Really Feeling like a Jerk of a Mom Lately......

Get him enrolled in preschool at least a few days a week and then maybe you can catch more of a break.

And try just being honest with him. "Mommy is on break. You need to give me X number of minutes alone because I need a break." Set a timer if you have to, let him know he needs to wait until the timer goes off to ask you for anything. Or until you are done putting laundry away or whatever else you are trying to get accomplished. Sometimes my daughter can be the same way and I will just tell her, enough for now - Mommy needs some peace and quiet. If he pouts and stomps away over it, ignore that. Then praise him when he does manage to leave you alone for a little while when you need him to. Tell him thank you for being patient.

But seriously - preschool. Or some kind of kindergarten prep class, if he's slated to start this fall.

I get it. I call my first child "intense". Extremely intelligent and high maintance. He is almost out of college and been gone most of 4 yrs and I am still decompressing from years of raising him! You have to be thinking 2 steps ahead constantly. You have to be firm when you wish you could be gentle. You are not a grouch. You are worn out and I have been there.

For whining, you can't hear him when he whines. It's a given that he will never get what he wants when he whines. You can tell him this but you have to follow through on any threat of disapline every time with a child like this. As soon as the whine comes out of his mouth, you immediately say, well, that settles it, you will never get it.

He has plenty of attention! He needs alone time! He needs to learn to play by himself. He needs a quiet time where he can't come out of his room. He can play with toys but he can't come out of his room. About an hour in the afternoon. It's for his own good and your sanity.

When he wants your attention he can put his hand on your shoulder but he can't interrupt your conversation or he goes to his room. Keep drinks and snacks for the day within his reach. He can have a cup and get his own water. You are not his slave. When you can remember that you are so very worth his respect then you can set limits and stick with them. You are teaching him how to act with his teacher next year, too.

Then there is you. Yes, you need a vacation. You also need time out with friends. You need to go for a walk when your H gets home. You need a date night! This very sweet, intense little boy will sap everything out of you and be left with a shadow of a mom if you let him. It's not that he is bad but on the temperament scale of 1-10 he is an 11. You can't take an 11, 24hours a day. You have the right and responsibility to say no and mean it.
You can put him in his room, anytime you need to. I used to put mine in the crib when he was little because I couldn't take another min, sometimes!
Find a moms group. Talk to others. We all struggle with something but these kids stand on their own!

Keep venting. Find an outlet. Love yourself and take some time for you.

I hear you!!!! I have a very spirited middle child like this (he's actually not my toughest child believe it or not) and he's 5. These exact personality traits come in waves, because he's been consistently disciplined from toddlerhood and he's ALWAYS gotten enough love and attention, it's just his personality and lots of kids have it, so they resurface from time to time. I'm in constant contact with my cousins who each have at least seven kids, and they all have one or two of these per brood.

I also have a 3 (toughest) and 7 (easy) and no daycare budget so they're all with me all the time for every errand. I'm a single parent and I can't have the chaos so to speak.

All kids need love and attention. Some kids need very little discipline. Some kids need lots. These irritating behaviors can be managed, but it takes diligence and the challenges often increase in some ways as kids mature (they're physically stronger, their ability to be angry matures, boys get their testosterone going on...) They also get easier as kids mature (more self-control as a result of the firm foundation you have set)...but it's a balance.

My cousins and I call it "boot camp time" when the behaviors start escalating for these types (and they always do). I actually was just thinking yesterday I need to employ boot camp with my son. He's sliding into interrupting, arguing, repeated questioning when I've answered, constant begging for constant attention. All that. Yup. I've been snapping at him-even doing a little yelling which I NEVER do-because I've been allowing him to carry on too long with stuff to the point of super aggravation before employing discipline. The pattern goes: We'll have stuff handled, he'll be really good for a few months, then little by little, he'll realize I'm giving more warnings than normal and letting things slide, and he'll have new ways to push boundaries with age, and it escalates...and suddenly it's like he's never been disciplined in his life. But he HAS and therefore, when I get back on my game, he gets back on his because the foundation is there.

