Thank you all for your thoughts! I know I didn't put in a lot of details, I was just looking to see that I'm not alone, and I'm glad to hear all of your responses. I really try to stay positive and think that at least I can stay at home, and like some of you, be thankful that he DOES have hobbies, but sometimes I feel like it's cutting into family time and some times I feel like I need a break from the kids. Not only do I stay home, but I also watch two other children. So I'm in toddler world ALL week.
I'm going to pull some ideas though and use this for leverage to take a trip to see a friend. By myself. Thank you all for your input!
I am a member of this as a grandmother. As my kids were growing up my husband was a physician, golfer, and skier. I told him calmly how I felt and told him I WOULD NEVER TELL HIM THAT HE MUST stay home for family time. That feeling is something that had to come from within, not a rule enforced by his wife. He eventually started being home because he enjoyed being with his wife and three kids, not because I felt treated unfairly.
It would NOT fly with me. Sorry. Yes it's nice he has hobbies. Do you? I mean if you have hobbies would you be able to still find time for family? I've juggled hobbies and family life before. It sounds more like hubby's hobby time is SO valuable and no one should breach it. His time's more valuable? This is a selfish attitude.
If it was important to become a father, he should be investing time to his kids/family. It's a two person responsibility. Everything else can be managed too. But it has to be agreed on, everything fair and balanced.
All of these answers are great, my husband is truely married to work first. He makes Video games for a living and brings them home all the time. We have every system created and he loves to escape from the world to play. Granted the games he played in the beginning were not family friendly but now that my oldest (6) can play with him, the games have been scaled back and the family has been brought into the hobbie world instead of excluded. Maybe taking an interest in his life may help in the situation. True not all hobbies are family friendly or girl friendly but it is truely what you make of it. Good luck. TR
Hi, I am late to respond but reading your request and response is so comforting. Just to know I am not the only one with this issue. I have a husband who insist on going out with friends every Wednesday. I am fine with it sometime others I am not. It continually is the cause for argument and discussion. Last time it came up I looked at why I was upset about it...I finally figured it out...when I feel stressed out it is not okay for him to go out and when I feel good I have no problem with him going out. The solution...take care of myself!! We have two little ones so "Take care of myself" is rather difficult. Not alot of me time,however, if I want to live happily I need to take care of my wants and needs also. So I signed up for a computer class, yoga and arranged a babysitter. This way, no matter what he does or doesn't do I am fine with it. Also, we have a scheduled date night. That way we get time together too. Funny thing..last Wednesday I said openly.."If you want to go out I am fine with it. I don't want to keep you from doing what you want to do" He stayed home that night..go figure. Good luck.
I started getting resentful with my husband playing golf in the summer and hockey in the winter.
I realized something more recently though. It wasn't that I didn't want him playing sports. He feels better about himself when he is active, and it keeps him healthier than he would be otherwise. The real problems is that I didn't have the same sort of outlet built into our routine for myself. First I had to decide what I wanted to do. An exercise class? A scheduled time-slot to do whatever I want with girlfriends? Then I had to talk to my husband and let him know that this was something I NEEDED.
We worked it out. He knows that I am happier and a better mom and wife when I get my own personal time. We all need that.
I just wanted to share a story I heard of once from a friend who had a friend who was a stay-at-home mom at one point in her life. This particular lady stayed at home with the kids while her hubby worked full time to support the family and was going to law school. This hubby graduated and went on to work for a law firm while his wife continued to stay home with the kids. She felt that her hubby was slowly changing. New job, new co-workers, longer work hours, pretty much a different standard of living, this man was dealing with new work issues in his life. This brilliant woman knew that if she did not do something to capture her connection to her hubby he was going to slowly pull away. Not that he didn't love her or enjoy spending time with the family, he was simply placed in a different environment that when they first met, fell in love and had children. Her solution...she went to law school. She figured that if she was going to hold on to her hubby and keep him intrigued, she was going to have to learn his new lingo and be able to understand the new dealings in his work environment. She knew that keeping him wanting to come home and have a conversation about what went on at work or even being able to help him with his work by offering suggestions, she would have to go to law school. She eventually graduated law school and remained a stay-at-home mom. But what she gained was priceless.
Now with all this being said, my suggestion would be to learn all you can about what your hubby in interested in. Whether it is sports that he watches, plays, a hobby, or even his day to day work, learn all you can. Let him feel that you are interested in what makes him happy and want to know more about it. Let him know that this is something that your kids may want to have an interest in and as a couple expose them to this hobby. You never know, your kids may enjoy it just as much as dad, or you may as well. You never know. He will feel that in return, perhaps he should show interest in something for you.
Just a FYI for all you wifes of sports fanatics, I do know that the Texans sponsor a Football 101 class for women. It teaches you the basics so that you can at least have even the basic conversation with your hubby while watching a game. Now, I LOVE football, so I can't imagine why any woman would have a problem with watching football every Sunday and Monday:) j/k, but give it a chance, you never know how much you may take a liking to it. In fact, every wife of a sports fanatic should buy a pair of tix to their hubby's favorite sport for just the two of them. Get into the games, wear the team jersey, get fired up, your hubby will love it!!
And bottom line, I must agree with some of the other suggestions, this is probably one of the best problems to have over hubby staying out drinking or partying (not a good hobby to have). As long as this hobby is not draining your savings, stay positive and talk to your hubby about how you can be part of his every Saturday routine, even if you have to start with one Saturday a month. Make that one Saturday fun and just enjoy it!
Although it is important for each partner in the marriage to have outside interests, the number one interest has got to be the marriage and family itself. Balance is key. You both need couple time, alone time, friend time and family time. If one of these areas is out of balance, the whole is affected. I work part-time, but realize that SAHM have the hardest jobs imaginable, and need more breaks than working moms! Keep the lines of communication open with your husband, and don't put your needs on the back burner. Good Luck!
