Really Dissapointed in My Friend, Should I Talk to Her?

You friend is being weird. She really wants you to come and give her strep?

I rarely tell people that I am not coming I tell them that my kids are really sick and that it is contagious but I can still make it if they really need me. I have yet to have anyone get bent out of shape or ask me to come.

It aaaaallll changes when we have kids, doesn't it? I'd give your friend a pass because at this point, she's childless and has no idea. Wait until that baby is born, though, and she understands the "pull" we mothers feel when our kids are sick! I would apologize once more, relay to her again that you feel bad and had every intention of coming until your kids got sick. And not just colds, strep throat! Tell her it's not fair for you to drag them on a four hour car ride while they are so ill (and on antibiotics) when they should be in bed and resting. How much "fun" would you have there anyway, with two sick kids in tow? I'm completely with you and would have made the same call you did. Children first. After your friend gives birth, she'll understand :)

BTW, I had chronic strep throat as a child and I know exactly what your children are going through. Bed is really the only place they should be... anyone who has had strep would agree with me!

Yes, I would talk to my friend. But, I would realize that she is a pregnant woman who has NOT had children before. She doesn't know what she doesn't know. She doesn't know how it feels to be a mom and have your child be so sick and you are worried and you need to stay with your kids for their comfort and for yours. She won't understand you and she will think you are being ridiculous and selfish, but when it comes down to it---when she is in that position, she will understand. You are doing the right thing by being with your kids. You handed off your responsibilites and did what you could to make things go smoothly. You have done nothing wrong. Your a good mom and there isn't anything else for you to do. Best wishes and hope your kiddos feel better really soon!

M

My first reaction was why note leave your kids with your husband. However, a moment later I thought, I would just stay home myself because when kids are sick they want their mommy! Plus, you would probably just worry about them at home.

However, since it is only Thursday, why not after seeing the pediatrician, just think about driving there Saturday morning. Pack your bags as if you are going to go and just see how the kids are feeling. Some kids bounce back pretty quickly and if it is strep and they are on antibiotics, their fever should not last long once the medicine kicks in.

I do think your friends are being selfish and your pregnant friend obviously has no idea what she is in for as a mom.

This is a tough decision, but don't end your friendship over it.

Big hugs and good luck!

.

She is not a mom. She doesn't understand yet what you are going through. Also, just because she is planning on only having one doesn't mean they won't have another... I hear that all the time from my friends! I'm sure she's hormonal and disappointed. I'd just let it roll off your back. I do think you could make the trip though if you really wanted to, but I wouldn't be mad at you for deciding not to go. I think there are no rights/no wrongs in this situation, with the exception of them being rude about their opinion.

You are smart to cool down before talking to her!
She is pregnant with her first child, and new-moms-to-be are like brides, they can be incredibly self centered.
If it's a friendship that you value, talk to her about it later, let her know your feelings were hurt. Otherwise, let it go and move on.
Soon enough she will know what being a mother is REALLY about, it ain't all showers and parties and being the center of attention, THAT'S for sure!

Hi J., first of all, you did the right thing by not saying anything at all. Angry words will only make matters worse. In my opinion, I think you did the right thing. Your children come first. This has nothing to do wtih friendship. I wouldn't play put too much attention to how your friends are acting towards you. They'll get over it. Don't put too much energy into it, or even justify or defend yourself. Your intentions were real and true. But life happens and you make decisions. Send them a card with your apologies.. and don't say much. Really, there is nothing esle to say. IF they chose to ignore you, that means they don't understand. Just be yourself. Smile and call them like nothing happened. They will get it when their kids start getting sick and needs your love and attention.

Take care, J.. Don't feel bad too long. Enjoy your kids, play with them, and be happy. They can feel that in you.

-Maria B

When you've cooled off and the shower is over and done, and she's back home (give it a few days)...

"You know, the last time we had talked, I felt like you were upset with me for not being able to come to the shower. I was disappointed too. I really wanted to come. "

See what she has to say. Making a general statement like "I was disappointed too" leaves things kind of open. You aren't blaming her, you are opening a door to a conversation that she will either be gracious enough to have (and to hear your feelings), or she will close it and move on. You can decide if you want to press it further. She might be embarrassed about how she treated you, or self-absorbed and unaware of the needs of others. How has she treated you in the past when you've had to choose something besides her? That might factor in to what you choose to say or do.

