Relationship Advice - Plano,TX

Updated on December 29, 2008
S.P. asks from Plano, TX
5 answers

Hello, I'm S. and I'm requesting some relationship advice from others outside of my situation. I'm a single, confident mom of a beautiful 4 yr old girl and I've been seeing my boyfriend for about a year and a half and our relationship has taken a down turn over the past few months. He has been the most wonderful man I have met and he adores my little girl. He'll do anything for us at anytime. He's very loving, caring and my friends and family really do like him; even though they do think he's a little different but not in a bad way. I know my friends are just being on my side and will say what they think I want to hear and my family is going to support whatever decision I make.

The past few months we've been arguing, fighting and our talks seem to end up in fights but I know there's an underlying reason as to why but it keeps nagging at us both. This past summer we had a situation come up that seems to have locked our communication in a stand still. Everything up to that point has been great. I felt he could have been more open with our discussion and it seemed I had to pry out of him any feelings he had. It's not that he didn't give me some input but I guess I was looking for more; or for him to make a decision. I'm feeling that I was left alone with no support. Since then I've started to withdraw and I guess that's when the fights have started. I'm just not sure if I can put my faith into him again. This is the biggest test that our relationship has come across. He has tried to be more open since but has not brought up what I feel is the issue we need to discuss. Maybe if we can talk about the issue and resolve it, our relationship can get back to what it was before. I know I do love him and want him around us but we just can't seem to get past the arguments. We didn't spend the holidays together but I did think about him the whole time and I've thought about maybe spending New Years with him. He doesn't live with me but I would like that in the future. Should I try and bring up our past discussion since that's what seems to be unresolved or should I see if he'll bring it up? How can I bring it up if he doesn't? I really think that our relationship is worth saving and given a chance in the New Year.

I'm just really comprehensive right now but he really is a great man aside from our communication (or lack of). Can communication, faith, trust and love be brought back together? Do I give the man that I am in love with a chance to talk again about our issue and see if his trying to communicate is better? I know I can be hard to be around at times and my mind is not totally made up to throw our relationship aside. I am angry and have not talked to him in a while. I do want to but every time I want to call or email this issue pops into my mind. I do know that he's been trying and maybe I'm still too hurt to give him the chance. I do want to try and I do love him. Please help with any suggestions or opinions you may have. Your friend, S.

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T.O.

answers from Dallas on

I am a female massage therapist and conflict resolution specialist. I would highly recommend a book called Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton & Sheila Heen. It is the best book on having any kind of a conversation with anyone that I have ever found. This is a book that ALL people should read, even children. I believe it ought to be taught in schools. You can get it from amazon.com and probably a good used copy very inexpensive. Feel free to call me anytime.
T. O'Connor ###-###-####

1 mom found this helpful
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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

You have a 4 year old girl who will learn to be a woman from you; how to treat herself, how to let others be treated, how to be in relationships with men, how to have healthy relationships. My mother was married 4 times and NONE of them worked out. She dated a LOT when I was growing up, lived with a guy for a while, the whole shebang. I am working hard to NOT make the mistakes she's made - therapy helped - but it's HARD. I can't stress enough that you have to remember that you AND your daughter are in every relationship you are in.

If you're serious about him and think he might be the one - if you fixed this, would you marry him? - then get some counseling and make things right. I think it's important to pick a direction with this relationship and then go from there. Either make a family with him, or make a family with your daughter.

Good luck, and I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make! Take care.

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M.H.

answers from Dallas on

Hi S., every relationship has defining moments. You don't mention what the situation this summer was about. You mention you don't have trust and faith in him no more for not fully sharing his feelings. Did he cheat on you? Do something illegal? Without knowing the issue it seems like you may be overreacting and you need to apologize to him for that, and lend the olive branch. Tell him how sorry you are, that you love him, think he is great, etc. That may be all the stress of work and the holidays fueled your overreaction but you really love him and think the best of him and would like your relatinship to have a chance. Thank him for trying to be more open and tell him how you are stuck on knowing more. Explain to him you feel if he doesn't give you full disclosure you feel like you cannot trust each other. Promise and (do it) not to get mad regardless of his feelings, that you will understand them, you just need to know that you can be fully open with each other. Hear him out. Caution, sometimes if people have hidden their feelings it is hard to even know what they are feeling. It is not because they don't want to tell you, it's because they haven't thought about it even themselves. You can help each other overcome this with you asking questions and gently taking care of his heart. Best wishes!

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T.S.

answers from Dallas on

I think you have received some good advice. I wanted to commend you for not having moved in with your boyfriend. I think that is awesome! If this relationships is suppose to be a marriage one day, then you should continue dating and working things out. Don't move in with each other until there is marriage. It will be the best thing for all 3 of you. Communication is key to a marriage. Most anything in a marriage can be worked through if you can communicate and laugh with each other. If you think this relationship is worth saving, then you both need to focus on how to communicate with one another. Share your above email with him and maybe the responses you've received. It will show him from an honest stand point where you are coming from and then you can see what he thinks. Good luck! He sounds like a great guy (you pointed out all the great things yourself :)and I hope you can both work through this.

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C.T.

answers from Dallas on

It is hard to give advice when you didn't say what the situation was last summer. Depending on what it is, it could be a deal breaker. You keep saying he is great, but you, also, say lots of negetive things, too. It almost sounds like you want someone to say stay with him even though you don't think that is what's best for you and your daughter. Do not take this relationship any further unless you know for sure you are both in it for the long haul because your daughter could get hurt. I think you are old enough to know if this relationship is good for you or not. It may just be hard to accept the truth. On the other hand, no one is perfect and most men I've known are not too good at the communication part of a relationship. I don't think you should go into a relationship hoping the other person will change because usually they won't and you need to accept people for who they are and if you can't or it's not good for you and your daughter then say goodbye now. Good luck to you. I'm sure you will make the best decision for you and your child.

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