I feel for you. My husband has a LOT of time consuming and expensive hobbies (fishing, offroading, RC cars, building up trucks, etc.) and works a whole LOT (works on cars for a living). He really doesn't have enough time for all he wants to do. It is hard to find that balance! I'd rather him have too much to do than not enough though. The video games and TV are not on much that way. :) Sundays are our family day and Saturdays are our get things done day typically. It used to be a lot harder when I was a pure SAHM so I feel for you... because nothing broke up the week or even REALLY broke up the days. I need some structure to break it up. Going back to working part time at a day care center helped, but once we had 2 kids (now ages 3 & 2), I started home day care and LOVE it. It breaks up the day as kids come in and out with parents and I really enjoy it (have a degree in psych and early childhood and enjoy business management so it's REALLY right up my alley). It also allowed me to join Lifetime Fitness (I NEVER thought I'd join a place like that but I LOVE it). It allows me my own time to relax and be alone/adult time. I don't really have "hobbies" since kids, so Lifetime is now my outlet. Sooo, I think we all need breaks and we all need family time. You didn't mention time together evenings and Sundays if you have some family time then. Date nights? Time for you to get out without the kids? But this is how it works around here...it's hard at times, but it works. With his so many hobbies and his people pleasing, he often does favors for others before getting things done around the house, which is frustrating. His motives aren't to dismiss the family but that's how it ends up, so it's really frustrating, so that's our biggest issue with it. I get really frustrated when people take advantage of it, as I continue to remind him of things that need to be done here. But hey. There's always hard things...gotta find that balance for YOUR family.
That is a loaded question if I ever saw one. =) I am sure you will get a lot of different answers to this from NO! divorce him! to wow I wish my husband would do that! The truth of it is we are all different and have different expectations from our husbands.
My questions for you.
1. You don't say what the hobby is. If he golfs, YES it would take all day. Some things do.
2. Did he do this hobby before he met you or is it something new? If he did it before you got married did you think he would drop it? Have you thought about joining him? Get a sitter and spend a few hours with him?
3. Have you thought about asking him to limiting it to half a day? Ask him to go earlier, come home during the middle of the day and do something with you?
4. To answer your question, NO I wouldn't like it and it would become an irritation. I like my husband. =)
Many men feel that it is their right to have time off on the weekend, heck they worked all week, right? They don't understand that we work too, even if we are home! Even more so because SAHMs don't leave their "jobs". This is a very common battle these days. Old stereo types are still in place as to men and women's roles and men are not adapting to them as quickly as women (in my opinion). I am not saying it is right, I am saying that it is hard to break subconscious sociatal expectations...ask any man that wants to be a house husband...
I think you need to think carefully on the questions I asked. What is it that you want, really? Will you be able to get him to compromise? What will you do if he won't? It won't help to stew on it or be angry whenever he goes out the door. Put the kids to bed, sit down and talk, see if you can find a solution.
Good luck hun.
It is hard, I think you and your husband need to revist the reason you had children in the first place. This should hopefully refresh his role as a father and open communication to changing your current situation. Our daily lives change almost completely when you have children. I found that my husband struggled trying to "keep his routine and hobbies", but young children need constant supervision and interaction. It is hard to be fully involved at a toddler level for the duration of the day, and it is understandable that you need some support. However, guilting him into letting you have time for your hobbies because he gets time for his hobbies WILL NOT WORK. This approach will only harbor resentment and will not motivate him to be a more involved father. Just know that raising toddlers (or any child for that matter)is temporary, a few short years compared to a lifetime, and any time you or he shortchange your children will reflect in their character. I have heard many many stories of fathers who question why the children as they grow older don't seek them out or want to do things with them...It all starts now, if your daughters don't get that time with dad they'll grow into the habit that dad is not someone you spend time with. This would be the greater loss, not your loss of time for your hobbies. If your husband is receptive, remind him that he can go back to his hobbies in a few years when the children don't need as much supervision as they require now.
I count my blessings, when I am tired or up late with my daughter and my husband is reading or sleeping. I get through the moment knowing my daughter feels loved and not in the way. Good luck, it is only a short while in your lifetime.
My husband spends every Monday night watching football during the football season and much time watching basketball during that season. It takes some getting used to, however this is what he enjoys doing when he is at home relaxing. It used to bother me, but no more. Don't take it personal. Find you a hobby that will give you some enjoyment and allow time with adults. Plan a date night with your husband at least once a week. As the two of you talk more, he will begin to understand the needs you have and meet them. Pray and ask God for patience so that you will not act out of anger. Pour the love on him and he will begin to include you in some of those Saturdays.
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I love it that my husband has separate interests from me and we have alot of space in our relationship. Of course my kids are almost grown now. When they were little he travelled heavily and I did it all myself. It was my job to raise the kids and I did it happily as I didn't have to worry about working outside the home, which is much more stressful. My husband and I do have a few common interests and we ditch the kids so we can go off together. It's just a matter of balance.
My husbands hobby really does "fly" with me- no pun intended. He is an avid model air plane builder and flyer. He enjoys flying one or two nights per week and all day Saturday OR Sunday. We used to live about 25 mins away from the model plane field but last year me moved, so now it's just a quick 5 minutes drive. SOMETIMES his hobby does get on my nerves- as in it had taken over out entire 2.5 car garage and it's not cheap. However, it is something that we can, and do, do as a family. Our son loves packing a picnic and watching Daddy and his buddies fly during the summer. We've even made a few roadtrips due to his hobby. It sure beats "drinking away" our money in a nasty bar! :) I do have to admit that it was more difficult for me to digest when our son was a newborn. I'm a sahm who nursed him for 22 months- and felt like I was always "attached" to him. I sometimes felt as if nursing was my hobby- and I had no control over it. I was a tad resentful being left alone at times but like I said, it's turned into a nice family hobby.
I have to say I feel for you. My husband is at work at least 11 hours/day M-F and another 6-7 hours on Saturday. I work FT outside of the house M-F and do all of the carting the kids to piano and other lessons/games as well as dropping off and picking up at school (before and after school care). We have 2 DD, ages 8 and 4 and a 3yo DS not in school and my husband does take him to my MIL's during the week.
Although this is not a hobby I feel that it cuts into our family time tremendously and he just doesn't agree. Plus he is a hunter, so in the fall when he is not at work on Saturday and Sunday he is hunting. It is a constant source of pain in our marriage. Another point of annoyance, he can never get his chores done, but seems to think he has time to have fun. Oh, and another thing, I make 25% more money than him in my 40 hour a week job.
It's hard to find things to do with other families because most of the people we know their husbands are home all weekend. I want my kids to have fun on the weekend, but I can't handle all 3 together at the zoo or a movie. It just is too much by myself. Trust me, I have tried.
Plus, he only gets 2 weeks of vacation and prefers to use part of them for an annual 4 day hunting trip before Thanksgiving. We rarely vacation as a family since he can never go.
