Really? You Think Men NEED SEX?

Updated on June 20, 2011
S.X. asks from Libertyville, IL
24 answers

i found it amusing in my last post about my husband making public comment on my web page how he liked another womans breasts, that other women would state its my fault because i'm not having sex with him enough. first of all. MY sexual appetite is way larger than his, and what he wants is boring quiet quick sex, and expects me to pursue him all the time. we've talked about it. he said knowing this makes him go further away. so then still. no pursueing. .

so sorry. you have that wrong.
to think that men need sex otherwise they will stray is missing 2 points
1. women need sex too
2. you are assuming that its me that won't 'give in'

marriage is a partnership and is just that
to assume that a man is powerless over his sexual urges is truely disrespetful to your husband
gimmie a break.
i don't think men are THAT stupid.

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So What Happened?

thanks for all your comments. i actually had a long candid talk w/my hubby and feel much better.
To let you all know: the picture was NOT of nakid women. it was of he and I holding hands. He just remembered (from 5 yrs ago) and posted the nipple comment. it was totally out of nowhere.

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answers from Chicago on

Ok, well ... I need it just as much as my man may need it and there are times where he "needs" it more or vice versa ... you just have to work thru it when you are not on the same page! And I am sorry but what man does not like perky 19yr old boobs ... I would think something was wrong with him had he NOT commented about it one way or another.

3 moms found this helpful

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answers from Kansas City on

Why are you still married?? You sound miserable in your marriage!

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Depends entirely on the man. I've been watching, with fascination, boys and girls, men and women, and the 'mating game' for six decades.

Some men are that stupid. Some are sex addicts. Some men are highly principled/disciplined, or simply don't need sex. Most are somewhere along that continuum.

Some men (and some women) are at least occasionally clueless about how their candid comments can startle, upset, or undermine others. I have a feeling that your husband occasionally has those moments, probably thinking he's being amusing.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Williamsport on

Myth. Humans need sex. And in all different degrees based on their individual genetics. "Need" does not excuse bad behavior with any of life's vices. Any argument you could make about how any one person NEEDED something so bad being the reason they messed up could be applied to EVERY HUMAN on the planet, including neglected wives, but oh woopsy, SOME people are able to overcome their impulses-even NEEDS for the greater good while others play the "need" card.

As for the rude boob comment;

He wasn't needing sex or having sex, he was making a rude comment based on lack of conscience and morals in comparison with yours. Sure, all men like 19 year old boobies, but classy ones don't click "like" about it like teens.

People implying men cheat because wives don't put out enough are fowl unless they are perfectly willing to assert wives are entitled to cheat if they have un-romantic husbands.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Reno on

I'm sorry you felt belittled and challenged. It's one of the dangers of communicating only in print, and usually with people that we don't know.

It makes me crazy when people say that about cheating spouses, too. "Well, if his/her wife/husband would have been more attentive (or available, or enthusiastic, or attractive, or whatever) then he/she wouldn't have cheated." WRONG. People cheat because they feel entitled. "I deserve this because..." They want novelty, or "forbidden fruit," or an ego boost, or the feeling they had during courtship (that we all should realize is a chemical reaction that doesn't last forever).

Finding someone attractive is not cheating, though, or even wanting to cheat. Many, many men, women and children are beautiful to look at, and we shouldn't feel that it's shameful to notice. When you notice someone of the same gender or a child who's lovely, you're noticing the same way you would notice a sunset, NOT in a way that says, "Gee, I want to have sex with that person." Noticing that someone of the opposite gender is attractive can and should be the same way.

I don't think men (or women) are that stupid, either. :)

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

HA! Sorry, I am totally not in the loop with your other post or its answers, but rofl when woman say your man will stray/act stupid/be less than a man because YOU aren't fulfilling his sexual appetite!

Well I suppose, since it's 2011, that if he isn't giving you what you want in the bedroom you get to go grab the glutes of any hot guy you like.

You know, since you are powerless to your sexual urges.

