Rearing Only Child....

I am a single mom with one child. It was and still is one of the hardes thing for my sone. He had a slow start in life and he begain to have probles at school around the forth grade. Others started to poke fun because he had no father. So he started fighting.

Now I hope you understand every situation is different and evrey child is different.

My son would always ask me when Was He Going to have a brother or a sisiter,

If I had a choice I would off have more then one child.

I am an only child and am thinking that my child may be the only one as well. It's not lonely at all. Kids that have siblings can be withdrawn and lonely too. It more about the environments that they are a part of and being able to keep themselves busy. My cousin and II were very close and that was good enough for me;)

I am an only child and I don't feel deprived. My argument to my parents was "my kids will never have any cousins." She always said "Marry someone with a lot of brothers and sisters." I did! My husband is one of 5 and all they do every holiday is scream and fight. They rarely talk.

I feel that I am assertive and know how to fend for myself. I don't need someone to keep me busy and never have. I have a lot of close friends that I consider my sisters. People have this preconceived notion that all only children are spoiled brats. All of the only children I know are quite normal actually.

As I age, the only concern I have about being an only child is that when my parents die, I will have to do things on my own and I will be alone. My husband and children will be there, but I won't have anyone who was with me from the start. I know that my friends and husband will help me through. Otherwise, I enjoyed being an only child.

Jessica -

My daughter is going to be 6, and her dad & I separated when she was 2. I struggled a lot with this question & sometimes still do. My ex-husband remarried & my daughter has a step sister now, which made me feel even worse, because he could give her this "picture perfect" family and at our house, it was still just the 2 of us.

I tell you though... my relationship with her is different than her relationship with her dad, and we both love it. It's been "you and me, kid" from the start, and because of it, I've been not only able to be her parent, we're also pals. We have our inside jokes & our special rituals - stuff that she wouldn't have the luxury of doing in a more "conventional" family. Example, Friday nights are pizza and movies in Mom's bed night. We put on our jammies early & order a pizza and veg out all evening long. We steal away for overnight stays at local hotels just so we can use their indoor pool & order room service. I sometimes wake her up in the middle of the night (weekends of course) to go get pancakes. We are a team, a pair, partners in crime, if you will.

As far as being lonely? Find playgroups for him to join. Introduce yourself to people at your church, his preschool, even at the play area at the mall if you are feeling brave. Take him to the library for reading hour or to Creative Kidstuff on Saturdays when they have free crafts. There are a few churches that offer free babysitting on Saturday nights, that would give you a chance to get him out playing with kids & perhaps an opportunity to meet other parents.

If you take on the "It's you and me, kid" attitude with him, I bet you will have a GREAT relationship with him, and you will have all kinds of fun memories.

Single parenting is not for the faint of heart. I"m getting married soon, to someone whose kids live across the country, and we have no intention of having any more. My daughter is destined to continue being an only child in our home. I do still worry about things, like what will happen when I die & she has no siblings to lean on, but I can't change that... what I CAN do is make the very most of what I have, which is a GREAT kid and the opportunity to focus my attention completely on her.

Hope this helps,

xtina

If you have family and friends around maybe he could spend time with them.Maybe start thinking about preschool.
And you never know when you'll meet mister right and have more babies.You seem to have it all together and a promising
future.Don't give up. I wish you luck and GOD BLESS.

I don't know how it would be to raise an only child from the parents point of view (I have two children) but I do know what it's like being an only child since I was one. My mom and dad only had me and they divorced when I was about 7 years old. From personal experience I think there is nothing wrong with being an only child and I don't think only children are any different in the sense from those with siblings. You do miss out on having the brother/sister bond but you do always have your parents and your friends (which become as good as a brother or sister), I made a friend in the sixth grade that became a "sister" to me, we hung out, talked each other through problems, etc. and I still talk to her to this day. It is lonelier being an only child but like I said friends can fill that gap and you do, in my opinion, get a stronger bond with your parents and I really enjoyed that, I was and always have been really close to my mom (that is who I lived with) there's nothing that could break that bond and it's really nice. I hope this helps but if you have any other questions don't hesitate to ask. Good luck!! =)

Our son, who will be four in February, is an only child. I've read books from the public library about raising an only and found them helpful- that may help you too. Both my husband and I agree that one is just right for us. Like any situation, there are costs and benefits to being an only.

Here's what I've read and taken away on the subject:

1. Onlys need socialization and playdates. As he grows, he'll benefit from close friendships not just with a peer, but your being close with another family. Particularly helpful is close relationships with out 'only' families. Try and create sibling-like experiences, sleepovers, take his friend on vacation with you, etc. I read this is particularly helpful for holidays when families tend to turn inward.

