Recently Separated from My Husband

Well, he is sadly giving her false hope. Next time she says something like what daddy says, you can simply tell her, "Honey, he hasn't asked to come back home and is going to stay where he is." This way you are confronting the issue without badmouthing.

I separated when my daughter was four (she is now 18) and I regret it to this day. My ex-husband is a great guy and we let completely stupid stuff drive a wedge between us and didn't try hard enough to keep our family together. We are extremely close still and very involved as a family.

Is your husband a bad guy, have drug problems or is he abusive?? Is this completely past the point of no return or is it something that can be salvaged? He obviously wants to be in the family home and with his family. Is this something that is worth fighting for?

ETA: I read your SWA...best of luck in your future!

ok once again i am going to play devil's advocate. it seems to me (just on the surface, i know i don't know the situation so bear with me) that you are the "kicker outer" and he has at least voiced that this isn't what he wants. why do you? have you seen a counsellor? done everything you can to ensure there is NO other option? i only say these things because i am in a similar situation. you can read my post about it, but i am a christian and it played largely in my decision making so fair warning.

anyway, in my situation, i was convinced my husband (who is verbally and emotionally abusive) would never change and there was no point. i refused to raise my son like that and had made the decision to leave. until i realized that the one thing we hadn't done was seek help. we had argued, complained, nagged, snarked at each other, fought, but we hadn't actually tried to get HELP. and as hopeless as i felt it was, lo and behold, as soon as i mentioned it to him, he immediately agreed. turned out he feels terrible about his temper and outbursts and wants to change. and LOVES US. and doesn't want to lose us. and is willing to work to fix it.

this is just my experience. we are going to our first counselling session tonight.

i just hate to see anyone end a marriage (and tear up your daughter) without making very sure it is the ONLY option. are you very sure? it sounds to me like maybe you are just very angry. why has he moved out and you are "separated", but not getting a divorce? like someone said, if it is over, then end it, get it over with. but it won't be pretty and there really IS no making it better for your daughter, i'm sorry. i understand if this is really where you want to take everyone....but i do hope that you have made sure he really isn't willing to help you fix it. because if both people are willing, there IS a way. good luck.

I think if there is no fixing your marriage then you need to start the divorce and the mediation process. Most states now require mothers and fathers to take a parenting class that teaches the parents the harm actions like the ones your husband has chosen to do and how they can affect your child. I am glad that you have taken the high road and are putting your daughter's needs first. Once you two enter into the divorce proceedings you can ask the court to provide a mediator. A mediator can help you and your husband build a working relationship concerning your daughter. Your husband sounds very emotionally abusive and it makes me sad that he is using his five year old daughter to plead his case. Just stay strong and keep firm with your daughter that no matter what her daddy says about coming home that it's just not possible and that you both love her. I am sorry to hear that you all are going through this.

For one thing, I'm sorry about your divorce. I've been through it. With two kids.
For another thing, I think that you should get counseling and the reason I say this is that you have to be prepared and understand how kids' minds work when this happens.
It is very normal for children to fantasize about their parents getting back together, but even more importantly, it is even more normal for them to blame themselves when their parents split up and try to find a way to fix it.
Your ex may or may NOT be saying inappropriate things. It could be your daughters interpretation of his attempts to explain why he's not at home with you anymore. He's not going to tell her he loves being single and living in his own house and sleeping in his own bed.
Divorce is very hard for children to grasp. It can be even harder for parents to explain in ways they can learn to cope with.
I really do urge you to seek out a counselor that deals with children and parents of divorce.
My ex was very bitter about me leaving him and it caused huge problems for the kids.
A very good and age appropriate book is "My Life Turned Upside Down But I Turned it Righside Up" by Mary B. Field was recommended reading for my ex and I. It's as much for the parents as for the child.
It might be one of the best books you ever check out.

Best wishes.

Updated

C., I wouldn't accept as gospel that your husband is saying this to your daughter. Sometimes children fantasize this stuff. And she DOES associate daddy being in bed at home with what is really missing - you and he together, because spending the night together is what families do.

If you two are not communicating, you should talk to your lawyer about contacting his lawyer about it, or ask the court for your husband to have some sessions with a child psychologist so he will understand how his child is feeling emotionally. Hearing a professional tell him what he should and shouldn't be saying to her is better than nothing.