Now that the kids are a little older I am hoping to take them places myself as I get 5 weeks of vacation. I am sick and tired of waiting for him to decide that he wants to spend time with his family. I am so close to divorcing him, but I just can't do that to my kids, they adore him (of course because I am the mean one since I am the one making them do things like clean their room and take a bath since I am the only one around).
For me personally, that would NOT fly with me. My husband has a job which frequently keeps him away for long hours (which is hard enough) and if he chose to take his free time when he could be spending time with his family to then take him away further, I think we'd have some serious mutiny going on over here! LOL!
Luckily, my dh is all about doing everything he can to be WITH us during his spare time and in the past when he's had friends invite him to do things he often would turn them down because he doesn't want to be away from us. From his children in particular, and already feels very guilty for being away as much as he has to for work. This is HIS choice, his own preference. There's no coercion on my part. He just prefers family over friends.
Now, if I did have a dh that had a hobby that he was passionate about I would definitely want to do something to support him with that. I would want to find some sort of a compromise because I do believe its important to support a partner with a passion for something. Either having the kids and I participate somehow with whatever he's doing or suggest a limited schedule that doesn't happen EVERY weekend. Enough so he gets his fix, and so that we still get our Daddy fix. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. Something where everyone can be happy.
But for me personally, having him gone an entire weekend day on a regular basis wouldn't cut it with me and I'd feel my resentment seriously growing from it. I'm already home all day every day with the kids alone...Mommy needs a break too! Even if its just to have Daddy play Lego with the kiddos while Mommy takes a shower.
Like Amanda said - was this something he did before you got married? Is it a reasonable request? Does he help out around the house the rest of the week? Do you work? Lots of variables, but it's hard to say without more information. I do see a lot of husbands these days who don't do anything around the house. But I also see a lot of wives that are this way too. You have to do what works for YOUR situation. My wife travels a lot for work, and doesn't do much around the house when she IS here. But she also earns about 30% more then me, and provides benefits for us all (medical, dental, etc.). If this is something that is never going to change, then find a way to make this time he's away about you whenever you can. When my wife is gone, I order Thai food (she hates it) watch those movies she hates (foreign, scifi, indie, etc.) and get quality time with the kids.
my husband's only hobby is golf and once i saw that was a realistic challenge, i told him he had to think about his choices - i said it that way instead of saying "NO" because i don't want to become the bitchy dictator. this gave him the chance to be a mature husband and dad and step up. we reached a great compromise - if and when he plays on a weekend, he tees off by 6A and is home by 10. he also agreed to no nap :) on that day. ya know, we teach people how to treat us. if you "allow" your husband to "hobby" and you are feeling resentment, you owe it to yourself and your little ones to address your feelings about it because as much as you love being at home, it is so important to not neglect the adult relationship. kids grow up and husbands and wives can grow apart if there isn't some long lasting emotional connection. :)
I am not a stay at home unfortunatly but I do have 5 kids and I home school them. My husband has a big hobby that takes up some nights along with all weekend long. I miss the times we would spend together going places or hanging out at the house. He no longer is home and loves his hobby. ( He sometimes makes good money but at what cost?) I am getting lonely and miss our weekend trips together. I know you have to give each other space and allow each other to have a passion. So even though at times I feel lonely I see that he is happy and is enjoying himself. That in it self makes me happy too.
You need to sit your husband down and find something that makes you happy and him... I am so sick of women that think there husband should be entitled for some free time and we also need our time/family time. My husband loves to play soccer every saturday morning and we agreed that it's good for him but he needs to be home around 12/1pm. Than we have some family activities or i leave to do something for myself and we do something as a family at night. Sometimes I feel so restricted that my husband kicks me out of the house. You need to also take care of yourself because seriously you are the glue of the fam. If you get sick or depressed the kids don't get taken care of, the house get's a mess, dinner never get's done... Need I go on?
I know this is coming a little late. Here goes; I do have a husband that especially during hunting seasons; he is gone from sun up to sun down. I have two daughters; 8 & 10. This is on both Saturday & Sunday, and during the week if he does not go into work. It is a source of enjoyment for him to do this because he does it well. It adds to his confidence in himself. This is something important to him as a man. So, during hunting season we do not see him as often, which is okay. Because I use the time to go visiting with my girls or do stuff around the house, like my hobby of sewing. Plus, I choose to see it in the sense of, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Which it truly does for me.
They way I heard it put once was that men are like rubberbands, they may stretch away from you, but they always come back. This is so they can maintain their autonomy or separateness from you. You know we are quite unique and interesting as women that they could just lose themselves in us if they do are not careful.
Also,remember you cannot change a man, unless he is in diapers. LOL.
be sure that each day you take time for yourself... at least 45 minutes... if you have to hire a teen sitter ( 7 to 10 ) an hour it is worth it!! after you put the kids to bed ... chill out .. don't clean all night.. the house will just be a mess again.
Also, consider getting a cleaning person once a month or twice a month if you shop around it is doable... think about how much you are saving in day care by staying home...that night I usually take the kids for cheap take out... kitchen clean for a whole day!
also tell your husband that one night a week you need to go out ... leave by 5:30 ( can always get a sitter for one hour .. or friend ) til he gets home.. and you go just do whatever you like... even be home by just when kids are asleep... to have a glass of wine or watch a movie with hubby. Rule... if kids wake up they are still his for the night.. you hide!
Believe me it will feel better. Maybe you will discover a new hobby, start a small book club or go for walk... either way you will absolutely feel more refreshed for the next day.
one other suggestion... coop day care mom's night out with w friend... share once week you watch her, she watches yours...
Finally, I found when my kids were little..... get up early on SAT or Sun and go out... before the day get crazy me time early morning dad can do breakfast and cartoons... no brainer
SHARE with your husband how you are feeling...
believe me it gets much better when your youngest goes to school a few days...
but I am sure your husband will help you if you ask in the right way...
MEn are just not as easily stressed as us about house kids etc
but they do usually care about wives!