2. Without sibs, Cruise gets all our parenting attention- good and bad. I'm guesing there are times he feels like a specimen under a microscope- as we are able to focus entirley on him. I know this is common with first children and when there's no sib to demand you divide your attention... So, I try hard not hop on every little misstep. On the bright side I know he relishes our undivided attention during all the fun stuff and is having a great time.

3. All personalities are different, Cruise has always been great at sharing with other kids- lucky us, but I've had to work at developing his independent play. I started this around 18 months and just kept at it, daily insisting he 'find something to do'. Now he's very good at it. Onlys will spend more time alone than with sibs so it's important they learn to entertain themselves and enjoy their own company- again, helpful life skill here for later in life.

What else...

4. There's a terrific section in a child rearing book called, "Your Baby and Child" by Penelope Leach, about the whole "Does only make lonely" issue (they say no). I found it sensible, well-researched and extremely reassuring. It doesn't stop with saying, "they won't be worse off" but add "they are likely better off in these ways". Check it out if you haven't.

5. A sib doesn't guarentee a bond. Some sibs don't like each other and never really do (you may know some yourself). Just different personalities or family dynamics that never get out of the way. The truth is, a sib can be a short term or even lifelong irritant more than a comfort. This fact is an uncomfortable reality it seems few people want to admit, even to themselves.

5. When we were sure of our decision to have one, I grieved my son's lack siblings (we both have them) and the possible extra burden of having to care/ worry about aging parents with no sibs to spread it around. I still grieve about these things and probably I always will. But that grief is smaller than our contentment, that we did what's right for us.

We know our limits for the amount of emotional, intellectual and financial support we can provide offer and feel great that we have created a pretty great environment for our one child.

I grew up an only child, and while I sometimes think I missed out on things not having siblings, for the most part it was just fine and it is part of who I am. I always had plenty of friends and I also had extremely close relationships with adult family members such as my mother and my grandparents. To this day I am very comfortable being alone and have no problems entertaining myself. Don't get me wrong...I'm very sociable but I cherish my alone time (as most moms do). I also think being an only child has made me a very independent person.

I think as long as your son shows no trouble making friends and you give him plenty of opportunity for socializing he will be just fine. As a mother, enjoy the extra attention you are able to give him because you have the ability to have a very special relationship with him.

My son is 4 1/2 and will be our only child. Although my husband and I are not divorced, by no means are we resolved from thinking about our son not having siblings. We were unable to have more, but feel very fortunate to have our son.

Anyway, my best advice is to spend quality time, be firm on your discipline and stick to it. Make play dates and be active in his life, just like you would be if you had more children or weren't divorced. I am not a single parent so will not say I know what it is like, but I'm sure you work very hard and there are not enough minutes in the day. If possible, open your home to a weekly play group, let your son (as he gets older) know that his friends are welcome at your house. And if you have family support, let him spend time with them when he can.

I am guessing because you are on this site and brave enough to ask the question, that your are already a loving, concerned parent. Trust your judgement and love for your son and it will all work out.

You know, I am in the same boat. My daughter is 7 though. But occasionally, she will ask if she is ever going to have a brother or sister. Well, her dad passes away 3 years ago last Christmas. I have no plans to have anymore kids but have 2 older brothers myself and enjoy our bond and am sometimes concerned that my daughter may miss out. On a positive note, he will adjust as an only child, my daughter plays great by herself but, also plays well with her cousin who is 2 years younger than her. I tend to spend a lot of time doing things with my daughter like arts and crafts or just sitting down and reading a book. There is always play areas for kids too where he can interact with other kids. My mother was an only child and she grew up to be the most beautiful and selfless person I know. I don't think you have anything to be concerned about as long as you always let him know how precious he is.
GOOD LUCK to you and god bless.

