Received a Disturbing Text from Boyfriends Daughter

Updated on January 29, 2019
S.A. asks from Seattle, WA
22 answers

So I have been dating this guy for over 2 years I allowed his daughter to move in my home she lied on me several times and he wouldn't do anything but come with telling me about his daughter so she went back home to her mother. I recently got diagnosed with anxiety and she wanted to come back I did explain to her not now that I needed to work with getting myself together its been about 5 months and she had been wanting to come back I told her no. Now during this time her father is bugging me about her coming back I told him not now. I got home from work yesterday and she send me a text telling me she hates me and calling me the b word and saying that she wish her father never speaks to me again. When I send to him he never backs me he just starts telling me what I did wrong as well and didn't offend me at all. I have 3 grown children and they would never and they respect me and him and would never. I did block her and would like to leave them both alone. Asking for advice Don't want to go to family

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So What Happened?

She is 23 years old and when I sent the message to her mom she apologize. He is now on the road so he is in Los Angeles but I do feel like he allows her to badger me and when he started coming to me with excuses. I told him no excuse for this text message

So I will be doing that tonight ladies getting out of it just wanted to make sure I was making the right decision.

Featured Answers



answers from Pittsburgh on

Break up with the unsupportive boyfriend, you deserve better. Then, I think the girl will not contact you again. Win-win.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

I'm sorry, I'm so confused.

You are dating this guy and living with him?

If you have blocked her and don't want to communicate with either one of them? Sounds like the relationship is over. Move out or have him move out and be done with it.

Don't go back and don't look back. Learn from this relationship.

6 moms found this helpful

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answers from Pittsburgh on

if you aren't living together? Just be done with this "thing".

If you are living together? If it's your place? Broom him. Tell him NEVER to darken your door again.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

What's the big mystery?
Are you and he living together?
If you are then that needs to stop.
Break up with the boyfriend already.
Your anxiety will get SO much better when he, his daughter and his whole bundle of drama is out of your life!

You sort of want to place all the blame on the daughter for this but the boyfriend is allowing it and even defending her - so he is disrespecting you by proxy.
You can't allow this to continue.
He needs to become an ex boyfriend.
If it's your house - boyfriend needs to move out.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Are you living in your own house, and your boyfriend is living elsewhere? Then why is she in your house? Block her and stop answering. Why do you explain to someone else that you need time to get yourself together? She's not your friend and what your emotional needs are is none of her business. "No" is a complete sentence. If she has a key, get a locksmith and change the locks. Do not give a key to your boyfriend, just to your children and a trusted friend or neighbor.

Why are you dating someone who doesn't have your back and who badgers you to help out his daughter? Why are you with someone who tells you what's wrong with you?

Why isn't she living with him or with her mother or on her own? If they can't stand her or can't manage her, why should you? I really have to wonder why anyone thinks it's a good idea to force you to take someone into your house. And if she lies, does she also steal? Do you want someone like that in your home, who takes advantage of you in every way?

I can see why you would send her text to your boyfriend, but he has shown you in every way that you are not his priority. You haven't said one good thing about him or shown us any possible reason to date him. Being alone is better than being emotionally abused and manipulated.

I think you should concentrate on your own health and treatment for your anxiety. I think you should go to work and go to counseling to get support for your anxiety as well as your difficulty in getting out of this really toxic relationship. While it may not have caused your anxiety, it certainly is a major factor in having trouble managing it. I suggest that you work on not feeling guilty about taking care of yourself and not taking care of other people.You know how the flight attendants give the safety lecture? They tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and only then to assist those around you, including your children. You cannot help anyone on a plane if you cannot breathe, and you cannot help anyone in your life if you cannot breathe either.

Please find a supportive counselor or psychologist to help you deal with your anxiety, and techniques for handling it, and any possible medication to help you.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Wausau on

It sounds like it is time to end your relationship with this man. He doesn't have your best interest in mind and he isn't ever going to tell his daughter to stop verbally abusing you.

What is happening now is showing you quite clearly the kind of person he is. You may love him, but that's not enough. Sometimes we have to let go of people who are not good for us even if it hurts to do so.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

Here’s my advice. Dump the boyfriend. He is part of your stress. He doesn’t put you ahead of his disrespectful daughter in your home. He doesn’t discipline her. He is gaslighting you, trying to make it your fault.

Working on getting yourself together should include not having this no-good relationship hindering your recovery.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

If it's your home (you're paying the mortgage/rent), you get to decide who lives with you and who doesn't.

That aside, this is a lot of drama. I would ditch the guy.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

You say in the beginning of your post that it is your home. If that's the case, you have every right to say no to any other adult person living there. Your boyfriend's daughter is 23 and should be capable of living on her own.

I won't tell you what to do, but I will ask you this, why do you accept a relationship with a man who doesn't see to care about what you think or how you feel? Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

This whole thing sounds like a mess, and it's hard to understand why you would continue to participate in it, when this is your home and you could have a peaceful life without these people who don't seem to share the same values as you.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

I assume you are living with this guy? Even if you’re not, you need to begin distancing yourself from these people. ASAP.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

What is your question?