Oh Boy... Can I ever relate with you, Girlie! I have 3 children grown now, married and gone. But, this was my remedy for this problem and it worked! My Hubby knew, that I knew, he would be gone doing his thing, on that day. I made plans of my own to go out to a movie, the mall or just walking and planned to enjoy myself, at the same time. I made an agreement with a trusted friend, who also had small children. I would baby-sit all her children in my home, happily and safely! In an equal exchange of hours, for the time she spent, with my children in her home. Hours kept written out, to keep our friendship intact! With absolutely no unimportant complaints, from the friend or me. We felt good about leaving our babies at each others home, knowing they'd be loved, fed and cared for. Not only didn't we have to pay for a baby-sitter, but we both felt great about leaving our children. My Hubby quit spending so much time away, because I stopped nagging and compaining. It worked beautifully! Good Luck Dear
Well my husband is a hunter. So that means he is usually out of town almost every weekend come fall. Usually he leaves Friday straight from work and comes home Sunday evening...but occasionally he leaves on Thursdays. This goes on from about the end of August until mid January or so. Although he has to be home for Thanksgiving weekend, and Christmas time. It used to bother me more so in the beginning of the marriage, but I also knew this about him before getting married. Now, 7 years later, I am coming to look forward to the time he is gone!! LOL I use this time to go to my moms house for a visit, go shopping- (which I LOVE doing, so he cannot get mad at me for shopping since he is away doing his thing...I tend to take advantage of this fact!!) and I also take trips without him or the kids throughout the year, and he cannot say no, because he is gone alot throughout the year. So I must say, it really doesn't bother me much, and I do get payback!! (And I do have 2 small kids)
Let me get this straight, he leaves for his hobby any time your family will be around? Hmmmm....yeah, I don't think that would fly with me. I don't care for my husband's parents, but I'm not leaving the house when they come over - no matter how much my jaw hurts from clenching my teeth when my mother-in-law complains about our oldest daughter not wearing dresses, but I digress.
Do you have any hobbies? Do you get to leave whenever you want to?
Have you considered reading the book (if he doesn't like to read-- they have the book on CD)-- (that way you can listen while doing housework or driving in the car), "The Five Love Languages"-- by Gary Chapman. It talks about we each have our love language that we speak, and how they are normally different from each other. They are, 1. Gifts, 2. Quality time, 3.Acts of service, 4. Words of encouragement, 5. Physical touch. It describes and talks about how we each tend to give, and receive love. It talks about the way a person can complain and want time, and then they are more willing to give that time away for hobbies and activities. It talks about finding what language they speak, and learning it. It talks about us unconditionally loving them in their best way, and then opening doors for them to understand (hopefully) how we best give and receive love. I believe it would have the power to transform marriages.
I am also a SAHM, I have a 3 year old, and a 6 month year old. The problem I have is my husbands hideaway is the computer-- right in the middle of the living room. Any battle, action, friends, and activity can be going on-- and he is mentally and physically not present. It is almost worse than if he was gone-- at one point he loved to go fishing and he seemed to want to go every chance he got-- but I heard the same complaints-- (I want to speak them too)-- he never wants to spend time with me, or us. I feel ignored and left out. Why can't we find a hobby together? Aren't I important to him? So, instead of speaking out my complaints and feelings I am trying really hard to give praise for the things he does do and the time that he does spend with us. I try to give praise. I attempt to keep the house picked up when I can (not easy next two toddlers, when he doesn't seem to help much either)-- but I know that words are important for his self esteem, and acts of service. He loves it when I serve him coffee or tea, or bring him food. He loves it when I have the house clean. In turn, he is more responsive to my requests, and he is more receptive to spending time with the family.
Even though it says I am in the Everett area-- I live in Hungary. I have learned Hungarian (am now fairly fluent)-- but it took a lot of work to learn it. It takes equal or more amount of work to change how we love and respond and listen to each other. It takes a choice, and a lot of time. It takes surrendering rights, and communication is very important (and incredibly difficult). It also takes a lot of practice. For example giving praise-- if your language is quality time (one on one attention)-- then if he is gone all you tend to realize is how much he isn't there. You won't say, Wow, thanks for being home on time tonight. "Thanks for just being you"-- "Thanks for the time you spend at work so I can stay home with our kids"-- these may need to start with written and direct thoughts of praise. If Words of encouragement are his language-- then it will fill up his "love tank"-- make him feel valued and appreciated and can change the mood.
I recommend it completely. So far I have listened to it more than he has-- but I have come to an understanding that I can only control what I do, and I am responsible for the care and concern and heart of the home. I have to respect my husband, and invite him-- and then leave the result and response with him.
So, these things don't really fly with me... but there is help to help us work through it. We totally aren't alone.
Sorry I wrote so much, I just wanted to share with you what I am also working through-- in hopes that it will bring encouragement and change!
Wow, there is quite the selection of responses. I think the biggest thing is that you need to be doing is communicating with your husband on your frustrations. If his unwilling to make any compromise then I would suggest marriage counseling. My husband and I just finished counseling and it was amazing. (Granted I was the one with the mindset of counseling is for mentally sick people, not true.) We learned what we should work on individually as well as together. I can completely relate to the husband not always being there when you want him to be, for me, its my husband sitting at home on the computer all weekend. One thing that helps is we each take turns sleeping in on the weekend. I get Saturday and he takes Sunday. My girls are the same age as you and are early risers. We're usually awake before my husband during the week. Some suggestions: maybe see if he can limit his hobby to twice a month. Then the other two weeks have a family activity planned. One where you spend money and one where you don't. I am a full believer that each spouse needs their alone time or hang out with friends time, but when the life package includes a family, it can't be like when we were single. Also, for me Sunday is strictly a family day no matter what. I hope this advice helps. Communicating is your number one way to getting the issue resolved.