H. .S.

J.,
my sons were 2 years apart, and no problem, they were great friends. Now, my daughter was born 6-8 years apart from her brothers, and although she had some great company of playing with her elder brothers, something was still missing. So, my house was usually full of neighborhood kids. My girl is very-very-very socializing person (17 now), and she desperately needed some friends around. Very often, ever since she was 5, some of the neighbor-girls stayed in my house overnight, and I allowed my girl to stay overnight in two families also, as I knew they were very good people. This is how I solved the problem. Even now, I see my girl WITH somebody around much more than her alone. Either her friend (girl) stays in our home, or she sleeps in another family (again, I do know the place where she is, and I check on her, once in-a-while, so that she does not know I'm checking whether she is where she told me she is, but she never lied to me, so all is well - I keep an eye on events, but i make sure she is happy, not lonely in her teenager's life, also.
I would suggest you to make friends with the FAMILIES of the kids of your son's age, and let the kids be together often. They really need to learn how to share and live in the society, you are very right.
Also, my own personal experience was pretty unique, as i have a brother who is 3 years elder than myself, but we lived apart, and then together again, due to the fact that my parents moved around, and from time to time, me as the youngest, I was left to my grandma's care. We are still great friends, me and my brother, but when I was not around in our childhood, then my brother missed me, and if given some chocolate, he divided all the sweets in half, ate half, and kept another half on the shelf, for his little sister (me). Nobody forced him to share, it was very strange, as sometimes we did not meet for a year, but it got stuck with him for a lifetime: share, be nice to others, and care! this is what sometimes does not happen to 'single' kids, and it really needs to be taken care of consciously, by the adult who is raising him/her.
Good question. I wish you both all the very best!!! M.

This is a good concern. I think that all single mothers with one child has this same concern. I know I did when I was a single mom for 3 1/2 years. But I think that if you stay involved in his life, spend alot of time with other mothers with children that he will be ok. Give him opportunities to be around alot of children so he can have alot of friends. My best friend growing up was an only child, she had TONS of friends and to this day, being an only child never bothered her because she was close with the family that she had and her friends were close and also her family. I don't think being an only child is going to affect his life, he will be ok. Just make sure that you love him and are always there for him and let him spend as much time with the people that he likes as possible.

I have 7 kids, but have known many only children, I think both sides have pros and cons, I worry about enough time for each individual child, If they are feeling gipped when they can't have something they want (not that they are hurting). Those kinds of questions, your child is only two there is still a possibility that you might have more, Look at it this way, you have a child who has moms undivided attention, what child doesn't like that? I think so long as he is involved with other children then things will work themselves out, sometimes friends are just as good as family.

I'm and adult only child and I feel there are things I missed but there are things I've learned to do that I doubt a child with siblings would have learned. Get online and pull up only child or children I think you'll be surprised as what you read and learn and it will help you out alot.

Well - I grew up in a family with 2 brothers... and we pretty much all hated each other. To this day, we really don't talk - no matter what the myths are, kids don't always like each other!

My son is an only child, and seems to have no issues.

One thing I have done is that I have always employed teenage boys as babysitters. That way, he gets the boy time that I am just not going to give him.

Good luck!

Hi, Jessica~

We are also raising an only child because I was not able to have anymore. Honestly, it has pulled on my heartstrings for many years. But it was difficult in the early years because I was a busy mom and my daughter's only source of entertainment. Does your son attend daycare at all? I stayed at home with my daughter and once or twice per week I would take her to this new daycare facility down the street and let her interact with the other children there. I also set up playdates with other children from the neighborhood as well as taking her to the park once or twice per week to play on the swings with other kids. We put her in preschool when she was 4 and she really enjoyed that. Yes, I would say she got a lot of interaction with other children but there were just no children at home to help her learn the lessons of sharing and all that the comes with having siblings. She has cousins that would come and stay with us overnight or more but really she is an only child, bossy and hard headed. But she is sweet. I guess all I can tell you above and beyond all this is that you are still in charge of how this little person grows up. Your son can still grow up being a happy will adjusted child.

Wow, I love Chirstina's Story, I thought I was reading about me for a bit.
I'm a single mom of a 12 year old ADHD son. I've never been married, and my sons father abandon us when he ws 8 months old, so yes, its been quite the andveture for us and as Chirstina said, Single parenting is not for the faint of heart. My son and I do what we call "Friday Fun-day" every friday, either he or I ask "Whats Today?" The other shouts "Its Friday Fun-day!!" and we too watch movies and eat Pizza.
It does break my heart to think that most likely (and hopefully) my son out lives me, and he will have nobody, I'm still torn.
My son and I did move in with a great man about 2 1/2 years ago, things are great, he now has a father figure, (and a good one) and we (my BF and I) decided to try to have one together, that was over a year ago, Its scarry to try for #2 with such a big gap, but Its always been scarry to think of having another child, I think something happens to women who raise children on there own and its not an easy decision to just decide to "Have More".
But I do want to give my son somebody, I also want to have a family, the 3 of us are a family but I also want to experience rasing a child with someone instead of alone, and I want to give that gift of a child to my partner. But I've been Tested and DB has been tested and we are not able to have children together with out assistance, which is something he doesnt believe in. So having more children is probably not in our future, I have to learn (again) to deal with my son growing up and old with no sibilings (I've even thought about adopting an older child). So I relate to your feelings, but I guess people do it all the time, I know many "Only Child" people that are doing great, and thank God for Friends, there are no guarantee's in life, but as long as there are people in the world, we dont need to be alone, so I suggest play groups, church, boy scouts, sport teams, and for your self too. Show your son how to reach out to the resources we have around us, teach him how not to be a loner.
It actually sounds like your doing a good job, he's social, something my son struggled with for a while but is doing well now. He has lots of friends, they go skating together, have "night game" parties together (where a bunch of kids in the neighborhood play ghost in the grave yard and stuff).
Who knows, Your son is still quite young, you may meet some amazing guy and want to have more children.