Gimmie a break. Don't listen to those woman. Sorry if you get offended, other ladies of the board, but IMO your credibility is shot if you adherer to this school of thought. That sort of talk is dangerously close to the argument blame-the-victim screamers shout. Men can't help it, if they see skin over the knee or above the elbow they HAVE TO HAVE SEX. How stupid.

I would also like to add, after reading some replies, that even IF you ARE giving him 'all he wants, needs and dreams of' in the bedroom, that has little bearing on whether he will cheat or not. How many celebrity men married to super-models do we need to see cheating before we let go of this 'Keep him happy, Keep him home' idea?!

If he loves you and wants to be monogamous, he will. If not, there isn't a cherry in your sherry you can do about it.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I just have to say I am tired of people blaming the woman for the man's choice. If he cheated, it is because he wanted to. NOT because the woman didn't have sex with him or made him do it. I am tired of people giving guys all the power and letting them get away with this! NO one can MAKE you cheat on your wife. Its a personal decision and the man alone is responsible for making that decision. It is exactly the same for a woman--if she chooses to cheat, its on her. NO one else is responsible for her behavior.

I am sorry that people felt you weren't doing your duty as a wife. I agree with you, it goes both ways. Marriage is a partnership and it is based on love and trust. If you don't have that, you won't be able to have a good lasting relationship. I hope that you are able to work things out with your hubby.


6 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

As I said before, why are you with this man? You have stated that don't find him attractive. It sounds like you don't really respect him as a person, and you seem to feel that he doesn't respect you either. I just don't see much of a partnership in that.
And why is it so important to for you to try to get us to agree with you re your personal opinions on sex?
If you care at all about your marriage I think you should spend less time on this site arguing with us and more time with your husband. Just sayin'.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Santa Barbara on

Just for clarification, in your earlier post you said "Frankly it's hard for me to be attracted to him". I think this is where you were vague and caused confusion about you not wanting to "give in".

Facebook photos prompt comments, especially if there are nude women on it. That probably should be taken down.

Yes, you are right women need sex too and I feel that intimacy is very important in a relationship.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

I agree - men don't need sex, they desire it. Very different level of 'needs'. Even if one partner has a much higher sex drive, that doesn't excuse oogling, gaping, jeering, commenting or pursuing other partners or people.

Men should be held to the same standards of self control and will power as women are.

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answers from St. Louis on

OK, I had to go back and read your other posts. I didnt read your responses. Your husband is very disrespectful. I think, by nature, men think about sex more than women do, whether they act on it is a different story. Im not really sure.
I am not going to be so naive to say my husband doesnt ever talk about other women, with this friends or coworkers, whatever. Im sure hes made stupid pig comments before, BUT he knows better than to do it around me. I cant stand when men sit around there wives and talk about other women and make their wives look stupid. My husband knows thats not me, I wont sit there and be made a fool of. I deserve respect, and he gives that to me.

Im hating to say this, but your husband does some pretty sneaky things. Stuff that would worry be tremendously. Do you think something is going on?

You deserve more respect. The trust is not there and thats his fault.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Dear S.,

I think intimacy is for the "mutual" pleasure of both husband and wife. Comparing this post to your last you have clearly provided MORE information about yourself and your husband. Had this been in your first post I suspect you would have received many different opinions, answers and suggestions.

Man or woman, as far as NEEDING and WANTING many things there is a big difference. I don't need chocolate but I want some from time to time. When I do have chocolate I want mine from the nice person at SEE's candy or Godiva, who actually seem to be glad that I'm there; instead the angry, disgruntled, "hate my job" person at the local mini-mart whose chocolate can't compare to SEE's or Godiva.

In "your words", you describe your man as "boring in bed" and he expects you to be the pursuer "all the time" and you have let him and now, the MAMAs know you think he's boring and too quick in bed. I think you have some anger issues not only with your husband, but now with the MAMA's who did not tell you what you wanted to hear. For my part, I didn't mean to make you angry or amused, I was trying to be honest and helpful and didn't have all the info about your feelings regarding sex.