Hi S R
I have the same exact problem, and I haven't gotten a chance to read all your responses, so please excuse me if I'm repeating. No, that wouldn't fly with me. My husband is a golf fanatic. Every free moment on a nice day, he'll decide to go golfing without checking, but I always have to check with him if I want to do something. I love my husband to the death, but that's so unfair. I always tell him that these children are no more mine than his :-). What we try to do is establish "flex time" at home. I'm a SAH mom as well with 3 children, ages 4,6 & 8. I pick up my kids AND 2 others after school. So I'm in kiddie world as well. Yes, there are times I crave for adult conversation, and this is what I do. You can tweak this to your own satisfaction. I joined a local mommy group. When my 4 y/o was younger, I took her to the meetings. It was encouraged to do so. If it's in the budget, can you get the children in day care, even if it's a few hours a day, a few days a week?--Just so you can have some "me time". Okay, back to hubby. We discuss dates & times for his hobby. As much time he takes for his hobby, is as much time I'm allotted for "me time" or "us time". He is the one accompanying my son to basketball practice. He bathes the children when he comes home from work. He understands that when he comes home from work, my shift is over. Even though I'm home, I work just as hard as he does during the day. Just so he knows this first hand, I gave him one of my days. He was exhausted afterwards, and couldn't figure out how I get it done. We try to do something together as a family on Sundays, either watch a movie at home or at the movies; a family brunch; game day, etc. At times when he can be with the kids for an extended period of time, I take off to the spa, or get my hair done, or go out to dinner/lunch with my friends, or read a book--uninterrupted. In a nutshell, just try to establish an equal balance of time among 3 (me/you/us), so that no one feels like they're carrying a bulk of the responsibilities. Everybody needs their away time. This should eliminate or water down any feelings of resentment, guilt or burden, and create more of a feeling of well-being throughout. Now, I'm going to try to get some input from your other responses. Good luck, & I hope you get the balance you need for less stress in your life.
Without knowing more specifics, I would say it's okay if it's occasionally (like once every few months). However, if it's every Sat., or even every other Sat., that's pretty excessive. If my husband, let's say, golfed every Sat., all day, I would not be happy at all!! Have an honest (calm) discussion about it & tell him how you feel. Maybe you can work out a compromise. Just don't tell him he cannot do it anymore...noone likes to be told what he can & can't do & that would just create resentment. Maybe say your girls miss him when he's gone all day, and they would like more Daddy time.
Helen D said it best I think. By now you know you're not alone. When my kids were your kids ages my husband was traveling-he left home Monday morning and came back Friday so I understand the single mom feeling. After he came home for good he got involved with an activity that took Saturdays every weekend too. At first I resented it, but then I started getting the grandparents to babysit for part of the Saturdays he was gone as well. I was with my kids all week so I didn't feel guilty about leaving them, leaving the house (important part!) and either going to movies, going whereever, mainly just bein "unaccountable" for my time. I had a cell for emergencies and really didn't tell anyone what I did for that time. I felt like it was my very own private time, as long as I wasn't abusing the credit cards. Sometimes all I did was take a book to the park (again different one that the kids go to) and read. Once I went to the beach, somewhre I love and he hates! I didn't do it every Saturday. The other Sats I tried to plan playdates or spend part of the time with my parents and my kids at the same time. The main thing is that you both need time away mentally, you both deserve time to yourselves and it has to be ok with both of you. Now my kids are older and we spend most weekends structured around their activities, but the girls look forward to him doing his thing so we can have girl time at home.
I totally feel with you. My husband's hobbies are surfing, spear gun diving, video games, and football. His hobbies take him away from us all the time, any day of the week! With the children all so small it is physically exhausting! When he finally gets home or is ready to pay attention to them, it is nap time or bed time when they should be sleeping. Guess who does all the rest of the work while he plays, yup, me!
The good thing about the hobbies that deal with the ocean is that he often comes home happier and more helpful. If he goes diving that means he'll also cook us dinner!
I absolutely hate that he can be in the house but ignoring all the stress that I'm dealing with by myself while he's watching football or playing video games...
What I hate the most is that if I force him to stay home and spend time with us, he's grumpy and says he wasted his day. What is better? Him gone or grumpy with us? I honestly rather him gone and come home happy even if it drives me nuts how he throws our kids off schedule...
So,I always have to remind myself is that I too need to take breaks even if I have to find a sitter for the kids when my hubby is playing at the same time...I do Creative Memories as a business. In it is play for me and "work." This way he is actually forced to spend time with the kids because I have to "work." And it always fits around my mommy schedule. ;) Is this sneaky? I don't know but I need it! I hope that you find something that you can enjoy too.
Sometimes the only way I can get my husband to enjoy spending time with the kids and I is if we go and do it at the beach when he is doing his hobby. Though that often leaves me on the sand with the kids by myself for a couple of hours while he surfs...hmmm...I think I need advice too! ;) lol The greatest thing is that I still love him. hee hee
Just wanted to chime in. My husband takes my 2-yr old son out on Saturday mornings, and if I've had a hard week, he takes care of him all day or all weekend, and I just help here and there in those cases. It is wonderful.
He said the other day how he can't understand men who spend time away from their families when they could be with them. We love spending time together every night after our son goes to bed, and I try to make him happy in all the ways I can think of. I think he feels the same way, and that's partly why he tries hard to give me a break on weekends... He's also just plain awesome!
I wanted to post this in case your husband is acting like you're crazy for wanting him home. A great time to have hobbies is when the kids are older, and he can share them with them. And a great time to have totally self-indulgent hobbies is when the kids are older or out of the house. Not everything you want has to be had right now. There's a season for everything, and he might later regret the time he could have spent with you all.
My ex-husband's hobbies became the undoing of our marriage. When our children were 3 and 6 mos, respectively, I suffered a severe anxiety attack that led to lots of therapy/medication and, ultimately, lots of marriage counseling. At the time I was a stay-at-home mom, and my husband worked full-time. In his spare time, he played in a soccer league, brought work home, played in a band, and ran a record label. Once in marriage counseling, where we spent lots of time working on how we could spend more time together--and how I could have some burden relieved at night instead of him just running off back into his world of activities--he decided to quit his job, start his own business AND go back to grad school.
My advice? Start establishing some guidelines ASAP. While many factors went into our divorce--i.e., it was not limited to him nor was it 'his fault'--the fact is that he always had free reign to do what he wanted, and frankly he couldn't sacrifice any of "his" time without causing a scene. In fact, in the first week home after my c-section during the birth of our first son, he exploded on me at 10PM because he was leaving for a late, indoor soccer game. All I asked was if he had to go, and he screamed, "I HAVE A LIFE, TOO!"
So anyway, we're not married anymore. But I'm now in a healthy relationship with him as friends and co-parents, although he chooses to work 90 miles away and only be loosely involved in our children's lives. That said, I am involved with another man--my fiance--who is amazing, supportive, encourages me to have "my time" and who also has no problem asserting when he needs his time. However, there is a balance that I could have never achieved with my ex-husband who was simply unwilling to admit that parenting is a full-time job, and in the early years you have to sacrifice more of your time than you might want to make sure it works for both parents.