I wished my words were magic and could bring you peace, but they really dont even bring me total peace, I still wished he had somebody (or a couple somebodies) But we'll be OK.

Hi Jessica, I am an only child (now 32 with a 3 year-old son, and wrestling with those same questions). But what I can tell you from my own experience as a child is this: Only children have an opportunity to learn to be as or more independent, creative, assertive and self-sufficient than children with siblings if given the appropriate environment and guidance. My parents did not constantly entertain me, and I did not feel deprived by this, but rather found ways to entertain myself (often quite imaginatively). This has served me well throughout adulthood, as I am not dependent on others for my entertainment. I often sought out friends who had siblings, and remember observing how they interacted (often feeling glad I was an "only"). As an only child, my life was what it was, and I did not feel lonely or deprived. I was more apt to go out and make friends, since I didn't have "built-in playmates" at home. I would give your son (who sounds like he's already developing good social skills) plenty of opportunities to play with other children, but also realize that children need some time to play by themselves. Also keep this in mind: you have all of your resources to devote to your son. He will benefit from your time and attention, and the experiences you have together. Good luck!

We have an only son who is now 13. We had him at age 36 after being married almost 18, we waiting, didn't take long. Tried for a year when he was older but it just didn't happen so we just never got around to having another one. There was a few years where he wanted a sibling. Most of the time he is quite happy being an only child. He is very social and is often on the phone or instant messenger or having a sleep over. For 4 weeks for two summers we had an exchange student his age. Just be prepared to be having lots of friends over and realize at times you will be your child's "playmate". The relationship with onlys is at times almost more sibling like than parentlike. You are always the parent. My son, is confident, happy social and yes he did figure out how to share.
Blessings,
S.
http://www.YesToSuccess.net/S.
Creating Health and Wealth one family at a time

I think that he will be just fine. My daughter is an only child and has been for 4 years, I think the only thing that she hates is not having someone to play with. I have been setting her play dates with some of her little friends and she loves it. I also try to do little things with her to keep her busy like make necklaces, color, or read books. It has been fun for me as well becuase it is our time together. Don't be worried he will be just fine.. and you never know you may get married again and have more children.

Hi,

My son Rhys is 10, and for 8 years of his life, he was an only child, and I loved it. The relationship that he and I shared was different then the ones my friends had with their multiple children. I loved that he and I were able to get up and go and it was just us.

I did worry every once in awhile that he would get lonely with out other kids around. We joined play groups with children of the same age. We made a lot of really good friends that way, both of us. I know there are even groups specifically for single parents. Something like that ,might be good for both of you.

I have a 23 month old and a 5 month old, and we still do play groups. Now, we actually host them at our house!!

Hope you guys find something!

Take Care,
J.

I know my son wishes he had someone to play with more often than he does, and did ask for a big brother for Christmas. I too am a single mom, and- there will be no more kids from this mommy! He plays at Kids club before and after school. I have him in basketball throught the Y- so we practice 2 nights a week and games on Saturday, We attend church- most times- so he has kids on Sunday, and many times I let him have a friend over on the weekend, or have my niece and nephew stay over. Another thing he finds fun- I use babysitters as a reward for him. If he is good all week, I will hire a sitter and it works both ways- I get out for awhile and he has someone who will give him undivided attention for a couple hours. he loves it, and I normally let him choose which sitter he wants. I don't get to do this every week due to the cost, but once a month or so. Also, I swap sitting with another single mom. That gives the boys someone to challenge them on video games a couple times a week. If you really feel the need- I think all the malls have play areas, you child is young enough you can go hang there for an hour or so to give him interaction time- and the park in the spring.
Yes my son gets bored from time to time, but I think if I had 10 kids I would still hear that.
Good luck!S.

Jessica,

My question to you is does he have close friends and do you have close friends? If you have a loving home and you are modeling good social skills in his presence, then he should be able to emulate you. I am a single mother with a 13 year old son. I make sure we find time to have one on one time with him. He has the ability to tell me anything and know I won't get mad at him. We talk about what ever the subject he brings up openly and honestly. I think if we give our children a good foundation, and model responsively they will do well.

