Rant About Hubbie

Deanna Leigh made some great points.

Sometimes, Men can get post-partum depression too... and this is the way they can get or the way it is manifested. And, sometimes they just burn-out on the baby and all the demands. They don't have the patience or the stamina as women/Moms do. For Moms, we dont' have a choice....for some men, they feel they don't "have to" be around or available all the time for baby or the Wife.

Yes, and he is working all day, you are home... "resentment" can crop up.

Once in awhile, my hubby gets a little resentful too. I am a SAHM for the past 6 years. But when he is calm, he knows darn well that he is GLAD I am home raising our kids myself. And he tells me.

You can show him this posting... and the responses you get back on it.

The thing is, "Parenting" is not a "hobby" you can just do whenever you "feel" like it. There is no choice... a child needs constant care, 24/7. A child is not a "toy" you just take out when YOU want to play with it, and then walk away when you are fed up or bored. Some men, are STILL adjusting to all of these "demands" upon them... and they simply cannot adjust. For men, just vegging out watching TV, is an "escape" from stress.

BUT HE HAS TO UNDERSTAND... that he has to take care of his WIFE too, and SHE has every right to take a break and go out by herself too.

He is being sarcastic to you... it shows that he is either frustrated, angry, resentful, or simply being "defensive" because he knows you are right... but he can't cope. He sounds burnt-out.

Does he even get a chance to go out on his own, or with his friends? Its okay if he does this... but he must ask you first. It's only fair. Likewise, you MUST also have the chance to have "alone" time too. BUT, being a Mom does not allow time for that. It is the way it is. But, so you have to make time... mark your calendar... tell him ahead of time... and make plans for yourself.

However, it is NOT okay that he insults your ability as a Mom. Tell him this. That is NOT cool. How derogatory that is. Tell him... in a stern, calm, upstanding way. But don't argue about it. Just state it. You HAVE TO display your "boundaries" too.

The bottom line is, his behavior is not acceptable... he is now a "Dad" and a "Husband." If he feels left out... then that is fine, but he cannot take it out on you or HIS baby. That is simply immature and selfish. Uncool.

If he cannot handle his role as a "Dad" and as a Husband...well he can express that, or maybe he feels insecure about it all too. It's okay. But, he is being hostile to you now, AND THE BABY TOO. And he has to step up to the plate. EVERYONE in the household has responsibilities... no one is exempt.

He is ignoring the baby and you. That is being negligent.
If he does not or cannot cope or improve, I suggest counseling or Parenting classes for him. He is copping out, on his family. Plain and simple.

Some men "regress" once they have a baby, and get childish themselves. He may feel resentful toward you ALSO because HE is not getting any attention. THIS is also something that men feel. With being a Mom...often times the Hubby gets lost in the loop too. They don't understand all that we do... and all they know is their "wife" is not there for them anymore... or WITH them anymore, and is always "busy" with the baby. So, if this is the case, sit down and talk it out. BUT, he has to understand this, truly. A Wife and Mother has a LOT on her plate... and mainly it is about "pleasing" everyone else, except themselves. So, you need a respite too. It's only fair.

Good luck,
Susan

A.,

My friend just e-mailed this to me and I read it and thought about my Mom and Dad...they went through this too, when I was about 2 years old and actually seperated for a period of time.

Here's what I think just based on my own experience and knowledge of this kind of stuff. You are a stay at home Mom, and that is awesome. I wish I could be home with my little dude.

For some men, they begin to feel like they are on the outside because they are ALWAYS leaving the home and WORKING to PROVIDE for their families. So, they take themselves out of the situation...they alienate themselves and make the problem their famiy and not them. My Dad did this when he began to resent my Mom for GETTING to stay home and PLAY with me ALL DAY. They stop seeing what the Mom does as WORK and start seeing it like it's osme kind of extended vacation...obviously, forgetting how hard the job of being a full-time MOM really is and using that as at tool to be angry and resentful.

Well, my Mom left my Dad when I was 2 years old. We moved in with my Grandparents and out of our house and the only way my Mom would go back was if my Dad agreed to talk to their priest about the issues he was having. Thank goodness after three weeks, he missed us SO much he agreed and ever since then my parents have found ways to work through tough times and not just bail on each other. This of course is 28 years later...but, I think it still applies.

It sounds like your husband is in a funk, and might just need a little motivation and attention of his own to get moving again. Truly, if he was your right hand man in this to begin with, I wouldn't doubt that he's still that man...just maybe a little unsure of where he fits in the picture. Now, I'm not saying leave him...but, is there anyone you can get to watch your little girl so that you two can get out to have lunch, dinner or simply coffee to discuss your life togehter. Get away from the home togehter and use that time to talk about what EACH of you NEEDS. Each of you has needs that hopefully should be met through your relationship together and as individuals.

And, I know how hard it can be when you just want to step outside and take a deep breath or get a haircut or cup coffee by yourself. Seems simple to us, but to the MEN in our lives it seems like we should be able to do it, if we're already staying home ALL THE TIME.

