other things later. You are the mom, you sould take care of the baby.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I went through very similar feelings (minus the stepchild) back in 1993 when my first child was born. My expectations were way off, reality hit me like a slap in the face :(
I think there is a major misconception that fathers today are so much more involved than they actually are. Yes, men do more than they did a generation ago (and there are SOME men who do quite a lot) but really the norm is still that the mom does the bulk of the parenting, especially during the infant/toddler years. Most men just aren't wired to automatically care for a young child, they usually need to be told what to do and when to do it, and I don't think they get they same satisfaction doing those mundane tasks (feeding, bathing, etc.) that we do. So please, try not to take it personally. I'm sure he loves his child with you every bit as much as he does his older daughter. But remember, he's had his daughter longer so the bond is stronger. I'm sure that his bond with his son will deepen over time as they get to know each other better.
If you think your relationship has problems beyond this, by all means, seek some counseling, but it sounds like you may need to just need to re-evaluate what you're expecting from your husband. If he is a good husband, father and provider in every other way then you are probably a very lucky woman :)

Its really hard when you have to blend the family. My first thought is maybe he's like my husband - wasn't really too involved with the kids until they got older and could really interact with him. He just wasn't a real "baby" person but now that the kids are older, he's very involved with the older ones and again not so much with the younger. As for his "favoring" his daughter, maybe he's just trying to make sure she doesn't feel left out since the arrival of the new baby and like most men, he's probably taking it a little further than necessary. I think you should give him time and see how it works out and just keep in mind that perhaps babies are just not his thing.

Dear Megan,
I'm sorry you are going through all this.
I too had issues with my husband favoring a child from his first marriage. What really bothered me was that there were TWO children from his first marriage and one brother was favored over the other to begin with. The one that was kind and happy-go-lucky got completely shafted. When I found out I was pregnant, my stepson sent my husband on a one way trip to guilt-ville. The day I found out I was having a boy, my husband was FURIOUS. Like I was having a boy on purpose just to upset his son. You might be interested to know that my husband was older than me and his son throwing the fits was 18 years old at the time. I doubt your stepdaughter comes close to doing some of the things my stepson did to make things worse, but I blame my husband for allowing it. My husband made it clear he didn't want a boy and said he wished my son had never been born. So, there wasn't a whole lot of help or nurturing going on.
Also, my husband felt very strongly that taking care of the kids and the house was "woman's work". I stayed home, which to him meant I never did anything. Talking to him was like talking to a brick wall. I had a beautiful home, he made tons of money and I didn't have to work. Therefore, it was my job to keep my mouth shut and remember it was his way or the hiway.
Honey, I chose the hiway.
That said, I think your marriage can be saved.
Communication is the key. It really is.
As long as your husband has never said he wishes your baby was never born, he may not realize that it seems to you he is favoring his daughter. He may not realize that sometimes you feel he's not as involved with the baby or giving you a helping hand as you'd like him to be.
You need to find a time to talk, just the two of you and don't be accusatory. Just say you have some feelings you need to share. They may be right, they may be wrong, but they are your feelings and they matter. Say, "Sometimes I feel like....."
Give him a chance to hear you and listen to him.
Tell him you'd really like more time to connect with him, just the two of you, be it a date night a week or whatever.
Happy loving parents raise happy, loving kids.
Things change when a new baby enters the family. Intimacy, sleep, tasks, chores. It's hard. But communicating and working as a team through it is possible.
It's far better to get things off your chest than to allow resentments to build.
And, no offense to men, but men often have blinders on. They get up, they go to work, the bring home a paycheck, they think things are fine. They often don't realize until there's a blow up out of frustration that there was anything wrong. Even if you've said it 20 times.
My husband and I went to counselling before I left him and one little exercise they had us do made me know it would never work.
You can do this at home. It's a communication tool.
It may sound corny, but....
Get a timer and set it for 5 minutes. One person gets to speak, uninterrupted, and say what they are feeling for 5 minutes. Then, the other person repeats, without judgement, what they heard the other person say.
Then the second person has 5 uninterrupted minutes and the other person, without judgement, repeats what was said. It's a way of making sure that you are actually LISTENING to each other.
After weeks of trying this in therapy, my husband could not repeat ONE single thing I said. Not ONE.
It's pretty bad when your marriage therapist tells you it's obvious your husband doesn't care to hear what you say.
I doubt your husband is that narcissistic.
Talk to each other, listen to each other. Make connecting a goal.