Absolutely not. A lot of folks have said that it's okay with them as long as the mom has some personal time too, and I agree with that, however, don't forget that "Cat's in the Cradle" song. A weekend is often the only time a working dad gets with kids and if he spends it on his hobby that time is gone forever, period. Life is unpredictable and short, and your kids will be teenagers all too soon! If, outside of his hobby on Saturday he can spend significant time with them, ok--but I find it hard to believe he manage it if he sacrifices a whole day. Take a scratch pad and count how many hours he spends with the children, and see if it makes sense. All families should do this. He can catch up on whatever in ten years, when your girls are older--or do what most of us do--take our personal time in smaller chunks.
I'm a stay at home mom of a 4 1/2 year old and have cared for a neighbor's 18 month old since he was 6 weeks old. I love being home but for years my husband has been an avid D&D gamer. I didn't really know much about it before we got married but thought, it's a hobby that doesn't involve NASCAR or watching sports at Hooters so how bad can it be? However, even after our daughter was born he continued to game several times a week and most weekends - this means he leaves Sat at noon and gets home after midnight - then if he doesn't have a game Sunday, he wants to sleep all day. Just for laughs, I counted on last year's calendar and he gamed 100 days out of 365. I used to get mad but then I decided I needed some "me time" and signed up for an adult pottery class every Friday night... I have to hear how hard it is taking care of our daughter and having to fix dinner and not having any time for himself - boo hoo! Welcome to the real world...
Sign up for a class, tell him you will alternate weekends and if that doesn't work... well... you may have to get tough.
Hi there. That would totally fly with me. For him, your husband to have something creative going on himself, outside of you, or the relationship, would be incredibly attractive and to see it as such would...well, increase some uh..."things" you see? Let him have his creative space and you have yours, besides, of course, the kids, which they would be shared endeavor, of course. So get involved in something. Feed your hungry fire, that creative thing for which you were created, okay? Then...watch the sparks fly. Flies for me!
My husband is an avid football fan and the past two years we have lived in his home town of Tallahassee. He has had the wonderful opportunity to go see his favorite team with his father, something that used to be a rarity because we lived in WA. SO every Saturday of the Fall he was unavailable for 4 - 4.5 hours. I even had to arrange times for my son and I to leave the house if the game was on tv because we the better tv. I was happy to do this so they could do their male bonding moments. However it was made clear that in the Spring their may be several Saturdays when I would probably want to go and do something while he would babysit. (by the way is it babysitting if you are the parent? Perhaps it is just part of your responsibility) So far I have taken knitting lessons, gone shopping and simply went to have coffee with my friends. But I prefer ways to have us all spend time together.
I really can't complain bc my guy is fabulous and loves to spend time with us. But football season can be hard on me if I don't keep it in perspective. I think we all want to understand and give each other the time to themselves that we all need. My advice to all is if it doesn't feel like you have that return of understanding and generosity from your partner then you have a problem. It should be a two way street. It doesn't always feel like it over here but when it doesn't it is time to talk and get on the same page. Even if I have to scream and shout a little!!!!
I have a home-based business and wish my husband would have a hobby! He's been home for a while spending quality time with the fam before he goes to Iraq. But gosh I wish he would find a hobby, all he does is sit around and play video games. I will miss him though.
My husband does not disappear whenever the family will be around, but he certainly does other things that cause me grief.
Nobody is perfect, husbands included, so as with any other behavior that doesn't sit well with you - I would advise you to try to work it out with your husband.
Why, for example, does he feel this need to 'be away' from the family? Does he need some space that he otherwise doesn't get (or doesn't think he gets)?
I would think that you would need the occassional 'break' from the house (not him), but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt until you understand what's going on. Hopefully you can impress upon him the importance of quality family time.
I first read your post and thought it said EVERY Saturday and my answer was "No way." But if it's a once in awhile thing, no problem. I wish mine would more often - A) because he deserves it and B) I'd get alone time with my boys.
Both DH and I played softball and when we met, he was playing in tournaments that were all weekend...some that required a hotel stay. I loved going with and watching him play. Then, as we progressed, he stopped and just played during the week - and so did I. There was a time when one of us was on the field 6 days a week. Now, with kids it's different, but we agreed to each getting one night a week to play. I look forward to my night with the girls AND my night with the kids.
EDITED TO ADD: So, does he leave whenever YOUR family is around (inlaws?)? If so, there could be some underlying reasons to this that you should address. I tend to have to go to work when my in-laws want to come visit. But, there are many reasons why! LOL. I guess I'm confused on what the exact details are. That's all.
My husband has two hobbies like that. One is fishing which can take him away all day. Thank goodness, the other is his wood shop which is just in our garage, so he is still home if I really need him. At first, the fishing especially didn't fly too well with me, but he also is such a supportive husband and works a job he doesn't love to support me in staying home with the kids and while I do trainings and study, so that I can work very part time doing things I LOVE. SO, he really deserves a creative, meditative outlet as well. One way we have compromised is that he supports me going out to a mom's night out or to a yoga class, so that I can have some away time too that is just for fun.
My husband has a minature gaming hobby. This hobby can be very time consuming with painting and tournament playing. The tournaments run from daily events to weekend events. If there weren't a wife and children in the picture, I'm sure he would play at every opportunity he could. However, he chooses his playing time after family time. No more than one full Saturday a month away from home and only after checking the calendar and discussing it with me. We often have gaming at our house in the evenings or some wknd days, but he is home assisting with family life in between turns if needed.
Bottom Line: Family First. Fun Second. More importantly, children grow up way too fast to miss out on family time.
My husband has the "softball" hobby and as you could imagine it's a year round thing in this area. We've compromised on the situation and he's allowed 1 tournament per month (if we can afford it) and plays on a league once or twice a week. He'd play each night of the week if I didn't object to it. Our daughter is 5 now and she enjoys going to his games with him and weather permitting, it's okay with me. It gives me a break for a few hours.
No that would not fly with me. My husband is gone all week and on weekends he never wants anything to do with the children. He just sits in front of the tv and ignores everyone. While I understand that he works hard all week, so do I and I never leave work 24/7 because looking after the house and children is ALSO work above regular working hours. I resent having to do it all by myself and I agree that us moms need a break too. So when do we get ours?
a real hobby that he enjoys on his only day off? that would fly, wpecially if you mean in-laws are coming over. but not every single time. if it is your immediate family (you and the kids) that are home then i would say there needs to be a balance betweem hobby and family, family first. plus, you need a break!
back to the in-laws, i don't believe in forcing the issue! live and let live and don't worry what people say! i never make my husband attend family gatherings if he doesn's want to! we are both happier that way! he extends the same option to me too.