My son's Dad and I aren't together anymore, but we've been going to therapy because of an Order to do so and it's funny what comes up when you HAVE to talk about it. SO many things could have been resolved if one of us had just spoken up, and expressed ourselves...not that we'd be together today, but at least we wouldn't be where we are today...not talking and using e-mail to discuss our son's issues. Makes me sad and frustrated, but you have a chance to create a new path for your family and I hope that you can!

I wish you and yours the best of luck!!

Deanna

It sounds as if he is in a bit of a depression. Make an appointment for him to go for a check up. There are some other things to consider as well. Was his father actively involved with raising him? If his father was distant, he may see that as the role father's take, not one of cargiver and emotion. Sounds also as if he may not be sure of his own parenting skills.

How old is the baby? How long has it been since the two of you had a date and spent some good, quality time together? It's easy to get caught up in a new baby and let the romance slack. It happened with me and my own hubby. Set up date nights so you can reconnect. Don't forget to be his girlfriend so he in turn can be the man you know him to be. Yes, we moms are tired at the end of the day but men need that time to reconnect and release their frustrations of the day. It may seem to you he has it easy at the office while you are home. But I bet if you asked, he'd gladly trade places.

Do you both get time to hang out with your friends? Driving home from work isn't exactly alone time. Sit down and schedule date nights as a couple and time to go out with each others friends.

As for him watching the baby, don't give him an option. Start slowly, such as I'm grabbing a shower, please feed the baby. Graduate to running to the store, etc. His confidence has been rattled and he may be doubting his own parenting skills, criticizing you to cover up his concerns about himself. Don't judge the way he does something, even if it is different than you would do it. Dad's won't help if they are told it is the wrong way. As long as the desired result is accomplished, who cares how it gets done. Praise him to get his confidence up. Point out how the baby reacts to him, what he does that she likes, thank him for helping out, things like that.

Even Daddy's need there egos stroked. Thank him for working so hard so you can raise the family. Remember, he's out there slaying dragons for his girls. I put notes in my hubby's lunch (that I pack) telling him things like that. When he's had a crappy day, he loves some love in his lunchbox. Let your husband know in subtle ways that you still your man to help you out. Men want to be needed, you just have to go about it the right way.

When he gets back in the swing of things, he'll be more at ease to help. Give him the encouragement he needs and soon he will be the doting daddy again.

DO NOT show him this post. Men are very prideful and that will backfire.

A new baby is wonderful but remember that your marriage is the basis of everything for your family. It will work out, just give it time.

Hi A.,

If your husband is a first time daddy. He might feel a little sad or even a little jealous of the relationship your have with your little baby girl. This too also happen with me and my husband he was so happy and hand-on at first. Then he wanted "his" time. What I did was had some time with my husband to reconnect with him. We went on a date and it made him feel special, I made his favorite dinner and just kinda made him the number one, one night each week. I would do something for him and only him. We don't have alot of extra money so it was leaving a thank you note in his lunch, or sending him a text message, just letting him know that I am looking forward to seeing him when he gets home from work. Often time first time dads feel lost in the equation. I hope this helps.

o m g! i know how you feel! my hubby does the same thing! for the first couple months he was great! (especially the first 2 weeks). then his mom (whom we lived with until i moved out with the baby) started to tell him that i made him do too much because he works nights and gets home at 8a. i was in total shock because helping with our daughter when i need a small break isnt too much. neither is playing with her. well this escallated about 3 months ago when my daughter (who has asthma) was very sick and i wanted his parents (who smoke) to wear a jacket over their clothes when they smoked. his parents got mad so i took my daughter and moved out (mind you these people say they care about her health!). my hubby orrigionally went with me then we got in a fight over his parents DEMANDING that they see the baby. now my husband does very little for my daughter he gives me money to buy her what she needs and spends a couple hours with us and thats it. i have stood firm on not wanting my child around his parents because they play games out of spite and i dont want to be apart of that so in retaliation i guess i keep my daughter from them as much as possible. anyways enough of that. my hubby also cuts me down as a mother. i work part time watching a little boy a few days a week for very cheap pay and im able to take my daughter with me. i wish he understood the work i do when im at home but i do admit that i have my lazy days. but i clean i take care of her i cook i do everything. little to say my husband lives with his parents and i took my daughter and moved to my aunts house where i feel i have control over my daughter better (at his parents house they felt what they said for my daughter over rulled what we wanted). my daughter and i are happy for the most part and my hubby and his family arent. and honestly i dont care because if they would have not but in where they didnt belong i wouldnt have moved out. when my husband does what yours is doing i tell him not to touch my daughter dont feed her nothing i made him go almost a month with out doing a thing for her (plus i was taking care of a set of twins basically 24-7). he finally broke and helped me with her for a while. i wish i can say it gets easier but it doesnt you just have to hang in there good luck!