I wish you the very best!

Donna has a good head on her shoulders about this.

Some people just don't know what to do with a baby. I know a Mom who didn't know what to do with a baby beyond feeding and diapering!

Don't get mad at him or nag him. Nagging doesn't count as communicating. You can ask him what kind of things he would like to do to be involved with the new baby. If all he wants to do is read to her (and she's old enough for that, I started reading to my kiddo when she was three months old) then so be it! As your son gets older he'll connect more and more with him.

PS: I remember when Daddy was going to watch over our daughter. She asked me, "Does he know how to take care of me?" She was about four when she asked this. She did not remember a time when she was around Daddy without Mommy. Now our daughter will accidentally call me Dad and she's six years old.

My aunt told me that she and her husband had to reinvent their marriage after the births of each of their 2 children. From the outside I would never have guessed. Likewise, my marriage had to readjust. It was just like you described--he just didn't seem to see what had to be done. When we were out with the baby all it took for people to talk about what an amazing involved father was holding the baby (and handing him to me for diaper changes).
Now our son is 2 1/2 and my husband is the amazing involved dad that people mistook him for when our son was 6 mos old. I'm not sure exactly how we got here. It has something to with communication, seeing that we are both trying (and giving things up), and time. I think mothers have 9 mos to get used to the idea that everything is changing with hormones to help make the transition once the baby is born. For some reason it takes a while for fathers to catch up. My best advice is to come up with a regular list of things that you need help with and tell him that these are ways you could use some help. Then, let him spend time alone with the baby. That will help more than anything. For your marriage, start having weekly date nights. Definitely don't worry about him spending time with his older daughter. It is a sign of being a caring father, not favoring her. This is probably a very tough time for her. She needs her father too.
Give him the chance to step up and he probably will.

Try to be patient with him, and maybe ask for help with other things so you can do the major portion of the childcare. A lot of men aren't comfortable with the little ones and he will probably warm up to your child closer to age two. You've already said he's better with him as he gets older and has more personality. I think it may be that men are afraid they'll hurt the little ones... or that they feel left out because we mammas are so close to them by nature.

You say your husband is great with kids, and he is, with kids he can really interact with. You've seen him with his 12 year old and other older kids. Many people have trouble interacting with very young children. After having my first child I found it hard to really play with her myself and I was her mother! They are almost subhuman for a while. I don't think he favors his first child over his second, it's just that he doesn't KNOW his second child because the baby doesn't have a personality yet. It's possible that with his first marriage things went the same way. His first wife probably took care of most of the baby's needs and he took up the reigns when the kid was old enough to respond to him in a way he could work with.

The relationship between my husband and I did change a lot after the birth of our child but it does snap back after a while. It took us almost three years though to grasp a bit of what we had before the baby was born. It will never go back to the way it was before completely, because things are different now, but they do get better.

My husband will walk over the same pair of dirty underpants on the floor until they solidify and have to be removed with a chisel if I don't say anything. I know it makes you seem like a nag but some people, not just guys, are not as observant and considerate as others and at his age, he's pretty much cooked now.

So, knowing this, you'll just have to work around his limitations and get better at asking for what you need and want and realize you're not nagging but helping him to help you because it's all together possible he doesn't know any other way.

If you want him to do something, set it up in advance and if he doesn't follow through tell him it hurts your feelings and makes you feel terrible that he seems to ignore you when you ask him for help. If he helps when you ask him to, make sure to thank him and tell him you appreciate his help. People don't normally like to do things unrewarded. There are very few Mother Teresa type people born to this earth who would do things for others because they just love helping, so make sure to reward behavior you want to see repeated and admonish the behavior you would like to curtail.

You be his eyes and ears since he doesn't seem to notice when things need doing. Then just politely ask him to do whatever thing you need with a smile in your voice and be honest with him. I'm positive he's not actively trying to make your life harder or doing anything on purpose. Some people just work differently than others and you have to work around the quirks of your mate.