I still maintain that it is the man that's "usually" the one to stray from a marriage and the reason for that does not always have to be because of sex. If someone is truly unhappy day after day, dreading going home after work because they never know what's going to happen, not happen or be said; eventually they will leave or find comfort with "something or someone else".

As far as men be "stupid" when it comes to SEX....Have your read the papers lately? Some of the, "so called", smartest men seem to lose their minds when it comes to the pleasure of "their little buddy".


3 moms found this helpful


answers from Joplin on

Your post made me "LOL" in my relationship I am the one who "needs sex" but it is more than sex it is intimacy as well. We have grown so far apart and are so rushed in our day to day lives that there is little to no time when one or both of us is not so exhausted that it just has fallen to the way side. ( Our opposite schedules and kid situation don't help either!)
But any woman who says that a man acting like a pig is a reasonable response to not getting enough sex is ridiculous in my opinion...what are we living in? The 1950's???

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

It is my opinion that sex is a VITAL component to a marriage.

I think EVERYONE needs sex...not just funky gorilla sex but tender loving sex...we all need and crave the human touch....we hold our infants, we cuddle our toddlers, we hug our young ones and's human touch....

Men who stray? It's not a one-way street....women stray too....because they aren't getting what they want at home.. but that is not always the ex-husband got it whenever and wherever he wanted...he just felt that he was entitled to a variety of sexual partners....

basically - you and I agree - it's NOT your fault. You should NOT have to be the pursuer for sex all the time. If your husband wants missionary position (boring sex) all the time - tell him he needs to spice it up...if he can't do that - is he gay?! (LOL!!) SMILES!!!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Baton Rouge on

A need is something that you will die if you don't have it - food is a need.
A want is something that you enjoy, but isn't necessary in order for your continued existence. Sex is a want.
No one NEEDS sex, but some people WANT it more often or more intensely than others.

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answers from Provo on

Yes everyone NEEDS sex, but you know what it isn't a hard wired thing into our brains.
You may have a higher sex drive then him, but if you aren't giving him any because you don't like it with him, then he's going to look at other women breasts. If you have such a high sex drive you would take what you could get from him. So go jump on that horse and make both of yourselves happy and unwind. From both of your posts, it most definatly seems like you could use some sex.

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answers from New York on

I found your original post very interesting, S. X!

I also felt that, while I was in some disagreement with you, some comments back were rather harsh and judgmental, as is sometimes the case on Mamasource/Mamapedia. Quite a few traditionalists out there! And, oh, I suppose "feminist" is still a trigger word for many.

And it made me wonder, why are we women (and man, lol Skidsdad) that way? Why do we feel we need to insult other women for not doing our jobs "right" as wives and mothers? Who the heck knows what is the "right" way to be a wife and mother anyways? Can't we all choose to define that for ourselves? Again, the amazing power of CHOICE, and knowing that we all have one.

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answers from Norfolk on

As a general rule, I do believe that men have a physiological need for sex that women don't quite.... There is a certain something, say an air of tension, that lifts after a decent romp.... my husband describes it as static. Like white noise in the back of his head that is always buzzing, until after a "release." I don't discount the therapeutic value of some sex.

Let's look at it like food. Everyone needs food, I think we can agree. Some people take this need and turn it into excess and wind up with weight and assorted other health issues. Some people have hangups that preclude their ability to healthfully sustain themselves and can wind up malnourished. Based on my own analogy, your husband's hangups is making him unable to sustain himself or your relationship with the nourishment of some physical intimacy. He needs help, or your relationship will waste away to nothing.

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answers from Houston on

i know for a fact they dont NEED it. I have two brothers, One was religiously celibate for 5 years, the other has been awkwardly celibate for 13 years.

I agree that your last post was misleading because you made it sound like you wanted nothing to do with your husband....sexually. This would lead people to assume you never had sex with him.

I think that if i were denied sex i would probably be drooling over pictures of half naked men, i might even say something "tongue in cheek". I think this was the line of thinking, empathetically so, we were all having.