No, that wouldn't fly with me. This is the way I look at it. You both have jobs during the week, right? At 5:00 or so the jobs end and the rest of the time should be split equally in terms of dealing with the kids and doing chores. It doesn't sound to me like you are getting a fair shake. When is your free time?
Also a late repsonse, but be very aware of the differences between a "hobby" and an "addiction". I first fully supported my husband's interest in chess. Well, slowly it was all he breathed. After many years, it contributed to the breakdown of our relationship which ended in near divorce. I had to take drastic measures to save the marriage. My husband's hobby turned into an obbsession. It's like a alcohol to an alcoholic. Drug's to a user. Can very easily get out of control with someone who has an addictive personality. I had to explain that our purpose is to raise the 3 children we brought into this world, and find joy in their interests and worry about ourselves and our seperate interests later. Most of our free time, should be together, leaving a small door open for some personal time as well.
The information Sarah B. gave on 2/28 is priceless. The information from Gary Chapman is taught by MANY marriage counselors. It is also taught at a Marriage Matters class my husband and I go to at a church and the class is taught by marriage counselors. The situation you describe with your husband seems like it would benefit from some of the techniques taught by Gary Chapman. I would definitely just check into the book or the CD and see what you think. People pay money to counselors to be taught this information and you can get a lot out of just reading his book. This information will provide you with skills beyond just "putting a bandaid" over the current situation with your husband's hobbies right now, but it will also help you with ALL other situations with things that may come up in your marriage in the future. Hope this helps.
I have a golfing addict in my house and I agree with Mary. It's hard to complain when I get to be home with the kids and have time to do things (although they have to be with me since I can't afford to have help) I also feel like it's never a good idea to limit your partner's outside interest. It's important for him to have his own identity and to be able to enjoy his spare time. I know it seems unfair since this leaves us, the mother with all the responsiblity and very little alone time. But I would suggest getting together with girlfriends at night when the he comes home (a movie, wine, dinner, play) and also find another mother in your area who is also alone on a Sat or Sun. THis way you can vent to each other if you feel like it because it's always fun to share your annoyance with someone, but in the end when the kids are older and can do more, i'm sure you'll rearrange things some. Hope this helps.
My husband's hobby is travel. He is going to Brazil for 2 weeks this summer with his friend, and I have to stay at home to take care of our son. I love my son, but is it really fair for him to take a trip to a foreign country just for fun?
My husband is a teacher and a coach from Jan-May. When it is summer time he goes fishing a lot and I feel it is fair b/c he works so hard all yr round. He also helps out a lot with housework - and does most of the main cooking in the summer months. I also like to have my alone time - so it does not bother me at all when he goes on a day or weekend trip. He is also great about girls nights out I have a few times a month and I fly out to see my BFF 2x a yr in South Carolina. As long as there is trust and comprimise why not. Just b/c you are married you should still have your friends and hobbies in your life. I think my husband would drive me nuts if he didn't get out once in awhile. Also we enjoy eachother on date nights alone or with neighbor couples. Hope this helps
Well mine does, he is a big golf man .lol.... But we do share the getting out part alot ..I just went to london for the weekend and had so much fun . by the time sunday was around i was missing the kids and hubby hahahha. I am a stay home mom and love it , BUT you do have to take breaks ,Its important!
Is your hubby gone every weekend? If so then you need to sit and talk to him and ask him if he could spend more time with you and the kiddos..do things as a family . by the way where are you stationed?
My husband golfs alot in the spring and summer. I also am a stay at home mom, and the way I look at it is... he works really hard so that I am able to stay at home with my kids. I have play dates with friends and trips to the salon and shopping and Jazzercise that I do. I am able to do all those things because of how hard he works. So, I really should keep my mouth shut if he wants to play golf. BUT...... it does bother me, I just can't say anything or I will seem selfish.
I think I would be ok with it if he allowed me to get time to myself, too. I don't have a problem with him having outside interests, but I would be upset if I was with the kids constantly (I'm a SAHM) with no help from him M - Sa. My husband has to travel for work sometimes, so there are weeks that I am pretty much a stay at home single mom with no break and no help. After one of those weeks, I would not want him to take a whole Saturday for himself. But there are Saturdays that he goes to help his family with something or goes out with friends for the whole day. That's ok with me. I guess it's all about balancing time and making sure we all get family time and personal time.
No, my husband use to play softball in the spring and summer 2 times a week, and basketball in the winter 2 times a week. Before we had kids it was no big deal, but once we had kids it was just too much. I explained how I felt like a single mom at times, and that every once in awhile it was ok, but family should come first. I dont know if it made sense to him but he only plays when the need a sub. I also tryed ( in the beginning) to do something fun with all of us on those days so we weren't just sitting at home. Hope it helps.
My husband is a volenteer firefighter, who is also the Cheif. I guess it could also be condidered a hobby. He's not around nearly as much as I'd like. He works 10 hours a day, the has to take care of the F.D. stuff, and on top of that, he plows snow for our church, and he is basically taking care of his mom's house, and property as well. Soooo, I guess it does fly with me. I don't like that he's gone so much, and I feel like a single parent most of the time, but I guess it depends on what your husbands' hobbies are, and what his priorities are.
Every Saturday? NO WAY! My husband gets all the "guy time" he wants, but he chooses to spend most of his weekends with his family. Once every few weeks he spends a full day with his friends, and I think that makes him a happier husband and daddy. Hey, I need my "me" time too and he lets me have it.
Hello sr: i was sad to hear about your husband being so self-absorbed in his own life and forgetting about his beautiful family at home. I was once married to a 'man' who placed all of the his important issues first and formost before what my possible needs were or that of his children. He too went out on saturday with his buddies, but also on friday nights and oh, i almost forgot, sunday mornings to play golf every week. If you love your husband, stand up to him and explain how you feel and that you would like to be more involved in his life with the things he enjoys as well as your likes to be share with him. Insist on doing family things together on a weekend - isn't that what weekends are for - family???