My husband's tolerance for dirt and filth is a lot higher than mine. He can let things go in the house a LOT longer than I can so when something starts to irritate me, he's perfectly fine with it and willing to let it go longer so it's up to me to initiate the cleaning and rope him into helping since if it were up to him we'd be ankle deep in our own waste before he was phased.

Just don't think of it as nagging. Think of it as asking to have your needs met in a positive but assertive manner. If he doesn't meet your needs, tell him your needs are being back burned by him in your estimation and that you really could use his help with the upbringing of his new offspring. I really don't know his personality... or yours, so it's pretty hard to give advice tailored to you.

I just know that my guy is a sweet, caring, loving man who is thick as a brick when it comes to what I need to feel content most of the time but I've slowly trained him to meet my needs over the years by sweetly asking, praising heavily and puffing up his ego when he takes care of what I need taken care of and showing my disappointment and sometimes using tears, not anger, to show him that I'm unhappy if he ignores what I need him to help me with.

Also, I know it seems a little underhanded and devious, but rewarding with sex can go a long way to cement in the mind of your man what things you need him to take care of. It's a kind of unspoken, if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours kind of arrangement. Right in the middle of foreplay just thank him again for whatever it was he helped you with that day, regardless of how trivial it was. It'll stick in his mind and he'll associate that chore with his good feelings.

It worked for me.

What you're describing is normal. Try not to be too annoyed, it will be bad for your relationship.

Men usually are not that into babies, and they relate to their offspring much more the older they get. It has NOTHING to do with your husband preferring his daughter more. Have you considered that your husband probably wasn't very involved with his daughter when SHE was a baby?

Yes, women notice things men don't notice. That's one of the many ways in which the sexes are completely different. As your son grows, this will become evident to you.

Go give your husband a kiss, and let this go.

that was definitely my experience. my partner let me do almost everything when our daughter was born. i think this is due in part to the fact that he was a first time father, who grew up without a dad and didn't have model of a two parent home in which both parents do equal work with the baby. yes, it has gotten much better, with a lot of work on my part and good intentions and lots of love on his part. the big difference obviously between my and your situation is that your hubby had a kid already! he should know what to do. ask him how the division of responsibilities worked with his first child, and how that worked out (they're not together anymore obviously). try to help him do some reflection on his own patterns and whether he is showing empathy or not, and whether he is fulfilling his responsibilities as a dad. also, how does he want his kid to grow up? seeing you do all the work? is that what he wants to model in terms of manhood?

i hope this helps a little, even just to know you're not alone. keep us updated and good luck honey!

It was the same way with me and my husband, it was so hard for him to just help without being asked when our son was first born, it was all on me basically until he could play with our son more, that's when he became more active in his life. Its hard to say how to deal with it because I still hold a slight grudge towards him because that was a time when I really needed his help and he failed to notice or care really. Now our son is 16 months old and we have another son on the way who is due in Feb. He (my husband) says that he will try harder to be of more help this time around but I know that I'm probably going to be in a similar situation, I am not having anymore children after this partly because of the lack of "joint parenting" that sounds corny, but you and I both know that it takes two and often it was all on our shoulders. Hang in there though you have obviously been doing a great job because your son has made it through the first year and your still sane , but I know it can be rough and also very frustrating, but one thing my mother tells me is that it won't always be this way, one day we will be remembering the days when our children were toddlers... Good luck! And stay strong!!

Me and my husband also had a very hard time after our son was born. The easier our son got, the better our relationship got. He is three now and we have been good for at least a year. I remember crying in my car a lot because I couldn't believe I had made such a big mistake choosing him as a partner but now I am happy that I did. I think some men just do better when the kids are older. I hope things turn around for you!

Marriages go through cycles. The first few years after having a baby together is one of the most trying times in a marriage. The other one for us was midlife.

I'd like to reccommend a few books that are real eye openers. I beleive if they are read with an open heart they can change your relationship for the better. it certainly worked for us. (Along with the Bible.) We were on the verge of a divorce 2 yrs ago this month. My husband said he didn't love me anymore. Our constant, bickering, ragging(me) push and pull over wanting our needs to be understood and met by the other was wearing our relationship away. We really didnt like eachother much anymore.Today he tells people we love each other more than we ever did. Talk about a 360!