Boot camp as we've discovered is the magic three days (usually doesn't take that long). It's for the parent every bit as much as the child. It's a three day commitment to nipping the nonsense. Meaning you give the chid a heads up on the behaviors that are getting out of control-whining, interrupting, begging past your warning or answer, talking back, ALL the things that are not allowed (which they already know). You then commit to giving consequences after ONE calm warning. And you follow through. Every time. At five you can do it way later after the fact when necessary and they'll still understand it was for their behavior in public or whatever-so you dont' have to let anything slide. In three days (usually one or even just a consequence or two) when they realize mom's back in charge, they get back in line. Don't tell the child it's for a few days only, let them know it's for always and they'll self-moderate when they realize you mean it. Don't despair. I'll be joining you in boot camp the next few days for my son too and he hasn't needed it in quite a while. (luckily my toughest child is in a really good phase right now at three, but she needs occasional boot camps-unlike my oldest who barely ever needed any discipline) My spirited middle one has been good so long that little by litte I let him slide with too many warnings and no consequence for wrong actions.

Your consequence needs to be consistent and very tough or it won't work...like if he doesn't care about going to his room or losing toys, then obviously sending him to his room and taking toys every time would be pointless-pull out your biggest guns because the whole process will be much shorter that way and you can get back to loving happiness and good behavior.

What happens when he argues back whining "When can I?" What happens when you warn him to stop asking for a million things (urrgh I hate when mine does that) but he keeps doing it? What happens when he manages to jump on and off the furniture despite your warning not to? When he interrupts? etc etc etc?Is there ANY inconsistency or grumbling INSTEAD of disciplining? If you're human, probably so.

Kids WILL do all these things to the extent they get away with and some are much tougher than others. Boot camp!

Are you being a grouch? YUP!!! BECAUSE IT'S HELL to have kids being needy demanding whiny wrecks! The only way I can keep my "cool happy mom" norm is with firm discipline within a loving fun home. That's why you have to gain control of your temper and ACT rather than get miffed. My cousin's husband said it best when she was explaining how their fourth child was on her last frazzled nerves doing something. He reminded her what we all know "Dont even let it get to that point."

This is always good advice.

D.,

Could you please tell us how old your son is, this way we can provide the best age-appropriate advice? I'll check back shortly...

Okay-- almost five. ugh. First, yeah, you probably do need a day off..or three.:)

But I would go with a two-prong approach. First, simple choices/consequences. Second, positive reinforcement for behaviors you like to see.

And there's always ignoring.:)
Let's start with that. Some of what's going on can be ignored. First, you CAN go upstairs to put laundry away. Before you go, remind him "I'm going upstairs; if you need me, you need to come find me." Then, when he hollers and hollers, ignore him. Believe me, D., your son sounds like mine some days and mine is six. They are just so self-absorbed in what they are doing that they call out from wherever, expecting us to come when called. So, instead of responding like a trained pet, I now ignore anything other than "I'm hurt". They *do* eventually come find us if it's important. I promise... :)

I find that choices and consequences work well so long as we keep reminding them and give them some structure. "The couch is not for jumping. You may sit on the couch or you may sit on the floor." or "You must stay off the couch now, or you will need to spend some time in your room/in time out/(wherever works for you)." When my son is being goofy in how he sits at the table, I take his chair away and have him stand for the rest of the meal. Keep the either/or choices simple.

For your son, at this age, you should be able to get on the phone without a lot of fuss, but you have to be proactive about it. I used to schedule some phone calls (the chatty ones with friends) for a time when Kiddo would be either watching a half-hour program OR put on a short dvd. If I was on the phone at other times, I would tell him "I'm on the phone now; it's your job to let me talk and go play. I'll be off in 15 minutes when the timer goes ding." and I used a timer to reinforce that. Several times when he continued to interrupt, I walked away into another room and closed the door, used my body to block him from coming in. And then ignored him. (He knows that the only reasons for interrupting me or bothering us after bedtime is "if you are bleeding, throwing up or dying"... it's extreme, but when they are independent in the bathroom, there's no reason to be hollering at us for attention when we are otherwise engaged.)