If he tries to manipulate her after that, it's all on him and you should get her counseling to help mitigate it.

So sorry - and good luck,
Dawn

Hi, C.--
It is so hard, I know. I was in an abusive marriage and the greatest heartache ever is seeing how it affects the children. No one can understand that unless they go through it themselves. I thought I would share a couple of things that helped us. One, be sure to get yourself supported and, by that, I mean find whatever you can to help support yourself through these difficult times whether it means counseling for you, holding tighter to friends and family, and counseling for your child from a qualified therapist, etc. I totally get that he is saying things and making you out to be the bad guy. Don't buy into it. You be the rock for her, you be the safe place for your child to vent. Validate her feelings as much as you can. Tell her you understand how it must be confusing and how difficult that must feel. Remind her always that, no matter what, you both love her. Never badmouth him (despite how tempting it is and how deserved it would be!). You are doing the right things. I found one book really helpful. It was called, It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear. It worked well for when my daughter was a bit younger than yours. Your local librarian will surely have some good suggestions. You can't control your soon to be ex, but you can at least control things from your end-- and pretty much that is all you can control. I love what my domestic violence counselor said to me awhile back: Expect your ex to be who he is and do what he does. Remain disengaged, have clarity and stay empowered in your truth and be clear about your child, C., I send you love and prayers during this difficult time with best wishes for you and your daughter.

I think what you do is validate her. She is hurt and confused and wishes things were the same. You may not be in love with her dad anymore (and for very valid reasons, so no judging here) but he is the first male love in her life and she still is. This is the hard part of divorce. These are concepts too big for them to understand, so you aren't going to be able to make her see what you feel to be the wisdom of your decision. Let her be hurt and confused. Tell her that you understand and are so sorry she is sad. Tell her all them time how much you both love her and that will never stop. Let her come to you with her feelings and get them all out.

You are right in not bad mouthing him. She is part of him, so when you bad mouth him you are bad mouthing part of her. She will take it personally and she should.

If you have any kind of ability right now to talk to him and it stay a rational conversation, then you should. You should at least have an agreement on what you will say to her when she comes to you. You should have ground rules about what is and is not okay to say to her and about each other. Ask him what HE would like you to say and tell him what you have been saying. Put the best foot forward on this and show him that you are going to respect his relationship with her and see what he says.

I got divorced befor my daughter was born. My husband was having an affair and I didn't want my daughter raised thinking that was ok. Everyone can judge as they want to but I wasn't willing to see if he would change. To me there are certain things that can be MORE damaging to your children than the actual divorce. My daughter never experienced us together but she still asks questions because we're not the traditional family so when their are shows or pictures with mommys and daddys she dosn't really see why we arn't like that. Somtimes just aknowledging I understand shes confused is enough. So like with your daughter saying I understand your sad that daddy misses his bed. He'll get used to things and just letting her know you sympathize. I genuinly beleive as parents somtimes we can over explain somthing into a bigger issue than it is. We're so scared we're scarring them that we overdue and over explain. This will be a huge adjustment for all of you and just being there for her is ok. I think no matter what you say she won't fully understand things and thats ok. I'm so sorry for what your going through no matter what your situation is my heart goes out to you in this difficult time!

She is a five year old who is very perceptive. Tell her the truth. If Daddy wants to come home he has to go to an anger management course to learn not to yell, talk mean and be a calm person. Tell her you cannot live in such a chaotic marriage.
She knows he shouts and says nasty things. So that will help her to see why the two of you are not together any more.

Unfortunately, the bottom line is:
You really can't control... what the other parent is telling your child, nor what that other side of the family, is telling your child.
Any child, of any age... even a teenager, can be impressionable and really affected by what, the "other side" may tell your child.

A child can't discern all this. Nor take sides. Nor be neutral about it. A child cannot do that.
And they don't do well being put in this situation.
And they do, get confused. Even if you... talk to her.
That is still her Daddy.

Perhaps, get her counseling.
My friend did that with her children upon her Divorce.
It was very helpful.

Do you both, have actual custody arrangements? Or is this just you and he taking turns seeing your daughter?
There are so many different types, of "custody."