For him to read: If He Only Knew, What No Woman Can Resist"

For you to read: Sacred Influence, What A Man Needs From His Wife To Be the Husband She Wants"

Above all forgiveness, giving people the benefit of the doubt, putting others needs before you and having a servant heart, praying outloud for eachother (the other hearing you saying good willed wishes for them) and grace (giving UNDESERVED favor to someone) are the attributes to a thriving marriage that stands the test of time.

God Bless you,
Gail

Megan,

Unless the father is a stay at home dad...he will not "know" what needs to be done. Men are very oddly programmed. They act like they have no clue what needs to be done. My husband will get our daughter "ready" and he will put both of our girls in the truck and once we are on the road...I notice that there are no bibs, no burb rags, no blanket, and only 2 bottles. My husband is very helpful, however, does he do it the way a stay at home would?....no! If you want him to help...make a check list and ask him to help you with it! That way...he will know EVERYTHING that needs to be done!

Hope it works out!

Hi Megan,

I don't think this is a general male/female issue. I think there is a wide continuum in people's natural ability to be "nurturing". We have a few male friends who are incredibly nurturing to their children, in one case even more so than his wife. Our kids also have a grandmother and great Aunt who had little interest in them as babies and focus all their attention on the older children.

I'm one of those people who can't resist the urge to hold a baby, any baby, any chance I get. My husband on the other hand, has always "hated" babies. (His words.) Even well into toddler-hood, he has trouble connecting with them. I'm sorry to say that it's not been until they are at least 4 years old that my husband even began to enjoy spending time with our kids.

To make matters worse, I am a SAH mom and my husband works relatively long hours. That means that anytime I ask him to do any sort of kid-related chore (diaper change, bath, brush teeth), he acts like I am asking something really huge of him. Like I am not doing my job, and he should be able to relax. There have been periods when I really struggled with this, and felt like I am parenting our children on our own, rather than us being a team. Our kids recently said that "Daddy's babysitting us tonight" when I had a meeting to attend. That upset their father, but it does illustrate that they are used to me doing all the everyday child care tasks.

Overall though, he IS a good husband and father. He works hard and is reliable. He is caring and the kids think he is a lot of fun. He asks them about their day during dinner. He's teaching them to play chess and the guitar. He loves to play ball with them. Last year our 8yo dedicated a book he wrote at school to his dad. The baseball season had just ended and my husband had been the coach. That was really hard for my husband to manage work-wise, but it created a wonderfully powerful connection for them.

We all have strengths and weaknesses. One of the challenges in marriage is finding a balance and expressing our needs. Based on his good relationship with your step-daughter, I think you can be fairly confident that things will get better with your 1yo. Eventually. The trick is figuring out how to keep the marriage happy and healthy until then.

Best wishes,
D.

Hi Megan,

I read your story and I have some thoughts about that. I know you are sad and upset because your husband 's attention more favored on his own daughter. Just try to understand that he is trying to make up the missing part of a mother in his child's life. He wants to give her all the support he can give so his daughter won't miss the other part. He doesn't seem to care much about your child with him. That makes you sad. I don't blame you for that but I just ask you to be in his shoes so you can understand what he is thinking and you can solve this problem easier. It will be very hard but you have to do it. Get rid of the thought your kid or his kid. Just being the mom for his kid. She is at the age of 12 which is the state of trying to be independent and struggling between a little girl and a young lady. This will make your role as a mother to her real importance thing to do. Be there when she needs you. Give her love and support just like you do to your own boy. Your husband will respect you for that and he will love you more and I am sure he will do the same to the boy when you contribute your motherhood evenly to both kids. Good luck.

Hi Megan,

My dh was only mildly helpful with our first child. When the second one came, he was less helpful. This was one of the triggers that started weekly date night. I told him that I needed time away from the kids and that we needed to work on us. We did not do therapy, we do dates. I get the chance to vent about my day to an adult and I get to work on being his girlfriend. This has been the best thing for our marriage. We like each other a whole lot more.