If he starts in on your little one, then he needs to go to his room for ten minutes. I'm super clear that if you can't let me do my work, you go to your room. If they share a room and he's not being safe, then you put him in a boring place near you and make him sit quietly. Do not talk to him while you are doing your work. Just "You must sit here because you are not being safe." and no emotional response from you.

I encourage you to have him 'trade jobs' with you whenever possible. What can he do around the house? When he whines at you when you have just sat down, say "great, I'd be happy to get you a snack in five minutes, after you have (taken recycling to the back door/straightened up the shoes by the door/put your toys away... etc.)" If he whines again, just a one-word answer "recycling" or "shoes" or "toys"... repeat it like a mantra. Stay calm. Or if he's in badgering mode, another option is that when he asks the second time, you say "are you asking me again because you think I'll change my mind?" When I have done this with kids, they nearly always say 'yes', and then I reply "I have already told you my answer. I am all done talking about it and I will be happy to talk with you about something else." At this point, I actively ignore the nagging and will only talk with them when they have changed the subject. I am calm when I do this, as if their whining and nagging is nothing more than a gentle breeze blowing through. When we stop responding with strong negative emotions, they realize it's not going to work to continue on; they get bored and move on. Or they don't, and they we remove them to their room, also calmly. OR we can, once again, remove ourselves. More than once as a nanny and as a parent, when the kids were being disrespectful, I have declared coolly "I'm taking a time out now." and walked into the bathroom and closed the door without fanfare. This usually makes a big impression. For parents, giving them no attention for annoying behaviors is often better than negative attention. If we were at a party and someone was annoying us, we'd move away, right? Same idea.

(And to augment My Missions' suggestion, I used to do 'snack boxes' for the kids I nannied for. It was a larger Gladware container with healthy snacks for them to choose from in the fridge: yogurt & a spoon, almonds, baby carrots, cheese sticks, crackers, half a sandwich... "go get your snack box" was pretty common, esp. in houses with multiple children. You eat what's in the snack box, nothing else.)

The endless questions... I answer the first and the rephrasing, and then I ask "what do you think?" If my son answers "I don't know" then I usually say "well, think about what you just asked..." Some people do not agree with this, but I do think that if they are getting their need for attention pretty well met, (not the desire for constant attention, but the *need*) then it is okay to ignore repeated questions. I mean, this is what their peers are going to do at some point...

Is he in preschool, by the way? I don't know your son, but it is helpful for *us* to have the break and for them to learn how to be with others. Peer correction is a wonderful thing...

Lots of positive praise every time he comes to you to ask a question instead of yelling (Thanks for coming to find me...) , when he doesn't interrupt phone calls (Thank you for being quiet/waiting patiently while I was on the phone,...) when you like what he's doing. And one guaranteed game-changer is to give him lots of nonverbal positive attention during times when he is *not* seeking your attention. This is a rub on the back, a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, tousling his hair when you walk by... physical acknowledgment is a very powerful thing. One woman ( a mentor, older mom and preschool teacher) I admire said we should strive for at least 20 of these interactions a day, when our kids are busy doing something *they* enjoy which is not a bother for us. When my son was exhibiting attention-seeking behaviors (via misbehavior) I would load up a pocket with 20 craft/popsicle sticks and then take one out and put it elsewhere every time I gave him that positive nonverbal attention. It DOES work. They feel noticed at the very best time-- when they aren't seeking our approval or bothering anyone-- this is what Mazlov called "being love" or being loved just for being alive, for being who they are.

Be sure, too, that you begin to enforce a 'quiet time' every day. Use a timer and start small, but he needs to have the break and so do you.