How invested are you in the friendship?

If it were me, I'd just be wary of going all-out again for a person who isn't willing or able to have that conversation. People who don't have "out of the womb" children sometimes don't understand the priorities of a parent...some are great. I think you were awesome; you helped with what you could, made sure your absence wouldn't cause disruptions by finding others to help and you did what good moms do-- stayed home and took care of your kids. Sorry that your friends are behaving like children. We moms have to put our family first. You have every right to be frustrated and angry right now.

And I do get it about strep. I had it as an adult and was deliriously ill for a couple days. If I were a wee one, I wouldn't want to be in the car at all...I'd want to be home with mama!

Added: and a thousand flowers to Susan (SH) for putting it all more succinctly than I ever could!

Two sets of pregnancy hormones at work so tread lightly. She didn't stop to consider that you were protecting her, her unborn baby, and all your friends from getting the strep that you are probably now a carrier of? Just let her dissapointment or irritation roll off your back, don't even take notice of it. Call during the shower and have them pass the phone around to everyone so you can say hi. or ask that they set up a livecam laptop skype deal so you can stiil "attend" Try to be all smiles and encouragement about it. Wait until after babies are born and all has gone well if you still want to bring it up.

I can completely understand where you're coming from, but I also know that once you start your kiddos on antibiotics, they will not be contagious anymore after 24 hours (and their fevers should be all but gone), so I think you could still go by Saturday if you really wanted to and the kiddos would likely be fine by then. I think you need to do what you're comfortable with, but my pediatrician (who has been a pedi in this area for more than 30 years) always tells me that they will be fine in 24 hours once the antibiotics start. I think you should give it some thought and play it by ear.

As for talking to your friend, I would say that she probably won't understand until she has her own child. The first time her baby gets sick, she will "get it", but likely not until then. It can't hurt to gently let her know that it hurt your feelings, but I wouldn't ruin a 15 year friendship over something like this. I know that you're upset, but give it another day, see how the kiddos are and go enjoy yourself if they're feeling up to it. Best of luck to you!

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this - hope your little ones get better!! I would say to talk to her. My friend and I from college went through a similar situation a few years ago and unfortunately both of us were too proud to talk to the other - we dont' talk anymore and the only way I hear about her is through a mutual friend. If your friendship is important talk to her - best of luck!

Well they are infantile.
They are being, selfish.
Don't let them, demoralize you.
You know they are wrong.
Your kids are sick.

Once your friend has her baby, she will have a STEEP learning curve... on what it is like, to be a MOM.
She better get her head out of the selfish, end of her personality.
Sorry.

I would feel like telling her off too.
You know you are NOT wrong.
You are being a good Mom.
Emergencies with our kids, arises.
We cannot predict that.

I would never treat a friend that way, either.

I would question, IF she is even a friend.
A good friend, would NOT behave that way.

AND you are pregnant, too.
Take care of yourself.
Not them.

Awww.......there's nothing worse than when your kids are sick. You feel so helpless as a parent because there's nothing you can do to help them feel better. But with you being pregnant, you have to take care of your family and yourself. If you travel when you are tired, you run the risk of getting strep yourself and that would blow if you are also expecting.

Being that your friend is expecting, she of all people should understand how you feel. But because it's her first, sounds like she's acting as though she's the only woman in the world that is pregnant. I would wait until after everything blows over, she's back home with all her new loot and call her and talk to her. But, like Melissa said, only if the friendship is important to you. If you can live without it, don't worry about it. You will soon have 3 children and be way to busy to worry about such pettiness, you know?

I think I have a different take than most. I personally would leave them home with hubby and head on out of town. You kids will be bummed when you leave, but will get over it as soon as you are out of site. My husband loves hanging out alone with the kids, because when I am home, they kind of hang on me. Also, if you have been friends for 15 years and this is her only shower, it is a really big deal to her and she wants all of her cloesest friends there. You kids will get better with or without you. Go be with your friends have fun and check in with you husband and kids.