As for having him help out with the baby, it is hard for many men to be able to bond with such a little person. They are afraid of breaking the child and because men are doers, it is really hard for them to have strong bonds with these little people who really can't do much.

He will bond with the newer child. It will just take a little time. As for you, do the date thing. We frequently get something to eat and then walk and window shop or play cards or just talk AWAY from home. And, he will be a hero at work. My dh is the hero at work because he does what all the women want their husbands to do. (Mine is an HR manager so he works with mainly women.)

Good luck.

D.

I totally know how you feel. There is one thing I learned from comments I've heard from my dad. There are some men who are just completely useless until the kids reach an age where they can really interact (like around 3 years old). Until then, these types of men are completely clueless as to what needs to be done and how to do it. There seem to be all kinds of different reasons. What drives me nuts is that my husband gets angry at my for "micromanaging" him when it comes to the kids, but then if I don't he get's mad because I didn't give him the full download! I'm hoping it will get better eventually, but for now, I have to remind myself that I bear the burden of the children and I just have to smile and nod (because my husband doesn't see the problem and won't get counseling).

Dear Megan:

You sound so sad and I can picture what it must be like having been divorced and remarried and seen my children in similar situations.

Fathers of beloved children who fear losing the relationship and the closeness because of divorce, work hard at catering to the child and missing her when they are separated. Your husband also seems like the kind who feels more comfortable with older children than with newborns.

I am sure that having a son is a greater joy to him than he appears to show you. He may not feel competent with infant care and nagging or correcting him will only make him less eager. Now that your baby is walking and talking and wanting more time with daddy, I believe things will change in their relationship.

I am more concerned about the relationship between the two of you. I suspect you are tired because you are doing all the child care and that leaves you less energetic and eager for the things you did together before you had a baby to care for. He may also feel a bit jealous of the time and love you lavish on your baby.

I would suggest that you either find a good counselor to talk to either alone or with your husband. If it is possible to get him to talk with you alone without a counselor present then you can discuss this issue with him, but be careful to express your feelings, emotions, rather than accusing him of causing them. And try not to feel too bad if he seems to be blaming you on his change of attitude .

Good luck working this out!!

Blessings, N.

Hi,
I'm sorry to hear about the strain. My daughter is 2 and I felt exactly the same way. What has made a huge difference for me is reading the book "Babyproofing Your Marriage". It's written by three moms and talks about how our relationships with our husbands change when we have kids (I was expecting that my life would change after having baby but completely blindsided that it would change in this way - but guess this is normal), how husbands see things, and how we can make things better, among other things. I have to say, I feel less angry, annoyed, frustrated, etc. with my husband after reading this. Hope this helps!

http://www.babyproofingyourmarriage.com/

Hi Megan,
You have my sympathies for your relationship difficulties. I am in the same boat. We have a 7 y.o. and almost 3 y.o. twins. He was pretty hands off after the oldest one was born, which was ok, because there was only one of her and she was a pretty easy baby. After our twins were born, his hands off approach did not work anymore. We have fought more in the last 2.5 years than we did in all the years we've been together. I have lost almost all the positive feelings that I used to have for him. I barely like him at times, and I don't respect him anymore. It's gotten pretty bad. To me, he's like a 4th child. I've explained to him how I need him to help me out more with the kids. All of it seemed to fall on deaf ears for 2 years, but recently he has started to "get it," although it doesn't really change his behavior much. I am a SAHM, so he figures I should handle everything myself. I must admit my own culpability in the demise of the relationship. I haven't paid as much attention to him as I should and we haven't had enough time alone together even just to have an uninterrupted conversation. It's easy to feel justified treating him like another kid when he acts like it. Since I'm right in the depths of strugging with this, I don't have much helpful advice. Just know you're not alone, I wish you all the best.