If he becomes obstinate, then get a sitter a few times a month for your children and you go out with your friends for coffee, a movie, a pedicure or manicure. Maybe then he will get the hint. But i do encourage you to talk, talk, talk - marriage is based on communication as you well know and he doesn't have it - yet. You young women are so much more empowered today then my generation - give it your best shot!! God bless.
dear sr. have you thought about joining a book club? I have one once a month with seven other woman and it is the highlight of my month. we just meet at a coffee house with good seating. so many opinions about the same book. M
Would not fly with me at all. I would be all over him to find a hobby that includes the whole family. Family time is very important. Perhaps one saturday a month would be ok but not everytime the family is around.
Of course it wouldn't fly with me. Having a family is a shared responsibility. If your husband can't include all of you in his hobby activities, (or if you can't or don't want to participate) then the two of you should be dividing the "free time" so that you are afforded an equal opportunity to pursue your interests while he spends time with his children. There should also be some "family time" set aside for all of you to do things together.
Im a stay at home mom. I do work 3days a month or so. but the most part im home with our girls. I love it and I know I am so blessed to get to do that. My husband and I own a business and he's gone most of the day. so by the time he gets home I just want to be with him and hang out with the girls and have dinner and so on.
MY HUSBAND IS A HUNTER AND HAS ALOT OF HUNTING BUDDIES
They usually stop by in the after noon, if they see him out in the garage working on something. This drives me crazy,because these friends just dont know when to leave. when hunting season arrives forget about having any family time. At times I feel invisable to my husband. He leaves for 10 days at a time and is gone most weekends during the season. He's got our older daughter into hunting which is fine.
I really need to makes some friends myself so I can do things outside the home. I guess Im thankful that my husband donsnt go to bars and drink and so on. So I dont mind the hunting.
alittle about me: Im 43, married, we have 2 girls 3 and 13
my husband is 36, so he is alot younger then I am. I just joined 24 hour fitness which I love. We are christians and go to Calvary church on I 17 and Thunderbird. We love it
This is a sensitive subject for me, because while I want to support my husband in his hobby, it does seem to be a bit much. Then there's the nature of his hobby--it is volunteer work that I really believe in. He is a big time Scouter, and I believe that it changes boys' lives and helps them become good men.
But it also means overnighters and Scout camp and Saturday hikes and Thursday night meetings and Scout Committee meetings and Wednesday night activities and...you get the picture. And that doesn't include the voluntary training retreats--he's going to another state next week, Thursday through Saturday.
The toughest sacrifice was when I had a 2 year old and a 5 week old, who was born by c-section, and DH took his Scouts to hike the Grand Canyon. He was gone for a week. We survived, but it was hard. And the tortoise died from neglect (well, it was on it's way long before that).
Anyway, this is a tough one. I've just convinced my husband that I support him, but that he's got to cut down on the hours. And the BIGGEST problem is that he's never supported MY hobbies. He complains and gripes and that's the part that doesn't fly with me. He's had a wake up call recently that got him to be more supportive of my hobbies, so hopefully things will be a bit more balanced from now on!
I think that would be a dealbreaker for me, because I wanted to parent as a partner. But I know a few marriages like that (a couple of examples where the mom works fulltime, too).
You didn't ask for advice, but my $.02 anyway . . . I think if you've established a pattern in your marriage it can be really hard to renegotiate the terms, especially if the other person is perfectly happy with things as they are. I don't think your husband is a bad guy, or that you are some sort of victim, but I do think it can be hard to change habits, for both people. You might consider some sessions with a marital counselor who can help you to discuss these things without being accusing or angry.
Hi, I have just joined the group and I read this. I am not sure if you have found a solution. But I have an idea for you to get a break during the week. Are you a part of a M.O.P.S. group? They usually meet 2 days a week 9-11am (mine meets 6:30-9pm) and have child care. So while your eating (w/ out little fingers all in your food) and actually going to the bathroom by your self W/out wiping 2 or more other butts your; kids are being watched by sitters called Mopetts. They usually have dues anywhere from $3 to $7 for your family (not per kid.) And it's a small price to pay for adult conversation, eat, a guest speaker at times, and a whole lot more. If it is alright with the parents of the kids you watch you should look into it. And you'll be surprised at the friendships you make and what how those 2 days can really help you rejuvinate. www.M.O.P.S.org
My husband used to go four-wheeling alot, sometimes for a whole weekend. he doesn do that much anymore. He has always raced at the quartermile tracks around our surroundng states so that ceratinly takes all day. He sometimes invites us along, sometimes we are too busy. He also goes fishing in the fall after work on occasion. I d not begrudge him any of this. I want him to be happy. After 8 years of marriage I have learned that if he is happy he will go out of his way to make me happy, and he does! It is alot less important to me to control him than to be in love. I might have a problem with it if it interfered with mowing the grass, cleaning the gutters, that sort of thing. I would definately tell him he couldnt go if he was slacking. But I have found that easily happens because he wants to go have fun.
My husband is to busy between work and school to have a hobby. Any time he does have, he is either playing with our son, or catching up on handy man work around the house. I think we all still need to have a little time to ourselves, but we have to make sure we are paying attention to the priorities in our lives, and also watching our budgets. Sometimes hobbies can be very expensive and in the current economy, you have be careful in what you spend your money on.
Hi, I too have 2 small children at home with a husband who likes to fish, hunt and build things. Yes, all things the family really isn't included in. DOn't get me wrong, he'd gladly take the family to a little fishing hole but that isn't his idea of "fishing". So, I too have cultivated some hobbies very different from his. What I have learned: ASK for what you want...do not wait for the frustration to build up and do not wait for your husband to ask you if you'd like to sleep in this morning or if you might need some "self" time. I too take care of one other child 2x/week and those days are harder for me than my regular work days. So, I simply tell my husband that i need a time out for a few hours and just take off. I don't NEED a hobby as the excuse but if you have one...then even better. More on this if you'd like in private. good luck.
Anytime my family is around because they live out of town, my husband disappears, he always has "things" to get done. Of course my husband conviently has something important to do when I could really use him. No, it doesn't fly with me but I am tired of fighting wihhim.
What are his hobbies that takes him away on Saturday? I suggest you and the kids join in on those Saturday Hobbies and create some new ones with him as a family... Get a Saturday babysitter once a month and you and him "create" your own personal Hobbie, if you know what I mean! Just maybe he doesn't want to stay around the house on a Saturday. You Stay at home with the children, I would think you'd want to get out too...Please send me an Email and we can chat further, if you'd like...
I wish you peace on this situation... ____@____.com C.