By the way, I know this was very, very long and I do apologize for the length. Just know that you have my empathy and commiseration... and that it *does* get better! If he's anything like my son, he will eventually discover Legos and then you will hardly ever see him unless he needs you to pull the pieces apart.:)

I would spend some one on one time with him when he comes home from school, just a little bit. Give him some focus after he's been away. Then say things like, "I need to do x now. Do you want to give me a hand or go play?" If he whines say you do not hear whining and he needs to ask in a normal voice. If he asks you over and over, instead of answering, ask him what HE thinks. When you can, look up information, either in the library or on the computer.

My DD is 4.5 and just today she shoved a drawing in my face and I realized it was because I was working and she was tired of the crafts she was doing. I told her that was rude (because it was) and then we discussed appropriate ways to get my attention. I asked her if she would like a book read and told her if she picked it out, I would finish this email and read it to her. But if she didn't let me finish, there wouldn't be time for a book.

If my DD interrupts she knows she can be put in time out or sent to her room and unless someone is bleeding, her request is void. If I have told her more than once I'm on the phone, then a consequence will follow if I can't continue my call. I did once tell the person, "I'm sorry, my daughter is being rude. I will call you back when I can give you my full attention", and had to deal with DD. I told her she wasted my time so she needed to give me some of hers and put her on the time out rug. When she stopped wailing I said that I was going to make my call again and if she did not interrupt, she would get out of time out faster. If she did, she would be there longer. She wised up. Or there was the time when she bugged me so much I couldn't make the registration for a kid event and gave up. She asked if we were going and I simply said, "No. You did not give me the space I needed to register you. It is now too late and we cannot go." Those events help her learn "oh, so this is what happens..."

Keep trying. Maybe focus on the worst behaviors and praise him when he's good. "Jimmy, thank you for being quiet during my phone call. What was it you needed?"

Or I teach DD to do it herself. She knows what button turns on the TV and I try to keep it on a kid channel. When she "announces" that she needs a straw, I tell her to go pick one out herself. I did have to rein her in when she got out the pancake batter today....

You can also instill "quiet time". Set a timer for 20 minutes or something and say "this is time when we all need to find something quiet to do."

I kind of chuckle b/c my mom says I said "why" eleventybillion times a day from ages 4-5. Somehow she let me live. ;) Maybe to see if I'd have kids "just like you" someday....

One of mine was an attention hound, and consequences and rewards didn't mean much to him. It is exhausting, I know. All I can tell you is try to be mellow about it as much as possible, and don't worry that it means anything is wrong with him.

Give him as much attention as you can, and when you can't, you can't. He will just have to deal with it.

He will grow up to be just fine, and when he's out of the house you will miss it. So try to be patient with him. But take a break when you need it. Preschool is a good idea. Some kids are just more difficult than others.

My son is the same way. I swear he'd make a good attorney already. He has a response for *every* comment made to him. He's determined to know everything, and if he can't he'll keep pushing our buttons. I have to remind him of the rules EVERY day, several times. He seems to think he's entitled to be an adult. SO defiant, yet such a great student away from home. All I can say is be consistent. Don't feel guilty if you tell him you need a mommy time out. Set the timer for fifteen minutes and have him read or draw.

Our boys could be twins. Seriously. They will keep testing our patience. Stay strong and don't let him get the best of you. Remember that he's a good kid, and you're a good mom. ((HUGS))

My oldest isnt' as tough as your son and my eldest neice not either but they are both high maintenance - or used to be. They're older now. I remember I felt much better when my sister said how she told her oldest that she needed to learn to play by herself. So don't feel like a bad mom - remind yourself this is for his own good. And it's also for his own good to not interupt or talk incessantly. No one will like that and by extension - him. So let him sulk, let him whine. You're not hurting him. I work FT so feel like when I'm home, I really should be 100% available. I always said if I was a SAHM and therefore around all the time, I woulnd't feel like that. He's gettign plenty of your time and attention. Don't feel badly. If he's 5 now, he can start to understand limits on your attention etc. I think the timer is a good idea to get him used to periods of time you cannot cater to him. And it will get better. My oldest practically ignores me now...