Hello Megan, As the mother of 5 and having a man that I adore as their father and also having a father that was married several times with several children to speak of.I just wanted to give you a little insight. I understand you are a bit jelous of your step daughter taking part of the attention away from your child but that goes on if you had all 5 with him.
Some men are just not good with babies, they are not confident with how to care and take charge. Some men when they have already done this previous have also had a woman that didn't want their help and they have chosen not to put them selves thru it again. But then all changes when the baby becomes a bit older between 6-12 months. I was blessed witha husband that had no experiance with children but was the pied piper of them. He wanted nothing more than to spend all his time with them. They still adore that about him and as adults and now that my sons are fathers they are just like their dad and are great-- I have daughter in law, that felt almost cheated when her little one wanted daddy. So it takes all kinds of situations.
Youknew he had a daughter and even if she had been yours he would still be a daddy to her and need to split up his time with his children. I don't think you are being reasonable to expect less of him and maybe that is just why you were attracted to him in the 1st place. What kind of man would he be if he ignored his daughter to just yours alone?? Be grateful that he wanted to be a man that steps to the plate and enjoys his family. Take Care and enjoy your little one. Nana Glenda

Donna did a perfect job of answering this! I don't think I need to add anything else other than be patient, set time aside for the marriage. You can get lost in being "mom" and not realize that your marriage needs as much attention as your kids do. Maybe if you take the time to relax with him, talk to him, he will be more willing to listen. Most of us do better with that approach than having someone upset with us.

I totally know how you feel, my husband now after our 3rd child is getting into the hang of things, but I still find that things don't come as easily to him with the baby. As the kids get older, he has gotten a lot more involved! I think that you should also consider that possibly he is giving his older daughter attention so that she does not feel as though she is forgotten. I know that my older kids went through some struggles of feeling "less than" the baby when we had our 3rd, and all 3 kids are ours together. Maybe he is trying to make sure that she does not feel as though the baby is more important than she is. I am sure that you would not want her to feel that way either. I know that it really helped my relationship with my husband when we started having a 'date night' or even just some time that was set aside for us to spend together. I think that a lot of times our husbands feel as though they are on the "back burner" and less important than the new baby, and I have to admit that I have in the past had the attitude of "You are a big boy and can do it yourself and the baby cannot" but I think that they still need to know that we love them and they are a priority to us....just some food for thought - I hope that things get better!

Megan - you are right. You are not alone in this. One thing that caught my attention is that you pointed out that your husband is better with the baby now that the baby is 12 months old. In my experience, it is typical (not just with my husband, but many of our male friends). It isn't that they don't love the baby, but they are generally nervous & don't feel like they can do what needs to be done...they let us do it because it is instinctual to us. I am actually curious as to how involved he was with his first child...if he wasn't then you know it is most likely his issue.
To answer the other part of your request - yes our relationship was strained (VERY much so). You are overwhelmed with your first child - so was I. On top of that, my mom died when I was 19 so I was feeling REALLY alone. The thing is, life has changed for both of you as a couple - a 12 year old is fairly self-sufficient whereas the demands of a baby can really wear on both of you. You need to make sure that you two take time for each other first. He may be feeling jealous of the baby - the fact that you spend all your time with him. As for getting your husband to help, one thing I have really learned is to not nag because it will push him further away. Be very direct in what needs to be done..."Honey I am folding laundry will you please check the baby's diaper?" or something like that. I have found honey-do lists are also helpful. But even before all that, have you sat down & talked to him about how you feel? He deserves to know. Maybe seeing a marriage counselor will help you two to open up the lines of communication again.
I wish you the best of luck. My 5 1/2 years of marriage have been an extreme roller coaster & I have learned SO much in such a short period. It is wonderful that you are being proactive by reaching out for help!

Hi Megan,

Husbands are tough. Everyone is different and even the ones that are helpful, are not perfect (not that we are) and none of them do things the same way that we would do them under the same circumstance (they may not even notice something that obviously needs to be done, needs attn). I don't know if I have any solid advice, only that you are not alone. And i think some thing that helps is to pick your battles (it sounds as though you have a couple - that he doesn't help and that your child plays second fiddle to others). Maybe try creating a list of responsibilities you need for him to pitch in with - decide what you think is fair and give him specific instructions when you want each task completed, neach week. Keep in mind that even doing the same task will look very different than the way we would complete it (just hve to let this go). Finally, in terms of your child playing second fiddle - it could be that he is not comfortable with little ones and as yours is older, they will develop a closer bond. As much as you can, appreciate all the time you have to spend with your little as the time goes so fast. I would definitely wait on having any additional children until these issues are resolved. Hope I've been of some help. Take care.