J.
I am with you. I would never leave kids, no matter what the age, with their dad while spiking fevers. Strep fevers have gone up to 105, while giving meds round the clock. Imagine having the husband do that? Not that he wouldn't, but I couldn't live with myself if he fell asleep and didn't hear the kids. So, yes, while others may think you can still make it, I am saying, I would have never gone to anywhere until my kids were over the sickness. Your pregnant friend does not have children I gather because she would have known your decision is the right decision. good luck

Yes, your friend is being hormonal, selfish & unreasonable. She is also pregnant with her first baby & last baby, & not yet a mom. Poor thing has not a clue about motherhood, yet (those sleepless nights will come in as a shock for her, won't they?!).

Yes, your kids are sick, but it's only Thursday & with antibiotics, kids normally get better pretty quickly. So, play it by ear.

Also, if you have an able bodied DH, why can't he stay with the kids? Does he work weekends? I think I'd be leaving the kids at home, even if they weren't sick, just so I could focus on my friend & the task at hand. How are you really going to be able to help with the event, enjoy yourself, and care for yourself & 2 kids? Sounds kind of ridiculous & stressful, if you ask me.

Something like this isn't really worth losing a friend over, IMO. I think it would be great to make the effort & surprise her. It would mean the world to her.

Edited - I guess I have more confidence in my husband than most women have in their spouses. It really must be awful not to be able to trust your own husband, the man you chose, and the one you chose to have kids with. Your children will not die if you're not the only ones caring for them. The world will not crumble if you are gone. I highly doubt that your husbands are helpless idiots incapable of childcare. I really just don't get it. I think a good friend would figure it out, personally. You are choosing to miss out on something that is so important to your friend. Just be prepared to lose her.

I wouldn't say anything.... She'll find out soon enough what it's like to be in your situation.

I would be really mad too but I will say that I didn't know what it was like to have kids until I had them. I hadn't even had friends w/ kids so really didn't get it. So this time I'd let it go. If you've been friends for a long time and she typically isn't self-centered etc, I'd figure someday she'll figure out she was totally wrong. It sucks for you being stuck home and they should understand that. I'm not a fan of baby showers to begin with. And you were nice to do as much work for it as you did. But if this is the only thing that's happened like this, I really think someday she'll get it. So give it time and if she is on a downward trend, then maybe say something. Good luck w/ the weekend home w/ sick kids. They really should be mad at you bc obviously that's more fun for you than hanging out w/ your friends and you're being selfish. ha ha

No I wouldn't talk to your "friend". I would take this as a clear sign that time marches on and friendships change and end. When your friend has children of her own and they get sick, the lights "might" go on. I would think she and the others should be getting in touch with you. If they don't, their loss.

Hope your children are better soon.

Blessings.....

They are being unreasonable. I wanted to tell you to lie to them and say your child now has or may have Fifths Disease just to drive the point home with their sorry selfishes a**'s but that isn't right either. (Fifth's can cause birth defects in unborn children)

Seriously! If you(they) don't care about the poor kids, who wants to be exposed to whatever made the kids get Strep in the first place? Or understandably cranky kids? And to expect you to travel 4 hours with them is just not right. Unfortunately there is NEVER a good time to be sick and it can seem like it happens at the most inopportune times but it is what it is. Not like you chose it. Show them our posts!

When you're calm, talk to your friend and explain to her that both of your children have fevers and strep throat which is contagious. Tell them that if you were to leave the children with their father to attend the shower, you would be risking your pregnant friend's health by giving her strep throat/fever and the misery that accompanies it. Depending on how far along she is in her pregnancy, she ought to know that it's safer for her to avoid it.

Because she doesn't have children that she has to leave at home, let alone sick children, she doesn't yet understand the predicament that you're in. I would give her a pass on this and I wouldn't dump her as a friend. I don't believe you need to question your friendship over it. She has every right to be very disappointed because up until now she's been excited to see all of her old friends and share this part of her pregnancy. With her being this upset, it shows how much your friendship and absence mean to her.

I'm sure that she wouldn't want to risk her own health, yours, or for your children to suffer either.

Edited to add: There's also the fact to consider that while your children won't be contagious 24 hours after starting medication, they're still going to feel like cow pucky. You won't be able to take them with you. And just because they won't be contagious, that doesn't mean that YOU won't be contagious.

Have you been tested for Strep? You could be carrying it and not know yet. I am pregnant and I have had Strep twice this year and it was not fun. My doctor and I both were hesitant about putting me back on meds again the second time. You might appeal to her in away that she can relate too, by telling her that you are concerned about spreading Strep on to her.