He showed you who he really is. Time to move on.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Ditch them both.
You deserve better.
They are both users.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

received disturbing question three times from S..
received disturbing question three times from S..
received disturbing question three times from S..

so does the jerk you've been dating for two years, and whose daughter moved in with you close to a year ago, live with you as well?

if you've got her blocked and don't want to hear from either of them again (sensible) what further advice are you seeking?


5 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I would not have sent the text to her mom. The daughter is 23, adult and should be treated as such.

Personally, I would block them both. Your health and Your children are far more important than these two.

Make sure you BLOCK both, don't read the texts or answer the phone. Blocking will prevent any texts or calls from coming through. If they show up at your home, ask them to leave and if they don't call the police and file trespassing charges. Be FIRM

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

This is hard to understand.

I noticed you referred to it as 'my home' and that you have been 'dating this guy'.

That doesn't sound that healthy.

Why not just move on?

Life is easier when simpler. We choose who we have in our lives. There are lovely people out there who don't have drama and emotional problems. No one I know lives like this. You must be drawn to it. Why did you involve her mother? That would never occur to me. She is in her twenties. My sisters were married at that age. I just find that odd. Sorry - but if you treat her like a child, she'll act like one.

Don't engage in this stuff.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Don't blame the daughter - blame the dad. He has clearly raised an over-entitled brat. By him continually excusing her behaviors, you should realize which side he is always going to be on.

Dump the loser and move on.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Don't say not now say no. No she can't move back. She's playing one parent against the other moving between the houses when it suits her. That's not the way it works unless its in the divorce decree. The problem is that you are sending mixed signals. Maybe in a child's mind means you are going to agree some time in the future. Just nip it now and let what happens happen.

You might also want to think about continuing this relationship since you and your guy don't seem to be on the same page when it comes to kids. He's letting her badger you

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

Your boyfriend is putting all responsibility on you to placate his daughter. Unless you want that you will have to let both of them go. No, you can’t keep boyfriend without his daughter as a package. Take care of yourself and let their drama be their own. You can be assured that staying with him will only make you at fault for whatever comes next. The ramping up of your anxiety is a symptom of the situation. Put yourself and your needs first now. What you need from a partner is to help make your life better not to add stress to your life.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

She is an adult, but she is also his child, try to remember that (he loves her as you love your own kids) as you find a compromise. I would avoid trying to interfere in their relationship any further though, she will always be his child.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Santa Fe on

How old is the daughter? Is she still a child? You and your boyfriend need to be on the same page and a team...I suggest family counseling for the two of you to have a third party help you figure this out. He and his ex may decide their daughter needs some therapy due to her acting out. She may feel abandoned by her dad and is blaming you. He cannot tolerate her being disrespectful to you. He needs to learn how to handle this kind of thing.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Santa Barbara on

You are smart to block her. She is out of line and has no right to expect YOU to let her move in to YOUR home. You do not need to use your anxiety as an excuse not to house her. You do not want a grown woman in your home, so your 'no' should be respected. Your boyfriend has a right to move out and house his daughter if that is what he feels is best.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I’ve tried to respond a couple of times and it doesn’t seem to work, not sure why. Sorry if you are seeing these and it’s repetitive.

This is a messy situation and it would be best to distance yourself from it, and take care of yourself with a good and supportive counselor.

But, on the chance that you decide to stay with your boyfriend, I want to address a couple of things. This girl is 23, an adult, and he is not helping her to become a functioning adult. I think if you are with him, you can completely cut her off, but you can set limits on what you will and won’t accept. I would let her know that you understand her anger, if she sees you as a barrier to her relationship with her dad, but she is directing her anger at the wrong person. Don’t respond to her drama. If she is nasty, just ignore her or send a neutral text back, like “let me know if you want to talk in a respectful fashion.” Someone needs to call this young woman on her inappropriate behavior and expect her to behave better, but I would keep her parents out of it because she is an adult, and they are no longer responsible for her behavior. She is.

As for her father, he is the real issue here. He wants you to let her move in? Why? Is she unsafe where she is? Is she working, in school? Is he worried about her? If she’s unsafe then why doesn’t he move with her? That way, he can help her set some goals for herself so she can become independent, and leave you out of the drama. Or, if you don't want him to move out, it’s fine to keep saying “no” about his daughter to him, but I think you might get through to him more if you tell him exactly what he would need to do for you to be able to say “yes”. Think about what you would want to see and then have him prove to you that he is capable…..for example, I would have him establish some rules with his daughter, what she needs to do, like get a job, behave with respect, get counseling, etc., and then see if she can do it. I would want to see changes over a certain period, like 3 months, before I’d even entertain the idea. I’m not saying you have to let her move in, I’m just saying put the burden of whether she does or not on her and on him, where it belongs. I don’t think they can do these things, but if they do, that would be great, right? And my guess is then you wouldn’t mind her living with you for a limited period?

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