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answers from Chicago on

Wooohoooo! Preach on! I totally agree!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

I agree with you! With my ex, I had a MUCH larger desire most of the time then him. It's not that he didn't want it, or that he didn't want it to be good and interesting, but I was always wanting it more. I blame how we're socialized with this belief that women are not supposed to be sexual beings and are supposed to be "pure" and "virginal" and men are supposed to be like animals looking for their next person to prey on. It's stupid.

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answers from Dallas on

I totally agree with you that it's wrong for men to stray for that reason.

I think it was how you wrote it that made it sound like you weren't attracted to him and you also mentioned you didn't have a very active relationship that way, so it might be why ladies felt like you weren't interested. I didn't' say anything about that, but that's what came to my mind too when I read it (that you had less interest than him when it came to that).

Women do need sex too, but it's not the same as the majority of men. It's pretty provable that men have a higher "need" for it. I think it's the testosterone hormone. It doesn't mean women aren't interested, it's just that men are interested easier and faster typically (though, your husband does sound different than what is typical). While I'm all for equal rights, it doesn't overpower the fact that there are physical differences between men and women.

To keep my man happy and to know he's loved, I do make sure to spend that time with him when he needs/wants. That does mean that at times I'm completely uninterested sexually myself - but I AM interested ALWAYS in wanting him to feel loved, so it's easy for me to be interested that way. I like to make him feel loved (and we are reasonable with when we do this! He doesn't expect anything crazy from me, but he is well taken care of that way). I also always want him interested in me and only me, and that's a way I can do that. So...perhaps I'm being selfish. hehe. We do have a very happy relationship. He tries his hardest to show me he loves me, and I do the same for him.

I want him to know I love him and I know that's a way I can show that where he'll feel loved ("His Needs, Her Needs" is a really good book that explains all this and well as "Five Languages of Love" which talks about how people interpret love different and you need to figure out how your partner feels love in order to give them that type of love).

I feel loved when my hubby sits and talks with me and listens and we have nice conversations. I like to snuggle and be close too. That makes me feel loved. If he helps me clean and take care of the kids, I feel like he cares and loves me.

If he ignores me or doesn't want to talk, I feel alone and like I'm unimportant to him. Same with most guys and being intimate. I know he feels loved when we are intimate. If he's having a bad day and feels bad about himself, it miraculously flips his day around and he's happy again and feels very loved and connected. It seems to be a fairly common guy thing.

Of course, my hubby feels loved other ways too! He needs snuggle time and me to be considerate of him as well, but he doesn't really have the same need for conversation, so he has to put forth more effort in that area in order to fill my need.

It's just when that "need" isn't met for most men, it often leads them into looking elsewhere. It doesn't mean it's right or okay, though. Back to how I feel loved...if my hubby never talked to me, and I always felt ignored and unimportant to him, I would have a higher chance of looking elsewhere to fill that void I am feeling inside. It would be wrong of me, but it's also not right for my hubby to ignore me, and he would have some responsibility for it. So, the idea is that if you fill each other's needs and love them in ways that keep them feeling full of love, they don't turn anywhere else (those books I mentioned above really are very good books that explain it much better than I am!).

But with your further explanation, it's obvious that we misread what you were meaning in your other post. But that's the explanation of why women were saying what they did. They misunderstood your situation. But even if they hadn't misunderstood, it's not right for the hubby to look elsewhere or say the things that he did! I think they were trying to suggest that a solution to the problem could be to make sure to fill his needs, and in return, he should be working on filling your needs of being loved.

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answers from Jacksonville on

Nope don't think they NEED it. Otherwise when my husband and I were in different states for three months (due to a new job) then wouldn't that mean he would have been messing around, since he wasn't getting it from me? Since I didn't find him in a shriveled up ball I am going to assume he doesn't NEED it. You need air, food, water..things like that. That's what I see a need as. Guess I am weird that way.



answers from Chicago on

Yes, I think men are THAT stupid, because they think with the head between their legs more than on their shoulders. It's nature.

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