You might send her flowers or give her a call during the showers to let her know that you are still with her in spirit.

Good luck

Updated

Have you been tested for Strep? You could be carrying it and not know yet. I am pregnant and I have had Strep twice this year and it was not fun. My doctor and I both were hesitant about putting me back on meds again the second time. You might appeal to her in away that she can relate too, by telling her that you are concerned about spreading Strep on to her.

You might send her flowers or give her a call during the showers to let her know that you are still with her in spirit.

Good luck

i don't see anything wrong with you saying anything, just make sure are completely calmed down when you do. and this may be one of those moments when she will have to wait until she has the baby and truly understand where you were coming from. sometimes it truly takes someone else to be in your shoes to understand where you coming from. good luck.

Sorry you have to go through this... It is definitely wise to wait and cool off before talking with her, so both of you -hopefully- do not say anything you will regret later.

Just curious, does this "friend I was planning the shower with" have kiddos? I would be really surprised if she did, and was acting this way... As other posters said, they will understand what you are going through when they have sick kids of their own.

To be honest, I see both sides of the situation. If you have a trusted family member (like husband??) who is able to take care of the kids while you are away overnight, then I don't see why you can't still make it happen with the shower. I get that this throws a loop in things and of course you're worried about your kids, but if you've put in this much time and energy to the shower, I could see trying to make it happen. On the other hand, I see that you're pregnant, exhausted and the time you were going to use to prep for the trip has probably been spent between doctors' offices and pharmacies and bedsides...so I do see that too. But, I kinda feel like if you're not sick and you can get adequate care for the kids, you could go.

I think if you do decide not to go for sure then yes I'd talk to her. I would open with something like "I can tell your disappointed I'm not coming..." Go from there and let her express her feelings. SHe probably is bummed b/c you are so close and although I'm sure she does understand your want to be with your kids, she probably just got her feelings hurt. Remember, you're both pregnant and that is a recipe for disaster when it comes to miscommunication and hurt feelings...everything is twice as emotional!

how rotten. How about saying you'll come only if your pregnant friend takes care of your kids with strep. Hmmm how would she feel then. Maybe she'll figure out how serious it is then.

If your kiddos are anything like mine and want mommy (instead of daddy) when they are sick then so be it. My kids cling to me when they don't feel well and I wouldn't have the heart to leave them. I agree in that you should talk to her and hopefully she'll understant where you're coming from.

Def wait until you cool off before you talk to her again. I am sure they are just disappointed that you can not come, no reason to make things even bigger than they already are.

I'm in the I would go camp. I would definitely leave the kids with my husband, especially if they just had something as routine and responsive to medicine as strep and the party was 2 days away. Apologize for missing her big day, wish her well, and be comfortable with your decision.

Well, I certainly understand how you feel. If my kids were still sick on Saturday with a fever etc..., then I would not go. If they seem to be recovering, then I might try to go while leaving the kids with their Dad. I had a similar situation with my wedding, but I was on the other side. I had a friend that had one small child. She actually called and left a message on my home answering machine while I was at my rehersal dinner saying that her child was sick and she would not be coming the next day. Not being a Mom at the time, I was horribly hurt since this was my one and only wedding. She had a wonderful husband...I felt that she could have come for a few hours to support me. After I calmed down, I felt a bit better about it. However, she couldn't even bring herself to call me after the wedding and honeymoon. That was what I couldn't forgive. I was devastated and the friendship was never the same.

Some friend! She doesn't even care that there is a risk of her getting sick and it hurting her own unborn chid! Something is definately wrong with her priorities. I would take her off my list (of friends that is). How could anyone expect someone going through what you are going through to drive 5 hours to her baby shower. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Who needs friends like that?

If it were me, I would attend. Yes you are tired and pregnant and they are in the wrong for treating you like this. But they might carry a grudge through the years - they may never even get over it - if you don't show up.

Make the effort, if anything, to show you are the better person. Let everyone keep their duties so all you have to do is show up and not have to do anything.

When you are back at home and things have settled, let them know how disappointed you were in how they've acted towards you when you really needed them to be understanding friends. They won't be able to throw it back in your face b/c you are also pregnant w/sick kids having to travel 4 hours.

gl