I worry about that all the time. I am the mother of a 18 month old little girl. Her father and I never married, for various reasons. The advantage I have is that he has children from a previous marriage, the problem is he never puts in the effort to get them together. They are 9 and 10 and because of the age difference, she gets left out of most family events.
I have to work (obviously), and I actually had a lot of apprehension about daycare. It has become quite a positive experience however. She gets to interact with many other children and she is very comfortable with adults and children. Even if you took your son to daycare a couple of times a week, it might be a good way to get him socialized.
I also have a couple of friends from work that have children my daughters age. We are going to start doing play dates....for the kids and for us. I have also heard of community classes that parents and children can do together. We were all going to look at scheduling those together.
The last thing I might suggest is that if you have any other children in your family to plan play dates with. I have a 2 1/2 yr old nephew that I try to get her around as much as possible.
The main thing I have realized is that we as parents do the best we can and make the best of what we have been given. Even though we both find ourselves in situations that we wouldn't find optimal, the fact that we think of and put our children first makes us the best mothers we can be. Always look for ways to be creative and encourage your son to interact.
Let me know if I can offer any more support or advice, or if you have any to offer yourself.

Thanks,
A.

I don't know what you are so worried about. I myself am an only child, with divorced parents. I lead a "normal" life and didn't have any problems growing up. There are tons of one child families out there that are better off than the several children families. Just cherish your son and everything will be fine.

A little about me:

I am a working mother of two: Aidan 3 1/2 and Addyson 11 months. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 5 1/2 years.

Hi Jessica

Well I was an only child and my husband is an only child. I really think it depends on how you were brought up. If you are letting your child interact with other chilidren and find play dates etc he will know how to share and see what other kids do. When I had my first daughter I did have those same concerns because of how I was brought up. I didnt have a mom who played or introduced me to other kids, so my imagination was a great thing and I played allot outside. It was differnt decade when I was little.
So anyways I had my kids 4yrs apart and they do great. But I'm sure your son is in the right hands as you being a great mother. :0)

T. H.

I was an only child and yes I was very lonely most of the time.

Hi! We have a lot of similarities in our stories. My daughter is 3 1/2, I am a single mom, full-time graduate student, and also have private clients on the side. I feel that Sophie is really well adjusted. She goes to an amazing daycare/preschool where she has great social interaction with kids her age. I also started her in a dance class this past fall. I have wondered about her not having a sibling, but then we talk about families. She has 4 boy cousins (and another one on the way). She has a close relationship with her grandparents (even though they live 6 hrs away). When it's possible, we have play dates with friends, and (here's something funny), our cat "Ah-choo) she calls her brother! They play together, follow the leader, hide & seek, chasing each other...they really are good friends. I hope to find the right man to marry and have more children with in the future, but until then...Sophia & I are doing just fine! She is well adjusted, happy, intelligent, and the only problem is that she wants mommy to play all the time and when I have to study, it makes it hard...other than that...we do just fine! I know your son will be fine...just make sure he has peers to play with and talk about his "whole" family...

Blessings,
N.

As the product of divorced parents AND an only child let me assure you that your son is not disadvantaged by not having siblings. In fact I think it made me a more social person. While there were the occasional rainy days that I had to stay inside and play with my mom, I was a VERY outgoing child and now an outgoing adult. That was my only choice...either be good at talking to others or not play with anyone. It sounds like your son has chosen to be social. I am sure that your child will adapt and turn out just fine. And they will meet lots and lots of friends along the way.

I am an only child myself and people are always shocked when I tell them. I am not sure why, other than I guess people think only children grow up to be weird somehow. I grew up fine, of course I always wanted a brother or sister, but I was always involved at school and had many good friends. If you are not able to get remarried and have more children, just help your son get involved. Try not to spoil him too much, let him find happiness through service...that is what my mom did. Stay close to him, and help him understand the importance of good friends...these will be the people he looks up to without siblings. I don't think being an only child makes anyone weird, I think if a child is too spoiled or doesn't learn good social skills then thay are more likely to become problem children.

As long as your son knows he is loved by both your and your ex-husband, not because of a lot of material things but because you spend time with him, he should be fine.

From an only child,
N.

I have siblings, but they only lived with me when I was quite young. Most of my life it was just me and my mom. I've found that I'm much better at keeping myself entertained than my friends are, and so I'm also not as reliant on others. Any kind of companionship I needed I got from friends. And my mom and I are very close, even though she did and still does drive me crazy sometimes. I wouldn't worry about it, there are lots of happy and healthy only children out there.